Skip to main content

Hawaiian shirts, "gammons" and the crack at the Home Office

Aloha. You find this reporter lying back on a sun lounger, pina colada in hand, to announce the latest fashion trend for men, the Hawaiian shirt.

Formally the mainstay of the 'zany dad' and Tom Selleck as Magnum PI, the Hawaiian shirt looks ready to bedeck the most trendy of backs - and fronts - across the fashion hemisphere this summer, with Prada leading the charge. The most desirable of fashion houses has launched an exclusive collection of Hawaiian shirts for Mr Porter, the male arm of Net-a-Porter.

And the feeling on the street is, Britain's most fashionable men are ready to embrace something a little more vivacious and adventurous this season. The 'fun' trend is already rolling out to the high street with All Saints stocking their own versions. Back at the high end, Stella McCartney and Burberry have designed their own bold printed shirts with 'jolly motifs'.

Just don't get too complacent over this new fashion staple and pair it with loose fitting beach-ready shorts. The style pack will be wearing theirs with wide-cut navy 'slacks' or turned up jeans and chunky sandals.

The crucial question is, will the "gammons" be adopting the Hawaiian shirt trend? Yes, the gammons. A term like "snowflake" and "woke", which has sneaked into our lexicon over the last few months like a stealth bomber, only to explode over the internet this week.

To the oblivious, and boy does this reporter envy you, "gammon" does not refer to the meat commonly served with pineapple rings at the local Harvester restaurant. No "gammon" is the word now used to lump-term angry, red-faced, Brexit-voting, right-leaning, white men over 50.

Many are to be found running our country. Others are to be found arguing the toss on Question Time, usually with frequent references to "the will of the people".

Despite the fact the penny of recognition has dropped with pretty much everyone - this reporter is assuming - we are been brutally told off by the internet for using "gammon" because - and here's a humdinger - it's racist.

Racist on the basis it refers to a skin colour and according to one mecca of all things reasonable on Twitter, is akin to calling a black person a raisin.

Comedian Kathy Burke came up with the best solution on social media (and I have doctored the end part heavily for politeness) "if people don't like the term gammon then we'll just go back to calling them c***s".

Meanwhile yet another Brexit super group has launched to save us from our own self-inflicted destruction in the form of David Miliband, Nicky Morgan and Nick Clegg. In the manner of X Factor back in the day when Simon Cowell intervened and put the likes of solo rejects Harry Styles and Zayn Malik into a band called One Direction (because he didn't think they were strong enough to go it alone) Miliband, Morgan and Clegg - who have all individually suffered their own forms of rejection - are hoping together they will be the super force that saves us from the government's own brand of Brexit.

Meeting at a Tilda rice factory of all places, which we are assured has hidden meaning as a British company facing 'devastation' when we exit the European Union, the political trio stated the British people are being "held to ransom" by vocal Brexiteers, as well as being treated as the guinea pigs of a trade policy which no one can be sure will pan out well for either businesses or our country. On a practical level they will be aiming to push through all the amendments to the EU withdrawal bill when it returns to parliament.

Well it certainly worked well for One Direction for a time, until it emerged Harry Styles was fit to go it alone "after all". David Miliband however, has denied he will be returning to politics.

Finally crystal meth has been found down the back of a toilet cistern at the Home Office. Fresh from their scandal over Windrush, it appeared the government department were set to be rocked to the core yet again by this class A revelation - but not so.

Ironically posing with a sniffer dog after his appointment to Home Secretary last month, Sajid Javid pledged he would be tough on drugs but the message appeared to be lost on his own department. It is the third time drugs have been found at the department responsible for overseeing the UK's drug policies, in the last six months.

Scotland Yard was called and announced to the press no suspects had been identified at this time. This reporter suggests looking for the person who has just gone out and purchased this Prada shirt.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

Boris Johnson's baby joy and "Just call me Hugo"

FROM the "joyous" news the Prime Minister and his girlfriend Carrie Symonds are expecting a baby this summer, to the comedian-turned-consumer-watchdog who changed his name to Hugo Boss by deed poll, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Monday 2nd March 2020. Boris Johnson and his girlfriend Carrie Symonds have announced they are expecting a baby and that they have got engaged. In a blow to singleton's everywhere, this will be the PM's third marriage and - excuse This Reporter one moment while she fetches her calculator - fifth confirmed child. Due in the summer, the new baby will join the likes of Lara Lettuce and Theodore Apollo as part of the Johnson lineage, as well as a few others as yet unknown or unclaimed (allegedly). It will be the first child of 31-year-old Miss Symonds, an environmental campaigner and former Conservative party official, who made history by becoming the first unmarried prime ministerial partner to live in 10 Downing

Russell Brand's "World View" and the Continuous Brexit Loop and the Continuous Brexit Loop...

COMEDIAN Russell Brand's interview with the Sunday Times has got the country in a tailspin. The gist concerns Mr Brand's "world view" - as he puts it - of being a "sensitive, awake and aware man", clashing, quite considerably, with his responsibilities as a father. To the point, he shamelessly conceded, he'd barely looked after his own children alone in any given 24 hour period. To quote: "I'm very, very focused on the mythical connotations of Mabel's beauty and grace. Not so good on the nappies and making sure they eat food. When I looked after Mabel on her own, she dropped two social classes." Mr Brand appears to seek praise for his decision to opt out of parenthood's contractual obligations as though he is akin to a bad driver taking himself off the road (#PrincePhilip). But for those considerate people, there is the train.  For Mr Brand, there's ending up looking a berk. Sixty-four days to go until we leave the European U