Skip to main content

The Noel Gallagher interview, self-cleaning knickers and the Rixo London polka dot dress

"Fame I'm gonna live forever..."

Good evening and welcome back to Fame, the celebrity spotlight televisual programme presented by none other than yours truly, This Reporter.

Tonight's guest was a member of one of the best-selling British bands of all time, Oasis. As infamous for his spats with his fellow band member and brother Liam, as he was for his guitar playing and song-writing skills, he was central to the 90's Britpop scene.

Since those heady parka-wearing, lager-swilling days he has branched out to musical pastures new and will be touring festivals with his band High Flying Birds this summer.

Here to talk more about his blase approach to fame, his divisive views on rock bands today and shedding some light, perhaps, once and for all on who is the 'best' Gallagher brother, ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Noel Gallagher...

Cue intro music - "You gotta roll with it, you gotta take your time..."

This Reporter: Hello Noel and thank-you for taking time to chat with us.

Noel Gallagher: S'alright love.

This Reporter: (flinches and mutters something about it being a post-Weinstein era) So I want to take you back to those formative days living on a Manchester council estate with your brother Liam. What was it that made you want to start a band, was it a desire to be famous?

Noel Gallagher: When I started, I didn't want to be famous. I wanted to be rich. Fame? Meh. I'm good at fame. Fame doesn't bother me. But it was never the driving force. I've never considered myself a rock star. Technically speaking I am, sure, but I don't walk like a rock star. I can talk like one."

TR: You were obviously extremely successful in your heyday with Oasis. What are you thoughts on rock stars today?

NG: Rock stars today? There are no rock stars left. Rock stars now in England? They're really (beep)ing naff or the wrong side of 40. Or they don't write their own music and they have nothing to say. Or they have bad hair and worse shoes.

TR: (Blimey) So who do you think of when you think of rock music now?

NG: You know, when I think of rock music now, I think of Dave Grohl and it's like, 'Can you stop shouting, please?' And I think of Green Day and it's like, 'Can you stop moaning, please?' All dressed the same, all with tattoos, (beep)ing earrings and dyed hair.

TR: What do you think's changed?

NG:  It's social media. It used to be about the swagger and the sex and the girls. Now bands are owned by their fans because they're in touch with them on social media and their fans dictate to them what they want and their record company dictates to them what they should be doing. I'm sorry but nobody (beep)ing owns me. They don't own my thoughts or what I wear or who I want to be in my band.

TR: So Noel, it's the question we all still want the answer to. Honestly deep down, do you agree that Liam was the best Gallagher brother in Oasis?

NG: (beep) (beep)ing (beep). (Noel kicks over his chair and storms off stage.)

TR: (composes herself) Well it was worth a try. Noel Gallagher everyone. This Reporter will see you all again soon, for another episode of Fame. Oh lord, Noel's coming back on. Security!

"....people will see me and cry".

Noel Gallagher. Not one for Tom Jones-style knicker throwing fame then. If he were though at least, thanks to the eternally busy NASA, future pairs are guaranteed to be clean. Danish fashion brand Organic Basics has harnessed the power of the space-venturing organisation and put it into its very own high tech, eco-friendly underwear that, they claim, you don't need to wash for weeks.

The garments contain a special anti-microbial silver, which astronauts use to purify water in the International Space Station and Organic Basics claim will in turn kill 99.9 per cent of bacteria in your undercrackers. The idea is this will enable wearers to forgo washing their pants after every use and so save water, save energy and ultimately, save the world.

This reporter wants to dismiss this idea as completely dotty but fears this may indeed be the future of our knickers. In the meantime she suggests we all grab onto the life raft of doubt with this polka dot dress from Rixo London. It will require regular washing, probably at a costly dry cleaners, but such is life. We just have to - wait for it - "roll with it".

