Skip to main content

Chris Packham's 'ecological apocalypse', Christmas toys and the Calvin Klein sleeves

"Two sleeves for a pound, two sleeves for a pound."

Oh hello there. Welcome to this reporter's market stall. I've come up with a genius idea. You see, I've spotted these Calvin Klein sleeves online. Yes that's right. The mega designer is flogging off what essentially are woolly jumper sleeves - devoid of any kind of woolly jumper attachment - for the eye-watering price of £360.

The idea is you can pair them with any kind of top - a shirt, a blazer, a t-shirt - to add a warm and snugly extra layer. This reporter is concerned that for that price though people are going to want at least the semblance of a sweater attached.

The entrepreneurial light bulb struck when she stumbled across a whole heap of old woollies discarded on the ground. She's snipped the arms off and now she's selling them here, "two sleeves for a pound", so us ordinary folk can grab an armful of this latest fashion fare.

The other excellent news is the top children's toys for Christmas 2018 list has been released by Argos and in the nick of time, wouldn't you agree? According to the catalogue-tastic store, unicorns are going to be massive this year.

My Lovely Unicorn Electric Ride-On and Poopsie the Unicorn, which (and the more delicate of you may want to turn away now) poops out glitter, feature high on the list, as does Paw Patrol's new rescue Fire Truck Playset and the latest Lego City Arctic Mobile Exploration Base.

This reporter declares the charge to secure your little people the absolute must-have Christmas toys well and truly on. She's got a few of those Poopsie Unicorns squirrelled away under her market stall, if you're interested.

Oh look there's quite a queue forming now. News about the sleeves must be spreading. They're looking quite angry though, some of these customers. Oh they're waving sleeveless jumpers in the air. So that pile did belong to the outdoor exercise class that was working out nearby.

Um, would you look after my stall for a minute please. This reporter's just got to, got to - see a man about a dog...

Chris Packham, the naturalist and Springwatch presenter, has warned that we are presiding over "an ecological apocalypse" and Britain is increasingly " a green and unpleasant land".

According to Packham, British people have normalised a "national catastrophe" and only see a wealth of wildlife in nature reserves whilst the wider countryside is bereft of life. He elaborated: "Nature reserves are becoming natural art installations. It's just like looking at your favourite Constable or Rothko. We go there, muse over it, and feel good because we've seen a bittern or some avocets or orchids. But on the journey home there's nothing - only wood pigeons and non-native pheasants and dead badgers on the side of the road".

Packham is not allowed to be political on Springwatch but declared after he stops filming he will be calling for a peaceful public uprising about this. "We need people to say we've had enough. We do that every time there's a terror attack. We need a similar movement for nature. We need people to stand up and say we want action now. We have the ability to fix our countryside."

This reporter concedes it is next to impossible to motivate the majority to care about an issue like this - she doubts there is a space in time where the viewers of Springwatch and Love Island overlap - but warns it won't be possible to pull a yellow flag iris or turtle dove out from under her market stall when nature's stocks get low.

When they're gone, they're gone.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Political Vanity and the Topshop Rust Dress

"Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the best reporter of them all?"

"This Reporter is all right, but the best reporter by far is..."

Smash!

Hello and welcome to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up and this week there is a distinct whiff of vanity in the air. From portraits and balloons, to TV shows and Google listings, without further ado - let the egos swell. Just beware the rusty nail.

Readers, This Reporter begins with the sensational news there has been a reason to be proud to be British this week, namely the rendition of Aretha Franklin's "Respect" by the Royal Welsh Guards at Buckingham Palace. The brass band version of the classic hit came as a surprise to passers-by at the changing of the guard and marked the day of the legendary soul singer's funeral in the most eccentric of British ways.

Crashing back down to earth with a bump and Parliament is back this week, with all eyes set on ensuring we make the smoothest and most p…

Carrot Fluff and the Leopard Print Evening Gown

PUBS have this week been told to stop serving "carrot fluff" to their customers and instead go back to good old-fashioned pub grub like bangers and mash. The hefty dollop of criticism came from "The Good Pub Guide" which decreed drinkers were being put off by baffling and pretentious menus.

"We don't want our dishes adorned with carrot fluff, edible sand or fish foam, leave that to the swanky restaurants", the Guide scolded. This Reporter reassures readers they won't find any carrot fluff in this week's news and style round-up. And yes she is using the food stuff as a metaphor. As always there will be plenty of those though, and a leopard print evening gown.

We kick off with the news two Russian military intelligence officers were behind the novichok poisonings in Salisbury -  with more than a suggestion the order of command came from top brass himself Vladimir Putin. Though he denies it, of course.

The "Perfume Poisoners" as This Re…

Impeachment, Scallop Wars and the School Blazer

Hello and welcome to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up. And isn't it curious how the fortunes of Britain and America appear to be in perfect accord, as the two greatest disasters in living memory - the election of Trump and the Brexit referendum - have reached an apocalyptic pinnacle this week. The question is, when will we have the time, or opportunity, to buy our new school blazer?

Because politicians are getting ready for a new school term at the exclusive, fee-paying establishment which is Westminster, and this is to be the equivalent of an exam - rather than a 'doss' - year. As a result they have been inflicted with an element of holiday homework, namely the reading up on the No Deal “information papers”, which the Government ummed and ahhed over releasing. For fear the nation would collectively wet itself.
This would have been quite the handy solution, but as to flooding the place, This Reporter has just one question – whether the Dealers or No Deale…

Brexit Spoiler Alert and the Autumn Brogues

WE'RE going to be getting the political miles in this week so there's no other thing for it. Time to purchase our autumn brogues. Welcome to This Reporter's news and style round-up.

And we begin with the blast from the past which is Gordon Brown. Like Harold from Neighbours, we thought we were shot of him, until he showed up years later with a spot of amnesia. Though Mr Brown's brain cogs appear to be firing on all mathematical cylinders, as he warned us this week we were in danger of "sleepwalking" into another financial crisis - if world leaders did not work together in acting on the lessons of 2008.

The trouble is the former Labour chancellor (and lest we forget - Prime Minister) was unable to say what would trigger it. This Reporter wouldn't like to presume - Gordon's the 'money whizz' - but how about the small matter we have come to call Brexit, as suggested by the Bank of England's Mark Carney this week.

Talking of which, the Governm…

Brexit Titanic, Bond and the Balenciaga Sweater

THE sartorial equivalent of an exploding tin of Alphabetti spaghetti has hit the fashion world this week with the resurgence of the 90s trend for big shouty designer logos emblazoned all over clothes. And This Reporter can see this as no co-incidence of timing, as we witness a political front scant in truth-telling or plain-speaking but instead besmirched by skulduggery, twiddle-twoddle and bare-faced lies. You'll see. Welcome to your news and style round-up.

First up on the news podium is Jeremy Corbyn and listen..."speech, speech, speech, speech". That's the cacophonous call from multiple sides this week for the Labour leader to formally address claims of anti-semitism, both personally, and within his party.

One journalist, Gary Younge, a columnist for The Guardian, has gone so far as to write a speech for him. The gist of it runs that Corbyn must own his past mistakes, but issue the plea he has been more often than not on the right side of history.

Whether Corbyn&…