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The female-only island, Trump's Irn-Bru and the embellished loafer

This reporter brings you tidings of bonne nouvelle. We're going on holiday. Pack your suitcase, get your neighbours to water the goldfish and walk the plants, and let's vacance.

Where are we headed, this reporter hears you ask? Well, she shall tell you, my most eager reader, we are going to a female-only island.

Isn't that prejudiced against all men folk, you respond. Well quite, says this reporter, but that is nothing compared to what is to come. But stop right there - this reporter will ruin her punchline.

Let's progress Bristol fashion to the departure lounge, but first, we must have a nosey around duty free. And what do we spy here but today's fashion fix - the embellished loafer. What a co-incidence. It's almost like this isn't real life at all but something someone's scribbled down just to 'entertain'.

The embellished loafer is 'the' spring shoe, encapsulating the practical with just the right amount of magic. (Thanks Vogue). From rhinestones to punky hardware, it is all about jazzing these sensible shoes up for the season.

Patent versions are available at Christopher Kane. Not getting too carried away with it are Dorateymur's sleek white loafers with tasteful buckle. Getting carried away with it are the slip on studded loafers from Sergio Rossi.

And then there is this reporter's favourite, Roger Vivier's duck egg blue satin version - like a cloudless spring blue sky. But enough of that. Let's catch that flight. I'll tell you more about the female-only island on the way.

Off the coast of the Baltic Sea in the Raseborg region of Finland, there is a women-only island that serves as the headquarters for the SuperShes - a female enclave founded by Forbes listed businesswoman Kristina Roth.

Ms Roth bought the 8.47 acre island entirely out of her own pocket in September 2017 to host retreats, for members of her 6,000 strong female tribe, aimed at strengthening the body, mind and soul. Activities include kayaking, breathing exercises, nutritional food and massages.

Many of you will now be thinking, where do I sign up? We come to the catch. Ms Roth set up SuperShes as a blog platform to build content for, and spotlight, 'interesting' women. It swiftly grew into a networking community and now an island retreat.

SuperShe members must be financially and emotionally independent women "striving to be the best version of themselves", as a mere starting point. Their entry to the community is by dazzling Ms Roth with their 'story', which must resonate with the SuperShe DNA.

Those who get onto the island are hand-picked and vetted by Ms Roth herself. The chosen ones must then fork out over £5,000 for the holiday. This reporter states that far from the initial promise of an idyllic retreat for all the sisterhood, this smacks of elitism to the highest degree.

Drink? A glass of Irn-Bru perhaps? Did you know this very drink has been banned from one of President Donald Trump's luxury golf resorts in Scotland. Considered something of a national drink, guests at Turnberry have nevertheless been banned from drinking it over fears its luminous orange colouring might stain the carpet.

The ban came to light after guests at the five-star hotel on the Ayrshire coast requested Irn-Bru and were refused because of concerns about potential spillage. Apparently, so the hotel claims, it would cost £500,000 to replace the ballroom carpet.

This reporter must say, she was quite sure Trump was a fan of the colour orange, but she can't quite think why.

So in summary, what have we learnt? Firstly, that some embellishments, such as on shoes, are good, whilst others - embellishments of the truth, (Irn Bru stains on carpets) - are really very very bad. Secondly, the holiday's off.

But you know, this reporter can sniff the scent of revolution in the air (or it may be the Paco Rabanne you squirted on yourself at duty free) and proposes we storm that island and claim back what's rightfully ours. Who's with me?

In the words of Mel Gibson in Braveheart: "They may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom." Charge!

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