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Carpets, cakes and the J.Crew cape - an alternative analysis of the Brexit Mansion House speech

Capes are back. They have been propelling feather-light humans down catwalks for designers including Erdem, Alberta Ferretti, Dolce & Gabbana and Fendi. And they are coming in all manner of designs from sleek, silhouetted opera and leopard print to shearling. We've seen half-blazer, half-cape hybrids, long and sweeping capes, body-swamping leather ones and cape-toppers which can sit on top of regular coats.

It is at this point that this reporter would like to make the bold statement that life would look and feel infinitely better if everyone wore a cape. Slide this startling comment to one side of your head space - but don't lose it, you'll need it later - and let's move on...

What this reporter has taken from Prime Minister Theresa May's Mansion House speech is the carpet. Not literally. This reporter didn't roll it up and hurl it over one shoulder as though she was attempting to smuggle a Moroccan one through customs, knocking down several fellow tourists on the way.

But this reporter has to say, out of everything Mrs May delivered during her 45 minute speech on Friday about Brexit, it is the carpet that remains with her. Bright, metre square yellow flowers on repeat across the expanse of the floor. Possibly daffodils, though this reporter wasn't able to zoom in close enough to tell. Possibly some other yellow flower, or maybe a flower which had never been yellow before it was reproduced in synthetic fibre (or wool seeing as though this was Mansion House).

For argument's sake, let's settle on daffodils. Mrs May resplendent on a daffodil carpet, or better still, a carpet of daffodils. And there quite frankly, this reporter would like to leave it. However, if we really must discuss it, this reporter particularly liked one journalist's analogy of going to the Little Chef cafe when he was a boy and being affronted at how his parents ordered for him - choosing baked beans on toast.

He expressed his dismay and his parents relented. But after scrutinising every single item on the menu for an unfathomable amount of time, he ended up choosing baked beans on toast anyway. That my friends is Brexit right there - though this reporter expects the toast will come out burnt.

This was Mrs May's third speech outlining her 'vision' for Brexit and perhaps it should have been third time lucky - but certainly not for any human, actually living a life. The positive to be taken from this latest speech, apparently, is Mrs May's honesty. She said: "this is not going to be easy", there are going to be compromises with the European Union, "we can't have everything we want". Far from having our cake and eating it, there is no cake (no cake!), she concluded. This reporter knew she should have stuck to admiring the carpet.

Alternatively open up the compartment in your mind where you stored our chat about capes - take it out, give it a shake and let your cape unfurl. Fling it around your shoulders and give a little twirl, admiring your cape as it goes swish, swish. Then we're running, running, your cape extends out, like a clean sheet on a washing line. Then come on, we're going full hog, stretch out your arm, fist firmly clenched. Lift off...

See, this reporter told you a cape makes everything feel better. She's plumping for the J.Crew Beverly wool-blend cape but the options are endless. Meet you on cloud nine.

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