Skip to main content

The Queen's birthday bash, Eco Stardust glitter and Mary Berry's misspent youth

"Monday. Took her for a drink on Tuesday. We were making..."

Morning all! It was the Queen's birthday bash at the weekend to mark turning ninety-two-years young this year. This reporter hopes you all had a slice of cake and a mojito to celebrate. Meanwhile her Majesty was enjoying a right old knees up at the Royal Albert Hall where a concert was put on in her honour.

She was regaled with the dulcet tones of Craig David, Kylie Minogue, and Shaggy - of "Boombastic" fame. Followed by what the press has dubbed an "unusual" collaborative performance between Frank Skinner, Ed Balls and Harry Hill of George Formby's "When I'm Cleaning Windows". The official explanation for this moment of insanity is the Queen, as we know, is a huge George Formby fan.

This reporter would like to pose a small questionette at this point, which runs along the lines of, do we really think the Queen enjoyed it? Being serenaded by a former Labour MP on a ukulele? She's going out on a limb here, but this reporter is thinking, no.

Wearing glitter on your face is well and truly back in vogue again now the glitter factories have come up with an eco-friendly, biodegradable version. Radio One DJ, and now Guardian fashion columnist, Gemma Cairney, has been singing the praises of eco glitter this week.

In a tale this reporter is sure we can all relate to, Gemma recounts how she looked up to the sky and saw the "twinkling sporadic beams of sunlight" and concluded "to hell with 'chic', to hell with the 'more grown-up'...I'm ready for glitter again".

Eco Stardust makes biodegradable glitter in a whole array of colours. Attach it to eyelids and cheekbones with copious amounts of Vaseline.

Back on earth, Queen of cakes, Mary Berry has revealed that in her 'youth' she was once arrested at an airport on suspicion of drug smuggling. She was even fiesty enough to give security a little bit of back chat, which this reporter believes Mary was lucky didn't see her shut straight in the slammer.

Mary explained, whilst talking on the Graham Norton Show, that 25 years ago she was going to America to do some cookery demonstrations and, worried that there might be problems transporting her ingredients, she decided to weigh them all out - the flour and sugar - and put them into small plastic bags. (We can see where this is going can't we).

When Bezza got to the airport, she said, the sniffer dogs were straight on her and before she knew it she was surrounded by uniformed people and put in a cell. Now here comes the clincher. When security asked Mary if she was going to make any money from her 'haul' she told them; "I do and my fee has already been agreed". As it turns out, Mary didn't end up serving time for possession with intent to supply, unless we are referring to her Victoria sponge cake.

Not to be outdone by her Bake-Off co-star Paul Hollywood who, sorry to remind you all, has been forefront of the Daily Mail's news for his relationship with 22-year-old Summer Monteys-Fullam - the one who likes to call him 'cake, cake'  because he famously bakes... bread - Prue Leith has been making the headlines by talking about her saucy exploits abroad - sort of.

The 78-year-old has recounted how she and her husband like to take their vacation to Gambia, South Africa, but its sunny shores have turned into something of a "real-life Tinder dream for geriatrics".

She says she only had to stroll along the beach without her husband to be approached by a stranger of the opposite sex offering to be, what she rather coyly refers to as, her 'friend'. Prue adds the beaches are awash with elderly white European women happily strolling along hand in hand with beautiful young Gambian men.

Hang on a moment. There appears to be something of a ruckus going on in the corner. Oh it's just Mary Berry, Prue Leith and her Majesty covered head to toe in eco-glitter, glasses of sherry held aloft, toasting in Old Bess's birthday. Next stop Glastonbury - with a pit stop in Gambia no doubt.

"...love by Wednesday. And on Thursday and Friday and Saturday. We chilled on Sunday".




Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

The inside scoop on Meghan and Harry's wedding - all the action before it's even happened

Fantastic news. We have all been invited to a wedding, and not just any old wedding but the royal wedding of the year (sorry Princess Eugenie) between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. This is what the big day - 19th May, if you still need to jot it down in your filofax - will look like. The girls will all get ready at Meghan's house, taking it in turns to marvel at her dress, by an avant garde British designer we will all pretend we have heard of. We will watch back-to-back episodes of Suits, quaffing glasses of Kombucha, so we can exclaim over how far she has come, all the while trying to reassure Kate Middleton we cannot see the baby sick down her brand new pleat detail dress  from Reiss. (We can). The boys will meanwhile be round Harry's gaff, stuffing themselves on venison burgers and Kettle Chips, before stripping down for a last game of naked snooker - for old time's sake. Reminiscing about ill-advised fancy dress costumes, past girlfriends with posh, fancy names

Theresa May's girls' night in and ice-cream flavoured plimsoles

The fashion world is in a two-and-eight. It has inconceivably come up with a trend which is the complete antithesis of everything it stands for - ice-cream. Let's be honest, no one in the fashion industry has eaten since 1997, subsisting on fresh air and the occasional whiff of Lancome watermelon Juicy Tube (because they're back). Never mind the veritable Pandora's box of worms the issue rears up for the lactose intolerant, and the vegans, who have risen up like a Samuria army since the clock struck midnight on first of January. But fear not, this ice-cream trend is nothing to do with consuming delicious frozen cream (sadly). Instead it is about the chosen pastel colour palette for this spring, leading on to summer 2018. Melting their way down runways there have been strawberry ice-cream coloured jackets from Celine, Acne Studios have offered up pistachio co-ords, Chanel have served us vanilla wafer coloured suits. There have been blueberry swirl skirts at Versace and

"Summer dreams ripped at the seams" - The day we should have Brexit

TODAY - Friday 29th March - was to have been The Day -  the day we Brexited from the European Union. If all had gone according to - if there had actually been a - plan. Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg were scheduled to be there at Dover cliff edge, gardening shears at the ready, to ceremoniously sever, together, all ties with our continental neighbours. In manner of some warped version of the bride and bridegroom cutting into their first slice of wedding cake. Former fireplace salesman, turned Defence Secretary, Gavin Williamson would have led the military salute as Salvation Army brass bands from across the country, on pain of death, led a rousing rendition of "Jerusalem", followed by a blast of the Grease Megamix. That's the news of what didn't pan out this week, so what actually did happen? We heard Nigel Farage compared to Blackadder's Field Marshall Haig when Guy Verhofstadt questioned why he was sat in European Parliament and not out on the 200 mile Mar

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#