Skip to main content

The Noel Gallagher interview, self-cleaning knickers and the Rixo London polka dot dress

Image
By
"Fame I'm gonna live forever..."

Good evening and welcome back to Fame, the celebrity spotlight televisual programme presented by none other than yours truly, This Reporter.

Tonight's guest was a member of one of the best-selling British bands of all time, Oasis. As infamous for his spats with his fellow band member and brother Liam, as he was for his guitar playing and song-writing skills, he was central to the 90's Britpop scene.

Since those heady parka-wearing, lager-swilling days he has branched out to musical pastures new and will be touring festivals with his band High Flying Birds this summer.

Here to talk more about his blase approach to fame, his divisive views on rock bands today and shedding some light, perhaps, once and for all on who is the 'best' Gallagher brother, ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Noel Gallagher...

Cue intro music - "You gotta roll with it, you gotta take your time..."

This Reporter: Hello Noel and thank-you for taking time to chat with us.

Noel Gallagher: S'alright love.

This Reporter: (flinches and mutters something about it being a post-Weinstein era) So I want to take you back to those formative days living on a Manchester council estate with your brother Liam. What was it that made you want to start a band, was it a desire to be famous?

Noel Gallagher: When I started, I didn't want to be famous. I wanted to be rich. Fame? Meh. I'm good at fame. Fame doesn't bother me. But it was never the driving force. I've never considered myself a rock star. Technically speaking I am, sure, but I don't walk like a rock star. I can talk like one."

TR: You were obviously extremely successful in your heyday with Oasis. What are you thoughts on rock stars today?

NG: Rock stars today? There are no rock stars left. Rock stars now in England? They're really (beep)ing naff or the wrong side of 40. Or they don't write their own music and they have nothing to say. Or they have bad hair and worse shoes.

TR: (Blimey) So who do you think of when you think of rock music now?

NG: You know, when I think of rock music now, I think of Dave Grohl and it's like, 'Can you stop shouting, please?' And I think of Green Day and it's like, 'Can you stop moaning, please?' All dressed the same, all with tattoos, (beep)ing earrings and dyed hair.

TR: What do you think's changed?

NG:  It's social media. It used to be about the swagger and the sex and the girls. Now bands are owned by their fans because they're in touch with them on social media and their fans dictate to them what they want and their record company dictates to them what they should be doing. I'm sorry but nobody (beep)ing owns me. They don't own my thoughts or what I wear or who I want to be in my band.

TR: So Noel, it's the question we all still want the answer to. Honestly deep down, do you agree that Liam was the best Gallagher brother in Oasis?

NG: (beep) (beep)ing (beep). (Noel kicks over his chair and storms off stage.)

TR: (composes herself) Well it was worth a try. Noel Gallagher everyone. This Reporter will see you all again soon, for another episode of Fame. Oh lord, Noel's coming back on. Security!

"....people will see me and cry".

Noel Gallagher. Not one for Tom Jones-style knicker throwing fame then. If he were though at least, thanks to the eternally busy NASA, future pairs are guaranteed to be clean. Danish fashion brand Organic Basics has harnessed the power of the space-venturing organisation and put it into its very own high tech, eco-friendly underwear that, they claim, you don't need to wash for weeks.

The garments contain a special anti-microbial silver, which astronauts use to purify water in the International Space Station and Organic Basics claim will in turn kill 99.9 per cent of bacteria in your undercrackers. The idea is this will enable wearers to forgo washing their pants after every use and so save water, save energy and ultimately, save the world.

This reporter wants to dismiss this idea as completely dotty but fears this may indeed be the future of our knickers. In the meantime she suggests we all grab onto the life raft of doubt with this polka dot dress from Rixo London. It will require regular washing, probably at a costly dry cleaners, but such is life. We just have to - wait for it - "roll with it".

