Skip to main content

Yanny, Laurel, Meditate (repeat) and the Gucci harem trousers

This was the week we quite frankly excelled ourselves as a human race by spending our valuable life minutes deciding, and then discussing at length, whether an audio clip was saying the word "Yanny" or "Laurel".

Devised to have a divisive effect, with no sight of future cohesion, this electronic voice has been dumped onto the internet to distract decent folk from more beneficial uprising, this reporter surmises.

There were a sprinkling of people with more pressing matters on their minds. Some  - arguably - more worthy than others. Let's dive in and take a look at what they were...

Against the clownish cacophony of pompous Brexit voices, one million students have piped up with the words, "listen to me". The students, from an array of colleges and universities across the country, have joined forces to demand a "people's vote" before the final Brexit deal is cemented.

They have written to MPs with the argument that many of them were too young to vote in the 2016 referendum but, on the basis this decision will affect their age bracket more than any other, they deserve to have a say now.

These students have not fully appraised themselves of the rules of the Brexit game however. In particular the rule which states that whilst, undeniably, Brexit is "The Will of the People" - indeed it is the will of that people which is driving these shenanigans ever doggedly forward - that Will comes very much in the singular.

Whilst we absolutely must honour that first Will "to the very death" - there is no room for a second will. Indeed the will of the people is what could be called a first and last chance saloon.

Other people, namely parents, couldn't care less about any of that. They have far greater trials and tribulations on their minds - namely the dangers of party bags. In a move laced with what this reporter can only name as ingratitude, a body of mums and dads have slammed their fellow child rearers for handing out all manner of dangerous objects at the end of parties concealed in innocent-looking cellophane bags. 'Dangerous objects' include bouncy balls and other small items their child, as a matter of course, will put into their mouths and choke on.

It is absolutely down to the party-giving parent to remedy this terrible, and potentially lethal oversight of the safety rules, they declare and nothing to do with their own personal parental responsibility, such as telling their children not to try and swallow balls.

Meanwhile someones started destroying the ozone layer again. In direct contradiction to what we all learnt back in the 80s, that CFC's were very, very bad and were indeed wrenching open a hole in the earth's protective layer somewhere in the region of Antarctica, it appears one individual didn't get the memo.

And whilst we all dutifully threw out the aerosols and refrigerators containing these earth destroying chemicals, it appears somewhere out there either some still remained or a devious deviant has started manufacturing more.

An official trace has been run on the origins of this latest CFC production and so far it has been narrowed down to somewhere in Asia. The official line from the science agency in the US looking into all this is: "Somebody who was maybe doing it purposefully will realise - oh, someone is paying attention - and stop doing it".

Isn't it good to know we are in such safe hands?

This reporter suggests we all head to Fabric nightclub in London for a spot of much-needed meditation. For one night only, the newspapers report, the club is swapping "hedonism for mindfulness and mocktails". Silence will reign over thumping dance beats in an event by self-styled meditation guru Will Williams, who just so happens to have a new book out called 'The Effortless Mind'.

The aim, Mr Williams says, is to attract a new generation to the "inner joys of meditation". And the former booking agent, for bands and musicians, should know. He declares he used to "indulge in every bit of debauchery you can think of". His most famous fellow meditating client is Howard Donald from Take That.

This reporter will be there with bells on and she will be wearing these harem-style trousers from Gucci, in a bid to blend in. And by the way,  it's "Laurel".

