Skip to main content

“You can't make an omelette using only nostalgia” – wise words for Brexiteers and vegans alike

Brexit is a lot like the current trend for veganism – it looks an enticing idea at the outset – a way towards a 'fitter, happier, healthier you' until you run out of your stockpile of Marks and Spencer's vegan ready meals and are faced with whipping up an omelette of an evening. And then you remember - vegans can't eat eggs.

It has been a relatively entertaining week for Brexit as far as things go and I know that's pushing the truth somewhat, but we really must stick with it. To disengage with Brexit now would be, I'm sure, tantamount to waking up one morning to a Trump-style wall around the United Kingdom and to find eating Camembert has become a criminal offence.

We began the week reeling from the revelations, or not as it turned out, of those Brexit assessment papers put together by Whitehall civil servants, which said Brexit amounted to social and economic suicide whichever of the three main outcomes the government decided upon.

There was much talk amongst MPs that these papers must be revealed in all their glory. But then Jacob Rees-Mogg waded in, disgruntled, after a punch up at the local uni, and called the civil servants behind the Brexit papers treacherous and guilty of manipulating the facts.

Which begs the question, would there ever be any assessment papers stating that Brexit would end badly, which Rees-Mogg would acknowledge held any grain of truth? The answer to this would be a categorical no, on the basis that all assessments have now been officially written off as flawed by the government, which essentially means we can never look at the potential impact of anything again – unless we invest in a crystal ball.

We should perhaps remember that the hard Brexiteers' evidence that leaving the EU will be a success is all based on nostalgia. Looking back to those rosy war years when Britain stood alone in the trenches and fought off the Germans, leading to decades of buoying ourselves up with the stadium anthem “two world wars and one world cup” as Britain slowly shrunk in its world influence and the likes of Germany rose up as the new superpowers.

Three men still living the dream of Britain's glory years are the 'Three Brexiteers' - Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Rees-Mogg who are plotting, it was revealed on Monday, to oust Theresa May and take over the running of the government and lead it towards a show-stopper of a hard-throttled Brexit. Boris would be Prime Minister, naturally, Govey the Deputy and Rees-Mogg, Chancellor.

This news led Tory mutineer Anna Soubry to rise up from the benches and declare she would take drastic measures if Mrs May did not do something to clamp down on the Three Brexiteers. Indeed she threatened to leave if the Prime Minister, ever weak and stable, did not show all those cabinet members in favour of a hard Brexit, the door. Not much seemed to come from it but it was all good for dramatic effect.

And this was all in the run-up to crucial meetings during the latter part of the week which will see the Brexit Cabinet Committee sitting down and sketching out what the future relationship with the UK and the EU might look like. The talks will have a particular focus on Northern Ireland and immigration before moving onto the slightly pressing matter of trade.

However, don't get ahead of yourselves and think there will be any definite trade plans announced by the end of this week. Whitehall sources have already let slip that nothing concrete will be decided.

The Brexit Cabinet had better get their skates on however as British businesses are getting increasingly angsty, not only over the glacial speed at which the government has been moving, but about the continuing divisions in the Cabinet about the direction Brexit is even going to take.

Whilst the EU has set out in its official paper on the Brexit withdrawal process that it will suspend our access to the single market during the transition period if Britain does not 'play nice'. On the basis the EU has also told the UK it will be unable to make any new trade deals with other countries during the transition, then they really have got us between a rock and a hard place.

As I said before, you can't make a Brexit omelette using only nostalgia. Mrs May and her cronies are going to have to start cracking some eggs, before there are no eggs left to crack.



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Danny Dyer, the Fart Act and yolk yellow

Put your trotters up. It's time for the news.

And the story which jostles its way to the top of the conversation pool - like a particularly buoyant submarine - is Danny Dyer's Brexit rant.

Now this reporter does apologise to anyone of a more sensitive disposition as the following tete-a-tete does contain some 'cuss' words but it is these, delivered in an unfettered, spittle-infused, slightly "lager lager, mega mega white thing" manner, which has caused the nation to take the fake landlord of the Queen Vic to their battle-scarred hearts.

