Skip to main content

Burberry bonfires, Black Mirror Brexit (and a "guest")

Welcome to This Reporter's 'Ye Olde Fashioned Sweet Shop' where news headlines are carefully weighed up and parcelled into jolly candy striped bags. Come in and peruse the jars of gobstoppers, humbugs and political dib dabs, 'til you're left riding high on a crest of toxically pleasing e numbers.

Let's get stuck in and first up we have the buoyant tale of the Trump baby balloon going on tour. After its hugely successful omnipresence at the London protest march, the blimp is jetting off to Trump's homeland, where it will take to skies above rallies in New Jersey and the East Coast. As the saying goes, what goes on tour stays on tour, but This Reporter requests we have it back - for weddings and bar mitzvahs.

Labour MP Dame Margaret Hodge faces "action" after calling Jeremy Corbyn "an anti-semitic racist". (The jury is out whether she added an expletive.) Dame Margaret - whose relatives died in the holocaust- reacted with fury after Labour failed to adopt the full definition of anti-semitism into its party code.

MP Yvette Cooper tweeted: "If our party is going to deal with anti-semitism it has to listen to, not launch ludicrous action against Margaret Hodge". Quite.

Former foreign secretary Boris Johnson is this week still "squatting" in the Foreign Office mansion despite resigning, and will, apparently, be seeing out the rest of July there at taxpayers expense.

Whilst Donald Trump, when not busy inviting Russia's Vladimir Putin over to the White House to play - or threatening Iran with the CAPS LOCK on - has been rumbled by a tape capturing him talking about paying off a Playboy model he had an extra-marital dalliance with. Trump responded on Twitter: "The good news is your favourite President did nothing wrong". Flawed, on so many levels.

A gigantic row broke out in Parliament when it emerged Tory MP Brandon Lewis broke his "pairing" agreement with Labour MP Jo Swinson, who is on maternity leave, over the knife edge vote on the customs union.

Mrs May publicly announced it had been a simple "mistake" but it has since emerged her chief whip Julian Smith told Mr Lewis to vote despite his voting partner being absent, as it was going to be a close run thing. There have been calls for Mr Smith's resignation, whilst Mrs May currently sports a nose like Pinocchio.

British designer Burberry has been burning millions of pounds worth of excess stock on gigantic bonfires to stop the brand being 'devalued' - a perfectly acceptable plan, when compared to Brexit, which is now the benchmark for all nonsensical ideas. Which leads us nicely to...

...the Brexit blooper reel and we turn first to the lip-reading gold which happened after Tory MP Andrea Jenkyns demanded of Mrs May: "At what point was it decided that Brexit means remain?" Philip Hammond is quite clearly caught commenting "stupid woman" whilst Sajid Javid potentially (hopefully), mutters: "she just killed us".

A sign on the toilet door at the House of Commons reads: "If we can't fix a toilet in six weeks, what are our chances of negotiating Brexit in eight months? Just asking."

Whilst the German translation of the Chequer's White Paper has garnered immense ridicule for being completely "unreadable". Those in the know - Germans in this instance - state it is written in a strange "archaic" language featuring made-up words. Good oh.

Not quite so "laughsome" is the news Mrs May has waved off the first truck load of No Deal information bundles, to prepare us all for a "disorderly Brexit". (At this rate more than likely, as new Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt declares it could happen by "accident" - whoops.) The bundle includes warnings on disruption at ports and airports and information on stockpiling food and medicine.

Is it just This Reporter, but this isn't overly sounding like the start of the glorious future the hard Brexiteers have been bragging about. Labour MP David Lammy agrees. He spoke on Twitter: "This is becoming like a shit episode of Black Mirror. We should not be preparing for No Deal, we should be avoiding it at all costs".

When not muttering to himself in Parliament, Home Secretary Sajid Javid has confirmed the UK will not demand a "death penalty assurance" for the two IS Beatles - Alexanda Kotey and El Shafee Alsheikh. To the best of This Reporter's understanding, whilst this is not the equivalent of "crack on mate", it does mean the UK will not stand in the way of the execution of the two former British citizens for terrorism in the US.

