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Showing posts from July, 2018

Burberry bonfires, Black Mirror Brexit (and a "guest")

Welcome to This Reporter's 'Ye Olde Fashioned Sweet Shop' where news headlines are carefully weighed up and parcelled into jolly candy striped bags. Come in and peruse the jars of gobstoppers, humbugs and political dib dabs, 'til you're left riding high on a crest of toxically pleasing e numbers.

Let's get stuck in and first up we have the buoyant tale of the Trump baby balloon going on tour. After its hugely successful omnipresence at the London protest march, the blimp is jetting off to Trump's homeland, where it will take to skies above rallies in New Jersey and the East Coast. As the saying goes, what goes on tour stays on tour, but This Reporter requests we have it back - for weddings and bar mitzvahs.

Labour MP Dame Margaret Hodge faces "action" after calling Jeremy Corbyn "an anti-semitic racist". (The jury is out whether she added an expletive.) Dame Margaret - whose relatives died in the holocaust- reacted with fury after Labour…

'Shade' brooches and Trump derangement syndrome

Last call for the Elon Musk submarine. And this is your captain, This Reporter, speaking, urging you all to fasten your seat belts and pin your 'shade' brooches onto your lapels - for this, our, now weekly plunge into the news headlines. It's going to be something of a bumpy ride.

First up, please be upstanding (but don't knock off your head) for the President of the United States, who is going to give us a formal address on UK/US trading. He says: "They make phenomenal things, you know, and you have different names - you can say "England", you can say "UK", you can say "United Kingdom" so many different - you know you have, you have so many different names ".

Donald Trump there, proving IQ is nothing but a number, as he well and truly blazed a skid mark of devastation across our country over the weekend. It would be a simpler task to list who he did not offend but most sympathy has gone out to Her Majesty who people railed is &q…

Victoria Beckham's camouflage t-shirt and one-nil to Donald Trump

This reporter doesn't wish to panic anyone, but she's lost Victoria Beckham.

There we were playing an innocent game of hide and seek and this reporter did say to her, Vicky, this is surely all going to end in tears, with you in your fancy new camouflage t-shirt. But would she listen?

Off she scampered over the fields like a carefree billy goat, leaving this reporter to count to ten. The question is what is this reporter going to say to David? He'll be back any minute. He's just been down at Harper's school balancing bean bags on his head in the father's race.

This reporter better elaborate. You see, the 'big' news is Victoria Beckham has ditched her signature white t-shirt for a camouflage one for her new season's collection and whilst it might be stylish in a 90's, we're all in All Saints now, kind of way, it is potentially the worst item of clothing to wear when playing hide and seek.

Let's journey on to the news and maybe Victoria wil…

The magically transforming tie-dye waistcoat and football's not coming home

Tie-dye - the preserve of 90s glow-stick waving ravers - has been spotted on the catwalks of Michael Kors and Dior. Thus officially, it is a 'trend'.

Here's this reporter's crafty guide to making your own tie-dye vest - complete with magical transformative powers. Let's get stuck in...

Purloin (by legal means) a plain white vest. Fill up a bucket with dye (your choice of colour - this reporter's gone for shocking pink). Take marbles and tie them, with string, into little marble pouches all over your vest. These will become the tie-dye 'splats' (official term).

With aid of a stick or other long and wieldy utensil, lower your vest into the bucket of dye. Leave to soak for as long as it takes this reporter to regale you with today's news headlines.

Here they are. And pray silence for the England team who were beaten by Croatia in the semi-finals of the World Cup, 2-1 in extra time. Meaning our dreams of 'football coming home' are well and truly…

Transparent trousers, the Trump baby balloon and a six-year-old burger

Donald Trump's visit to the UK is imminent but this reporter, as ever, has a cunning plan - involving transparent trousers, a six-year-old McDonald's burger and the giant Trump baby balloon.

She will explain.

You see, transparent trousers are being hailed a, somewhat sweaty, summer fashion trend. Made up of two legs of what pretends to be nothing short of plastic sheeting, the trousers are, in this reporter's opinion, more an excuse to show off your pants in a vaguely acceptable way than any true style statement.

However, this reporter is far more interested in their invisibility capabilities. In her mind, invisible trousers mean invisible legs. She plans to don these and paint her top half to resemble a fluffy white cloud and take flight by holding onto the string of the Trump baby balloon.

This six metre article, complete with giant white nappy and bright orange perma-tan, was originally banned from flying over London in protest of Trump's visit, but following a peti…

The satin maxi dress, Boris' wine fridge and God save the Queen

Well

Quite

Extraordinary

To mark the occasion, this reporter has got on her satin maxi dress from & Other Stories, as recommended by Vogue, who declare satin is a viable fabric for day wear now. This reporter has dressed it down with her scuffed lace-up brogues, as also insisted on by the fashion mag, and accessorised with a gold chain. Which just so happens to be the chain from an old bath plug - with said bath plug still attached. Fetching, this reporter is sure you'll agree.

