Skip to main content

The Queen's birthday bash, Eco Stardust glitter and Mary Berry's misspent youth

"Monday. Took her for a drink on Tuesday. We were making..."

Morning all! It was the Queen's birthday bash at the weekend to mark turning ninety-two-years young this year. This reporter hopes you all had a slice of cake and a mojito to celebrate. Meanwhile her Majesty was enjoying a right old knees up at the Royal Albert Hall where a concert was put on in her honour.

She was regaled with the dulcet tones of Craig David, Kylie Minogue, and Shaggy - of "Boombastic" fame. Followed by what the press has dubbed an "unusual" collaborative performance between Frank Skinner, Ed Balls and Harry Hill of George Formby's "When I'm Cleaning Windows". The official explanation for this moment of insanity is the Queen, as we know, is a huge George Formby fan.

This reporter would like to pose a small questionette at this point, which runs along the lines of, do we really think the Queen enjoyed it? Being serenaded by a former Labour MP on a ukulele? She's going out on a limb here, but this reporter is thinking, no.

Wearing glitter on your face is well and truly back in vogue again now the glitter factories have come up with an eco-friendly, biodegradable version. Radio One DJ, and now Guardian fashion columnist, Gemma Cairney, has been singing the praises of eco glitter this week.

In a tale this reporter is sure we can all relate to, Gemma recounts how she looked up to the sky and saw the "twinkling sporadic beams of sunlight" and concluded "to hell with 'chic', to hell with the 'more grown-up'...I'm ready for glitter again".

Eco Stardust makes biodegradable glitter in a whole array of colours. Attach it to eyelids and cheekbones with copious amounts of Vaseline.

Back on earth, Queen of cakes, Mary Berry has revealed that in her 'youth' she was once arrested at an airport on suspicion of drug smuggling. She was even fiesty enough to give security a little bit of back chat, which this reporter believes Mary was lucky didn't see her shut straight in the slammer.

Mary explained, whilst talking on the Graham Norton Show, that 25 years ago she was going to America to do some cookery demonstrations and, worried that there might be problems transporting her ingredients, she decided to weigh them all out - the flour and sugar - and put them into small plastic bags. (We can see where this is going can't we).

When Bezza got to the airport, she said, the sniffer dogs were straight on her and before she knew it she was surrounded by uniformed people and put in a cell. Now here comes the clincher. When security asked Mary if she was going to make any money from her 'haul' she told them; "I do and my fee has already been agreed". As it turns out, Mary didn't end up serving time for possession with intent to supply, unless we are referring to her Victoria sponge cake.

Not to be outdone by her Bake-Off co-star Paul Hollywood who, sorry to remind you all, has been forefront of the Daily Mail's news for his relationship with 22-year-old Summer Monteys-Fullam - the one who likes to call him 'cake, cake'  because he famously bakes... bread - Prue Leith has been making the headlines by talking about her saucy exploits abroad - sort of.

The 78-year-old has recounted how she and her husband like to take their vacation to Gambia, South Africa, but its sunny shores have turned into something of a "real-life Tinder dream for geriatrics".

She says she only had to stroll along the beach without her husband to be approached by a stranger of the opposite sex offering to be, what she rather coyly refers to as, her 'friend'. Prue adds the beaches are awash with elderly white European women happily strolling along hand in hand with beautiful young Gambian men.

Hang on a moment. There appears to be something of a ruckus going on in the corner. Oh it's just Mary Berry, Prue Leith and her Majesty covered head to toe in eco-glitter, glasses of sherry held aloft, toasting in Old Bess's birthday. Next stop Glastonbury - with a pit stop in Gambia no doubt.

"...love by Wednesday. And on Thursday and Friday and Saturday. We chilled on Sunday".




Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Boris Disaggregates the Barney and Rylan Jostles for PM

WELCOME to This Reporter's weekly news round-up and this week there has been a concerted effort on This Reporter's part, not to discuss either Boris Johnson or the Tory leadership contest more generally. Let's see how that pans out.

