Skip to main content

Yanny, Laurel, Meditate (repeat) and the Gucci harem trousers

This was the week we quite frankly excelled ourselves as a human race by spending our valuable life minutes deciding, and then discussing at length, whether an audio clip was saying the word "Yanny" or "Laurel".

Devised to have a divisive effect, with no sight of future cohesion, this electronic voice has been dumped onto the internet to distract decent folk from more beneficial uprising, this reporter surmises.

There were a sprinkling of people with more pressing matters on their minds. Some  - arguably - more worthy than others. Let's dive in and take a look at what they were...

Against the clownish cacophony of pompous Brexit voices, one million students have piped up with the words, "listen to me". The students, from an array of colleges and universities across the country, have joined forces to demand a "people's vote" before the final Brexit deal is cemented.

They have written to MPs with the argument that many of them were too young to vote in the 2016 referendum but, on the basis this decision will affect their age bracket more than any other, they deserve to have a say now.

These students have not fully appraised themselves of the rules of the Brexit game however. In particular the rule which states that whilst, undeniably, Brexit is "The Will of the People" - indeed it is the will of that people which is driving these shenanigans ever doggedly forward - that Will comes very much in the singular.

Whilst we absolutely must honour that first Will "to the very death" - there is no room for a second will. Indeed the will of the people is what could be called a first and last chance saloon.

Other people, namely parents, couldn't care less about any of that. They have far greater trials and tribulations on their minds - namely the dangers of party bags. In a move laced with what this reporter can only name as ingratitude, a body of mums and dads have slammed their fellow child rearers for handing out all manner of dangerous objects at the end of parties concealed in innocent-looking cellophane bags. 'Dangerous objects' include bouncy balls and other small items their child, as a matter of course, will put into their mouths and choke on.

It is absolutely down to the party-giving parent to remedy this terrible, and potentially lethal oversight of the safety rules, they declare and nothing to do with their own personal parental responsibility, such as telling their children not to try and swallow balls.

Meanwhile someones started destroying the ozone layer again. In direct contradiction to what we all learnt back in the 80s, that CFC's were very, very bad and were indeed wrenching open a hole in the earth's protective layer somewhere in the region of Antarctica, it appears one individual didn't get the memo.

And whilst we all dutifully threw out the aerosols and refrigerators containing these earth destroying chemicals, it appears somewhere out there either some still remained or a devious deviant has started manufacturing more.

An official trace has been run on the origins of this latest CFC production and so far it has been narrowed down to somewhere in Asia. The official line from the science agency in the US looking into all this is: "Somebody who was maybe doing it purposefully will realise - oh, someone is paying attention - and stop doing it".

Isn't it good to know we are in such safe hands?

This reporter suggests we all head to Fabric nightclub in London for a spot of much-needed meditation. For one night only, the newspapers report, the club is swapping "hedonism for mindfulness and mocktails". Silence will reign over thumping dance beats in an event by self-styled meditation guru Will Williams, who just so happens to have a new book out called 'The Effortless Mind'.

The aim, Mr Williams says, is to attract a new generation to the "inner joys of meditation". And the former booking agent, for bands and musicians, should know. He declares he used to "indulge in every bit of debauchery you can think of". His most famous fellow meditating client is Howard Donald from Take That.

This reporter will be there with bells on and she will be wearing these harem-style trousers from Gucci, in a bid to blend in. And by the way,  it's "Laurel".

