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Plastic drinking straws, "ambitious managed divergence" and the Princess Diana boots

Despite no longer being Education Secretary, Michael Gove has still managed to come up with a scheme to effectively destroy many a happy childhood. In his guise as Minister for Environment, Mr Gove is proposing to ban plastic drinking straws.

An entirely meritorious idea when faced with the stark reality of what these straws do to our marine wildlife, however, it does seem fairly typical of the Gove-meister that he would implement a change which would banish all those joyful childhood moments - jabbing a little plastic straw into a drinks carton with a satisfying 'suck, pop', slurping up the last dregs of juice with a rude gurgling sound, blowing bubbles into milkshake with fat, round cheeks.

Elsewhere, it was the Brexit War Cabinet's away day at the prime minister's country residence, Chequers. And once they'd thrown the coloured bean bags around to ensure everyone knew each other's names, it was time for the MPs to settle down to the important business of what the heck to do about a Brexit trade deal.

This was Theresa May's opportunity to wow everyone with her three baskets master plan, catchily entitled "ambitious managed divergence". In essence this involves setting up said three baskets and into one putting all those bits of the EU we want to keep, in basket number two putting all those bits we absolutely do not want, and in the third basket we put the bits which are quite good, such as the customs union, which Britain will construct its own version of once we leave the EU - and which this reporter has been assured is absolutely not the great big waste of time and man hours that it sounds.

Allegedly, the rest of the Brexit War Cabinet were quite happy with Mrs May's proposal, which seems a little unfathomable, unless each of the members were sneakily considering hiding the basket they were least enamoured with in the hope Mrs May wouldn't notice.

EU Council President Donald Tusk has caught wind of Mrs May's plan and said it was "pure illusion". Thinking about it, does he mean "pure illusion" or does he actually mean "pure delusion"?

Whilst a psychiatrist has taken Donald Trump at his word after he announced that people must be more vigilant and report any clues that people were going to follow in the footsteps of the gunman who carried out a horrific shooting at a school in Florida. Dr Bandy Lee followed the American President's advise to the letter by reporting Trump, to Trump.

She explained that here was a leader who had access to far more lethal weapons than an AR-15, before quoting many of Trump's more aggressive remarks including the charming: "If you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously. Okay. Just knock the hell - I promise you, I will pay for the legal fees" and "I would bring back waterboarding. And I'd bring back a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding." Dr Lee has a point.

We must end by talking about Princess Diana's boots. Not her actual boots, you understand, but a pair designed through a collaboration between Jimmy Choo and Off White as part of a whole collection in memory of the stylish princess.

Mr Gove had better sit up and take notice, as the Jimmy Choo Elisabeth 100 PVC-wrapped satin knee boots are not only a crime against fashion but potentially hazardous to the environment, being wrapped, to all intents and purposes, in cellophane. To give that glass slipper effect apparently. What they do actually resemble is one of those cellophane-encased fruit baskets you may give as a gift to an elderly sick relative.  Just add a self-adhesive bow to finish.


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