Skip to main content

Tories on Instagram, childhood-inspired workouts and the Rag and Bone sun visor

A little to the left, no a little to the right. Chin up, shoulders down. Look a little wistfully off to one side. Wistful I said. Wistful. Not psycho. Now watch for the birdie. And "click".

All done and this reporter can categorically say that photo makes you look human, or thereabouts. The highest of accolades for any Tory MP posing for Instagram.

The news story goes that leaked social media training information has 'accidently' found itself on reporter's desks everywhere, revealing that Conservative MPs have been told they must look more human in their Instagram photos - or like" real people" to use the exact turn of phrase. But this reporter thinks, we can all agree, it amounts to pretty much the same thing.

Before we progress any further, this may be the appropriate time to raise the question of how we actually feel about this. Of course we gave up long ago on any members of the government being empathetic, self-sacrificing, compassionate people but it appears we are questioning something far more basic and biological here. Whether they are indeed made from flesh and blood.

That or perhaps they mean less stuffy suits up against drab office backgrounds and more ties off and rolling with the homies down on the streets kind of shots?

Either way Tories have been warned they must up their Instagram game. They are being left in the dust created by the more social media-savvy Labour MPs. Or so it would appear looking at the statistics, which reveal the Conservative Instagram has 20,000 followers whilst Labour 'trounces' them with 50,000.

Not that the Tories of Prime Minister Theresa May's inner-most cabinet will have a lot of time for posing and pouting, as they have the small matter of resolving the customs union on their plates this week in order to avoid that hard border in Ireland.

Mrs May, who has been trumpeting it all over the papers this weekend that she must be trusted to deliver Brexit - and never has there been more of a statement that literally makes you want to laugh or cry - has divided her cabinet up into teams to discuss the two customs union options left on the Westminster table.

These are a customs partnership (May's brainwave of an idea) which would see tariffs paid regularly to the EU and Max Fac (Maximum Facilitation - or a new eyeliner depending on your perspective) which would see a technologically-supported 'imaginary barrier' put in place in Ireland and is the preferred option of the hard Brexiteers.

The two teams have been carefully chosen with remainer MPs in one team to discuss Max Fac and Brexiteers in the other, who will look at the customs partnership. Both teams are notably devoid of any Brexit or Remainer 'extremists' - the likes of Boris Johnson or Philip Hammond - in a bid to make discussions fairer, apparently.

The teams will report back with their thoughts on their rival camp's favoured customs union measure, giving pros and cons, with the idea being, this reporter assumes, one team ultimately giving way to the other. There would be more chance of Jacob Rees-Mogg time-travelling his way to 2018.

Meanwhile, those not discussing the customs union this week - i.e. real people - have been trying out a new fitness craze for childhood games. Grown adults have been taking up a range of playground-inspired activities such as British Bulldog, Capture the Flag and Dodgeball to get fit thanks to Rabble, an alternative fitness organisation set up by ex-professional triathlete Charlotte Roach.

Ms Roach said she found many people did not appear to enjoy their fitness regime and considered exercise a chore and so embracing childhood games was an excellent alternative. Rabble has public sessions across the UK, Australia and the US and due to the HIIT (high interval intensity training) nature of the games we all used to play as children, this way of exercising appears to be working.

Participants can burn off up to 1,000 calories and cover eight kilometres without even realising during a session, as well as aiding with speed, co-ordination and endurance levels.

This reporter feels this would be a much better way for Tory MPs to spend their time. They could even gets some snaps for Instagram. Don this sun visor from Rag and Bone as a finishing touch.
"Cheese".

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

A Trump Visit Special Edition - Featuring Camilla's wink, "Michael, Who's Michael?" and "Boris, You're Hired"

WELCOME to This Reporter's three day, pull-out-and-keep, special on the President of the United State's UK visit, complete with choice of exceptional free gifts - ranging from a limited edition Downing Street tea set and a pen set featuring Royal crest, to Winston Churchill's (framed) personal draft of the Atlantic Charter, all currently available on Donald Trump's Depop.