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Stranded in Brexit Britain - A Taco Sauce Survival Tale

WITH three weeks to go and about as much readiness as you can fit into a Borrower's knapsack, the pressing question remains, who is going to stop Brexit? The obvious candidate, not to go all Rees-Mogg on you, is the Queen. Who in theory, if not in practise, has the power and from previous allusions, thinks Brexit a load of piffle.
Failing the Queen, who let's face it has her hands full as a member of the sandwich generation - wrangling the car keys out of Prince Philip's mitts on the one hand and helping Meghan practise for her hypno-birth, on the other. If the Queen is not available there are "dupes" for her.
Victoria Beckham is to deliver a Queen's Speech on "Christmas Day" in March to launch her YouTube channel, on basis these speeches are "quite popular" and as we are constantly reminded by those around her, Mrs Beckham is witty and self-deprecating. Highlights will include her rallying cry to get people to subscribe to her channel: &q…

Corbyn's Phoney People's Vote, Pot Shots and Gigantic Bows

FROM Corbyn's phoney call for a People's Vote and the cliffhanger pot shot video tape, to the Roksanda blouse with the enormous bows, welcome to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up.

Cadbury can only be a sugar rush away from filing a trademark infringement against the British government (to wit - the "Crunchie") as the political world of farcical doom entered yet another of its relentless crunch weeks. Providing, of course, the Crunchie bar was packed from first bite instead of with honeycomb, space dust, and instead of with space dust, TNT and instead of with TNT, nuclear active garbage just 29 days away from detonate, because that's about where we are with Brexit.
Prime Minister Theresa May is under the mistaken impression that the best way to avoid cataclysmic disaster is to dodge it. Colloquially known as "the swerve". As that is exactly what she has done over the meaningful vote - part numero deux - on her deal, which was due to take…

Bercow Bans Brexit Vote 3, Tram Shooting and the Tortoise Illusion Cake

FROM John Bercow banning a third Brexit vote and another suspected terrorist attack - this time on a tram in Utrecht - to the ultimate in tortoise illusion cakes (spoiler alert: it wasn't a cake) welcome to This Reporter's daily news round-up.

Some have called it a massive spanner in the works, others a "constitutional crisis", whilst those more scholarly types have plumped for "Erskine Mayhem". Either way we are all talking about Common's Speaker John Bercow making the "shock" announcement yesterday (Monday) he was banning Prime Minister Theresa May from putting her Brexit deal before Parliament for meaningful vote a third time, unless it underwent substantial changes.
What Mr Bercow appears to have done is got the PM on an historical technicality. Quoting from the guide to parliamentary procedure, Erskine May (no relation to our leader) he said the Commons could not be "repeatedly asked to pronounce" on the same question.
Inevitabl…

Brexit Crisis, Boris "Spaffed" Johnson and Prince Charles' Beach Bod

FROM MPs' dawning revelation that yes, Brexit is in crisis and Boris Johnson's leadership bid "spaffed up a wall", to Prince Charles' "impressive" beach bod, welcome to This Reporter's daily news round-up.

"It's like the last days of Rome". A direct quote there, which shows at long last MPs have cottoned on to what the rest of the country/Europe/the world could have told them months and months (and months) ago -  Brexit is at crisis point.
Prime Minister Theresa May herself admitted that things were not going quite according to plan yesterday (Tuesday) and, to be frank, exiting the European Union on 29th March (next week) probably wasn't going to happen.
But instead of taking some form of useful action to try and sort this crisis out, she has decided to make a move which will only takes things from shockingly bad to unfathomably worse. This Reporter refers to Mrs May writing to EU Chief Michael Barnier to request only a short exten…

Brexit: Where's Barbara Cartland's magic acorn when you need it?

THERE are no words - quite the technical hitch when it comes to writing - to do justice to the single greatest political calamity of our generation. This Reporter considered instead using expressionist art or shadow puppetry. She would make a concerted effort at it for five minutes before setting fire to the whole damn lot - as symbolism.
As alternative, let's start with the bare-boned facts of the matter. Prime Minister Theresa May lost her second meaningful vote on her Brexit deal in Parliament on Tuesday night by a stonking 391 votes to 242. Not the complete annihilation of meaningless vote part numero one, but still an almost unprecedented disaster.
David Cameron, tracked down at his lair, said: "I don't understand why MPs who have always wanted Brexit keep voting against it". Well David, sometimes people do the most unfathomable of things don't they. But back to the facts.
Mrs May's promise of votes on No Deal and Article 50 extension are coming up next.…