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Cadbury Creme Egg-gate and the Fjallraven Kanken backpack

This reporter can barely put pen to paper - and yes that is how she prefers to scribe - when it comes to Brexit recently without her words becoming outdated before the ink has even dried. What with all the turns and about turns over the whole sorry palarver.

Take yesterday (Wednesday) for example when we were informed plans were afoot to have an extended transition period after leaving the EU, to run way beyond the previously stipulated two years, and enable businesses and general Jo public to acclimatise to change for as long as was needed.

Excellent news this reporter thought, as, ever keen to find a loophole, she hatched out a mighty fine plan which would see us leave the European Union, in essence, in March 2019 and gambol happily into this transition period - where vitally we would still be part of the customs union and single market - and stay quite contentedly in this limbo state, forever.

"No", we would declare when questioned on whether we were yet settled enough to fully pull up the drawbridge on Europe, "not quite", until somewhere further down the track, Brussels would be so fed up with constant refusals that it would stop bothering to even ask.

But then, as of Wednesday afternoon, we were told the extended transition period had been a "red herring", as though we had been playing some kind of hallucinogenic game of Cluedo. The leaked paper we had heard about had not been leaked - because it did not exist in the first place.

And this discombobulation is dripping into absolutely everything - right down to what could be, wrongly, perceived as the trivial matter of how we carry our bags. In this Brexit-based purgatory, where we don't know if we're in or out, or whether we'll ever wear Breton stripes again, the fashion world has chosen to further amp up our confusion by claiming we can no longer hold our bags by the handle. Instead we must fold them in half - not overly practical if you're carrying a laptop or a Complete Works of Shakespeare - and carry it wedged under our armpit.

Whilst you would have had to be living in a cave yesterday with no access to Wi-fi to miss the great Cadbury Creme Egg-gate. There was outrage across the internet at the news that Cadbury had announced we had all been pronouncing the creme in Creme Egg wrong all this time.

It was not cream as we had all thought but crem - either pointing to the French for cream - which will obviously be outlawed from English speak any time soon, or crem as in short for crematorium.  Either way not exactly ideal and again a complete busting apart of all we had thought rock steady.

To only make matters worse, Cadbury, in sinister echoes to the Brexit transition period debacle, then announced in the afternoon of yesterday, that creme had always been pronounced cream and they did not know where the leak had come from. From the centre of the creme egg presumably.

The only solution this reporter can see to this period of intense uncertainty is to purchase the Fjallraven Kanken backpack (and no this reporter doesn't know how you pronounce that, and neither does she care), fill it to the brim with Cadbury Creme Eggs (pronounced cream), defiantly load it onto our backs using both sturdy straps, and head straight for the Eurostar.

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