Skip to main content

The inside scoop on Meghan and Harry's wedding - all the action before it's even happened

Fantastic news. We have all been invited to a wedding, and not just any old wedding but the royal wedding of the year (sorry Princess Eugenie) between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

This is what the big day - 19th May, if you still need to jot it down in your filofax - will look like. The girls will all get ready at Meghan's house, taking it in turns to marvel at her dress, by an avant garde British designer we will all pretend we have heard of.

We will watch back-to-back episodes of Suits, quaffing glasses of Kombucha, so we can exclaim over how far she has come, all the while trying to reassure Kate Middleton we cannot see the baby sick down her brand new pleat detail dress from Reiss. (We can).

The boys will meanwhile be round Harry's gaff, stuffing themselves on venison burgers and Kettle Chips, before stripping down for a last game of naked snooker - for old time's sake. Reminiscing about ill-advised fancy dress costumes, past girlfriends with posh, fancy names without superfluous letters. Until Charlie boy pokes his head around the door and declares it's time to rock and roll.

The church service will be perfunctory, livened up briefly by Camilla Parker-Bowles snorting rather loudly into Mike Tindall's spare rugby jersey, because she lent her only tissue to Princess Charlotte. Out into the bright, spring sunshine, where we all get to pose like a Kardashian for the royal photographer - a small brawl breaking out over who gets to be Kim.

Then it's back to Buckingham Palace for the wedding breakfast - stuffed swan, unicorn's trotter and a life-sized sugar paste sculpture of the Empire State Building, in a joint venture between Mary Berry and Prue Leith.

The disco will get pumping once the Queen has hit the hay. Prince Andrew and Prince Philip busting moves to The Prodigy's "Firestarter". Meghan and Harry slow dancing to "I did it my way".

Did you know, the number of opposite sex couples tying the knot is 50 per cent lower than it was in 1940 - an all time low. Whilst the age of people getting married is increasing to 36, suggesting marriage is no longer anything to do with setting out on your young lives together but something to fall back on when you run out of joy de vivre.

We shouldn't be surprised though. People find buying an actual CD too much of a commitment these days, in a world of downloading and streaming. Simply press delete when you get bored. There's nothing left but a small, digital footprint, somewhere out in the stratosphere, to be stumbled over by a puzzled eskimo.

In a world of fast fashion, fast food and Instagram Stories, marriage is simply too slow, too mundane, old-fashioned. Best consign it to the history books, alongside the dial-up internet.

What's that - news just in. It turns out not everyone is invited to Harry and Meghan's wedding after all. Just a few thousands carefully selected members of the public. This is indeed a crushing blow. This reporter can only conclude her invitation is lost in the post.

You see, she has her hat picked out all ready - the Gucci pierced heart straw hat. It's disgusting, like all good wedding hats should be.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

Theresa May's girls' night in and ice-cream flavoured plimsoles

The fashion world is in a two-and-eight. It has inconceivably come up with a trend which is the complete antithesis of everything it stands for - ice-cream. Let's be honest, no one in the fashion industry has eaten since 1997, subsisting on fresh air and the occasional whiff of Lancome watermelon Juicy Tube (because they're back). Never mind the veritable Pandora's box of worms the issue rears up for the lactose intolerant, and the vegans, who have risen up like a Samuria army since the clock struck midnight on first of January. But fear not, this ice-cream trend is nothing to do with consuming delicious frozen cream (sadly). Instead it is about the chosen pastel colour palette for this spring, leading on to summer 2018. Melting their way down runways there have been strawberry ice-cream coloured jackets from Celine, Acne Studios have offered up pistachio co-ords, Chanel have served us vanilla wafer coloured suits. There have been blueberry swirl skirts at Versace and

"Summer dreams ripped at the seams" - The day we should have Brexit

TODAY - Friday 29th March - was to have been The Day -  the day we Brexited from the European Union. If all had gone according to - if there had actually been a - plan. Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg were scheduled to be there at Dover cliff edge, gardening shears at the ready, to ceremoniously sever, together, all ties with our continental neighbours. In manner of some warped version of the bride and bridegroom cutting into their first slice of wedding cake. Former fireplace salesman, turned Defence Secretary, Gavin Williamson would have led the military salute as Salvation Army brass bands from across the country, on pain of death, led a rousing rendition of "Jerusalem", followed by a blast of the Grease Megamix. That's the news of what didn't pan out this week, so what actually did happen? We heard Nigel Farage compared to Blackadder's Field Marshall Haig when Guy Verhofstadt questioned why he was sat in European Parliament and not out on the 200 mile Mar

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#