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Stranded in Brexit Britain - A Taco Sauce Survival Tale

WITH three weeks to go and about as much readiness as you can fit into a Borrower's knapsack, the pressing question remains, who is going to stop Brexit? The obvious candidate, not to go all Rees-Mogg on you, is the Queen. Who in theory, if not in practise, has the power and from previous allusions, thinks Brexit a load of piffle.
Failing the Queen, who let's face it has her hands full as a member of the sandwich generation - wrangling the car keys out of Prince Philip's mitts on the one hand and helping Meghan practise for her hypno-birth, on the other. If the Queen is not available there are "dupes" for her.
Victoria Beckham is to deliver a Queen's Speech on "Christmas Day" in March to launch her YouTube channel, on basis these speeches are "quite popular" and as we are constantly reminded by those around her, Mrs Beckham is witty and self-deprecating. Highlights will include her rallying cry to get people to subscribe to her channel: &q…

Corbyn's Phoney People's Vote, Pot Shots and Gigantic Bows

FROM Corbyn's phoney call for a People's Vote and the cliffhanger pot shot video tape, to the Roksanda blouse with the enormous bows, welcome to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up.

Cadbury can only be a sugar rush away from filing a trademark infringement against the British government (to wit - the "Crunchie") as the political world of farcical doom entered yet another of its relentless crunch weeks. Providing, of course, the Crunchie bar was packed from first bite instead of with honeycomb, space dust, and instead of with space dust, TNT and instead of with TNT, nuclear active garbage just 29 days away from detonate, because that's about where we are with Brexit.
Prime Minister Theresa May is under the mistaken impression that the best way to avoid cataclysmic disaster is to dodge it. Colloquially known as "the swerve". As that is exactly what she has done over the meaningful vote - part numero deux - on her deal, which was due to take…

Bercow Bans Brexit Vote 3, Tram Shooting and the Tortoise Illusion Cake

FROM John Bercow banning a third Brexit vote and another suspected terrorist attack - this time on a tram in Utrecht - to the ultimate in tortoise illusion cakes (spoiler alert: it wasn't a cake) welcome to This Reporter's daily news round-up.

Some have called it a massive spanner in the works, others a "constitutional crisis", whilst those more scholarly types have plumped for "Erskine Mayhem". Either way we are all talking about Common's Speaker John Bercow making the "shock" announcement yesterday (Monday) he was banning Prime Minister Theresa May from putting her Brexit deal before Parliament for meaningful vote a third time, unless it underwent substantial changes.
What Mr Bercow appears to have done is got the PM on an historical technicality. Quoting from the guide to parliamentary procedure, Erskine May (no relation to our leader) he said the Commons could not be "repeatedly asked to pronounce" on the same question.
Inevitabl…

Brexit Crisis, Boris "Spaffed" Johnson and Prince Charles' Beach Bod

FROM MPs' dawning revelation that yes, Brexit is in crisis and Boris Johnson's leadership bid "spaffed up a wall", to Prince Charles' "impressive" beach bod, welcome to This Reporter's daily news round-up.

"It's like the last days of Rome". A direct quote there, which shows at long last MPs have cottoned on to what the rest of the country/Europe/the world could have told them months and months (and months) ago -  Brexit is at crisis point.
Prime Minister Theresa May herself admitted that things were not going quite according to plan yesterday (Tuesday) and, to be frank, exiting the European Union on 29th March (next week) probably wasn't going to happen.
But instead of taking some form of useful action to try and sort this crisis out, she has decided to make a move which will only takes things from shockingly bad to unfathomably worse. This Reporter refers to Mrs May writing to EU Chief Michael Barnier to request only a short exten…

Brexit: Where's Barbara Cartland's magic acorn when you need it?

THERE are no words - quite the technical hitch when it comes to writing - to do justice to the single greatest political calamity of our generation. This Reporter considered instead using expressionist art or shadow puppetry. She would make a concerted effort at it for five minutes before setting fire to the whole damn lot - as symbolism.
As alternative, let's start with the bare-boned facts of the matter. Prime Minister Theresa May lost her second meaningful vote on her Brexit deal in Parliament on Tuesday night by a stonking 391 votes to 242. Not the complete annihilation of meaningless vote part numero one, but still an almost unprecedented disaster.
David Cameron, tracked down at his lair, said: "I don't understand why MPs who have always wanted Brexit keep voting against it". Well David, sometimes people do the most unfathomable of things don't they. But back to the facts.
Mrs May's promise of votes on No Deal and Article 50 extension are coming up next.…