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The magically transforming tie-dye waistcoat and football's not coming home

Tie-dye - the preserve of 90s glow-stick waving ravers - has been spotted on the catwalks of Michael Kors and Dior. Thus officially, it is a 'trend'.

Here's this reporter's crafty guide to making your own tie-dye vest - complete with magical transformative powers. Let's get stuck in...

Purloin (by legal means) a plain white vest. Fill up a bucket with dye (your choice of colour - this reporter's gone for shocking pink). Take marbles and tie them, with string, into little marble pouches all over your vest. These will become the tie-dye 'splats' (official term).

With aid of a stick or other long and wieldy utensil, lower your vest into the bucket of dye. Leave to soak for as long as it takes this reporter to regale you with today's news headlines.

Here they are. And pray silence for the England team who were beaten by Croatia in the semi-finals of the World Cup, 2-1 in extra time. Meaning our dreams of 'football coming home' are well and truly dashed.

But take heart, cries this reporter, from a grafting and all-inclusive England team, who have proved a shiny beacon to the Eton club currently 'ballsing' up our country. Not to mention 90s penalty fluffer to waistcoat warrior, Gareth Southgate.

Talking of which, former Prime Minister David Cameron's tweet on the England match went down about as well as expected. "It wasn't to be this time, but you played like lions and made us all so proud", he wrote. "You don't get to join in", the internet declared.

No finger nails left after watching the match? There's a whole set going spare after the Guinness World Record holder for the longest finger nails chopped them off. Shridhar Chillal, an 82-year-old man from India, has been growing his nails since he was 14. They measured 29 foot 10.1 inches, about the same length as a London bus.

In London, Prime Minister Theresa May is bound to be making many toilet trips in anticipation of Donald Trump's trip to Blighty which kicks off today and is due to last four days. Mr Trump begins his visit deep in the countryside at a 'secret location' but he has sent Melania Trump ahead of him to the big city - no doubt to take the first blows - where she will meet with school children alongside her British 'counterpart' Mr Philip May. Let's hope they've checked the back of her jacket.

Meanwhile, following on from the excitement of the Osmonds turning up in the public gallery of Prime Minister's Questions yesterday, (it really does continue to get weirder) there is talk of the pro-Brexiteers led by (boo, hiss) Jacob Rees-Mogg coming up with their own White Paper, which they aim to push forward in place of Mrs May's Chequer's plan.

As to that, an anonymous source has said that ahead of its official pronouncement in Parliament today, the Chequer's plan is currently locked in a safe in Westminster and David Davis has walked away with the key. If a workman with welding equipment is spotted in the vicinity, then indeed we know it to be true.

And finally, Nigel Farage has upset more people. American band Rage Against the Machine to be exact, who are demanding the former UKIP leader changes the name of his podcast, which is currently called Farage Against the Machine. A cease and desist letter sent from the band states they do not wish to appear to be endorsing, or have any association with, his "abhorrent" policies.

Let's shimmy over to where our tie dye vest is slowly stewing and take a look a what's going on. Just about ready for serving this reporter reckons. Take your stick, or other wieldy member, and fish your vest out. And would you believe it, it's turned into Gareth Southgate's waistcoat.

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