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The Tory Leadership Contest - including the drug's weekender and Lorraine Kelly

WELCOME to This Reporter's weekly news journal and the Tory Leadership Contest has proved unavoidable, with the ten prospective PMs setting out their supplications, ahead of the grand whittling process. No spoilers - but the lucky few making it through the first round - of many - are named somewhere further down below. And one thing is patently clear, if the full ten of them are not, as rumoured, off their heads on something, then we the great British public certainly must be - or perhaps should be.

Monday 10th June and with the Tory leadership race properly "on", now Theresa May has formerly stepped down into a caretaker role (unblocking the Commons' toilets), contestants have launched wide-eyed and twitchy, into the opening round which involves them battling it out to see who has taken the most drugs.
Over the weekend one of the "favourites" Michael Gove added several lines of cocaine sampled during his journalistic years onto the increasing stash table. H…
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A Trump Visit Special Edition - Featuring Camilla's wink, "Michael, Who's Michael?" and "Boris, You're Hired"

WELCOME to This Reporter's three day, pull-out-and-keep, special on the President of the United State's UK visit, complete with choice of exceptional free gifts - ranging from a limited edition Downing Street tea set and a pen set featuring Royal crest, to Winston Churchill's (framed) personal draft of the Atlantic Charter, all currently available on Donald Trump's Depop.

Monday 3rd June (Day 1) and despite all hopes to the contrary, American President Donald Trump arrived in the UK on his, delayed, state visit. Jetting into Stansted on Air Force One, from which vantage point he could comfortably take in the sights, including the ginormous "Oi Trump" penis mowed into a lawn, he was accompanied not only by wife Melania but four of his grown-up children. Seemingly for safety in numbers, though his external manner was as bombastic as ever. Before landing he had found the time to liberally disseminate a series of Trumpisms, presumably to get us all in the mood, an…

Waffles, Milkshake and Goodbye Theresa May

Monday 20th May and we wake to Health Secretary Matt Hancock enduring a grilling from Good Morning Britain's presenter Piers Morgan for devouring a caramel waffle before coming live on air. "What did you have for breakfast?" Mr Morgan asks, flexing those journalistic muscles, to which Mr Hancock replies, a banana - then follows a brief pause - and a waffle. The camera shifts to earlier footage of Hancock consuming said waffle, with unmistakable relish, as Morgan asks, is this really the example you wish to set the nation, that we should all be eating calorific, fat-filled caramel waffles? Mr Hancock, realising there is no way out of this (that there's not been anything quite like this in food policing since Ed Miliband bit into a bacon sandwich) replies: "I love life, but I love my waffles".
Meanwhile, following hot-on-the-heels of the revelation insurance tycoon Aaron Banks "lavishly funded" Nigel Farage's lifestyle following the 2016 referen…

BAFTAs, Alabama, "Four Ovens" and Jeremy Kyle

FROM "Killing Eve" cleaning up at the BAFTAs and the rise of Nigel Farage's half-baked Brexit Party, to the trash found at the depths of the ocean which, according to some reports has Jeremy Kyle living under it, to "Four Ovens" MP James Brokenshire, if this week was a grossly out-dated, misogynistic trope, it would be a domestic goddess. All complaints please back date to 1957, where you'll find the Senate of Alabama mulling over their next Gilead-inspired motion. Welcome to This Reporter's Weekly News Journal.

Monday 13th May andget your glad rags on - or not (we'll get to that in a moment) - because our first stop is the BAFTAs where "Killing Eve" cleaned up on the night like any good assassin would, scooping awards for best drama series, best actress and best supporting actress. This was despite chat over whether the programme should have been included in the awards night at all. Some bother about it being screened over in America first…

Line of Duty, Baby Sussex and Jess Phillip's Rape Threats

SACKED defence secretary Gavin Williamson has mind-powered himself into an episode of "Line of Duty" this week, convinced as he is there is a No.10 smear campaign against him. But there is much more than just this for us to investigate. From MP Jess Phillip's rape threats finally getting police attention and the suspiciously joyful arrival of Baby Sussex, to the flock of sheep enrolling at school, welcome to This Reporter's Weekly News Journal.

Monday 6th May and with the bank holiday allowing no rest for the wicked, the Tories and Labour have mulled over their great losses in the local elections and concluded this means the public just want to see Brexit done. They report they have upped their efforts to find that mecca state of marvellous accord.
Superstar Madonna has proved herself not immune to the tribulations of parenthood as, in an interview to mark the release of  her 183rd studio album, she bemoaned giving her children mobile phones too young. "It ended …