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

There's one thing on which we can all agree; we're tired of this Brexit panto

SO there we have it, to no ones surprise - least of all the Prime Minister's - Theresa May's proposed Brexit deal has been voted down by Parliament. In an historic defeat of 230 votes as never seen in the democratic era. At least it did, momentarily, bring pro-EU MPs and Brexiteers together, in a game of Lobby football. Before heading back to opposing Commons trenches, to resume knocking seven bells out of each other.
And to think this happened when the premise on which Mrs May encouraged MPs to vote, was built upon a lie. The Prime Minister has consistently said to vote down her deal would destroy voters faith in politics, as though the referendum Leave result had been won on a landslide. To extract a line from Monday's pre-vote speech, from a mug factory in Stoke, she said: "People's faith in the democratic process and their politicians would suffer catastrophic harm".
But just in case people actually remembered the result, and as a clue it wasn't 89-11…

Mrs May's drinks trolley and a fake Brexit traffic jam ends in car crash TV

THE sight of a cavalcade of lorries emerging from the fog early on Monday morning, to take their places in a fake Brexit traffic jam, confirmed what we have all been fearing for some time now - we have reached the part in history our ancestors we think, we made up for the laugh.
But first we must turn to Prime Minister Theresa May who has entered a vital chapter in her own memoirs entitled: "Will she or won't she secure her deal?" as it dawned on her she faced no other alternative but to put her ill-favoured Brexit plan before Parliament, next Tuesday (Jan 15th).
It turns out however, she has a few tricks up her sleeve, including a spot of good old-fashioned schmoozing. Inviting her enemies to a series of drinks receptions at the top end of the week, where she no doubt hoped to lubricate the mood.
She says to her staunchest of critics; take these assurances the EU will agree a trade deal by 2021, that Parliament can have more say in the next stage of talks. Remember if y…

All aboard the pizza ferry, headed for absolutely nowhere new

THIS Reporter wishes to express her fathomless thanks to the Westminster crew, none of whom decided to take upon themselves the tired old trope of making new year's resolutions - on off chance a better version of themselves existed - and instead continue in the exact same farcical way they blundered through 2018.
Because despite the fact ministers had, in theory, laid their dispatch boxes on beds of tinsel for the duration of Christmastide, there is still much for us to catch up with.
First, but by no means foremost, Sajid Javid, Home Secretary - who it has reached This Reporter via the rumour mill likes to call himself "The Saj" - perhaps short for Sergeant but more likely, Sajid - cut short his luxury £1,000-plus a night safari festive break in South Africa to rush back and deal with what he coined a "migrant crisis" but in reality was two brave souls casting out across the Channel in a rubber dinghy.
Nevertheless, Javid called for immediate clampdown on this…

Rudd's resignation, Trump's visit and Kat Von D's indestructible eyeliner

You better watch out. You better not cry. Better not pout. I'm telling you why. Donald Trump is coming to town.

More about that later. First, some serious news. (This reporter puts on her most sensible of news reading glasses). The Guardian reports today (Monday) that Amber Rudd has "dramatically" resigned as home secretary after "repeatedly struggling to account for her role in the unjust treatment of Windrush generation migrants."

The documenter of our times continues: "The home secretary was forced to step down after a series of revelations in the Guardian over Windrush culminated in a leak on Friday that appeared to show she was aware of targets for removing illegal migrants from Britain.

"The pressure increased late on Sunday afternoon as the Guardian revealed that in a leaked 2017 letter to Theresa May, Rudd had told the Prime Minister of her intention to increase deportations by 10 per cent - seemingly at odds with her recent denials that she w…

Theresa May's "10 Year Challenge" and Prince Philip Over-Eggs the Metaphor

"TIME is not something I acknowledge", said pop diva Mariah Carey on refusing to play ball on the "10 year challenge", posting two identical photographs of herself in a bikini taken ten seconds rather than ten years apart.
The concept of time is not something Ms Carey is afraid of. She is not freaked out by the ticking of the clock. She is simply impervious to it. It has no meaning. It does not exist. This is where the similarities between her and Theresa May, the Prime Minister, begin, and end.
Sixty-seven days to go until we Brexit. Mrs May is back after surviving yet another no confidence vote by an untriumphant, by nonetheless secure, 19 votes, and immediately launches into "cross party talks". Inviting all major party leaders to "put self-interest aside" and discuss a united way forward to break the Brexit deadlock. It is at this early point in proceedings, she comes unstuck.
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, who famously said "it's goo…