Skip to main content

Pig stalkers, BoJo's Jet and the Zara contrast print dress

Socks off.

Do you remember the childhood rhyme which runs: "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home..."? You do. Well this story is the remixed version.

A man in America called the police when a 'persistent pig' followed him home from a train station, it is reported.

He called the North Ridgeville Police Station in Ohio at 5.26am on Saturday claiming the pig was following him and, understandably, the officers thought he must be inebriated (the man that is, not the pig).

However, on arriving at the 'scene' they found a completely sober man who was indeed being followed by a piggy stalker. One of the officers managed to 'coerce' the pig into his police car (no jokes please) and brought the pig back to the station where he was locked in one of the dog kennels. The pig has since been reunited with his owner.

Time for some news headlines and today it has been announced Sweden has distributed a 'be prepared for war' leaflet to all 4.8million of its homes in a move which appears to pre-empt World War Three.
The defence pamphlet entitled Om krisen eller kriget kommer (If crisis or war comes) sets out how the population can prepare for war and the 'total defence' of the country.
It is the first time such a leaflet has been distributed in Sweden in half a century. And on the basis Sweden seems to do everything more efficiently, nay better, than us, this reporter believes we should be worried.

Oxford University is still failing to attract students from diverse backgrounds according to figures collated over a three-year period. They reveal that more than one in four of its colleges failed to admit a single black student each year between 2015 and 2017.
Labour MP David Lammy, quite rightly, pointed out an underprivileged kid from a state school in Sunderland who gets straight As is more talented than their contemporary with the same grades at Eton or Harrow.

Talking of discrimination, another study, into screenwriters, has revealed women write just 28 per cent of TV episodes and make up only 16 per cent of film screenwriters.
The report was commissioned by the Writers' Guild of Great Britain and gathered data for more than ten years, revealing a continuing bias and systemic gender inequality in the two industries. The thinking is, we need more female writers to ensure more female characters and female-led plot lines.

Meanwhile Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson has declared the solution to Brexit is to get him his own private jet.
He complained the official Voyager aircraft on which the prime minister travels is rarely available and "too grey". He currently has to travel on commercial airlines.
Mr Johnson believes having his own "colourful" plane to jet around the world in would significantly bolster Britain's post-Brexit trade prospects. But it is quite evident he just wants a 'BoJo Jet'.

Who knew British actress Elizabeth Hurley was quite so funny. A real feat for someone who famously subsists on seven raisins a day.

Amid the announcement that actor Hugh Grant is to get married, for the first time, to his girlfriend, Anna Aberstein, there arose some confusion over how many children the 57-year-old actually has.

It was Ms Hurley, his ex-girlfriend and long-time friend, who came to the rescue - or put her foot in it, depending - by saying: "He had another one last week. He has five. He was over 50 when he spawned them all."

She added: "He's an enchanting dad. Really, really sweet. Having these kids has transformed him from a very miserable person into a fairly miserable person. It's improved him. He's gone up the scale."

On to fashion and do you remember that safety pin-fest of a dress Liz Hurley wore back in the 90s when she and Hugh were courting? Yes. Don't buy that one. Buy this contrast-printed (read garishly clashing) dress from Zara instead. This reporter assures you it is not a joke.

Ring, ring. "911 what's your emergency?" "It's that blasted pig again."
And this little piggy went wee, wee, wee, and followed him, all the way home.



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

BAFTAs, Alabama, "Four Ovens" and Jeremy Kyle

FROM "Killing Eve" cleaning up at the BAFTAs and the rise of Nigel Farage's half-baked Brexit Party, to the trash found at the depths of the ocean which, according to some reports has Jeremy Kyle living under it, to "Four Ovens" MP James Brokenshire, if this week was a grossly out-dated, misogynistic trope, it would be a domestic goddess. All complaints please back date to 1957, where you'll find the Senate of Alabama mulling over their next Gilead-inspired motion. Welcome to This Reporter's Weekly News Journal.