Monday 3rd June (Day 1) and despite all hopes to the contrary, American President Donald Trump arrived in the UK on his, delayed, state visit. Jetting into Stansted on Air Force One, from which vantage point he could comfortably take in the sights, including the ginormous "Oi Trump" penis mowed into a lawn, he was accompanied not only by wife Melania but four of his grown-up children. Seemingly for safety in numbers, though his external manner was as bombastic as ever. Before landing he had found the time to liberally disseminate a series of Trumpisms, presumably to get us all in the mood, an…

Waffles, Milkshake and Goodbye Theresa May

Monday 20th May and we wake to Health Secretary Matt Hancock enduring a grilling from Good Morning Britain's presenter Piers Morgan for devouring a caramel waffle before coming live on air. "What did you have for breakfast?" Mr Morgan asks, flexing those journalistic muscles, to which Mr Hancock replies, a banana - then follows a brief pause - and a waffle. The camera shifts to earlier footage of Hancock consuming said waffle, with unmistakable relish, as Morgan asks, is this really the example you wish to set the nation, that we should all be eating calorific, fat-filled caramel waffles? Mr Hancock, realising there is no way out of this (that there's not been anything quite like this in food policing since Ed Miliband bit into a bacon sandwich) replies: "I love life, but I love my waffles".
Meanwhile, following hot-on-the-heels of the revelation insurance tycoon Aaron Banks "lavishly funded" Nigel Farage's lifestyle following the 2016 referen…

The Tory Leadership Contest - including the drug's weekender and Lorraine Kelly

WELCOME to This Reporter's weekly news journal and the Tory Leadership Contest has proved unavoidable, with the ten prospective PMs setting out their supplications, ahead of the grand whittling process. No spoilers - but the lucky few making it through the first round - of many - are named somewhere further down below. And one thing is patently clear, if the full ten of them are not, as rumoured, off their heads on something, then we the great British public certainly must be - or perhaps should be.

Monday 10th June and with the Tory leadership race properly "on", now Theresa May has formerly stepped down into a caretaker role (unblocking the Commons' toilets), contestants have launched wide-eyed and twitchy, into the opening round which involves them battling it out to see who has taken the most drugs.
Over the weekend one of the "favourites" Michael Gove added several lines of cocaine sampled during his journalistic years onto the increasing stash table. H…

BAFTAs, Alabama, "Four Ovens" and Jeremy Kyle

FROM "Killing Eve" cleaning up at the BAFTAs and the rise of Nigel Farage's half-baked Brexit Party, to the trash found at the depths of the ocean which, according to some reports has Jeremy Kyle living under it, to "Four Ovens" MP James Brokenshire, if this week was a grossly out-dated, misogynistic trope, it would be a domestic goddess. All complaints please back date to 1957, where you'll find the Senate of Alabama mulling over their next Gilead-inspired motion. Welcome to This Reporter's Weekly News Journal.

Monday 13th May andget your glad rags on - or not (we'll get to that in a moment) - because our first stop is the BAFTAs where "Killing Eve" cleaned up on the night like any good assassin would, scooping awards for best drama series, best actress and best supporting actress. This was despite chat over whether the programme should have been included in the awards night at all. Some bother about it being screened over in America first…

Rudd's resignation, Trump's visit and Kat Von D's indestructible eyeliner

You better watch out. You better not cry. Better not pout. I'm telling you why. Donald Trump is coming to town.

More about that later. First, some serious news. (This reporter puts on her most sensible of news reading glasses). The Guardian reports today (Monday) that Amber Rudd has "dramatically" resigned as home secretary after "repeatedly struggling to account for her role in the unjust treatment of Windrush generation migrants."

The documenter of our times continues: "The home secretary was forced to step down after a series of revelations in the Guardian over Windrush culminated in a leak on Friday that appeared to show she was aware of targets for removing illegal migrants from Britain.

"The pressure increased late on Sunday afternoon as the Guardian revealed that in a leaked 2017 letter to Theresa May, Rudd had told the Prime Minister of her intention to increase deportations by 10 per cent - seemingly at odds with her recent denials that she w…