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Victoria Beckham's camouflage t-shirt and one-nil to Donald Trump

This reporter doesn't wish to panic anyone, but she's lost Victoria Beckham.

There we were playing an innocent game of hide and seek and this reporter did say to her, Vicky, this is surely all going to end in tears, with you in your fancy new camouflage t-shirt. But would she listen?

Off she scampered over the fields like a carefree billy goat, leaving this reporter to count to ten. The question is what is this reporter going to say to David? He'll be back any minute. He's just been down at Harper's school balancing bean bags on his head in the father's race.

This reporter better elaborate. You see, the 'big' news is Victoria Beckham has ditched her signature white t-shirt for a camouflage one for her new season's collection and whilst it might be stylish in a 90's, we're all in All Saints now, kind of way, it is potentially the worst item of clothing to wear when playing hide and seek.

Let's journey on to the news and maybe Victoria wil…
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The magically transforming tie-dye waistcoat and football's not coming home

Tie-dye - the preserve of 90s glow-stick waving ravers - has been spotted on the catwalks of Michael Kors and Dior. Thus officially, it is a 'trend'.

Here's this reporter's crafty guide to making your own tie-dye vest - complete with magical transformative powers. Let's get stuck in...

Purloin (by legal means) a plain white vest. Fill up a bucket with dye (your choice of colour - this reporter's gone for shocking pink). Take marbles and tie them, with string, into little marble pouches all over your vest. These will become the tie-dye 'splats' (official term).

With aid of a stick or other long and wieldy utensil, lower your vest into the bucket of dye. Leave to soak for as long as it takes this reporter to regale you with today's news headlines.

Here they are. And pray silence for the England team who were beaten by Croatia in the semi-finals of the World Cup, 2-1 in extra time. Meaning our dreams of 'football coming home' are well and truly…

Transparent trousers, the Trump baby balloon and a six-year-old burger

Donald Trump's visit to the UK is imminent but this reporter, as ever, has a cunning plan - involving transparent trousers, a six-year-old McDonald's burger and the giant Trump baby balloon.

She will explain.

You see, transparent trousers are being hailed a, somewhat sweaty, summer fashion trend. Made up of two legs of what pretends to be nothing short of plastic sheeting, the trousers are, in this reporter's opinion, more an excuse to show off your pants in a vaguely acceptable way than any true style statement.

However, this reporter is far more interested in their invisibility capabilities. In her mind, invisible trousers mean invisible legs. She plans to don these and paint her top half to resemble a fluffy white cloud and take flight by holding onto the string of the Trump baby balloon.

This six metre article, complete with giant white nappy and bright orange perma-tan, was originally banned from flying over London in protest of Trump's visit, but following a peti…

The satin maxi dress, Boris' wine fridge and God save the Queen

Well

Quite

Extraordinary

To mark the occasion, this reporter has got on her satin maxi dress from & Other Stories, as recommended by Vogue, who declare satin is a viable fabric for day wear now. This reporter has dressed it down with her scuffed lace-up brogues, as also insisted on by the fashion mag, and accessorised with a gold chain. Which just so happens to be the chain from an old bath plug - with said bath plug still attached. Fetching, this reporter is sure you'll agree.

So on with the 'deluge' of news and Boris Johnson has fluttered down from his perch as Foreign Minister with hopes of Phoenix-like rebirth as Prime Minister. "Fat chance Boris".

This reporter's favourite moment yesterday was when Boris went awol, again, for a bit. Several hours late for a meeting at camp Westminster, BBC reporters decided to recce over to Boris' house where they delivered "on the ground" reports of a removal-style van, either shipping Boris' stuff…

Big Brexit House in the Country and Vetements glow in the dark trainers

Readers - the news is cracking on apace. What with Big Brexit House in the Country, four out in Thai Cave Rescue, England going through to the World Cup semi-final and breaking: David Davis exiting Brexit, we must dive in without further dismay, sorry, delay.

And it had been looking surprisingly (suspiciously) good for our Prime Minister Theresa May when all her Cabinet agreed to her soft, cherry-picked, have your cake and eat it, Brexit during an away day at her country pad, Chequers, on Friday.

Bar the slight technicality that this was exactly the sort of plan the EU had warned they would reject out of hand and the fact Mrs May had threatened her ministers with having to take public transport home should they fight against her "collective responsibility" whip, the most Mrs May had to deal with was Boris Johnson saying "well you can't polish a turd" and even that was ambiguous in its direction - whether a comment on the Brexit plan or Mrs May herself.

In manne…