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Chris Packham's 'ecological apocalypse', Christmas toys and the Calvin Klein sleeves

"Two sleeves for a pound, two sleeves for a pound."

Oh hello there. Welcome to this reporter's market stall. I've come up with a genius idea. You see, I've spotted these Calvin Klein sleeves online. Yes that's right. The mega designer is flogging off what essentially are woolly jumper sleeves - devoid of any kind of woolly jumper attachment - for the eye-watering price of £360.

The idea is you can pair them with any kind of top - a shirt, a blazer, a t-shirt - to add a warm and snugly extra layer. This reporter is concerned that for that price though people are going to want at least the semblance of a sweater attached.

The entrepreneurial light bulb struck when she stumbled across a whole heap of old woollies discarded on the ground. She's snipped the arms off and now she's selling them here, "two sleeves for a pound", so us ordinary folk can grab an armful of this latest fashion fare.

The other excellent news is the top children's toys for Christmas 2018 list has been released by Argos and in the nick of time, wouldn't you agree? According to the catalogue-tastic store, unicorns are going to be massive this year.

My Lovely Unicorn Electric Ride-On and Poopsie the Unicorn, which (and the more delicate of you may want to turn away now) poops out glitter, feature high on the list, as does Paw Patrol's new rescue Fire Truck Playset and the latest Lego City Arctic Mobile Exploration Base.

This reporter declares the charge to secure your little people the absolute must-have Christmas toys well and truly on. She's got a few of those Poopsie Unicorns squirrelled away under her market stall, if you're interested.

Oh look there's quite a queue forming now. News about the sleeves must be spreading. They're looking quite angry though, some of these customers. Oh they're waving sleeveless jumpers in the air. So that pile did belong to the outdoor exercise class that was working out nearby.

Um, would you look after my stall for a minute please. This reporter's just got to, got to - see a man about a dog...

Chris Packham, the naturalist and Springwatch presenter, has warned that we are presiding over "an ecological apocalypse" and Britain is increasingly " a green and unpleasant land".

According to Packham, British people have normalised a "national catastrophe" and only see a wealth of wildlife in nature reserves whilst the wider countryside is bereft of life. He elaborated: "Nature reserves are becoming natural art installations. It's just like looking at your favourite Constable or Rothko. We go there, muse over it, and feel good because we've seen a bittern or some avocets or orchids. But on the journey home there's nothing - only wood pigeons and non-native pheasants and dead badgers on the side of the road".

Packham is not allowed to be political on Springwatch but declared after he stops filming he will be calling for a peaceful public uprising about this. "We need people to say we've had enough. We do that every time there's a terror attack. We need a similar movement for nature. We need people to stand up and say we want action now. We have the ability to fix our countryside."

This reporter concedes it is next to impossible to motivate the majority to care about an issue like this - she doubts there is a space in time where the viewers of Springwatch and Love Island overlap - but warns it won't be possible to pull a yellow flag iris or turtle dove out from under her market stall when nature's stocks get low.

When they're gone, they're gone.

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