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Showing posts from May, 2018

The female-only island, Trump's Irn-Bru and the embellished loafer

This reporter brings you tidings of bonne nouvelle. We're going on holiday. Pack your suitcase, get your neighbours to water the goldfish and walk the plants, and let's vacance.

Where are we headed, this reporter hears you ask? Well, she shall tell you, my most eager reader, we are going to a female-only island.

Isn't that prejudiced against all men folk, you respond. Well quite, says this reporter, but that is nothing compared to what is to come. But stop right there - this reporter will ruin her punchline.

Let's progress Bristol fashion to the departure lounge, but first, we must have a nosey around duty free. And what do we spy here but today's fashion fix - the embellished loafer. What a co-incidence. It's almost like this isn't real life at all but something someone's scribbled down just to 'entertain'.

The embellished loafer is 'the' spring shoe, encapsulating the practical with just the right amount of magic. (Thanks Vogue). From …

Bon and Pon, InstaGirl Princess Anne and the Silvia Tcherassi belted shorts

Wearing matching his and hers outfits is the most eyeball-burningly hideous offence you can ever commit in coupledom? Think again my friend, think again.

Meet Bon and Pon, the 60-something-year-old Japanese couple who have turned dressing up in co-ordinated clothes into an art form. The super-stylish couple have notched up over 700,000 followers on Instagram since starting to post photos of themselves decked out in matching outfits in late 2016.

Bonpon511 (an Instagram handle which incorporates their childhood nicknames with the date of their wedding anniversary) - or Tsuyoshi and Tomi Seki as they are known in real life, post photos of themselves almost daily wearing similar styles and colours and against complimentary backdrops including works of art, the sea or in front of their home.

The photos are also testament to the love the college sweethearts have for each other after 38 years of marriage. They first found fame after a Yahoo! Japan article about their Instagram images went vi…

Pig stalkers, BoJo's Jet and the Zara contrast print dress

Socks off.

Do you remember the childhood rhyme which runs: "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home..."? You do. Well this story is the remixed version.

A man in America called the police when a 'persistent pig' followed him home from a train station, it is reported.

He called the North Ridgeville Police Station in Ohio at 5.26am on Saturday claiming the pig was following him and, understandably, the officers thought he must be inebriated (the man that is, not the pig).

However, on arriving at the 'scene' they found a completely sober man who was indeed being followed by a piggy stalker. One of the officers managed to 'coerce' the pig into his police car (no jokes please) and brought the pig back to the station where he was locked in one of the dog kennels. The pig has since been reunited with his owner.

Time for some news headlines and today it has been announced Sweden has distributed a 'be prepared for war' leafle…

Gingerbread people, Serrano and Isabel Marant's Lonny belt

"Run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man..."

You know the way people get het up about the minutiae of life? How daily grumbles and irritations are inexplicably elevated to the status of world poverty and famine?

That is what has happened here...

Cake-lovers are up in arms after a bakery decided to change the labels on its gingerbread men to the more politically correct 'gingerbread people'.

JL Bean Bakery in Cleveleys, Lancashire, modified the name of its biscuits on a mere "whim" according to its owner Paul Lewis. However, a recent customer took immense offence when she went to order a gingerbread man and she was told "actually they are gingerbread people now".

The customer, a Mrs Dugdale, expressed her exasperation with this "politically-correct nonsense" on social media and others were quick to join in the criticism. Owner Mr Lewis maintains the name change was nothing to do with political cor…

A royal wedding to fall in love with and the handbag coat

Stumbles in - tripping over a string of flag emblazoned bunting, an empty Prosecco bottle, spent party poppers and, inexplicably, a roll of tin foil (something to do with fashioning crowns in the late afternoon).

Plonks herself down in an armchair before declaring: "Reader she married him".

This reporter is of course referring to the royal wedding between Meghan Markle and Prince Harry on Saturday. And wasn't it just wonderful? There is no one more surprised than this reporter.

