Skip to main content

Hawaiian shirts, "gammons" and the crack at the Home Office

Aloha. You find this reporter lying back on a sun lounger, pina colada in hand, to announce the latest fashion trend for men, the Hawaiian shirt.

Formally the mainstay of the 'zany dad' and Tom Selleck as Magnum PI, the Hawaiian shirt looks ready to bedeck the most trendy of backs - and fronts - across the fashion hemisphere this summer, with Prada leading the charge. The most desirable of fashion houses has launched an exclusive collection of Hawaiian shirts for Mr Porter, the male arm of Net-a-Porter.

And the feeling on the street is, Britain's most fashionable men are ready to embrace something a little more vivacious and adventurous this season. The 'fun' trend is already rolling out to the high street with All Saints stocking their own versions. Back at the high end, Stella McCartney and Burberry have designed their own bold printed shirts with 'jolly motifs'.

Just don't get too complacent over this new fashion staple and pair it with loose fitting beach-ready shorts. The style pack will be wearing theirs with wide-cut navy 'slacks' or turned up jeans and chunky sandals.

The crucial question is, will the "gammons" be adopting the Hawaiian shirt trend? Yes, the gammons. A term like "snowflake" and "woke", which has sneaked into our lexicon over the last few months like a stealth bomber, only to explode over the internet this week.

To the oblivious, and boy does this reporter envy you, "gammon" does not refer to the meat commonly served with pineapple rings at the local Harvester restaurant. No "gammon" is the word now used to lump-term angry, red-faced, Brexit-voting, right-leaning, white men over 50.

Many are to be found running our country. Others are to be found arguing the toss on Question Time, usually with frequent references to "the will of the people".

Despite the fact the penny of recognition has dropped with pretty much everyone - this reporter is assuming - we are been brutally told off by the internet for using "gammon" because - and here's a humdinger - it's racist.

Racist on the basis it refers to a skin colour and according to one mecca of all things reasonable on Twitter, is akin to calling a black person a raisin.

Comedian Kathy Burke came up with the best solution on social media (and I have doctored the end part heavily for politeness) "if people don't like the term gammon then we'll just go back to calling them c***s".

Meanwhile yet another Brexit super group has launched to save us from our own self-inflicted destruction in the form of David Miliband, Nicky Morgan and Nick Clegg. In the manner of X Factor back in the day when Simon Cowell intervened and put the likes of solo rejects Harry Styles and Zayn Malik into a band called One Direction (because he didn't think they were strong enough to go it alone) Miliband, Morgan and Clegg - who have all individually suffered their own forms of rejection - are hoping together they will be the super force that saves us from the government's own brand of Brexit.

Meeting at a Tilda rice factory of all places, which we are assured has hidden meaning as a British company facing 'devastation' when we exit the European Union, the political trio stated the British people are being "held to ransom" by vocal Brexiteers, as well as being treated as the guinea pigs of a trade policy which no one can be sure will pan out well for either businesses or our country. On a practical level they will be aiming to push through all the amendments to the EU withdrawal bill when it returns to parliament.

Well it certainly worked well for One Direction for a time, until it emerged Harry Styles was fit to go it alone "after all". David Miliband however, has denied he will be returning to politics.

Finally crystal meth has been found down the back of a toilet cistern at the Home Office. Fresh from their scandal over Windrush, it appeared the government department were set to be rocked to the core yet again by this class A revelation - but not so.

Ironically posing with a sniffer dog after his appointment to Home Secretary last month, Sajid Javid pledged he would be tough on drugs but the message appeared to be lost on his own department. It is the third time drugs have been found at the department responsible for overseeing the UK's drug policies, in the last six months.

