Skip to main content

Notting Hill mansions, Skripal's cat and the Fendi micro bag

"Knock, knock." "Password please." "Viva la revolution." "That's correct, you may come in."
Oh, it's only you. You should have said. The reason for such stealth practises is this reporter is currently lying low in this £25million mansion in Notting Hill.

This palatial pad was featured in The Sun, no doubt to make the reader's blood run green, as it emerges that the average home now boasts a living room a third the size of one in the 1970's in what has been dubbed "rabbit hutch living". Whilst we are struggling on with just three bedrooms compared to an average of 3.6 bedrooms in the 1980's. (This reporter asks which unfortunate child ended up saddled with the 0.6).

Back to this reporter's current abode and it really is bucking the trend. Havona House sports 8,700 square foot of luxury living space, multiple bathrooms, an ornate spiral staircase, a 70 foot swimming pool and an automated James Bond-style parking system. This reporter therefore concludes it is the ideal place for talking about today's topic of conspiracy and subterfuge because this home positively screams no ne'er do wells living here.

Down to business and this reporter has heard on the grapevine secret plans to form a new political party, which has the ambitious premise of borrowing from both the left and right of politics whilst remaining staunchly neither.

The centrist party - yet to be named - is being spearheaded by Simon Franks, the multimillionaire and founder of LoveFilm, so expect excellent trailers. Other supporters include unnamed entrepreneurs, philanthropists and former Tory donors united by a frustration at how tribal politics has become, how polarised by Brexit and how weak the leaders of both major parties currently are.

This reporter has two words for you - 'Animal Farm'*

Talking of which, this reporter's current favourite conspiracy theory has arisen out of the Salisbury spy poisoning. As it appears that Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia look set to make nothing short of a miraculous recovery after being attacked by nerve agent, theories have surfaced that the human Skripals were not the intended victims, but their pets.

The administering of nerve agent to the Skripal's front door handle was actually intended for the Skripal's two guinea pigs and black, fluffy cat, who it is rumoured "saw something they shouldn't have". The perils of being owned by a former spy, this reporter can only conclude.

Where the attackers - still unknown unless you talk to Boris Johnson - fell down was failing to remember that paws can't work door handles.

This would be the exact right time to drop in the latest trend, the micro bag - the absolute embodiment of fashion subterfuge. Why, you ask? Because no one, absolutely no one, can function through day-to-day life on the contents of a bag the size of a thimble.

The micro bag is the shop front for the gigantic tote bag jam-packed full of books, leaking make-up canisters and old receipts shoved in the car or under the desk at work. It says I need absolutely nothing but my debit card and an emergency Polo mint but it is nothing short of a big, fat lie.

Did this reporter fail to mention that the Skripal's actually had two cats and one managed to get away, because she thinks she just saw him scampering up the middle of the Notting Hill highway with a Fendi micro bag swinging from his tail.

*To clarify - the pigs ended up being just as corrupt as the humans

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

This Reporter's Weekly News Journal - Nudity, Tied Votes and Floods

Monday 1st April 2019 and news-based April Fools gags are indistinguishable from regular reportage. The British are knackered having lost an hours sleep due to the clocks springing forward. None are so "knackered" however as chief government whip Julian Smith who in interview with the BBC said the current Cabinet had shown the "worst example of ill-discipline in the history of British politics" at a time when the person responsible for political discipline, is him. "I'm knackered," he reiterated. "Dealing with colleagues 24/7, sitting around the Cabinet table trying to destabilise the Prime Minister." Elsewhere, Downing Street, the aforementioned PM Theresa May wakes up from a restless night, a single platitude in her head: "oh bother", as she remembers she still hasn't delivered Brexit. Latest from the DUP runs, should Mrs May bring her deal back a thousand times (likely), they will continue to vote against it every time. Me

Mail Bombs, Ross from Friends and the Dr Marten Boots

FROM the suspected bombs sent out to Trump's critics and Ross from Friends in the frame with Blackpool police, to the resurgence of picket line favourite - the Dr Marten boot, welcome to This Reporter's daily news and style round-up. In the words of many a newspaper columnist, "the rhetoric became real" yesterday (Wednesday) as it emerged suspected explosives had been sent to a host of prominent Donald Trump critics including former President Barack Obama and Democrat presidential nominee Hilary Clinton. The "bombs" were intercepted by the US Secret Service. On the same day the CNN studios in New York were evacuated after a "live explosive device" was found in its mail room. New York police commissioner James O-Neill said the targets may have been selected due to their opposition to Trump. And Trump's constant rhetoric of violence towards his opponents - including most recently praising the "slam-dunking" of a Guardian journalist