She professes she doesn't even like weddings. Marriage yes. In her humble opinion we should all be doing that, and making it last a lifetime.

But weddings - what a rigmarole. This reporter has never been able to get her head around the need for such a grand scale, public performance of something so special and intimate. She proclaims she is all for a grand occasion, a chance to dress up in a pretty frock and imbibe the wine. However a wedding should be something small scale - as teeny tiny as …

Yanny, Laurel, Meditate (repeat) and the Gucci harem trousers

This was the week we quite frankly excelled ourselves as a human race by spending our valuable life minutes deciding, and then discussing at length, whether an audio clip was saying the word "Yanny" or "Laurel".

Devised to have a divisive effect, with no sight of future cohesion, this electronic voice has been dumped onto the internet to distract decent folk from more beneficial uprising, this reporter surmises.

There were a sprinkling of people with more pressing matters on their minds. Some  - arguably - more worthy than others. Let's dive in and take a look at what they were...

Against the clownish cacophony of pompous Brexit voices, one million students have piped up with the words, "listen to me". The students, from an array of colleges and universities across the country, have joined forces to demand a "people's vote" before the final Brexit deal is cemented.

They have written to MPs with the argument that many of them were too you…

The Hugh Grant Interview, appetite suppressing lollipops and the Jacquemus straw hat

"No more rom-coms for me" declares Hugh Grant. This reporter caught up with, arguably, the king of rom-com Mr Grant recently to find out more. Dim the lights, crank up the music player. Three, two, one...

"Fame, I'm gonna live forever..."

Good evening and welcome to Fame, the celebrity spotlight televisual programme, presented by none other than This Reporter. As you can see (!) we have moved to a brand new studio following last week's furore with Oasis legend Noel Gallagher.

This reporter recognises this new studio does not hold quite so much of the glamour, the pizazz, the je ne sais quoi of the former studio. Indeed it looks a little like someones disused box room, but the move was deemed necessary due to the threat of 'cataclysmic retribution'.

On with the show, and tonight's guest is a much-loved British actor, as famed for his floppy hair and endearing upper class hesitance, as his back catalogue of romantic comedic excellence. Starring in…

Mr and Mrs 'Fashion', peace prize for Trump and the couples t-shirts

Right. No dilly-dallying around the bush today. Let's go straight in with a good old shouty, journalistic intro. (And yes, this reporter does realise she has defeated her own object with the words above.)

Not content with reaching the dizzying heights of footballing super stardom, David Beckham has decided to tackle the fashion world.

The top footballer, formerly known as 'Golden Balls', has been appointed ambassador of British Fashion by the British Fashion Council. It is hoped in this figurehead role, Beckham will be able to use his fame to not only attract a new generation of talent into the industry, but globally use the Beckham name to encourage international investors to back talented young designers.

Most excitedly, for the tabloid newspapers at least, Mr Beckham's appointment, alongside his wife Victoria's 'renowned' status as a fashion designer, means they can now claim the title of the 'First British Couple of Fashion'.  (The thrones at th…

Hawaiian shirts, "gammons" and the crack at the Home Office

Aloha. You find this reporter lying back on a sun lounger, pina colada in hand, to announce the latest fashion trend for men, the Hawaiian shirt.

Formally the mainstay of the 'zany dad' and Tom Selleck as Magnum PI, the Hawaiian shirt looks ready to bedeck the most trendy of backs - and fronts - across the fashion hemisphere this summer, with Prada leading the charge. The most desirable of fashion houses has launched an exclusive collection of Hawaiian shirts for Mr Porter, the male arm of Net-a-Porter.

And the feeling on the street is, Britain's most fashionable men are ready to embrace something a little more vivacious and adventurous this season. The 'fun' trend is already rolling out to the high street with All Saints stocking their own versions. Back at the high end, Stella McCartney and Burberry have designed their own bold printed shirts with 'jolly motifs'.

