Skip to main content

The Noel Gallagher interview, self-cleaning knickers and the Rixo London polka dot dress

"Fame I'm gonna live forever..."

Good evening and welcome back to Fame, the celebrity spotlight televisual programme presented by none other than yours truly, This Reporter.

Tonight's guest was a member of one of the best-selling British bands of all time, Oasis. As infamous for his spats with his fellow band member and brother Liam, as he was for his guitar playing and song-writing skills, he was central to the 90's Britpop scene.

Since those heady parka-wearing, lager-swilling days he has branched out to musical pastures new and will be touring festivals with his band High Flying Birds this summer.

Here to talk more about his blase approach to fame, his divisive views on rock bands today and shedding some light, perhaps, once and for all on who is the 'best' Gallagher brother, ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Noel Gallagher...

Cue intro music - "You gotta roll with it, you gotta take your time..."

This Reporter: Hello Noel and thank-you for taking time to chat with us.

Noel Gallagher: S'alright love.

This Reporter: (flinches and mutters something about it being a post-Weinstein era) So I want to take you back to those formative days living on a Manchester council estate with your brother Liam. What was it that made you want to start a band, was it a desire to be famous?

Noel Gallagher: When I started, I didn't want to be famous. I wanted to be rich. Fame? Meh. I'm good at fame. Fame doesn't bother me. But it was never the driving force. I've never considered myself a rock star. Technically speaking I am, sure, but I don't walk like a rock star. I can talk like one."

TR: You were obviously extremely successful in your heyday with Oasis. What are you thoughts on rock stars today?

NG: Rock stars today? There are no rock stars left. Rock stars now in England? They're really (beep)ing naff or the wrong side of 40. Or they don't write their own music and they have nothing to say. Or they have bad hair and worse shoes.

TR: (Blimey) So who do you think of when you think of rock music now?

NG: You know, when I think of rock music now, I think of Dave Grohl and it's like, 'Can you stop shouting, please?' And I think of Green Day and it's like, 'Can you stop moaning, please?' All dressed the same, all with tattoos, (beep)ing earrings and dyed hair.

TR: What do you think's changed?

NG:  It's social media. It used to be about the swagger and the sex and the girls. Now bands are owned by their fans because they're in touch with them on social media and their fans dictate to them what they want and their record company dictates to them what they should be doing. I'm sorry but nobody (beep)ing owns me. They don't own my thoughts or what I wear or who I want to be in my band.

TR: So Noel, it's the question we all still want the answer to. Honestly deep down, do you agree that Liam was the best Gallagher brother in Oasis?

NG: (beep) (beep)ing (beep). (Noel kicks over his chair and storms off stage.)

TR: (composes herself) Well it was worth a try. Noel Gallagher everyone. This Reporter will see you all again soon, for another episode of Fame. Oh lord, Noel's coming back on. Security!

"....people will see me and cry".

Noel Gallagher. Not one for Tom Jones-style knicker throwing fame then. If he were though at least, thanks to the eternally busy NASA, future pairs are guaranteed to be clean. Danish fashion brand Organic Basics has harnessed the power of the space-venturing organisation and put it into its very own high tech, eco-friendly underwear that, they claim, you don't need to wash for weeks.

The garments contain a special anti-microbial silver, which astronauts use to purify water in the International Space Station and Organic Basics claim will in turn kill 99.9 per cent of bacteria in your undercrackers. The idea is this will enable wearers to forgo washing their pants after every use and so save water, save energy and ultimately, save the world.

This reporter wants to dismiss this idea as completely dotty but fears this may indeed be the future of our knickers. In the meantime she suggests we all grab onto the life raft of doubt with this polka dot dress from Rixo London. It will require regular washing, probably at a costly dry cleaners, but such is life. We just have to - wait for it - "roll with it".

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

Boris Johnson's baby joy and "Just call me Hugo"

FROM the "joyous" news the Prime Minister and his girlfriend Carrie Symonds are expecting a baby this summer, to the comedian-turned-consumer-watchdog who changed his name to Hugo Boss by deed poll, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Monday 2nd March 2020. Boris Johnson and his girlfriend Carrie Symonds have announced they are expecting a baby and that they have got engaged. In a blow to singleton's everywhere, this will be the PM's third marriage and - excuse This Reporter one moment while she fetches her calculator - fifth confirmed child. Due in the summer, the new baby will join the likes of Lara Lettuce and Theodore Apollo as part of the Johnson lineage, as well as a few others as yet unknown or unclaimed (allegedly). It will be the first child of 31-year-old Miss Symonds, an environmental campaigner and former Conservative party official, who made history by becoming the first unmarried prime ministerial partner to live in 10 Downing

Russell Brand's "World View" and the Continuous Brexit Loop and the Continuous Brexit Loop...

COMEDIAN Russell Brand's interview with the Sunday Times has got the country in a tailspin. The gist concerns Mr Brand's "world view" - as he puts it - of being a "sensitive, awake and aware man", clashing, quite considerably, with his responsibilities as a father. To the point, he shamelessly conceded, he'd barely looked after his own children alone in any given 24 hour period. To quote: "I'm very, very focused on the mythical connotations of Mabel's beauty and grace. Not so good on the nappies and making sure they eat food. When I looked after Mabel on her own, she dropped two social classes." Mr Brand appears to seek praise for his decision to opt out of parenthood's contractual obligations as though he is akin to a bad driver taking himself off the road (#PrincePhilip). But for those considerate people, there is the train.  For Mr Brand, there's ending up looking a berk. Sixty-four days to go until we leave the European U