Skip to main content

The Kim/Trump meeting, crime fighter Cumberbatch and the Nike Fanny Pack Slides

This reporter declares she takes her eye off the news for a mere week and the world has gone stark raving, round-the-twist bonkers (or certainly a few shades further up the bonkers scale it was already quite jollily ascending).

With reality TV stars attempting to run the show globally and the actual real-life Sherlock Holmes crime fighting on London's streets, we have as good as fallen down the rabbit hole and landed head first in Willy Wonka's loony juice. However, seeing as we're all here, let's dive all the way to the bottom and take a closer look.

Our first story quite frankly reaches the absolute pinnacle of current societal mood, which favours bolshy fame seekers of negligible talent over the quietly naturally gifted.

We have already seen how well that goes with current President of the United States Donald Trump. But undeterred we now have entering stage left, reality TV star Kim Kardashian who appears to be channelling actress Angelina Jolie in her attempt to  "make the world a better place" whilst sitting pretty on her pot of gold.

In case you missed it, Ms Kardashian met with President Trump recently to call for a pardon on Alice Marie Johnson, a 63-year-old grandmother serving a life sentence for a first time non-violent drug offence. Kim proclaimed she was bored of superficial purchases and wanted to move on to do good works.

Trump proudly posted a photo of himself sat behind his big desk with an austere Kim K by his side, proclaiming: "Great meeting with @KimKardashian today, talked about prison reform and sentencing".

If all had not reached peaked madness by this point, we then hear that Sherlock star Benedict Cumberbatch has helped fight off a gang of thugs as they attacked a Deliveroo cyclist just a stone's throw from the famous detective's stomping ground of Baker Street.

It is reported the 41-year-old actor leaped out of the back of the Uber he was travelling through London in and pulled the hooligans off the cyclist, shouting "Leave him alone". The gang scarpered, probably on realising they were dealing with Sherlock Holmes. Of the attack, Mr Cumberbatch said: "I did it out of, well, I had to, you know..." Do we, Benedict, do we? The plot thickens.

Let's have a shot of today's news headlines to sober us up a bit. And nothing can be more sobering than the news of leaked Whitehall documents which predict "Armageddon" should there be a No Deal Brexit. The port at Dover will collapse on day one, the supermarkets of Cornwall and Scotland will run out of food within a couple of days and hospitals will run out of medicines within two weeks according to the rosy picture painted by just the second to worst case scenario drawn up by those "no good" civil servants.

Conservative MP and staunch Brexiteer Jacob Rees-Mogg has called it "project fear on speed". Now there's as good a reason as any to believe it. But don't panic, major Tory Donor and Leave campaigner Crispin Odley has the solution. He thinks Michael Gove should be installed as the new Tory leader in place of Theresa May who has proved "she cannot carry Brexit through".

Odley declares Brexit needs a bolder approach by someone who is not afraid to break EU rules and forcibly put what we want on the table. He believes Gove is the man to do this and describes him as the only minister "who is still being a minister", who understands to be successful you need a broad appeal, not just amongst the wealthy. This reporter concludes Odley may be delusional about Gove.

So how do we feel? A little better? A little more status quo. Hang on, what on earth is that being flung onto my news desk? Is it a bag, is it a shoe? No by Jove, it's actually both. The new Nike Fanny Pack Slides.

It is true, the weirdness never ends as Nike have proved with this new "innovation" which sees a bum bag-style compartment strapped across the front of this year's must-have sandal. The fashion press have displayed what this reporter can only perceive as a dis-proportional amount of excitement over this quite ugly shoe, which they cheer will enable wearers to go out and about sans bag and hands free this summer.

This reporter declares women on a night out learnt the art of secreting taxi money and other necessities about their person many years ago. Just think Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. But there was no need for Nike to make the whole thing official. This would be the best time for a Cumberbatch-style shout of "run for the hills" but running is no mean feat in sliders.





Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Political Vanity and the Topshop Rust Dress

"Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the best reporter of them all?"

"This Reporter is all right, but the best reporter by far is..."

Smash!