Many have said this signifies a relaxing of the UK's stance towards the death penalty. This Reporter replies: "au naturellement". This is not a quirk of timing. This is merely paving the way towards our exit from the European Union. Not to seem obsessed with the topic (This Reporter is, rather) but anyone who speaks against it - once Brexit comes along - well it's obvious isn't it? It's going to be "off with your head".

MAJOR blog invasion alert...
Hello Britain. This is Prime Minister Theresa May typing. I've gatecrashed This Reporter's blog to let you know, what she has been remiss in saying, Parliament is going on its summer holiday!

But never fear, my wonderful MPs will be working themselves to the bone on mini breaks around the EU to get support for my Chequer's Brexit plan.

(Looks shiftily around) Now between you and me we all know I'm not in favour of Brexit and I know it's not even the will of the people - that you all realise it's a load of canine fecal matter but (sits smartly up at the computer) I am the Prime Minister and I've always wanted to do this job and... you know what, that's not even it.

The fact is they've got me over a barrel. It's worse than the wheat field. I know I shouldn't have done it but they say they'll tell if I don't deliver Brexit. So - it's on with the show (please send help). Yours Theresa.

Readers, This Reporter fears we've all had one too many coconut mushrooms - because this can't be real life, can it? Time for a lie down.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020.

The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up.
Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people.
A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions.
In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives This R…

Pig stalkers, BoJo's Jet and the Zara contrast print dress

Socks off.

Do you remember the childhood rhyme which runs: "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home..."? You do. Well this story is the remixed version.

A man in America called the police when a 'persistent pig' followed him home from a train station, it is reported.

He called the North Ridgeville Police Station in Ohio at 5.26am on Saturday claiming the pig was following him and, understandably, the officers thought he must be inebriated (the man that is, not the pig).

However, on arriving at the 'scene' they found a completely sober man who was indeed being followed by a piggy stalker. One of the officers managed to 'coerce' the pig into his police car (no jokes please) and brought the pig back to the station where he was locked in one of the dog kennels. The pig has since been reunited with his owner.

Time for some news headlines and today it has been announced Sweden has distributed a 'be prepared for war' leafle…

Pizza Express and Boris Johnson's 99 problems, but the ditch ain't one

THE MAJOR talking point of the week has been whether Pizza Express is set to go down the swanny. The pizza restaurant chain known, according to This Reporter's private lexicon, as "posh Pizza Hut" revealed it is currently battling £1.1billion worth of debt, which equates to a mammoth £1.6million per restaurant, and in turn, a heck of a lot of dough balls.
The plight of Pizza Express follows on from the news of Thomas Cook going under in the last few weeks and historically matches the tales of woe experienced by high street stalwarts BHS and Woolworths, which are alas no more but, especially in the case of Woolworths, still much bereaved.
Where else, This Reporter ponders could you buy a pick 'n' mix, a cassette tape of Ant and Dec's "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" and a toilet brush in one fell swoop?
Which leads to a serious piece of social commentary, which This Reporter has been keeping under her hat to be revealed at an appropriate time - deemed…

TV Presenter Phillip Schofield announces he is gay and a fox runs amok in Parliament

FROM TV presenter Phillip Schofield announcing he is gay, to the fox who ran amok through the Houses of Parliament, This Reporter brings you the news headlines on Friday 7th February 2020.
Phillip Schofield, the co-presenter of ITV's This Morning programme but who leapt to fame in the broom cupboard, has come out as gay. In a statement released on This Morning's Twitter account, the presenter, who has been married to his wife for almost 27 years, paid tribute to his family. He said: "With the strength and support of my wife and my daughters, I have been coming to terms with the fact that I am gay". He wrote about his "inner conflict" but at the same time talked of  "a world that has changed so much for the better." He added: “Every day on This Morning, I sit in awe of those who have been brave and open in confronting their truth - so now it's my turn to share mine". Schofield married Stephanie Lowe in 1993 and they have two adult daughters, Mo…

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020.

A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it.
But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people'…