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The Noel Gallagher interview, self-cleaning knickers and the Rixo London polka dot dress

"Fame I'm gonna live forever..."

Good evening and welcome back to Fame, the celebrity spotlight televisual programme presented by none other than yours truly, This Reporter.

Tonight's guest was a member of one of the best-selling British bands of all time, Oasis. As infamous for his spats with his fellow band member and brother Liam, as he was for his guitar playing and song-writing skills, he was central to the 90's Britpop scene.

Since those heady parka-wearing, lager-swilling days he has branched out to musical pastures new and will be touring festivals with his band High Flying Birds this summer.

Here to talk more about his blase approach to fame, his divisive views on rock bands today and shedding some light, perhaps, once and for all on who is the 'best' Gallagher brother, ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Noel Gallagher...

Cue intro music - "You gotta roll with it, you gotta take your time..."

This Reporter: Hello Noel and thank-you for taking time to chat with us.

Noel Gallagher: S'alright love.

This Reporter: (flinches and mutters something about it being a post-Weinstein era) So I want to take you back to those formative days living on a Manchester council estate with your brother Liam. What was it that made you want to start a band, was it a desire to be famous?

Noel Gallagher: When I started, I didn't want to be famous. I wanted to be rich. Fame? Meh. I'm good at fame. Fame doesn't bother me. But it was never the driving force. I've never considered myself a rock star. Technically speaking I am, sure, but I don't walk like a rock star. I can talk like one."

TR: You were obviously extremely successful in your heyday with Oasis. What are you thoughts on rock stars today?

NG: Rock stars today? There are no rock stars left. Rock stars now in England? They're really (beep)ing naff or the wrong side of 40. Or they don't write their own music and they have nothing to say. Or they have bad hair and worse shoes.

TR: (Blimey) So who do you think of when you think of rock music now?

NG: You know, when I think of rock music now, I think of Dave Grohl and it's like, 'Can you stop shouting, please?' And I think of Green Day and it's like, 'Can you stop moaning, please?' All dressed the same, all with tattoos, (beep)ing earrings and dyed hair.

TR: What do you think's changed?

NG:  It's social media. It used to be about the swagger and the sex and the girls. Now bands are owned by their fans because they're in touch with them on social media and their fans dictate to them what they want and their record company dictates to them what they should be doing. I'm sorry but nobody (beep)ing owns me. They don't own my thoughts or what I wear or who I want to be in my band.

TR: So Noel, it's the question we all still want the answer to. Honestly deep down, do you agree that Liam was the best Gallagher brother in Oasis?

NG: (beep) (beep)ing (beep). (Noel kicks over his chair and storms off stage.)

TR: (composes herself) Well it was worth a try. Noel Gallagher everyone. This Reporter will see you all again soon, for another episode of Fame. Oh lord, Noel's coming back on. Security!

"....people will see me and cry".

Noel Gallagher. Not one for Tom Jones-style knicker throwing fame then. If he were though at least, thanks to the eternally busy NASA, future pairs are guaranteed to be clean. Danish fashion brand Organic Basics has harnessed the power of the space-venturing organisation and put it into its very own high tech, eco-friendly underwear that, they claim, you don't need to wash for weeks.

The garments contain a special anti-microbial silver, which astronauts use to purify water in the International Space Station and Organic Basics claim will in turn kill 99.9 per cent of bacteria in your undercrackers. The idea is this will enable wearers to forgo washing their pants after every use and so save water, save energy and ultimately, save the world.

This reporter wants to dismiss this idea as completely dotty but fears this may indeed be the future of our knickers. In the meantime she suggests we all grab onto the life raft of doubt with this polka dot dress from Rixo London. It will require regular washing, probably at a costly dry cleaners, but such is life. We just have to - wait for it - "roll with it".

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