Hello and welcome to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up and this week there is a distinct whiff of vanity in the air. From portraits and balloons, to TV shows and Google listings, without further ado - let the egos swell. Just beware the rusty nail.

Readers, This Reporter begins with the sensational news there has been a reason to be proud to be British this week, namely the rendition of Aretha Franklin's "Respect" by the Royal Welsh Guards at Buckingham Palace. The brass band version of the classic hit came as a surprise to passers-by at the changing of the guard and marked the day of the legendary soul singer's funeral in the most eccentric of British ways.

Crashing back down to earth with a bump and Parliament is back this week, with all eyes set on ensuring we make the smoothest and most p…

Carrot Fluff and the Leopard Print Evening Gown

PUBS have this week been told to stop serving "carrot fluff" to their customers and instead go back to good old-fashioned pub grub like bangers and mash. The hefty dollop of criticism came from "The Good Pub Guide" which decreed drinkers were being put off by baffling and pretentious menus.

"We don't want our dishes adorned with carrot fluff, edible sand or fish foam, leave that to the swanky restaurants", the Guide scolded. This Reporter reassures readers they won't find any carrot fluff in this week's news and style round-up. And yes she is using the food stuff as a metaphor. As always there will be plenty of those though, and a leopard print evening gown.

We kick off with the news two Russian military intelligence officers were behind the novichok poisonings in Salisbury -  with more than a suggestion the order of command came from top brass himself Vladimir Putin. Though he denies it, of course.

The "Perfume Poisoners" as This Re…

Impeachment, Scallop Wars and the School Blazer

Hello and welcome to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up. And isn't it curious how the fortunes of Britain and America appear to be in perfect accord, as the two greatest disasters in living memory - the election of Trump and the Brexit referendum - have reached an apocalyptic pinnacle this week. The question is, when will we have the time, or opportunity, to buy our new school blazer?

Because politicians are getting ready for a new school term at the exclusive, fee-paying establishment which is Westminster, and this is to be the equivalent of an exam - rather than a 'doss' - year. As a result they have been inflicted with an element of holiday homework, namely the reading up on the No Deal “information papers”, which the Government ummed and ahhed over releasing. For fear the nation would collectively wet itself.
This would have been quite the handy solution, but as to flooding the place, This Reporter has just one question – whether the Dealers or No Deale…

Brexit Spoiler Alert and the Autumn Brogues

WE'RE going to be getting the political miles in this week so there's no other thing for it. Time to purchase our autumn brogues. Welcome to This Reporter's news and style round-up.

And we begin with the blast from the past which is Gordon Brown. Like Harold from Neighbours, we thought we were shot of him, until he showed up years later with a spot of amnesia. Though Mr Brown's brain cogs appear to be firing on all mathematical cylinders, as he warned us this week we were in danger of "sleepwalking" into another financial crisis - if world leaders did not work together in acting on the lessons of 2008.

The trouble is the former Labour chancellor (and lest we forget - Prime Minister) was unable to say what would trigger it. This Reporter wouldn't like to presume - Gordon's the 'money whizz' - but how about the small matter we have come to call Brexit, as suggested by the Bank of England's Mark Carney this week.

Talking of which, the Governm…

Brexit Titanic, Bond and the Balenciaga Sweater

THE sartorial equivalent of an exploding tin of Alphabetti spaghetti has hit the fashion world this week with the resurgence of the 90s trend for big shouty designer logos emblazoned all over clothes. And This Reporter can see this as no co-incidence of timing, as we witness a political front scant in truth-telling or plain-speaking but instead besmirched by skulduggery, twiddle-twoddle and bare-faced lies. You'll see. Welcome to your news and style round-up.

First up on the news podium is Jeremy Corbyn and listen..."speech, speech, speech, speech". That's the cacophonous call from multiple sides this week for the Labour leader to formally address claims of anti-semitism, both personally, and within his party.

One journalist, Gary Younge, a columnist for The Guardian, has gone so far as to write a speech for him. The gist of it runs that Corbyn must own his past mistakes, but issue the plea he has been more often than not on the right side of history.

Whether Corbyn&…