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“You can't make an omelette using only nostalgia” – wise words for Brexiteers and vegans alike

Brexit is a lot like the current trend for veganism – it looks an enticing idea at the outset – a way towards a 'fitter, happier, healthier you' until you run out of your stockpile of Marks and Spencer's vegan ready meals and are faced with whipping up an omelette of an evening. And then you remember - vegans can't eat eggs.

It has been a relatively entertaining week for Brexit as far as things go and I know that's pushing the truth somewhat, but we really must stick with it. To disengage with Brexit now would be, I'm sure, tantamount to waking up one morning to a Trump-style wall around the United Kingdom and to find eating Camembert has become a criminal offence.

We began the week reeling from the revelations, or not as it turned out, of those Brexit assessment papers put together by Whitehall civil servants, which said Brexit amounted to social and economic suicide whichever of the three main outcomes the government decided upon.

There was much talk amongst MPs that these papers must be revealed in all their glory. But then Jacob Rees-Mogg waded in, disgruntled, after a punch up at the local uni, and called the civil servants behind the Brexit papers treacherous and guilty of manipulating the facts.

Which begs the question, would there ever be any assessment papers stating that Brexit would end badly, which Rees-Mogg would acknowledge held any grain of truth? The answer to this would be a categorical no, on the basis that all assessments have now been officially written off as flawed by the government, which essentially means we can never look at the potential impact of anything again – unless we invest in a crystal ball.

We should perhaps remember that the hard Brexiteers' evidence that leaving the EU will be a success is all based on nostalgia. Looking back to those rosy war years when Britain stood alone in the trenches and fought off the Germans, leading to decades of buoying ourselves up with the stadium anthem “two world wars and one world cup” as Britain slowly shrunk in its world influence and the likes of Germany rose up as the new superpowers.

Three men still living the dream of Britain's glory years are the 'Three Brexiteers' - Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Rees-Mogg who are plotting, it was revealed on Monday, to oust Theresa May and take over the running of the government and lead it towards a show-stopper of a hard-throttled Brexit. Boris would be Prime Minister, naturally, Govey the Deputy and Rees-Mogg, Chancellor.

This news led Tory mutineer Anna Soubry to rise up from the benches and declare she would take drastic measures if Mrs May did not do something to clamp down on the Three Brexiteers. Indeed she threatened to leave if the Prime Minister, ever weak and stable, did not show all those cabinet members in favour of a hard Brexit, the door. Not much seemed to come from it but it was all good for dramatic effect.

And this was all in the run-up to crucial meetings during the latter part of the week which will see the Brexit Cabinet Committee sitting down and sketching out what the future relationship with the UK and the EU might look like. The talks will have a particular focus on Northern Ireland and immigration before moving onto the slightly pressing matter of trade.

However, don't get ahead of yourselves and think there will be any definite trade plans announced by the end of this week. Whitehall sources have already let slip that nothing concrete will be decided.

The Brexit Cabinet had better get their skates on however as British businesses are getting increasingly angsty, not only over the glacial speed at which the government has been moving, but about the continuing divisions in the Cabinet about the direction Brexit is even going to take.

Whilst the EU has set out in its official paper on the Brexit withdrawal process that it will suspend our access to the single market during the transition period if Britain does not 'play nice'. On the basis the EU has also told the UK it will be unable to make any new trade deals with other countries during the transition, then they really have got us between a rock and a hard place.

As I said before, you can't make a Brexit omelette using only nostalgia. Mrs May and her cronies are going to have to start cracking some eggs, before there are no eggs left to crack.



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