Scotland Yard was called and announced to the press no suspects had been identified at this time. This reporter suggests looking for the person who has just gone out and purchased this Prada shirt.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Stranded in Brexit Britain - A Taco Sauce Survival Tale

WITH three weeks to go and about as much readiness as you can fit into a Borrower's knapsack, the pressing question remains, who is going to stop Brexit? The obvious candidate, not to go all Rees-Mogg on you, is the Queen. Who in theory, if not in practise, has the power and from previous allusions, thinks Brexit a load of piffle.
Failing the Queen, who let's face it has her hands full as a member of the sandwich generation - wrangling the car keys out of Prince Philip's mitts on the one hand and helping Meghan practise for her hypno-birth, on the other. If the Queen is not available there are "dupes" for her.
Victoria Beckham is to deliver a Queen's Speech on "Christmas Day" in March to launch her YouTube channel, on basis these speeches are "quite popular" and as we are constantly reminded by those around her, Mrs Beckham is witty and self-deprecating. Highlights will include her rallying cry to get people to subscribe to her channel: &q…

Corbyn's Phoney People's Vote, Pot Shots and Gigantic Bows

FROM Corbyn's phoney call for a People's Vote and the cliffhanger pot shot video tape, to the Roksanda blouse with the enormous bows, welcome to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up.

Cadbury can only be a sugar rush away from filing a trademark infringement against the British government (to wit - the "Crunchie") as the political world of farcical doom entered yet another of its relentless crunch weeks. Providing, of course, the Crunchie bar was packed from first bite instead of with honeycomb, space dust, and instead of with space dust, TNT and instead of with TNT, nuclear active garbage just 29 days away from detonate, because that's about where we are with Brexit.
Prime Minister Theresa May is under the mistaken impression that the best way to avoid cataclysmic disaster is to dodge it. Colloquially known as "the swerve". As that is exactly what she has done over the meaningful vote - part numero deux - on her deal, which was due to take…

Bercow Bans Brexit Vote 3, Tram Shooting and the Tortoise Illusion Cake

FROM John Bercow banning a third Brexit vote and another suspected terrorist attack - this time on a tram in Utrecht - to the ultimate in tortoise illusion cakes (spoiler alert: it wasn't a cake) welcome to This Reporter's daily news round-up.

Some have called it a massive spanner in the works, others a "constitutional crisis", whilst those more scholarly types have plumped for "Erskine Mayhem". Either way we are all talking about Common's Speaker John Bercow making the "shock" announcement yesterday (Monday) he was banning Prime Minister Theresa May from putting her Brexit deal before Parliament for meaningful vote a third time, unless it underwent substantial changes.
What Mr Bercow appears to have done is got the PM on an historical technicality. Quoting from the guide to parliamentary procedure, Erskine May (no relation to our leader) he said the Commons could not be "repeatedly asked to pronounce" on the same question.
Inevitabl…

Brexit Crisis, Boris "Spaffed" Johnson and Prince Charles' Beach Bod

FROM MPs' dawning revelation that yes, Brexit is in crisis and Boris Johnson's leadership bid "spaffed up a wall", to Prince Charles' "impressive" beach bod, welcome to This Reporter's daily news round-up.

"It's like the last days of Rome". A direct quote there, which shows at long last MPs have cottoned on to what the rest of the country/Europe/the world could have told them months and months (and months) ago -  Brexit is at crisis point.
Prime Minister Theresa May herself admitted that things were not going quite according to plan yesterday (Tuesday) and, to be frank, exiting the European Union on 29th March (next week) probably wasn't going to happen.
But instead of taking some form of useful action to try and sort this crisis out, she has decided to make a move which will only takes things from shockingly bad to unfathomably worse. This Reporter refers to Mrs May writing to EU Chief Michael Barnier to request only a short exten…

Brexit: Where's Barbara Cartland's magic acorn when you need it?

THERE are no words - quite the technical hitch when it comes to writing - to do justice to the single greatest political calamity of our generation. This Reporter considered instead using expressionist art or shadow puppetry. She would make a concerted effort at it for five minutes before setting fire to the whole damn lot - as symbolism.
As alternative, let's start with the bare-boned facts of the matter. Prime Minister Theresa May lost her second meaningful vote on her Brexit deal in Parliament on Tuesday night by a stonking 391 votes to 242. Not the complete annihilation of meaningless vote part numero one, but still an almost unprecedented disaster.
David Cameron, tracked down at his lair, said: "I don't understand why MPs who have always wanted Brexit keep voting against it". Well David, sometimes people do the most unfathomable of things don't they. But back to the facts.
Mrs May's promise of votes on No Deal and Article 50 extension are coming up next.…