Skip to main content

Bolt's dibs on Buckingham Palace, Trump's torn document slaves and the Chopard watch

Usain Bolt, unequivocally the man with the world's fastest feet, may have proved himself a little slower on the uptake this week when, during an interview, he expressed his desire to purchase Buckingham Palace.

Mr Bolt, who holds the world records for the 100metres, 200metres, and the 4x100metres relay, was being interviewed for The Evening Standard when he was posed the question, which property would he most like to purchase in London? And instead of a nice swish glass-fronted apartment overlooking the Thames River or a three-storey town house with original Georgian features in Chelsea, he plumped for the Queen's house.

Now quite possibly this reporter is taking Mr Bolt's answer a little too seriously. Indeed the Jamaican born runner may be fully aware of the manifold obstructions which stand in the way of him buying the property which has been in the royal families hands since time infinitum, or such early date as this reporter can't quite be bothered to look up in a history book.

Mr Bolt may understand that inventing the world's most famous sport's celebratory gesture, the likes of which has not been seen since footballer Peter Crouch did the robot, is not enough to secure you the keys to a building in the monarchy's property portfolio. But then if this reporter had taken as red Mr Bolt's understanding of these limitations, and accepted straight out of the blocks he was in jest, then this reporter would not have been able to kill minutes of your precious time rambling on about it.

Sprinting across the pond and this reporter insists on making only passing reference to the meeting of American President Donald Trump with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un this week in Singapore - a meeting which has been heralded as the most significant of our time, peace-wise, but which to this reporter looks more like a bid on the part of the world's two most narcissistic leaders to get maximum exposure, no matter which side of the warmongering divide they have to stand to do it. Just ensure, as Trump insisted, they look as "handsome and thin" as possible.

No instead this reporter wants to discuss the tale of Trump's document fixers - a real life story of a team of well-qualified, highly paid, former aides of the President, whose sole task it was to painstakingly stick back together all the documents which Trump had ripped up and wrongly discarded, so they could be rightfully archived at the White House.

The team, who have all since been sacked without explanation - they claim - revealed that whilst some documents had been swiftly ripped in half, others were reduced to nothing short of confetti and had to be sellotaped back together in what this reporter can only assume was the most thanklessly, laborious task since the invention of filo pastry.

Back over in Blighty and the clown show which is Brexit still rumbles on - the most 'entertaining' aspect being The Sun newspaper's choice of front page, which bellowed to MP's poised to rebel against Brexit: "You have a choice - Great Britain or Great Betrayal".

Not only this, but the front page was emblazoned with a quite extraordinary cut and paste collection of what The Sun sub-editing department evidently considered fitting "British" imagery to stir up lost feelings of patriotism in the heart of many a rogue MP. This included an image of Big Ben, the Angel of the North, the Shard and slightly more mysteriously, Mr Bean. One newspaper columnist added you may as well throw in The Railway Children's Jenny Agutter waving her knickers on a stick for good measure. But no we haven't got time for any of that either.

Instead we must discuss an item of news perhaps second only to the result of the Brexit referendum in terms of shock and devastation level, and that is the revelation queen of cakes Mary Berry has heartlessly ditched making Victoria sponge the old-fashioned way.

She says many people complain they don't have enough time for baking cakes - all that creaming in of the butter and the sugar - and she tells them, don't be silly, she no longer does it that way either. Instead she follows a five minute recipe which involves swapping out butter for sandwich spread, and whacking it all in a cake mixer.

This reporter suggests we focus less on the hurt and betrayal and instead on all that much-needed time we've saved. Time we can measure on our brand new Chopard watch. If you don't like it, use it as a down payment on Bucks Palace.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Cameron's Comeback, "The Grid" and a Passport to Chic

WITH the bad boys of Brexit back in town and no feasible escape from this rapidly sinking island, all hope clings to a leather dress. Welcome to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up.