Just don't get too complacent over this new fashion staple and pair it with loose fitting…

Tories on Instagram, childhood-inspired workouts and the Rag and Bone sun visor

A little to the left, no a little to the right. Chin up, shoulders down. Look a little wistfully off to one side. Wistful I said. Wistful. Not psycho. Now watch for the birdie. And "click".

All done and this reporter can categorically say that photo makes you look human, or thereabouts. The highest of accolades for any Tory MP posing for Instagram.

The news story goes that leaked social media training information has 'accidently' found itself on reporter's desks everywhere, revealing that Conservative MPs have been told they must look more human in their Instagram photos - or like" real people" to use the exact turn of phrase. But this reporter thinks, we can all agree, it amounts to pretty much the same thing.

Before we progress any further, this may be the appropriate time to raise the question of how we actually feel about this. Of course we gave up long ago on any members of the government being empathetic, self-sacrificing, compassionate people but…

Review of the week - Divorce at the click of a button and the invisible jeans trend

"Breaking up is hard to do," once sang Neil Sedaka, but not so much now thanks to a ground-breakingly easy, online way to get a divorce.
Just "log in and break up" declares the Independent newspaper in its article hailing the Ministry of Justice's new divorce website. The government department's £1billion modernisation programme enables couples splitting up across England and Wales to complete their applications online without going to court.
Excellent news for spouse-haters and serial commitment-phobes alike who will be able to file a quick divorce in between uploading Instagram pics and clicking 'likes' on Facebook. Odds on the next online trend following the ice bucket challenge (and other such larks) will be how many marriages and divorces you can notch up in 2019. On your marks, get set, go...

French first lady, Brigette Macron has dropped in her own few Francs worth on why she feels sorry for Melania Trump. After accompanying her husband, Fren…

The Noel Gallagher interview, self-cleaning knickers and the Rixo London polka dot dress

"Fame I'm gonna live forever..."

Good evening and welcome back to Fame, the celebrity spotlight televisual programme presented by none other than yours truly, This Reporter.

Tonight's guest was a member of one of the best-selling British bands of all time, Oasis. As infamous for his spats with his fellow band member and brother Liam, as he was for his guitar playing and song-writing skills, he was central to the 90's Britpop scene.

Since those heady parka-wearing, lager-swilling days he has branched out to musical pastures new and will be touring festivals with his band High Flying Birds this summer.

Here to talk more about his blase approach to fame, his divisive views on rock bands today and shedding some light, perhaps, once and for all on who is the 'best' Gallagher brother, ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Noel Gallagher...

Cue intro music - "You gotta roll with it, you gotta take your time..."

This Reporter: Hello N…

This week's must-have purchase - the wedding jumpsuit

This reporter declares we have reached peak wedding obsession.

With the realisation that in a few weeks time we will no longer be able to speculate over the finite details of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry's wedding, because it will be done and dusted, it appears the media is already trying to move our focus onto another potential wedding extravaganza - the nuptials of three-year-old Princess Charlotte.

The Evening Standard newspaper ran an article alluding to just that. With no sense of irony, it discussed the fact that whilst Charlotte is undeniably a Princess and fourth in line to the throne, when she marries (note the "when", not if) and has children, they will be unlikely to have titles.

The newspaper goes on to explain that there are only two ways to become a British princess. You either need to be born the daughter of a prince or you have to marry one.

But this reporter is still stuck several sentences back, struggling to come to terms with the assumption Princess…

Life on Mars, "gangster" Peppa Pig and the Loewe dinosaur trainers

So it turns out Button Moon was a lie.

This reporter is of course referring to the 1980's children's TV show, which followed Mr Spoon and his family of fellow kitchen utensils, as they day-tripped off to Button Moon in a junk model space rocket.

There the family would enjoy all manner of adventures before returning back to earth in time for tea. Mr Spoon made space travel look a sinch. It transpires space travel is not a sinch.

