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Health guru Michael Gove and the Vetements maxi goat skirt

If ever there was a jack of all trades and master of none, it would be Michael Josiah Wilberforce Gove MP. Shedding plenty of light on the infamous time he declared we should never trust an 'expert', there is not a single area of political life the Govester is not prepared to dirty his hands in.

Running amok through our education system, tearing irreparable furrows through the environment, Gove even threw his hat into the ring for the Home Office, following Amber Rudd's resignation, before being knocked back in favour of Sajid Javid, the purveyor of the world's most awkward superhero pose.

Gollum-esque in his coveting of Theresa May's empirical crown, Gove, as Environmental Sec, is trying to make the best of it - or the worst of it, depending on your perspective - by dishing out healthy eating advice.

Meat is crucial to a balanced diet Gove declares, as he announces an exciting new project which will see farmers directly responsible for the health of the nation post-Brexit.

Gove tells us the reason we are all dying of cancer and diabetes is because of our poor diets. That doyen on all things health continues that we should be eating fresh fruit and veg, beans, pulses and cereals, fresh dairy produce and protein sources such as fresh fish, offal and properly sourced meat.

This is "critical" to the nation's health and the farmers will provide us with it, says Govey. (Now would be the time to question Gove on what he thinks the farmers have been doing all these years, but he's in full flow).

"It's not my job to micro-manage what goes into a shopping basket but while I respect the rights of people who might be vegan or vegetarian to make that choice (he doesn't) nevertheless I don't think anyone should be shy or abashed in drawing attention to the fact that livestock farming contributes to the mixed farming methods that provide a specific set of farming benefits and that mixed farming and meat is part of a balanced diet."

This reporter didn't quite follow that last bit either but what Gove is basically saying is we should all be eating meat, and lots of it, as he frantically scrabbles around to reassure farmers that they won't be sent rolling down a hill in a cattle truck sans brakes post Brexit, amid fears of crushing competition from international prices.

Never mind the fact all recent research suggests humans would actually be far better off with a more plant-rich diet and the recognition that mass livestock farming could actually be damaging our environment - because what do experts know anyway.

This reporter surmises that Germany's worm burgers are strictly off limits then. Supermarkets in the German city of Aachen have been offering customers insect burgers made from meal worms. The meal worms - known for their high protein value - are being served in burger form and packed into rolls accompanied by lettuce, onions and tomatoes.

The burgers have already proved a culinary hit in the Netherlands and Belgium and their creators, the Bugfoundation, say the key is to create an aesthetic product that looks good and doesn't show any insects. According to customers they taste and smell yummy.

This reporter believes this would be the best time to bring in the goats. Here they are on this maxi wrap skirt by Vetements. They'll eat anything, maybe even Michael Gove.

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