Last call for the Elon Musk submarine. And this is your captain, This Reporter, speaking, urging you all to fasten your seat belts and pin your 'shade' brooches onto your lapels - for this, our, now weekly plunge into the news headlines. It's going to be something of a bumpy ride.
First up, please be upstanding (but don't knock off your head) for the President of the United States, who is going to give us a formal address on UK/US trading. He says: "They make phenomenal things, you know, and you have different names - you can say "England", you can say "UK", you can say "United Kingdom" so many different - you know you have, you have so many different names ".
Donald Trump there, proving IQ is nothing but a number, as he well and truly blazed a skid mark of devastation across our country over the weekend. It would be a simpler task to list who he did not offend but most sympathy has gone out to Her Majesty who people railed is "a 92-year-old woman" as he walked in front of her during a checking out of the Royal Guard and made the official photocall, a bit of a bummer.
As for Queenie, not so much a lady in her dotage, but according to conspiracy, a sassy woman throwing 'shade' at Trump through her brooch collection - wearing the brooch her mum wore to her dad's funeral, to tea with Trump - no doubt to mark the 'cheery' occasion.
What was Trump's take on the shenanigans, which saw 25 squillion protesters take to the streets of the United Kingdom, Britain, England, UK? "There were plenty of people out there protesting for me", he declared. Because protesting 'for' a person is absolutely a thing.
Unfurl the periscope, we're striking out into deeper water and what's this - Elon Musk, the American billionaire inventor, has called one of the heroic Thai cave rescue divers a "paedophile", after he turned down his offer of using the "Musk International Rescue" submarine.
It appears Elon may have a touch of the green-eyed monster as he wields around a term, which can no longer be wielded without a catalogue of comprehensive evidence, of which there is absolutely, none.
Glug, glug, glug...
Trump's back and accused of "treason" after meeting with Russia's President, Vladimir Putin. And of course the question on everyone's lips was would he confront his 'pal' over allegations Russia had meddled in the American Presidential election? He did - hurrah - but not in the way we hoped - oh no - as he formally announced Putin had been "extremely strong and powerful in his denial" and that would/wouldn't be good enough for him.
Officials declared Trump was putting Putin's word above his own intelligence agencies. Meanwhile Arnold Schwarzenegger branded him a "wet fanboy noodle". Feeling a little sick? That will be the "Trump derangement syndrome".
This Reporter concedes of course Trump doesn't want to admit the only reason he is President is because Putin essentially put him there, but further - shouldn't we be very afraid of what Trump's misplaced allegiance could spell for the future of the world? This is not a time for segmentation - we are not an orange. We must hug our allies closer.
Brexit-shaped iceberg up ahead. And where to even start with this one? There we were thinking at least we finally had a Brexit plan, written down on actual paper. Only for Prime Minister Theresa May to bow down to Jacob Rees-Mogg (PM de facto) and agree to amendments which - let's make no bones about it - alter the Chequer's plan beyond all recognition.
Throw in the Electoral Commission's official findings that the Vote Leave campaign did indeed break voting law, add yet more threats of 'a vote of no confidence', and you would think Mrs May would be desperate to take up the call for a second referendum - to chuck this whole sorry mess out for the people to decide.
Not so. Instead she agrees, and then disagrees, to take a vote on closing Parliament down early for the summer to save her sorry a**.
This Reporter declares women and children to the lifeboats as this ship is going down. But oh look, there goes the last one, steered by Boris Johnson. "It's not too late" he calls over his rapidly retreating shoulder.
Will we all be drowned in the deep political Atlantic or will Kate Winslet finally make room on the raft? Tough call.
Shall we take a vote on it?
First up, please be upstanding (but don't knock off your head) for the President of the United States, who is going to give us a formal address on UK/US trading. He says: "They make phenomenal things, you know, and you have different names - you can say "England", you can say "UK", you can say "United Kingdom" so many different - you know you have, you have so many different names ".
Donald Trump there, proving IQ is nothing but a number, as he well and truly blazed a skid mark of devastation across our country over the weekend. It would be a simpler task to list who he did not offend but most sympathy has gone out to Her Majesty who people railed is "a 92-year-old woman" as he walked in front of her during a checking out of the Royal Guard and made the official photocall, a bit of a bummer.
As for Queenie, not so much a lady in her dotage, but according to conspiracy, a sassy woman throwing 'shade' at Trump through her brooch collection - wearing the brooch her mum wore to her dad's funeral, to tea with Trump - no doubt to mark the 'cheery' occasion.
What was Trump's take on the shenanigans, which saw 25 squillion protesters take to the streets of the United Kingdom, Britain, England, UK? "There were plenty of people out there protesting for me", he declared. Because protesting 'for' a person is absolutely a thing.
Unfurl the periscope, we're striking out into deeper water and what's this - Elon Musk, the American billionaire inventor, has called one of the heroic Thai cave rescue divers a "paedophile", after he turned down his offer of using the "Musk International Rescue" submarine.
It appears Elon may have a touch of the green-eyed monster as he wields around a term, which can no longer be wielded without a catalogue of comprehensive evidence, of which there is absolutely, none.
Glug, glug, glug...
Trump's back and accused of "treason" after meeting with Russia's President, Vladimir Putin. And of course the question on everyone's lips was would he confront his 'pal' over allegations Russia had meddled in the American Presidential election? He did - hurrah - but not in the way we hoped - oh no - as he formally announced Putin had been "extremely strong and powerful in his denial" and that would/wouldn't be good enough for him.
Officials declared Trump was putting Putin's word above his own intelligence agencies. Meanwhile Arnold Schwarzenegger branded him a "wet fanboy noodle". Feeling a little sick? That will be the "Trump derangement syndrome".
This Reporter concedes of course Trump doesn't want to admit the only reason he is President is because Putin essentially put him there, but further - shouldn't we be very afraid of what Trump's misplaced allegiance could spell for the future of the world? This is not a time for segmentation - we are not an orange. We must hug our allies closer.
Brexit-shaped iceberg up ahead. And where to even start with this one? There we were thinking at least we finally had a Brexit plan, written down on actual paper. Only for Prime Minister Theresa May to bow down to Jacob Rees-Mogg (PM de facto) and agree to amendments which - let's make no bones about it - alter the Chequer's plan beyond all recognition.
Throw in the Electoral Commission's official findings that the Vote Leave campaign did indeed break voting law, add yet more threats of 'a vote of no confidence', and you would think Mrs May would be desperate to take up the call for a second referendum - to chuck this whole sorry mess out for the people to decide.
Not so. Instead she agrees, and then disagrees, to take a vote on closing Parliament down early for the summer to save her sorry a**.
This Reporter declares women and children to the lifeboats as this ship is going down. But oh look, there goes the last one, steered by Boris Johnson. "It's not too late" he calls over his rapidly retreating shoulder.
Will we all be drowned in the deep political Atlantic or will Kate Winslet finally make room on the raft? Tough call.
Shall we take a vote on it?
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