NASA, alongside the European Space Agency, is planning to bring Martian rocks back to earth to see whether the planet is inhabited by aliens. However, this daring mission is not a simple matter of astronauts rocketing up to Mars, picking up a few rocks in their space buckets, and returning back to earth that same afternoon.

As it turns out, the whole venture is going to be something of a palaver on the basis we are not, as yet, able to land a rocket on another planet and then take back off again. This means bringing the rocks home will take at least thr…

Review of the Week - from 42nd Street to Greased Lightnin'

Get your jazz hands ready because we're heading to the musicals.

"We're in the money, we're in the money, we've got a lot of what it takes to get along..."

Boss of Sainsbury's Mike Coupe has apologised after being caught on camera singing "We're in the money" as he prepared to discuss the supermarket chain's planned merger with Asda.
Mr Coupe made the highly entertaining blunder whilst waiting between television interviews and not realising his microphone was still switched on.
The footage shows Mr Coupe singing the first line or two quietly to himself but as the song progresses he begins to sing more loudly, even bobbing his head from side to side.
Mr Coupe apologised saying it was an unguarded moment in which he was trying to compose himself for a TV interview.
He adds: "It was an unfortunate choice of song, from the musical 42nd Street which I saw last year (excellent little detail there) and I apologise if I have offended anyone…

Health guru Michael Gove and the Vetements maxi goat skirt

If ever there was a jack of all trades and master of none, it would be Michael Josiah Wilberforce Gove MP. Shedding plenty of light on the infamous time he declared we should never trust an 'expert', there is not a single area of political life the Govester is not prepared to dirty his hands in.

Running amok through our education system, tearing irreparable furrows through the environment, Gove even threw his hat into the ring for the Home Office, following Amber Rudd's resignation, before being knocked back in favour of Sajid Javid, the purveyor of the world's most awkward superhero pose.

Gollum-esque in his coveting of Theresa May's empirical crown, Gove, as Environmental Sec, is trying to make the best of it - or the worst of it, depending on your perspective - by dishing out healthy eating advice.

Meat is crucial to a balanced diet Gove declares, as he announces an exciting new project which will see farmers directly responsible for the health of the nation pos…

This week's must-have purchase - the circle bag

The Guardian newspaper has run today (Wednesday) with a photo of an elderly lady waving a carrier bag emblazoned with a "Bollocks to Brexit" sticker. An altogether excellent piece of protest work against the Government's continued insistence we go ahead with exiting the European Union next year, despite it being glaringly obvious to all but the slightly loony that it is a terrible idea.

However, may this reporter suggest a slightly more sartorially satisfying way to not only protest against Brexiting from Europe but also to quell any last, lingering urges for drastic change. To this end this reporter declares that this week's must-have purchase is - the circle bag.

The style mags have been feverishly touting the wares of a host of designers determined to see us all ditch our regular rectangular bags and exchange them for something slightly more exotic in shape.

Louis Vuitton is offering us diamond shaped bags, there are cubes at Gabriela Hearst and hearts from Dolce …

Trailblazing mum-to-be Ruth Davidson, dad Sir Elton John and Calvin Klein's pink rubber gloves

Out of the fatburg which is Britain's current political system emerges a bright and shining beacon in the form of Ruth Davidson MP's announcement she is expecting a baby with her partner Jen Wilson.

The Scottish Conservative leader has announced they will be welcoming their first child into the world in late autumn. Speaking to the press, Miss Davidson, who is tipped to be a future Prime Minister, said she was "overjoyed" at the prospect of starting a family, adding the news did not change her plans in politics.

"I'm simply doing what thousands of working women do every year: having a child, taking some time off, and then returning to work after", she explained.

On the contrary, this reporter believes Miss Davidson is being far too modest. What she is doing amounts to a grand toppling of the current pervasive attitudes of British politics, which appear to have all but reverted back to a pre-second world war standard of lack of tolerance or acceptance of…