Skip to main content

Tories on Instagram, childhood-inspired workouts and the Rag and Bone sun visor

A little to the left, no a little to the right. Chin up, shoulders down. Look a little wistfully off to one side. Wistful I said. Wistful. Not psycho. Now watch for the birdie. And "click".

All done and this reporter can categorically say that photo makes you look human, or thereabouts. The highest of accolades for any Tory MP posing for Instagram.

The news story goes that leaked social media training information has 'accidently' found itself on reporter's desks everywhere, revealing that Conservative MPs have been told they must look more human in their Instagram photos - or like" real people" to use the exact turn of phrase. But this reporter thinks, we can all agree, it amounts to pretty much the same thing.

Before we progress any further, this may be the appropriate time to raise the question of how we actually feel about this. Of course we gave up long ago on any members of the government being empathetic, self-sacrificing, compassionate people but it appears we are questioning something far more basic and biological here. Whether they are indeed made from flesh and blood.

That or perhaps they mean less stuffy suits up against drab office backgrounds and more ties off and rolling with the homies down on the streets kind of shots?

Either way Tories have been warned they must up their Instagram game. They are being left in the dust created by the more social media-savvy Labour MPs. Or so it would appear looking at the statistics, which reveal the Conservative Instagram has 20,000 followers whilst Labour 'trounces' them with 50,000.

Not that the Tories of Prime Minister Theresa May's inner-most cabinet will have a lot of time for posing and pouting, as they have the small matter of resolving the customs union on their plates this week in order to avoid that hard border in Ireland.

Mrs May, who has been trumpeting it all over the papers this weekend that she must be trusted to deliver Brexit - and never has there been more of a statement that literally makes you want to laugh or cry - has divided her cabinet up into teams to discuss the two customs union options left on the Westminster table.

These are a customs partnership (May's brainwave of an idea) which would see tariffs paid regularly to the EU and Max Fac (Maximum Facilitation - or a new eyeliner depending on your perspective) which would see a technologically-supported 'imaginary barrier' put in place in Ireland and is the preferred option of the hard Brexiteers.

The two teams have been carefully chosen with remainer MPs in one team to discuss Max Fac and Brexiteers in the other, who will look at the customs partnership. Both teams are notably devoid of any Brexit or Remainer 'extremists' - the likes of Boris Johnson or Philip Hammond - in a bid to make discussions fairer, apparently.

The teams will report back with their thoughts on their rival camp's favoured customs union measure, giving pros and cons, with the idea being, this reporter assumes, one team ultimately giving way to the other. There would be more chance of Jacob Rees-Mogg time-travelling his way to 2018.

Meanwhile, those not discussing the customs union this week - i.e. real people - have been trying out a new fitness craze for childhood games. Grown adults have been taking up a range of playground-inspired activities such as British Bulldog, Capture the Flag and Dodgeball to get fit thanks to Rabble, an alternative fitness organisation set up by ex-professional triathlete Charlotte Roach.

Ms Roach said she found many people did not appear to enjoy their fitness regime and considered exercise a chore and so embracing childhood games was an excellent alternative. Rabble has public sessions across the UK, Australia and the US and due to the HIIT (high interval intensity training) nature of the games we all used to play as children, this way of exercising appears to be working.

Participants can burn off up to 1,000 calories and cover eight kilometres without even realising during a session, as well as aiding with speed, co-ordination and endurance levels.

This reporter feels this would be a much better way for Tory MPs to spend their time. They could even gets some snaps for Instagram. Don this sun visor from Rag and Bone as a finishing touch.
"Cheese".

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Pig stalkers, BoJo's Jet and the Zara contrast print dress

Socks off. Do you remember the childhood rhyme which runs: "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home..."? You do. Well this story is the remixed version. A man in America called the police when a 'persistent pig' followed him home from a train station, it is reported. He called the North Ridgeville Police Station in Ohio at 5.26am on Saturday claiming the pig was following him and, understandably, the officers thought he must be inebriated (the man that is, not the pig). However, on arriving at the 'scene' they found a completely sober man who was indeed being followed by a piggy stalker. One of the officers managed to 'coerce' the pig into his police car (no jokes please) and brought the pig back to the station where he was locked in one of the dog kennels. The pig has since been reunited with his owner. Time for some news headlines and today it has been announced Sweden has distributed a 'be prepared for war

Empire pineapples, ignoring the news and the Zara fringed t-shirt

The pineapple - the symbol of the plunder and prosper of the Great British Empire, the centre piece of the opulent Victorian dinner table, the skewered accessory of the trendy 1980's cocktail party. It's back and its timing is impeccable. No more the virtuous healthiness of millennial favourite, the avocado. Supermarkets are declaring that sales of the spikier, tongue clackingly sour/sweet pineapple are on the rise and set to mash its rival into a soup. And this reporter suspects there is something far deeper going on here than a change in preference of fruit. As she suggested in her intro up there, this is without doubt entangled with this country's vision of a glorious Brittas Empire, as we emerge blinking and stumbling from our dark EU incarceration and into a new dawn of sovereignty once again - just as soon as the French have made us our new blue passports. Oblivious to this change in fruity preference is a wealthy American introduced to this reporter by David Mi