OK, strap yourselves in because we're going on a journey to the murky underbelly of the crime world – to a land where money launderers, human traffickers and horses heads reign. (As you can tell, I am an expert.) So put on your dark glasses, brush your smart suits free of lint because we're going in. Cue Mission Impossible music.
Here we are – and it all amounts to the government watching a bit too much of the BBC's current dark and twisted crime drama, McMafia on BBC One. The series follows the story of the son of a Russian oligarch, Alex Godman, who has lived and been educated in England most of his life in a bid to distance himself from the dirty dealings and criminal past of his father, who has since been expelled from Russia on pain of death from rival gangs should he return.
All is going well for Alex – he has his own financial business, a pretty yet rather boring girlfriend, a closet full of white shirts, but it all goes pear-shaped when his Uncle Bob is killed before his very eyes with a caviar knife. Before we know it, Alex finds himself plunged into the very criminal world that his father has been trying to shield him from.
And as a result of this TV programme – which has been billed as getting close to, but not quite to the heart of, the global web of criminal activity and life of luxury it aims to depicts, some bright spark in the government has decided to take on the Russian oligarchs in the UK.
Obviously outraged at how they are using London as a base for their international crime networks, government minions will be sent out to question said Russian oligarchs, who are suspected of criminal practises, to get them to justify how they are funding their lavish lifestyles.
In a speech he has evidently practised in front of the mirror, security minister Ben Wallace, said that foreign criminals and corrupt members of the global elite will feel the “full force of government.”
He continued: “When we get to you, we will come for you, for your assets and we will make the environment that you live in difficult.”
Rather you than me pal. Something about swimming with the fishes springs to mind. Nevertheless, the government have devised Unexplained Wealth Orders (UWOs) which will be used as of this week to seize the UK assets of wealthy people suspected of having profited from the proceeds of crime.
My advise for these Russian oligarchs, because as I said, I am an expert – would be to hide in plain sight. And thus I come neatly to my recommended fashion purchase of the week – the yeti faux fur coat from none other than the fantastically named House of Fluff. (www.houseoffluff.com – should you fancy a peruse).
Now this purchase is absolutely ideal because whilst it may play up to the stereotype of Russians swathed in furs, that's the whole point - it is so obvious it is guaranteed to deceive those government security bods. And on a bonus level, the House of Fluff is an ethical faux fur fashion brand which only deals in 'earth-friendly' materials that are locally produced in factories that pay a fair wage.
So that's definitely got to go some way to assuaging the conscience of a Russian oligarch who has the dead body of a rival gang member floating in their swimming pool.