Prime Minister Theresa May will be interrogated by children, we learnt, after signing up to appear on Sky Kids news programme 'FYI'. Mrs May is famed for shirking the TV interview - besides which, serious television journalists appear to have lost their (news) sense - so it looks like it falls to the youngest and let's face it, far more assiduous minds, to ask Mrs May how much more it will take to sack off Brexit?
And here's the very man we'll say arguably, but in all fairness we mean actually, got us into this mess in the first place. Namely David Cameron, letting slip to his friends he was bored witless putting his trotters up in his second shepherd's hut in Nice, and wanted to return to front line politics. His remorseless eyes set on the post of foreign secretary.…

The Ginormous Lego Orangutan and Johnson & Johnson's Minty Youth Shots

WELCOME to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up live from Brexit Island, where ginormous Lego orangutans rampage and we clamour for Johnson & Johnson's youth-giving minty shots. Not suitable for those of nervous disposition - there may be scenes of a sexual nature and episodes of political absurdity readers will find disturbing.

Soundbite from Prime Minister Theresa May live last night (Wednesday): "Thank Christ for that", as Cabinet agreed to the draft Brexit withdrawal agreement after a tempestuous five hour long meeting.
Yes, it has been quite the week on Brexit Island, as Britain is now officially called, with promises as tantalising as a Victorian peep show that Mrs May and the EU27 were going to draft up an agreement in time. As frequently we heard "there's no chance gov'nor" as the more upbeat, "stay tuned".
As is custom, Mrs May's relief was to be short-lived however, as she lost Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab to r…

Drug Stockpiling, Deep Fried Crap Land and the Tech Worker Fleece

FROM urgent calls for patients to stockpile their own medicine and Legoland renamed "Deep Fried Crap Land", to the tech worker's wardrobe essential - the fleece, welcome to This Reporter's daily news and style round-up.

Patients are being urged to start stockpiling their own drugs as soon as it looks likely the UK will leave the EU with no deal. This is the message from the pharmaceutical industry as they warn MPs a no deal Brexit will be "catastrophic" for medicine supplies.

Pharmaceutical bods elaborated, government contingency plans for suppliers to stockpile several weeks of drugs were insufficient and there were no facilities at ports to store drugs at low temperatures in event of delays. They pleaded the next phase of plans should be put in place. Meanwhile This Reporter urges immediate raids of pharmacies. Just don't say who sent you.

It's fair to say Donald Trump has never had the riches of the English language at his fingertips but the Pres…

Mail Bombs, Ross from Friends and the Dr Marten Boots

FROM the suspected bombs sent out to Trump's critics and Ross from Friends in the frame with Blackpool police, to the resurgence of picket line favourite - the Dr Marten boot, welcome to This Reporter's daily news and style round-up.

In the words of many a newspaper columnist, "the rhetoric became real" yesterday (Wednesday) as it emerged suspected explosives had been sent to a host of prominent Donald Trump critics including former President Barack Obama and Democrat presidential nominee Hilary Clinton. The "bombs" were intercepted by the US Secret Service. On the same day the CNN studios in New York were evacuated after a "live explosive device" was found in its mail room.

New York police commissioner James O-Neill said the targets may have been selected due to their opposition to Trump. And Trump's constant rhetoric of violence towards his opponents - including most recently praising the "slam-dunking" of a Guardian journalist - i…

Body Double, Plastic Bottle Currency and the Burberry Giant Tote

FROM Khashoggi's body double and plastic bottle currency, to the return of the super-sized tote bag, welcome to This Reporter's daily news and style round-up.

CCTV footage has "suddenly" emerged of what appears to be a body double dressed up in murdered journalist Jamal Khashoggi's clothes. It is believed the doppelganger donned Khashoggi's clothes and a fake beard and intentionally made sure he was captured on CCTV in a bid to pretend Khashoggi was still alive. The rookie error came where it can be clearly seen the Saudi agent kept his own trainers on.

Meanwhile Turkish President Recep Tayyio Erdogan has expressed his determination to get to the bottom of what happened to Khashoggi after he entered the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul, by addressing Parliament with a speech compiling all the leaks, evidence and speculation on the case so far in order to expose the "naked truth" of the Saudi Government's involvement.

Threats of violence against Prime…