Skip to main content

Notting Hill mansions, Skripal's cat and the Fendi micro bag

"Knock, knock." "Password please." "Viva la revolution." "That's correct, you may come in."
Oh, it's only you. You should have said. The reason for such stealth practises is this reporter is currently lying low in this £25million mansion in Notting Hill.

This palatial pad was featured in The Sun, no doubt to make the reader's blood run green, as it emerges that the average home now boasts a living room a third the size of one in the 1970's in what has been dubbed "rabbit hutch living". Whilst we are struggling on with just three bedrooms compared to an average of 3.6 bedrooms in the 1980's. (This reporter asks which unfortunate child ended up saddled with the 0.6).

Back to this reporter's current abode and it really is bucking the trend. Havona House sports 8,700 square foot of luxury living space, multiple bathrooms, an ornate spiral staircase, a 70 foot swimming pool and an automated James Bond-style parking system. This reporter therefore concludes it is the ideal place for talking about today's topic of conspiracy and subterfuge because this home positively screams no ne'er do wells living here.

Down to business and this reporter has heard on the grapevine secret plans to form a new political party, which has the ambitious premise of borrowing from both the left and right of politics whilst remaining staunchly neither.

The centrist party - yet to be named - is being spearheaded by Simon Franks, the multimillionaire and founder of LoveFilm, so expect excellent trailers. Other supporters include unnamed entrepreneurs, philanthropists and former Tory donors united by a frustration at how tribal politics has become, how polarised by Brexit and how weak the leaders of both major parties currently are.

This reporter has two words for you - 'Animal Farm'*

Talking of which, this reporter's current favourite conspiracy theory has arisen out of the Salisbury spy poisoning. As it appears that Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia look set to make nothing short of a miraculous recovery after being attacked by nerve agent, theories have surfaced that the human Skripals were not the intended victims, but their pets.

The administering of nerve agent to the Skripal's front door handle was actually intended for the Skripal's two guinea pigs and black, fluffy cat, who it is rumoured "saw something they shouldn't have". The perils of being owned by a former spy, this reporter can only conclude.

Where the attackers - still unknown unless you talk to Boris Johnson - fell down was failing to remember that paws can't work door handles.

This would be the exact right time to drop in the latest trend, the micro bag - the absolute embodiment of fashion subterfuge. Why, you ask? Because no one, absolutely no one, can function through day-to-day life on the contents of a bag the size of a thimble.

The micro bag is the shop front for the gigantic tote bag jam-packed full of books, leaking make-up canisters and old receipts shoved in the car or under the desk at work. It says I need absolutely nothing but my debit card and an emergency Polo mint but it is nothing short of a big, fat lie.

Did this reporter fail to mention that the Skripal's actually had two cats and one managed to get away, because she thinks she just saw him scampering up the middle of the Notting Hill highway with a Fendi micro bag swinging from his tail.

*To clarify - the pigs ended up being just as corrupt as the humans

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

The British Milk Council, Morrissey and the rainbow jumper from Hush

Much fun has come this week from the British Milk Council's Twitter account. Set up to appear nothing more than an innocuous Twitter forum to spread the health benefits of drinking milk, Twitter users have been led to suspect there is a little more afoot. An hilarious spat broke out online between two of the British Milk Council's employees following the announcement that their official Twitter account was being shut down due to the "misuse of data higher up". Employee Jason, who claims to have built up the brand from the ground including an "inspired" #ManMilk promotion, appears to have taken the Twitter account hostage, declaring he was not going to be pushed out of his job, had changed the Twitter password and intended never to give the account back. Donna, who Twitter devotees speculated may or may not be a cow - of the bovine variety - tweeted back: "Jason log out of this account now or I'll contact Twitter support". Thus commenced a

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Coronavirus: Supermarkets to "feed the nation" and Laughing at nudists

FROM supermarkets drawing up "feed the nation" contingency plans amid Coronavirus, to pleas to make laughing at nudists a hate crime, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Tuesday 3rd March 2020. As the World Health Organisation declares the world is "in uncharted territory" with this Coronavirus, UK supermarkets have drawn up "feed the nation" contingency plans to cope with any panic buying. Including scaling back the variety of foods and groceries available and instead focusing on maintaining supplies of staple products. The government has been accused, meanwhile, of failing to grasp the threat of gig economy workers spreading Coronavirus, by continuing to work because they don't get sick pay and can't afford time off. Unions warned there are more than a million such workers, many of whom visit hundreds of addresses every week delivering parcels and takeaways and carrying passengers in minicabs. As part of the Government&