Chatting on "Good Evening Britain" - a spin off of "Good Morning Britain" hosted by Piers Morgan and Susanna Reid - actor Danny Dyer was nestled on the sofa between Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn and former Baywatch star and 90s pin-up Pamela Anderson - and we could just stop all this right there and ponder on that tableau for the foreseeable - but we simply do not have time.

Questioned about Brexit, Dyer said…

Skirts, sandwiches and languid dresses

Ask anyone what constitutes the most they'll pay for a sandwich and the answer is unequivocal - £3.99. This is despite reports of the world's most expensive sandwich - the Osaki wagu beef sarnie, served up at Don Wagu in New York City, setting you back £140.

Of course there will be the usual subversive who pipes up about the melt in the mouth quality of the beef and the fact it comes in its own wooden box. But on the whole, we have clarity on the matter. When you start talking about three figures for what constitutes a bit of fridge stuff parceled up between two slices of bread, we're in agreement - that is much too much.

If only we could have the same clear-thinking when it comes to skirts - in particular who should be sandwiched into them.

We like to think we're an enlightened nation since David Walliams brought out "The Boy in the Dress" but with tens upon tens of primary schools banning the skirt, in the name of progress, and Formula 1 racing driver Louis…

The boozy ice-cream van, Thai cave rescue and the crochet craze

A screech of brakes, a crunch of bumper meets bollard. The Shaggy mega mix - which is this boozy ice-cream van's jingle - whirls to a sickening halt.

Now, this reporter must interject here and state she does not condone drink driving - from either ice-cream van drivers or any other citizens - indeed it has been officially found to be dangerous and illegal.

However, at the news that alcohol-filled ice-lollies were becoming an increasingly popular 'thing', this reporter couldn't help but indulge herself in visions of the booze cruise ice-cream van. Around the villages and towns it would go, grown-ups argy barging their way to the front of the queue to claim their mojito popsicles.

The boozy ice-cream van may be a fixture of this reporter's imagination but ice-lollies made from alcohol are certainly not. Apparently the ice-lolly industry has been suffering something of a dip in sales over recent years and manufacturers hope appealing to the adult market with flavours …

Melvyn Bragg on Love Island, Gemma Collins' book and the bath puff fascinator

So reader - the question to chew over as you peruse this reporter's latest scrawl is, in 2018, is Britain still a country of cumbersome, yet endearing, oddballs, or have we simply declined into thoughtless stupidity? Let's see...

Melvyn Bragg appears to think the latter. The broadcaster and Labour peer, in an interview for the Radio Times, said Britain is becoming a stupid country (you see) except for 'certain highlights'. He blamed much of this decline on the country's university system, which he said, despite being the best in the world, was being slowly and carelessly destroyed.

Mr Bragg also referenced Britain's television output, saying he saw some hope in the work of actors Hugh Grant and Benedict Cumberbatch in 'A Very English Scandal' and 'Patrick Melrose' respectively, but he feared 'Love Island' was a dismal sign of the times - but curiously, did not rule out watching it.

He said: "The popularity of series like Love Island…

Shell suits, coleslaw and "Where's Boris?"

It comes to something when coleslaw is provoking heated discussion but that is indeed the case in what appears to be the greatest school dinner-related uprising of public contention since Jamie Oliver outlawed turkey twizzlers.

It all began when £24,000-a-year private girls' school St Paul's announced they were holding an austerity day which would see jacket potatoes served up for lunch. So far so 'tone deaf' responded critics of the move which was seen to be far removed from actually helping alleviate other children from economic difficulty.

But when it was revealed that the jacket potatoes were to be accompanied not only by baked beans but also a serving of coleslaw, the mood on Twitter became apoplectic. The mayonnaise-laced dish of shredded cabbage and carrot was deemed an absolute luxury for any school canteen on any given day and begged the question what the pupils of St Paul's were usually dining on? (Poached peacock).

Continuing on with an 'eateries'…