Skip to main content

The Kim/Trump meeting, crime fighter Cumberbatch and the Nike Fanny Pack Slides

This reporter declares she takes her eye off the news for a mere week and the world has gone stark raving, round-the-twist bonkers (or certainly a few shades further up the bonkers scale it was already quite jollily ascending).

With reality TV stars attempting to run the show globally and the actual real-life Sherlock Holmes crime fighting on London's streets, we have as good as fallen down the rabbit hole and landed head first in Willy Wonka's loony juice. However, seeing as we're all here, let's dive all the way to the bottom and take a closer look.

Our first story quite frankly reaches the absolute pinnacle of current societal mood, which favours bolshy fame seekers of negligible talent over the quietly naturally gifted.

We have already seen how well that goes with current President of the United States Donald Trump. But undeterred we now have entering stage left, reality TV star Kim Kardashian who appears to be channelling actress Angelina Jolie in her attempt to  "make the world a better place" whilst sitting pretty on her pot of gold.

In case you missed it, Ms Kardashian met with President Trump recently to call for a pardon on Alice Marie Johnson, a 63-year-old grandmother serving a life sentence for a first time non-violent drug offence. Kim proclaimed she was bored of superficial purchases and wanted to move on to do good works.

Trump proudly posted a photo of himself sat behind his big desk with an austere Kim K by his side, proclaiming: "Great meeting with @KimKardashian today, talked about prison reform and sentencing".

If all had not reached peaked madness by this point, we then hear that Sherlock star Benedict Cumberbatch has helped fight off a gang of thugs as they attacked a Deliveroo cyclist just a stone's throw from the famous detective's stomping ground of Baker Street.

It is reported the 41-year-old actor leaped out of the back of the Uber he was travelling through London in and pulled the hooligans off the cyclist, shouting "Leave him alone". The gang scarpered, probably on realising they were dealing with Sherlock Holmes. Of the attack, Mr Cumberbatch said: "I did it out of, well, I had to, you know..." Do we, Benedict, do we? The plot thickens.

Let's have a shot of today's news headlines to sober us up a bit. And nothing can be more sobering than the news of leaked Whitehall documents which predict "Armageddon" should there be a No Deal Brexit. The port at Dover will collapse on day one, the supermarkets of Cornwall and Scotland will run out of food within a couple of days and hospitals will run out of medicines within two weeks according to the rosy picture painted by just the second to worst case scenario drawn up by those "no good" civil servants.

Conservative MP and staunch Brexiteer Jacob Rees-Mogg has called it "project fear on speed". Now there's as good a reason as any to believe it. But don't panic, major Tory Donor and Leave campaigner Crispin Odley has the solution. He thinks Michael Gove should be installed as the new Tory leader in place of Theresa May who has proved "she cannot carry Brexit through".

Odley declares Brexit needs a bolder approach by someone who is not afraid to break EU rules and forcibly put what we want on the table. He believes Gove is the man to do this and describes him as the only minister "who is still being a minister", who understands to be successful you need a broad appeal, not just amongst the wealthy. This reporter concludes Odley may be delusional about Gove.

So how do we feel? A little better? A little more status quo. Hang on, what on earth is that being flung onto my news desk? Is it a bag, is it a shoe? No by Jove, it's actually both. The new Nike Fanny Pack Slides.

It is true, the weirdness never ends as Nike have proved with this new "innovation" which sees a bum bag-style compartment strapped across the front of this year's must-have sandal. The fashion press have displayed what this reporter can only perceive as a dis-proportional amount of excitement over this quite ugly shoe, which they cheer will enable wearers to go out and about sans bag and hands free this summer.

This reporter declares women on a night out learnt the art of secreting taxi money and other necessities about their person many years ago. Just think Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. But there was no need for Nike to make the whole thing official. This would be the best time for a Cumberbatch-style shout of "run for the hills" but running is no mean feat in sliders.





Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Jilly Cooper interview, a ground-breaking cure for cancer and the Rock n' Rose hair scarf

"Fame I'm gonna live forever..."

Good afternoon and welcome back to a special, roadshow edition of Fame, the celebrity spotlight televisual programme presented by none other than yours truly, This Reporter.

Here we are squirreled away in a delightful cattle shed somewhere deep in the British countryside waiting for this afternoon's guest to arrive. She is a journalist and prolific best-selling author. With novels including "Rider", "Jump" and "Mount" she is undeniably the queen of the "posh bonkbuster". Here to talk about modern men, starting out and Germaine Greer's latest contentious comments on rape, ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Jilly Cooper OBE.

Press play on the ghetto blaster Gary.

"Keep rollin', rollin', rollin. Though the streams are swollen. Keep them dogies rollin', rawhide..."

This Reporter: Jilly Cooper. Welcome. Pull up a hay bale.

Jilly Cooper: Why thank-you. (…

Tonsils, cacti and purchase of the week - the beach bag

"Oh I do like to be beside the seaside, oh I do like to be beside the sea..."

Do you remember the good old-fashioned cool box? The big chunky plastic container with the extractable white handle, which came with two blue ice blocks you had to put in the freezer overnight before any planned picnic or trip to the beach?

This reporter finds herself yearning for the return of one of these retro contraptions as she is bombarded with the news that a designated beach bag is considered de rigueur for any trip to the seaside now.

What's the panic, I hear you exclaim? Just find your old tote bag or canvas carrier and chuck all your belongings in, letting them mix shamelessly with the sand of last year's trip. No my amigos that simply won't do. The fashion world decrees we must splash the cash on a bag specifically purposed for these days out - the words beach and bag are no misnomer.

Vogue, as always, has a list of bags to take pride of place on your beach lounger. This rep…

The female-only island, Trump's Irn-Bru and the embellished loafer

This reporter brings you tidings of bonne nouvelle. We're going on holiday. Pack your suitcase, get your neighbours to water the goldfish and walk the plants, and let's vacance.

Where are we headed, this reporter hears you ask? Well, she shall tell you, my most eager reader, we are going to a female-only island.

Isn't that prejudiced against all men folk, you respond. Well quite, says this reporter, but that is nothing compared to what is to come. But stop right there - this reporter will ruin her punchline.

Let's progress Bristol fashion to the departure lounge, but first, we must have a nosey around duty free. And what do we spy here but today's fashion fix - the embellished loafer. What a co-incidence. It's almost like this isn't real life at all but something someone's scribbled down just to 'entertain'.

The embellished loafer is 'the' spring shoe, encapsulating the practical with just the right amount of magic. (Thanks Vogue). From …

Germaine Greer on "naked" Beyonce, Ruby Tandoh on food snobbery and the Khaite wool bodysuit

Please hold caller.

Excuse this reporter one moment. She's just got to take this call. You see, she's set herself up a little sideline - 'This Reporter's Fashion Helpline", an emergency hotline for all your sartorial problems, big and small.

Yes, sorry. How may this reporter help you?
Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. Yes. I understand. Yes. The daisy square neck wool bodysuit by Khaite. Yes absolutely, guaranteed. Not a problem. Call again soon.

Apologies for that. Just took a call from "In a Flap" from Blackburn. She's been struck down by the fashion trend for tucking in everything, including the chunkiest of knitwear, into the waistband of her jeans and its left her feeling as though she is about to pop.

This reporter told her she sympathises. We never used to have this trouble in this reporter's day. Indeed, we'd do anything to avoid being tucked in, including detention and lines after school. Now for the youth of today it's a case of get tucke…