So on with the 'deluge' of news and Boris Johnson has fluttered down from his perch as Foreign Minister with hopes of Phoenix-like rebirth as Prime Minister. "Fat chance Boris".

This reporter's favourite moment yesterday was when Boris went awol, again, for a bit. Several hours late for a meeting at camp Westminster, BBC reporters decided to recce over to Boris' house where they delivered "on the ground" reports of a removal-style van, either shipping Boris' stuff…

Big Brexit House in the Country and Vetements glow in the dark trainers

Readers - the news is cracking on apace. What with Big Brexit House in the Country, four out in Thai Cave Rescue, England going through to the World Cup semi-final and breaking: David Davis exiting Brexit, we must dive in without further dismay, sorry, delay.

And it had been looking surprisingly (suspiciously) good for our Prime Minister Theresa May when all her Cabinet agreed to her soft, cherry-picked, have your cake and eat it, Brexit during an away day at her country pad, Chequers, on Friday.

Bar the slight technicality that this was exactly the sort of plan the EU had warned they would reject out of hand and the fact Mrs May had threatened her ministers with having to take public transport home should they fight against her "collective responsibility" whip, the most Mrs May had to deal with was Boris Johnson saying "well you can't polish a turd" and even that was ambiguous in its direction - whether a comment on the Brexit plan or Mrs May herself.

In manne…

Hello Kitty, Novichok and traffic-stopping sandals

Kon'nichiwa, nyusu ni yokoso, or, to this reporter's non-Japanese speaking friends - hello, and welcome to the news.

And would you Adam and Eve it, Japan is the first stop-off on today's journey, to discuss their Hello Kitty bullet train. Never fear, you have not become embroiled in one of this reporter's umami-induced anxiety dreams. This is real-life news in Japan.

Over the next three months, you can take a trip across the western reaches of this comic-book loving country on the pink and white Hello Kitty bullet train, complete with Hello Kitty-themed carriages and a life-sized Hello Kitty conductress (not one to meet down a dark alley, admittedly).

The hope is the hugely popular feline cartoon character will bring in masses of tourists. And no doubt, once done, the train will be cleaned until sparkling and packed neatly away - in manner of the Japanese changing room when they exited the World Cup, complete with paw-print stamped thank-you note.

The news headlines ar…

Skirts, sandwiches and languid dresses

Ask anyone what constitutes the most they'll pay for a sandwich and the answer is unequivocal - £3.99. This is despite reports of the world's most expensive sandwich - the Osaki wagu beef sarnie, served up at Don Wagu in New York City, setting you back £140.

Of course there will be the usual subversive who pipes up about the melt in the mouth quality of the beef and the fact it comes in its own wooden box. But on the whole, we have clarity on the matter. When you start talking about three figures for what constitutes a bit of fridge stuff parceled up between two slices of bread, we're in agreement - that is much too much.

If only we could have the same clear-thinking when it comes to skirts - in particular who should be sandwiched into them.

We like to think we're an enlightened nation since David Walliams brought out "The Boy in the Dress" but with tens upon tens of primary schools banning the skirt, in the name of progress, and Formula 1 racing driver Louis…

The boozy ice-cream van, Thai cave rescue and the crochet craze

A screech of brakes, a crunch of bumper meets bollard. The Shaggy mega mix - which is this boozy ice-cream van's jingle - whirls to a sickening halt.

Now, this reporter must interject here and state she does not condone drink driving - from either ice-cream van drivers or any other citizens - indeed it has been officially found to be dangerous and illegal.

However, at the news that alcohol-filled ice-lollies were becoming an increasingly popular 'thing', this reporter couldn't help but indulge herself in visions of the booze cruise ice-cream van. Around the villages and towns it would go, grown-ups argy barging their way to the front of the queue to claim their mojito popsicles.

The boozy ice-cream van may be a fixture of this reporter's imagination but ice-lollies made from alcohol are certainly not. Apparently the ice-lolly industry has been suffering something of a dip in sales over recent years and manufacturers hope appealing to the adult market with flavours …

Danny Dyer, the Fart Act and yolk yellow

Put your trotters up. It's time for the news.

And the story which jostles its way to the top of the conversation pool - like a particularly buoyant submarine - is Danny Dyer's Brexit rant.

Now this reporter does apologise to anyone of a more sensitive disposition as the following tete-a-tete does contain some 'cuss' words but it is these, delivered in an unfettered, spittle-infused, slightly "lager lager, mega mega white thing" manner, which has caused the nation to take the fake landlord of the Queen Vic to their battle-scarred hearts.

Chatting on "Good Evening Britain" - a spin off of "Good Morning Britain" hosted by Piers Morgan and Susanna Reid - actor Danny Dyer was nestled on the sofa between Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn and former Baywatch star and 90s pin-up Pamela Anderson - and we could just stop all this right there and ponder on that tableau for the foreseeable - but we simply do not have time.

Questioned about Brexit, Dyer said…