Skip to main content

Boris 4 Trump 4ever, the Posh and Becks split and Elie Saab's palm print kaftan

Pssst. Pssst. I'm over here. No not there, that's a hat stand. Over here. This reporter's dressed up as a pot plant. Yes. Here I am. A stroke of genius wouldn't you say? This is the palm print kaftan by Elie Saab - perfect attire for flying under the radar.

You see, I want to find out what is going on behind that door. Put one on and you can join me. You will. Ah yes, you look marvellous, very pot-planty. Are you ready?

Now, before we enter, just remember one key thing. Stealth.

Media outlets have been rife with the news that popular culture's original super couple, Victoria and David Beckham have split up. Posh and Becks - arguably the trailblazers of the "modern power couple" who made it evident back in the 90's that there was no finer way to achieve real super stardom than the amalgamation of two famous types together in a 'loving, committed' marriage (a brand of extended-Andy Warholism since taken up by the likes of Beyonce and J-Zay, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West) of course deny all rumours they are seeking divorce.

A spokesperson for the couple said there is no statement due or divorce. "This is just fake social media news. This is all very bizarre and an embarrassing waste of time."

It is unclear exactly where the rumours of the split began but there are distant rumblings that David Beckham has been playing away again, shall we say. But whether these are new allegations or it is a case of an old press release about the Rebecca Loos affair finding its way by accident back into a reporter's in-tray and causing a whole heap of confusion, we cannot be sure.

Meanwhile bookmakers Paddy Power have decided to suspend all bets on the separation between Posh and Becks and many a tabloid newspaper has been posting 'Best Of' couple shots of the Beckhams "in happier times" much in the manner of the leaving VT of a Big Brother house reject.

The stylish pair have been spotted at many a fashion show together over the weekend to try and quash the rumours but this reporter would argue Katie Price and Peter Andre put on very much a united front at a soft play area in Lewisham before they declared "arrivederci" and let's not forget their marriage vows had been sanctified with a recording of "A Whole New World".

Meanwhile Boris Johnson has found his own dirty laundering - including his "I love Trump forever" boxer shorts - aired in public over the weekend, after a tape recording of a speech he made at a Conservative dinner was leaked to all and sundry. But understand when we say "leaked" we actually mean recorded by aid of Boris' secret pen dictaphone and then parcelled up in a brown paper envelope and posted off to Buzzfeed's news desk by Boris' own fair hand.

In the intentionally controversial speech to campaign group Conservative Way Forward, Boris talks of his increasing admiration for American President Donald Trump, stating there is actually "method in his madness" and if Trump was in charge of Brexit he would "go in bloody hard".

This reporter is trying to recall who it was who said Boris Johnson was actually a British version of Donald Trump, just with better hair. Answers on a postcard please. Unless it was all a dream (or more accurately, a nightmare).

Boris wasn't done yet. He also decided to tackle the insurmountable problem of the hard border between the Republic and Northern Ireland. Disregarding the danger that any border down the island of Ireland would reverse the hard fought and still tentative reign of peace there, BoJo insisted all fears about the border were out of proportion and "pure millennium bug stuff".

"It's so small and there are so few firms that actually use that border regularly. It's just beyond belief that we're allowing the tail to wag the dog in this way. We're allowing the whole of our agenda to be dictated by this folly".

Critics have branded Johnson "utterly shameless" and have called yet again for his resignation. This reporter is pretty certain that in BoJo's mind, BoJo is the only one speaking any kind of sense.

A dog approaches and cocks its leg...
Code nine alert, code nine alert. What's code nine you ask? For goodness sake, didn't you get a copy of This Reporter's Emergency Handbook? It means we've been rumbled. Abort mission at speed. Abort mission at speed.

"Hey you two, pot plants, come back. I've got something for you", calls a red-faced man with haystack hair.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Jilly Cooper interview, a ground-breaking cure for cancer and the Rock n' Rose hair scarf

"Fame I'm gonna live forever..."

Good afternoon and welcome back to a special, roadshow edition of Fame, the celebrity spotlight televisual programme presented by none other than yours truly, This Reporter.