Monday 24th June and Jeremy Hunt is leading the call for his Tory leadership rival Boris Johnson to come clean about the incident with his girlfriend at her London flat on Friday evening. Cabinet ministers, backbenchers and major party donors, not to mention the public, are all expecting Johnson to give some kind of explanation after police were called out by concerned neighbours who heard his girlfriend Carrie Symonds screaming "get off me" and "get out of my flat", accompanied by the sounds of slamming doors and smashing glasses.
Mr Hunt said Mr Johnson needed to show "he can answer difficult questions", before accusing him of appearing willing to "slink through the back door" of No 10 by "pathetica…

Neil Fromage, Scrapping the Sin Tax and Fantastic Arctic Fox

Monday 1st July and Labour is calling for an investigation into an anonymous leak to the Times newspaper that Jeremy Corbyn was too frail to be PM. Corbyn's team have refuted the allegation their leader is not "firing on all cylinders", with a spokesperson elaborating: "Jeremy Corbyn is as fit as a fiddle - people 20 years younger struggle to keep up with him". The leak is believed to have come from civil servants who have been accused of undermining democracy.
Tory PM wannabe Jeremy Hunt meanwhile has said he was prepared to look family businesses in the eye and say their sacrifice was worth it, should they go bust as a result of no deal Brexit. These words came as he insisted a no deal would be necessary, if a deal could not be struck by October, to show the world the UK listened to its people.
Accompanied by the sounds of a whale chorus, TV naturalist David Attenborough made a surprise appearance on stage at Glastonbury to thank the crowds for making the fes…

Slugs and snails and puppy-dogs' tails - How we made Boris Johnson

"Beware those men, the jokers and the tricksters and the clowns. They will laugh us into hell" - Years and Years

Monday 17th June and the PM hopefuls took part in a televised debate on Channel 4 on Sunday evening. With the principle objective for Jeremy Hunt, Sajid Javid, Dominic Raab, Michael Gove, and Rory Stewart being, trying to prove more charismatic and interesting than an empty chair, as shoe-in Boris Johnson failed to turn up. It took until after the ad break for Mr Hunt to address the situation, saying: "I just want to say, where is Boris?" Whilst Rory Stewart, speaking of the leadership contest, gave us the profound: "It reminds me...I was trying to cram a whole series of rubbish bags into the...rubbish bin. And my wife said 'you're never going to get those three huge bags of rubbish in'. And I was tempted, like Michael, like Dominic, to say "believe in the bin! Believe in Britain! Right? It's nonsense", and the conspiratoria…

"Wacky Ambassador", #AbolishEton and Snowball the Dancing Cockatoo

Monday 8th July and incoming Prime Minister Boris Johnson has jabbed his whetted finger into the air, like a reverse dipstick, to test the latest mood swing of the nation and decreed this week he would best serve himself by backing a no deal Brexit. So here he goes saying he is going to make Britain "match fit" for a no deal departure "come what may", continuing, he was fed up with people claiming it cannot be done. "I have had enough of being told that we cannot do it - that the sixth biggest economy in the world is not strong enough to run itself and go forward in the world".
Over the weekend more than 30 Tories mumbled, in main part, anonymously, that they would block a no deal Brexit, should it be forced through Parliament. Rory Stewart, who became approximately two-eighths living legend for his earlier show in the PM leadership contest, for truth-saying, has gone a little off method with this more revolutionary idea. He declared he would organise an …

Rudd's resignation, Trump's visit and Kat Von D's indestructible eyeliner

You better watch out. You better not cry. Better not pout. I'm telling you why. Donald Trump is coming to town.

More about that later. First, some serious news. (This reporter puts on her most sensible of news reading glasses). The Guardian reports today (Monday) that Amber Rudd has "dramatically" resigned as home secretary after "repeatedly struggling to account for her role in the unjust treatment of Windrush generation migrants."

The documenter of our times continues: "The home secretary was forced to step down after a series of revelations in the Guardian over Windrush culminated in a leak on Friday that appeared to show she was aware of targets for removing illegal migrants from Britain.

"The pressure increased late on Sunday afternoon as the Guardian revealed that in a leaked 2017 letter to Theresa May, Rudd had told the Prime Minister of her intention to increase deportations by 10 per cent - seemingly at odds with her recent denials that she w…