Skip to main content

Shell suits, coleslaw and "Where's Boris?"

It comes to something when coleslaw is provoking heated discussion but that is indeed the case in what appears to be the greatest school dinner-related uprising of public contention since Jamie Oliver outlawed turkey twizzlers.

It all began when £24,000-a-year private girls' school St Paul's announced they were holding an austerity day which would see jacket potatoes served up for lunch. So far so 'tone deaf' responded critics of the move which was seen to be far removed from actually helping alleviate other children from economic difficulty.

But when it was revealed that the jacket potatoes were to be accompanied not only by baked beans but also a serving of coleslaw, the mood on Twitter became apoplectic. The mayonnaise-laced dish of shredded cabbage and carrot was deemed an absolute luxury for any school canteen on any given day and begged the question what the pupils of St Paul's were usually dining on? (Poached peacock).

Continuing on with an 'eateries' theme and Donald Trump has risen to his press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders defence, after she was kicked out of the Red Hen Restaurant in Lexington for lacking moral code, with all his usual pompous depravity by claiming the Red Hen is "dirty". He blasted: "The Red Hen Restaurant should focus more on cleaning its filthy canopies, doors and windows (badly needs a paint job) rather than refusing to serve a fine person like Sarah Huckabee Sanders. I always had a rule, " he added, "if a restaurant is dirty on the outside, it is dirty on the inside."

It took just 23 seconds, or thereabouts, for someone to syphon out and paste on Twitter an article slamming Trump's own Mar-a-Lago restaurant which appears to epitomise the term "dirty" after being found in breach of a plethora of health regulations including serving raw or undercooked fish, meat stored at unsafe temperatures and coolers filled with rusty shelves.

Not to be spotted in any kind of dinner queue, luxury, austerity or otherwise, was MP Boris Johnson who generated a "fun" note in British politics yesterday (Monday) when we all got to play a game of "Where's Boris" as we speculated over what possible pressing business could mean he was to be absent from the vote on Heathrow's third runway.

Opposition to this scheme not only secured him a place as London's mayor and a shoe-in for the Tory safe seat of Uxbridge, where constituents are firmly against Heathrow expansion, but Boris had pledged to chain himself to the bulldozer rather than let the new £14 billion runway project go ahead.

The "Where's Boris" game was brought to a disappointingly premature close however when someone uploaded a photo of Boris alongside foreign minister Hekmat Karzai in Afghanistan. And Boris has responded to calls for him to resign for failing to stand by one of his major policies by retorting it "would do no good" - except of course to get rid of Boris Johnson.

Parliament was "put on lockdown" as green-minded protesters, up in arms over the environmental impact of a third Heathrow runway, arguably did Boris' dirty work for him by lying down in the Westminster lobby in protest, but to no avail as the motion was passed by a whopping 415 votes to 119.

A further kick in the teeth for anyone with a modicum of care for the future of our planet, was the fact yesterday saw the defeat by government of "world first" plans for a £1.3 billion tidal lagoon in Swansea which would be a major source of renewable energy, but was deemed by MPs, ironically, to be too costly.

Finally, this reporter feels the announcement that 80s shell suits are making a return to the fashion stage to be poorly timed as she and her fellow humans battle a heatwave which has left her insides something around 33.3 per cent molten lava.

But we must press on in the name of style and force our over-heated limbs into any of the offerings from the catwalk. Perhaps the one from Gucci emblazoned with flames crafted from crystal - as this reporter believes being stuffed into one would leave her feeling like a turkey ready for roasting at Christmas, or perhaps ready to be twizzled for St Paul's next austerity dinner.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Laundrettes, Brexit Beano and the Valentino throw-back mini dress

"You spin me right round, baby right round like a record, baby round round round round." Oh hello there. I'll just turn the radio down. I'm at the laundrette, washing my clothes. Because we're all going to be doing this soon. Using laundrettes that is. They are popping back up everywhere. Perhaps not so much this side of the M25 but nevertheless, this is the future when it comes to washing, according to those in the fashion know. Not perhaps as we once knew it. Carrier bags full of dirty washing self-consciously flung into big bellied washers, Dot Cotton-esque laundry assistants greeting you with a box of cheap soap suds, fag hanging out of mouth. It's all gone just that little bit chicer. Hermes have launched a Hermesmatic laundrette service complete with bright orange, Instagrammable, machines specially to launder and service their Hermes silk scarves. Other brands are following suit, with the denim brand American Eagle opening a concept store and free

Cocktail rings, the sexist book prize and feel good children's literature

"Thundercats are on the move, Thundercats are loose..." Hello and welcome to the past where suit-clad dinosaurs roam the earth, sexism reigns supreme and women are castigated for stating the bleedin' obvious. There is a silver lining, of sorts. We get to wear cocktail rings again. So first to the good news, and as this reporter was saying, cocktail rings are making a comeback, big time. The fashion pack has declared an end to minimalist jewellery and instead the mantra is very much "go big or go home". The rings, which usually feature a colourful gem like an emerald, have been given a mighty great boost in popularity again since the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, wore Princess Diana's Aquamarine cocktail ring to her evening wedding celebrations. Try the Ophelia cocktail ring , available from Aspinal, for size. But whatever your choice, do ensure the gem is sufficiently gargantuan that its light shines as brightly as the ruby in the Thundercats'

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

Pig stalkers, BoJo's Jet and the Zara contrast print dress

Socks off. Do you remember the childhood rhyme which runs: "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home..."? You do. Well this story is the remixed version. A man in America called the police when a 'persistent pig' followed him home from a train station, it is reported. He called the North Ridgeville Police Station in Ohio at 5.26am on Saturday claiming the pig was following him and, understandably, the officers thought he must be inebriated (the man that is, not the pig). However, on arriving at the 'scene' they found a completely sober man who was indeed being followed by a piggy stalker. One of the officers managed to 'coerce' the pig into his police car (no jokes please) and brought the pig back to the station where he was locked in one of the dog kennels. The pig has since been reunited with his owner. Time for some news headlines and today it has been announced Sweden has distributed a 'be prepared for war