Here we are squirreled away in a delightful cattle shed somewhere deep in the British countryside waiting for this afternoon's guest to arrive. She is a journalist and prolific best-selling author. With novels including "Rider", "Jump" and "Mount" she is undeniably the queen of the "posh bonkbuster". Here to talk about modern men, starting out and Germaine Greer's latest contentious comments on rape, ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Jilly Cooper OBE.

Press play on the ghetto blaster Gary.

"Keep rollin', rollin', rollin. Though the streams are swollen. Keep them dogies rollin', rawhide..."

This Reporter: Jilly Cooper. Welcome. Pull up a hay bale.

Jilly Cooper: Why thank-you. (…

The Kim/Trump meeting, crime fighter Cumberbatch and the Nike Fanny Pack Slides

This reporter declares she takes her eye off the news for a mere week and the world has gone stark raving, round-the-twist bonkers (or certainly a few shades further up the bonkers scale it was already quite jollily ascending).

With reality TV stars attempting to run the show globally and the actual real-life Sherlock Holmes crime fighting on London's streets, we have as good as fallen down the rabbit hole and landed head first in Willy Wonka's loony juice. However, seeing as we're all here, let's dive all the way to the bottom and take a closer look.

Our first story quite frankly reaches the absolute pinnacle of current societal mood, which favours bolshy fame seekers of negligible talent over the quietly naturally gifted.

We have already seen how well that goes with current President of the United States Donald Trump. But undeterred we now have entering stage left, reality TV star Kim Kardashian who appears to be channelling actress Angelina Jolie in her attempt to  …

Tonsils, cacti and purchase of the week - the beach bag

"Oh I do like to be beside the seaside, oh I do like to be beside the sea..."

Do you remember the good old-fashioned cool box? The big chunky plastic container with the extractable white handle, which came with two blue ice blocks you had to put in the freezer overnight before any planned picnic or trip to the beach?

This reporter finds herself yearning for the return of one of these retro contraptions as she is bombarded with the news that a designated beach bag is considered de rigueur for any trip to the seaside now.

What's the panic, I hear you exclaim? Just find your old tote bag or canvas carrier and chuck all your belongings in, letting them mix shamelessly with the sand of last year's trip. No my amigos that simply won't do. The fashion world decrees we must splash the cash on a bag specifically purposed for these days out - the words beach and bag are no misnomer.

Vogue, as always, has a list of bags to take pride of place on your beach lounger. This rep…

The female-only island, Trump's Irn-Bru and the embellished loafer

This reporter brings you tidings of bonne nouvelle. We're going on holiday. Pack your suitcase, get your neighbours to water the goldfish and walk the plants, and let's vacance.

Where are we headed, this reporter hears you ask? Well, she shall tell you, my most eager reader, we are going to a female-only island.

Isn't that prejudiced against all men folk, you respond. Well quite, says this reporter, but that is nothing compared to what is to come. But stop right there - this reporter will ruin her punchline.

Let's progress Bristol fashion to the departure lounge, but first, we must have a nosey around duty free. And what do we spy here but today's fashion fix - the embellished loafer. What a co-incidence. It's almost like this isn't real life at all but something someone's scribbled down just to 'entertain'.

The embellished loafer is 'the' spring shoe, encapsulating the practical with just the right amount of magic. (Thanks Vogue). From …

Germaine Greer on "naked" Beyonce, Ruby Tandoh on food snobbery and the Khaite wool bodysuit

Please hold caller.

Excuse this reporter one moment. She's just got to take this call. You see, she's set herself up a little sideline - 'This Reporter's Fashion Helpline", an emergency hotline for all your sartorial problems, big and small.

Yes, sorry. How may this reporter help you?
Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. Yes. I understand. Yes. The daisy square neck wool bodysuit by Khaite. Yes absolutely, guaranteed. Not a problem. Call again soon.

Apologies for that. Just took a call from "In a Flap" from Blackburn. She's been struck down by the fashion trend for tucking in everything, including the chunkiest of knitwear, into the waistband of her jeans and its left her feeling as though she is about to pop.

This reporter told her she sympathises. We never used to have this trouble in this reporter's day. Indeed, we'd do anything to avoid being tucked in, including detention and lines after school. Now for the youth of today it's a case of get tucke…