Skip to main content

Boris 4 Trump 4ever, the Posh and Becks split and Elie Saab's palm print kaftan

Pssst. Pssst. I'm over here. No not there, that's a hat stand. Over here. This reporter's dressed up as a pot plant. Yes. Here I am. A stroke of genius wouldn't you say? This is the palm print kaftan by Elie Saab - perfect attire for flying under the radar.

You see, I want to find out what is going on behind that door. Put one on and you can join me. You will. Ah yes, you look marvellous, very pot-planty. Are you ready?

Now, before we enter, just remember one key thing. Stealth.

Media outlets have been rife with the news that popular culture's original super couple, Victoria and David Beckham have split up. Posh and Becks - arguably the trailblazers of the "modern power couple" who made it evident back in the 90's that there was no finer way to achieve real super stardom than the amalgamation of two famous types together in a 'loving, committed' marriage (a brand of extended-Andy Warholism since taken up by the likes of Beyonce and J-Zay, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West) of course deny all rumours they are seeking divorce.

A spokesperson for the couple said there is no statement due or divorce. "This is just fake social media news. This is all very bizarre and an embarrassing waste of time."

It is unclear exactly where the rumours of the split began but there are distant rumblings that David Beckham has been playing away again, shall we say. But whether these are new allegations or it is a case of an old press release about the Rebecca Loos affair finding its way by accident back into a reporter's in-tray and causing a whole heap of confusion, we cannot be sure.

Meanwhile bookmakers Paddy Power have decided to suspend all bets on the separation between Posh and Becks and many a tabloid newspaper has been posting 'Best Of' couple shots of the Beckhams "in happier times" much in the manner of the leaving VT of a Big Brother house reject.

The stylish pair have been spotted at many a fashion show together over the weekend to try and quash the rumours but this reporter would argue Katie Price and Peter Andre put on very much a united front at a soft play area in Lewisham before they declared "arrivederci" and let's not forget their marriage vows had been sanctified with a recording of "A Whole New World".

Meanwhile Boris Johnson has found his own dirty laundering - including his "I love Trump forever" boxer shorts - aired in public over the weekend, after a tape recording of a speech he made at a Conservative dinner was leaked to all and sundry. But understand when we say "leaked" we actually mean recorded by aid of Boris' secret pen dictaphone and then parcelled up in a brown paper envelope and posted off to Buzzfeed's news desk by Boris' own fair hand.

In the intentionally controversial speech to campaign group Conservative Way Forward, Boris talks of his increasing admiration for American President Donald Trump, stating there is actually "method in his madness" and if Trump was in charge of Brexit he would "go in bloody hard".

This reporter is trying to recall who it was who said Boris Johnson was actually a British version of Donald Trump, just with better hair. Answers on a postcard please. Unless it was all a dream (or more accurately, a nightmare).

Boris wasn't done yet. He also decided to tackle the insurmountable problem of the hard border between the Republic and Northern Ireland. Disregarding the danger that any border down the island of Ireland would reverse the hard fought and still tentative reign of peace there, BoJo insisted all fears about the border were out of proportion and "pure millennium bug stuff".

"It's so small and there are so few firms that actually use that border regularly. It's just beyond belief that we're allowing the tail to wag the dog in this way. We're allowing the whole of our agenda to be dictated by this folly".

Critics have branded Johnson "utterly shameless" and have called yet again for his resignation. This reporter is pretty certain that in BoJo's mind, BoJo is the only one speaking any kind of sense.

A dog approaches and cocks its leg...
Code nine alert, code nine alert. What's code nine you ask? For goodness sake, didn't you get a copy of This Reporter's Emergency Handbook? It means we've been rumbled. Abort mission at speed. Abort mission at speed.

"Hey you two, pot plants, come back. I've got something for you", calls a red-faced man with haystack hair.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020.

The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up.
Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people.
A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions.
In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives This R…

Pig stalkers, BoJo's Jet and the Zara contrast print dress

Socks off.

Do you remember the childhood rhyme which runs: "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home..."? You do. Well this story is the remixed version.

A man in America called the police when a 'persistent pig' followed him home from a train station, it is reported.

He called the North Ridgeville Police Station in Ohio at 5.26am on Saturday claiming the pig was following him and, understandably, the officers thought he must be inebriated (the man that is, not the pig).

However, on arriving at the 'scene' they found a completely sober man who was indeed being followed by a piggy stalker. One of the officers managed to 'coerce' the pig into his police car (no jokes please) and brought the pig back to the station where he was locked in one of the dog kennels. The pig has since been reunited with his owner.

Time for some news headlines and today it has been announced Sweden has distributed a 'be prepared for war' leafle…

Pizza Express and Boris Johnson's 99 problems, but the ditch ain't one

THE MAJOR talking point of the week has been whether Pizza Express is set to go down the swanny. The pizza restaurant chain known, according to This Reporter's private lexicon, as "posh Pizza Hut" revealed it is currently battling £1.1billion worth of debt, which equates to a mammoth £1.6million per restaurant, and in turn, a heck of a lot of dough balls.
The plight of Pizza Express follows on from the news of Thomas Cook going under in the last few weeks and historically matches the tales of woe experienced by high street stalwarts BHS and Woolworths, which are alas no more but, especially in the case of Woolworths, still much bereaved.
Where else, This Reporter ponders could you buy a pick 'n' mix, a cassette tape of Ant and Dec's "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" and a toilet brush in one fell swoop?
Which leads to a serious piece of social commentary, which This Reporter has been keeping under her hat to be revealed at an appropriate time - deemed…

TV Presenter Phillip Schofield announces he is gay and a fox runs amok in Parliament

FROM TV presenter Phillip Schofield announcing he is gay, to the fox who ran amok through the Houses of Parliament, This Reporter brings you the news headlines on Friday 7th February 2020.
Phillip Schofield, the co-presenter of ITV's This Morning programme but who leapt to fame in the broom cupboard, has come out as gay. In a statement released on This Morning's Twitter account, the presenter, who has been married to his wife for almost 27 years, paid tribute to his family. He said: "With the strength and support of my wife and my daughters, I have been coming to terms with the fact that I am gay". He wrote about his "inner conflict" but at the same time talked of  "a world that has changed so much for the better." He added: “Every day on This Morning, I sit in awe of those who have been brave and open in confronting their truth - so now it's my turn to share mine". Schofield married Stephanie Lowe in 1993 and they have two adult daughters, Mo…

Cocktail rings, the sexist book prize and feel good children's literature

"Thundercats are on the move, Thundercats are loose..."

Hello and welcome to the past where suit-clad dinosaurs roam the earth, sexism reigns supreme and women are castigated for stating the bleedin' obvious. There is a silver lining, of sorts. We get to wear cocktail rings again.

So first to the good news, and as this reporter was saying, cocktail rings are making a comeback, big time. The fashion pack has declared an end to minimalist jewellery and instead the mantra is very much "go big or go home".

The rings, which usually feature a colourful gem like an emerald, have been given a mighty great boost in popularity again since the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, wore Princess Diana's Aquamarine cocktail ring to her evening wedding celebrations.

Try the Ophelia cocktail ring, available from Aspinal, for size. But whatever your choice, do ensure the gem is sufficiently gargantuan that its light shines as brightly as the ruby in the Thundercats' sword.…