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

There's one thing on which we can all agree; we're tired of this Brexit panto

By
SO there we have it, to no ones surprise - least of all the Prime Minister's - Theresa May's proposed Brexit deal has been voted down by Parliament. In an historic defeat of 230 votes as never seen in the democratic era. At least it did, momentarily, bring pro-EU MPs and Brexiteers together, in a game of Lobby football. Before heading back to opposing Commons trenches, to resume knocking seven bells out of each other.
And to think this happened when the premise on which Mrs May encouraged MPs to vote, was built upon a lie. The Prime Minister has consistently said to vote down her deal would destroy voters faith in politics, as though the referendum Leave result had been won on a landslide. To extract a line from Monday's pre-vote speech, from a mug factory in Stoke, she said: "People's faith in the democratic process and their politicians would suffer catastrophic harm".
But just in case people actually remembered the result, and as a clue it wasn't 89-11…
Post a Comment
Read more

Mrs May's drinks trolley and a fake Brexit traffic jam ends in car crash TV

By
THE sight of a cavalcade of lorries emerging from the fog early on Monday morning, to take their places in a fake Brexit traffic jam, confirmed what we have all been fearing for some time now - we have reached the part in history our ancestors we think, we made up for the laugh.
But first we must turn to Prime Minister Theresa May who has entered a vital chapter in her own memoirs entitled: "Will she or won't she secure her deal?" as it dawned on her she faced no other alternative but to put her ill-favoured Brexit plan before Parliament, next Tuesday (Jan 15th).
It turns out however, she has a few tricks up her sleeve, including a spot of good old-fashioned schmoozing. Inviting her enemies to a series of drinks receptions at the top end of the week, where she no doubt hoped to lubricate the mood.
She says to her staunchest of critics; take these assurances the EU will agree a trade deal by 2021, that Parliament can have more say in the next stage of talks. Remember if y…
Post a Comment
Read more

All aboard the pizza ferry, headed for absolutely nowhere new

By
THIS Reporter wishes to express her fathomless thanks to the Westminster crew, none of whom decided to take upon themselves the tired old trope of making new year's resolutions - on off chance a better version of themselves existed - and instead continue in the exact same farcical way they blundered through 2018.
Because despite the fact ministers had, in theory, laid their dispatch boxes on beds of tinsel for the duration of Christmastide, there is still much for us to catch up with.
First, but by no means foremost, Sajid Javid, Home Secretary - who it has reached This Reporter via the rumour mill likes to call himself "The Saj" - perhaps short for Sergeant but more likely, Sajid - cut short his luxury £1,000-plus a night safari festive break in South Africa to rush back and deal with what he coined a "migrant crisis" but in reality was two brave souls casting out across the Channel in a rubber dinghy.
Nevertheless, Javid called for immediate clampdown on this…
Post a Comment
Read more

Rudd's resignation, Trump's visit and Kat Von D's indestructible eyeliner

By
You better watch out. You better not cry. Better not pout. I'm telling you why. Donald Trump is coming to town.

More about that later. First, some serious news. (This reporter puts on her most sensible of news reading glasses). The Guardian reports today (Monday) that Amber Rudd has "dramatically" resigned as home secretary after "repeatedly struggling to account for her role in the unjust treatment of Windrush generation migrants."

The documenter of our times continues: "The home secretary was forced to step down after a series of revelations in the Guardian over Windrush culminated in a leak on Friday that appeared to show she was aware of targets for removing illegal migrants from Britain.

"The pressure increased late on Sunday afternoon as the Guardian revealed that in a leaked 2017 letter to Theresa May, Rudd had told the Prime Minister of her intention to increase deportations by 10 per cent - seemingly at odds with her recent denials that she w…
Post a Comment
Read more

Theresa May's "10 Year Challenge" and Prince Philip Over-Eggs the Metaphor

By
"TIME is not something I acknowledge", said pop diva Mariah Carey on refusing to play ball on the "10 year challenge", posting two identical photographs of herself in a bikini taken ten seconds rather than ten years apart.
The concept of time is not something Ms Carey is afraid of. She is not freaked out by the ticking of the clock. She is simply impervious to it. It has no meaning. It does not exist. This is where the similarities between her and Theresa May, the Prime Minister, begin, and end.
Sixty-seven days to go until we Brexit. Mrs May is back after surviving yet another no confidence vote by an untriumphant, by nonetheless secure, 19 votes, and immediately launches into "cross party talks". Inviting all major party leaders to "put self-interest aside" and discuss a united way forward to break the Brexit deadlock. It is at this early point in proceedings, she comes unstuck.
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, who famously said "it's goo…
Post a Comment
Read more