Skip to main content

The magically transforming tie-dye waistcoat and football's not coming home

Tie-dye - the preserve of 90s glow-stick waving ravers - has been spotted on the catwalks of Michael Kors and Dior. Thus officially, it is a 'trend'.

Here's this reporter's crafty guide to making your own tie-dye vest - complete with magical transformative powers. Let's get stuck in...

Purloin (by legal means) a plain white vest. Fill up a bucket with dye (your choice of colour - this reporter's gone for shocking pink). Take marbles and tie them, with string, into little marble pouches all over your vest. These will become the tie-dye 'splats' (official term).

With aid of a stick or other long and wieldy utensil, lower your vest into the bucket of dye. Leave to soak for as long as it takes this reporter to regale you with today's news headlines.

Here they are. And pray silence for the England team who were beaten by Croatia in the semi-finals of the World Cup, 2-1 in extra time. Meaning our dreams of 'football coming home' are well and truly dashed.

But take heart, cries this reporter, from a grafting and all-inclusive England team, who have proved a shiny beacon to the Eton club currently 'ballsing' up our country. Not to mention 90s penalty fluffer to waistcoat warrior, Gareth Southgate.

Talking of which, former Prime Minister David Cameron's tweet on the England match went down about as well as expected. "It wasn't to be this time, but you played like lions and made us all so proud", he wrote. "You don't get to join in", the internet declared.

No finger nails left after watching the match? There's a whole set going spare after the Guinness World Record holder for the longest finger nails chopped them off. Shridhar Chillal, an 82-year-old man from India, has been growing his nails since he was 14. They measured 29 foot 10.1 inches, about the same length as a London bus.

In London, Prime Minister Theresa May is bound to be making many toilet trips in anticipation of Donald Trump's trip to Blighty which kicks off today and is due to last four days. Mr Trump begins his visit deep in the countryside at a 'secret location' but he has sent Melania Trump ahead of him to the big city - no doubt to take the first blows - where she will meet with school children alongside her British 'counterpart' Mr Philip May. Let's hope they've checked the back of her jacket.

Meanwhile, following on from the excitement of the Osmonds turning up in the public gallery of Prime Minister's Questions yesterday, (it really does continue to get weirder) there is talk of the pro-Brexiteers led by (boo, hiss) Jacob Rees-Mogg coming up with their own White Paper, which they aim to push forward in place of Mrs May's Chequer's plan.

As to that, an anonymous source has said that ahead of its official pronouncement in Parliament today, the Chequer's plan is currently locked in a safe in Westminster and David Davis has walked away with the key. If a workman with welding equipment is spotted in the vicinity, then indeed we know it to be true.

And finally, Nigel Farage has upset more people. American band Rage Against the Machine to be exact, who are demanding the former UKIP leader changes the name of his podcast, which is currently called Farage Against the Machine. A cease and desist letter sent from the band states they do not wish to appear to be endorsing, or have any association with, his "abhorrent" policies.

Let's shimmy over to where our tie dye vest is slowly stewing and take a look a what's going on. Just about ready for serving this reporter reckons. Take your stick, or other wieldy member, and fish your vest out. And would you believe it, it's turned into Gareth Southgate's waistcoat.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

Life on Mars, "gangster" Peppa Pig and the Loewe dinosaur trainers

So it turns out Button Moon was a lie. This reporter is of course referring to the 1980's children's TV show, which followed Mr Spoon and his family of fellow kitchen utensils, as they day-tripped off to Button Moon in a junk model space rocket. There the family would enjoy all manner of adventures before returning back to earth in time for tea. Mr Spoon made space travel look a sinch. It transpires space travel is not a sinch. NASA, alongside the European Space Agency, is planning to bring Martian rocks back to earth to see whether the planet is inhabited by aliens. However, this daring mission is not a simple matter of astronauts rocketing up to Mars, picking up a few rocks in their space buckets, and returning back to earth that same afternoon. As it turns out, the whole venture is going to be something of a palaver on the basis we are not, as yet, able to land a rocket on another planet and then take back off again. This means bringing the rocks home will take at le

A&E targets to be scrapped and the Brexit Celebration party

FROM government plans to scrap A&E targets, to Nigel Farage's for a Brexit Celebration party, This Reporter brings you the news headlines on Thursday 16th January 2020. Plans to scrap the four-hour A&E waiting target have sparked a furious backlash from medical staff, as well as anyone with half a brain. Government ministers led by Health Secretary Matt Hancock have revealed proposals, which would see patients treated in a, widely up-for-interpretation, "clinically appropriate" manner, rather than sticking to the current targets that aim to see 95 per cent of people arriving at A&E in England, treated within four hours. The plans follow the revelation in recent days that hospitals across the country fell woefully under the specified target over the festive period, to 63 per cent. So the question we have to ask ourselves when we get down to the brass tacks of the matter is, do we really believe the new proposals are in the "best interests of the patient