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Burberry bonfires, Black Mirror Brexit (and a "guest")

Welcome to This Reporter's 'Ye Olde Fashioned Sweet Shop' where news headlines are carefully weighed up and parcelled into jolly candy striped bags. Come in and peruse the jars of gobstoppers, humbugs and political dib dabs, 'til you're left riding high on a crest of toxically pleasing e numbers.

Let's get stuck in and first up we have the buoyant tale of the Trump baby balloon going on tour. After its hugely successful omnipresence at the London protest march, the blimp is jetting off to Trump's homeland, where it will take to skies above rallies in New Jersey and the East Coast. As the saying goes, what goes on tour stays on tour, but This Reporter requests we have it back - for weddings and bar mitzvahs.

Labour MP Dame Margaret Hodge faces "action" after calling Jeremy Corbyn "an anti-semitic racist". (The jury is out whether she added an expletive.) Dame Margaret - whose relatives died in the holocaust- reacted with fury after Labour failed to adopt the full definition of anti-semitism into its party code.

MP Yvette Cooper tweeted: "If our party is going to deal with anti-semitism it has to listen to, not launch ludicrous action against Margaret Hodge". Quite.

Former foreign secretary Boris Johnson is this week still "squatting" in the Foreign Office mansion despite resigning, and will, apparently, be seeing out the rest of July there at taxpayers expense.

Whilst Donald Trump, when not busy inviting Russia's Vladimir Putin over to the White House to play - or threatening Iran with the CAPS LOCK on - has been rumbled by a tape capturing him talking about paying off a Playboy model he had an extra-marital dalliance with. Trump responded on Twitter: "The good news is your favourite President did nothing wrong". Flawed, on so many levels.

A gigantic row broke out in Parliament when it emerged Tory MP Brandon Lewis broke his "pairing" agreement with Labour MP Jo Swinson, who is on maternity leave, over the knife edge vote on the customs union.

Mrs May publicly announced it had been a simple "mistake" but it has since emerged her chief whip Julian Smith told Mr Lewis to vote despite his voting partner being absent, as it was going to be a close run thing. There have been calls for Mr Smith's resignation, whilst Mrs May currently sports a nose like Pinocchio.

British designer Burberry has been burning millions of pounds worth of excess stock on gigantic bonfires to stop the brand being 'devalued' - a perfectly acceptable plan, when compared to Brexit, which is now the benchmark for all nonsensical ideas. Which leads us nicely to...

...the Brexit blooper reel and we turn first to the lip-reading gold which happened after Tory MP Andrea Jenkyns demanded of Mrs May: "At what point was it decided that Brexit means remain?" Philip Hammond is quite clearly caught commenting "stupid woman" whilst Sajid Javid potentially (hopefully), mutters: "she just killed us".

A sign on the toilet door at the House of Commons reads: "If we can't fix a toilet in six weeks, what are our chances of negotiating Brexit in eight months? Just asking."

Whilst the German translation of the Chequer's White Paper has garnered immense ridicule for being completely "unreadable". Those in the know - Germans in this instance - state it is written in a strange "archaic" language featuring made-up words. Good oh.

Not quite so "laughsome" is the news Mrs May has waved off the first truck load of No Deal information bundles, to prepare us all for a "disorderly Brexit". (At this rate more than likely, as new Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt declares it could happen by "accident" - whoops.) The bundle includes warnings on disruption at ports and airports and information on stockpiling food and medicine.

Is it just This Reporter, but this isn't overly sounding like the start of the glorious future the hard Brexiteers have been bragging about. Labour MP David Lammy agrees. He spoke on Twitter: "This is becoming like a shit episode of Black Mirror. We should not be preparing for No Deal, we should be avoiding it at all costs".

When not muttering to himself in Parliament, Home Secretary Sajid Javid has confirmed the UK will not demand a "death penalty assurance" for the two IS Beatles - Alexanda Kotey and El Shafee Alsheikh. To the best of This Reporter's understanding, whilst this is not the equivalent of "crack on mate", it does mean the UK will not stand in the way of the execution of the two former British citizens for terrorism in the US.

Many have said this signifies a relaxing of the UK's stance towards the death penalty. This Reporter replies: "au naturellement". This is not a quirk of timing. This is merely paving the way towards our exit from the European Union. Not to seem obsessed with the topic (This Reporter is, rather) but anyone who speaks against it - once Brexit comes along - well it's obvious isn't it? It's going to be "off with your head".

MAJOR blog invasion alert...
Hello Britain. This is Prime Minister Theresa May typing. I've gatecrashed This Reporter's blog to let you know, what she has been remiss in saying, Parliament is going on its summer holiday!

But never fear, my wonderful MPs will be working themselves to the bone on mini breaks around the EU to get support for my Chequer's Brexit plan.

(Looks shiftily around) Now between you and me we all know I'm not in favour of Brexit and I know it's not even the will of the people - that you all realise it's a load of canine fecal matter but (sits smartly up at the computer) I am the Prime Minister and I've always wanted to do this job and... you know what, that's not even it.

The fact is they've got me over a barrel. It's worse than the wheat field. I know I shouldn't have done it but they say they'll tell if I don't deliver Brexit. So - it's on with the show (please send help). Yours Theresa.

Readers, This Reporter fears we've all had one too many coconut mushrooms - because this can't be real life, can it? Time for a lie down.

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