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Rudd's resignation, Trump's visit and Kat Von D's indestructible eyeliner

You better watch out. You better not cry. Better not pout. I'm telling you why. Donald Trump is coming to town.

More about that later. First, some serious news. (This reporter puts on her most sensible of news reading glasses). The Guardian reports today (Monday) that Amber Rudd has "dramatically" resigned as home secretary after "repeatedly struggling to account for her role in the unjust treatment of Windrush generation migrants."

The documenter of our times continues: "The home secretary was forced to step down after a series of revelations in the Guardian over Windrush culminated in a leak on Friday that appeared to show she was aware of targets for removing illegal migrants from Britain.

"The pressure increased late on Sunday afternoon as the Guardian revealed that in a leaked 2017 letter to Theresa May, Rudd had told the Prime Minister of her intention to increase deportations by 10 per cent - seemingly at odds with her recent denials that she was aware of deportation targets."

This reporter would like to inject a piece of her mind at this point, along the lines of urging all those quick to label the press as fake news-spreading, muck shovellers to not be so quick in their assertions - when here is a prime example of journalists exposing the corruption of a government which would otherwise be continuing to deport our fellow British citizens unchallenged.

The crucial question now of course is who will be appointed the new home secretary? Polls are in favour of Michael Gove - heaven help us.

This reporter would also like to declare that the government's tactic to distract us from the growing heat of the Windrush scandal by announcing President Donald Trump's visit has, as we have just witnessed, completely failed.

She can picture the scene now - Theresa May reaching for the box file labelled "drastic measures" which, MP's had all been forewarned, would only be opened as a last ditch attempt to blind-side the public from whatever irreversible furore was going on in Parliament.

Inside are closely guarded details for Trump's state visit to London in July. This reporter's singular, but strong, piece of evidence in support of such a conspiracy comes in the form of Boris Johnson's tweet on Friday.

The foreign secretary writes, in a direct ape of the Trumpster's unnecessary capitalisation; "FANTASTIC news that President @realdonaldtrump will at last come to Britain on 13 July. Looking forward to seeing our closest ally and friend on the GREATest visit ever".

So het up is this with bonhomie over the planet's most inept and distasteful leader coming to our shores, and so contrary to real feeling, that we can only include this is BoJo's, characteristically, less than subtle attempt to whip us up into a frenzy of forgetfulness.

News just in. A woman who was in a car crash has rushed to social media to inform us all that whilst now herself resembling a mangled wreck, her eyeliner has not budged. Shelby Hagan has taken a snap of herself from her hospital bed and posted it alongside a glowing review of Kat Von D's tattoo eyeliner, that states, said eyeliner is "indestructible". Sadly the same could not be said for the rest of her body.

Apologies for that interruption. It is "all go" at this reporter's news desk. Back to Trump and plans are afoot on Twitter to line the streets of London on the day of his visit. There has been talk of making a proper summertime excursion of it, with picnics and catching the sun's rays scheduled in between bottom showing.

Of course there has been debate about what to wear to this most glorious of social gatherings and this reporter, with her fashion hat on, suggests anything with an elasticated waistband. She also suggests a slick of Kat Von D's tattoo eyeliner on the posterior in characters of the wearer's choosing, seeing as this particular eyeliner has been declared so "indestructible". And let's face it, Trump's visit is one giant car crash waiting to happen.

This reporter will be gleefully rubbernecking.



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