Monday 13th May andget your glad rags on - or not (we'll get to that in a moment) - because our first stop is the BAFTAs where "Killing Eve" cleaned up on the night like any good assassin would, scooping awards for best drama series, best actress and best supporting actress. This was despite chat over whether the programme should have been included in the awards night at all. Some bother about it being screened over in America first…

Spy Whales, Woodcocks and Gavin Williamson's Sacking

TAKE your seats aboard the Corrie (roller) Coaster which, as it dips and troughs throughout the week, will deliver spectacular views of spy whales, woodcocks and Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson's sacking but only rare glimpses of our Prime Minister Theresa May, who appears to be all but missing in action. Free vegetarian Percy Pigs to those who spot her. Welcome to This Reporter's Weekly News Journal.

Monday 29th April and we commence with the news Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt is off on a grand tour of Africa. In joint hopes of boosting his leadership credentials, as well as trade links post-Brexit. Mr Hunt will be accompanied by his Chinese wife Lucia Guo for the five-day, five-nation trip, who he has described at times as "a great diplomatic weapon for the UK", but at other times as Japanese (check out Mr Hunt's gaffe file, circa July 2018).
Labour has spittooned former Tory cabinet minister Damian Green's plans for a shake-up of social care funding as a…

This Reporter's Weekly News Journal - Nudity, Tied Votes and Floods

Monday 1st April 2019 and news-based April Fools gags are indistinguishable from regular reportage. The British are knackered having lost an hours sleep due to the clocks springing forward. None are so "knackered" however as chief government whip Julian Smith who in interview with the BBC said the current Cabinet had shown the "worst example of ill-discipline in the history of British politics" at a time when the person responsible for political discipline, is him. "I'm knackered," he reiterated. "Dealing with colleagues 24/7, sitting around the Cabinet table trying to destabilise the Prime Minister."
Elsewhere, Downing Street, the aforementioned PM Theresa May wakes up from a restless night, a single platitude in her head: "oh bother", as she remembers she still hasn't delivered Brexit. Latest from the DUP runs, should Mrs May bring her deal back a thousand times (likely), they will continue to vote against it every time.
Mean…

Line of Duty, Baby Sussex and Jess Phillip's Rape Threats

SACKED defence secretary Gavin Williamson has mind-powered himself into an episode of "Line of Duty" this week, convinced as he is there is a No.10 smear campaign against him. But there is much more than just this for us to investigate. From MP Jess Phillip's rape threats finally getting police attention and the suspiciously joyful arrival of Baby Sussex, to the flock of sheep enrolling at school, welcome to This Reporter's Weekly News Journal.

Monday 6th May and with the bank holiday allowing no rest for the wicked, the Tories and Labour have mulled over their great losses in the local elections and concluded this means the public just want to see Brexit done. They report they have upped their efforts to find that mecca state of marvellous accord.
Superstar Madonna has proved herself not immune to the tribulations of parenthood as, in an interview to mark the release of  her 183rd studio album, she bemoaned giving her children mobile phones too young. "It ended …

Brexit: Where's Barbara Cartland's magic acorn when you need it?

THERE are no words - quite the technical hitch when it comes to writing - to do justice to the single greatest political calamity of our generation. This Reporter considered instead using expressionist art or shadow puppetry. She would make a concerted effort at it for five minutes before setting fire to the whole damn lot - as symbolism.
As alternative, let's start with the bare-boned facts of the matter. Prime Minister Theresa May lost her second meaningful vote on her Brexit deal in Parliament on Tuesday night by a stonking 391 votes to 242. Not the complete annihilation of meaningless vote part numero one, but still an almost unprecedented disaster.
David Cameron, tracked down at his lair, said: "I don't understand why MPs who have always wanted Brexit keep voting against it". Well David, sometimes people do the most unfathomable of things don't they. But back to the facts.
Mrs May's promise of votes on No Deal and Article 50 extension are coming up next.…