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Pass the bread sauce - we're off to war - and the Self Portrait cold shoulder sweater

This reporter was convinced we had lost our Blitz spirit. If this country had to endure a third world war, she thought, we would be completely sunk.

The snow brought on the back of the Beast from the East last month proved this reporter wrong in one aspect - far from being devoid of Blitz spirit, this country was possessed by it. To the point that, instead of providing us with the stoic armour with which to face great adversity, it had riddled us with unmanageable, blind hysteria.

Mass panic was induced by meteorologists and news readers as they banned us from venturing outside. Stark newspaper headlines ran "snowmageddon". Supermarkets were whipped free of their bread and milk in a frenzy of panic buying.

Schools were closed, trains failed to run, electricity supplies went down and people went into a weekend of hibernation as a fluttering of snow peppered our pavements and roadways.

Far from confronting the enemy head on with defiance, we were on our knees, hands clasped, begging for mercy, a packet of Warburton's bagels poking out of our pocket.

This reporter urges you to bear with her as she now quotes from a speech...
"I have never forgotten the sorrow and the pride I felt as my sister and I huddled around the nursery wireless set listening to my father's (George VI's) inspiring words on that fateful day in 1939. Not for a single moment did I imagine that this solemn and awful duty would one day fall to me.

"But whatever terrors lie in wait for us all, the qualities that have helped to keep our freedom intact twice already during this sad century will once more be our strength.

"My message to you therefore is simple. Help those who cannot help themselves, give comfort to the lonely and the homeless and let your family become the focus of hope and life to those who need it.

"As we strive together to fight off the new evil, let us pray for our country and men of goodwill* wherever they may be and remember, stock up on lots of bread.** God bless you all."

This is the speech which the Queen will broadcast across all our television sets should World War Three be declared.

There are divisions (when aren't there these days) over how we should deal with the use of potentially lethal nerve agent on a Russian spy and his daughter in Salisbury a fortnight ago. Prime Minister Theresa May is much supported in Parliament on taking the line that, on the basis nerve agent is - allegedly - held only by the Russian military, the Russians must be to blame and therefore we must take a hard line against them.

Whilst Jeremy Corbyn, Labour's leader, has put forward an altogether more measured view that we should allow investigations by the police and security forces to run their course before we apportion blame.

Coming to this situation with scant understanding of this dark, frankly frightful world of espionage, Russian Mafia-types and chemical warfare - other than what you see on the telly and what she learnt in history GCSE - this reporter would feel hesitant to give an opinion on the right course for the government to take (though she may have given a bit of a clue).

But what she thinks we can all agree on, surely, is that no one wants to switch on their television set and hear the Queen give that speech. If nothing else, the supermarkets won't be able to cope.

This reporter, humbly, recommends investing in this cold shoulder sweater by Self Portrait. It provides a warm and cosy protection against external aggressions whilst giving you just that little bit of vulnerability on each shoulder, to fill with what - doubt, fear, hope, bread? This reporter will allow you to decide.

(* Reporter's note - slightly sexist)

(** This reporter will come clean and admit she may have added this bit)

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