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The inside scoop on Meghan and Harry's wedding - all the action before it's even happened

Fantastic news. We have all been invited to a wedding, and not just any old wedding but the royal wedding of the year (sorry Princess Eugenie) between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

This is what the big day - 19th May, if you still need to jot it down in your filofax - will look like. The girls will all get ready at Meghan's house, taking it in turns to marvel at her dress, by an avant garde British designer we will all pretend we have heard of.

We will watch back-to-back episodes of Suits, quaffing glasses of Kombucha, so we can exclaim over how far she has come, all the while trying to reassure Kate Middleton we cannot see the baby sick down her brand new pleat detail dress from Reiss. (We can).

The boys will meanwhile be round Harry's gaff, stuffing themselves on venison burgers and Kettle Chips, before stripping down for a last game of naked snooker - for old time's sake. Reminiscing about ill-advised fancy dress costumes, past girlfriends with posh, fancy names without superfluous letters. Until Charlie boy pokes his head around the door and declares it's time to rock and roll.

The church service will be perfunctory, livened up briefly by Camilla Parker-Bowles snorting rather loudly into Mike Tindall's spare rugby jersey, because she lent her only tissue to Princess Charlotte. Out into the bright, spring sunshine, where we all get to pose like a Kardashian for the royal photographer - a small brawl breaking out over who gets to be Kim.

Then it's back to Buckingham Palace for the wedding breakfast - stuffed swan, unicorn's trotter and a life-sized sugar paste sculpture of the Empire State Building, in a joint venture between Mary Berry and Prue Leith.

The disco will get pumping once the Queen has hit the hay. Prince Andrew and Prince Philip busting moves to The Prodigy's "Firestarter". Meghan and Harry slow dancing to "I did it my way".

Did you know, the number of opposite sex couples tying the knot is 50 per cent lower than it was in 1940 - an all time low. Whilst the age of people getting married is increasing to 36, suggesting marriage is no longer anything to do with setting out on your young lives together but something to fall back on when you run out of joy de vivre.

We shouldn't be surprised though. People find buying an actual CD too much of a commitment these days, in a world of downloading and streaming. Simply press delete when you get bored. There's nothing left but a small, digital footprint, somewhere out in the stratosphere, to be stumbled over by a puzzled eskimo.

In a world of fast fashion, fast food and Instagram Stories, marriage is simply too slow, too mundane, old-fashioned. Best consign it to the history books, alongside the dial-up internet.

What's that - news just in. It turns out not everyone is invited to Harry and Meghan's wedding after all. Just a few thousands carefully selected members of the public. This is indeed a crushing blow. This reporter can only conclude her invitation is lost in the post.

You see, she has her hat picked out all ready - the Gucci pierced heart straw hat. It's disgusting, like all good wedding hats should be.

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