Skip to main content

The magically transforming tie-dye waistcoat and football's not coming home

Tie-dye - the preserve of 90s glow-stick waving ravers - has been spotted on the catwalks of Michael Kors and Dior. Thus officially, it is a 'trend'.

Here's this reporter's crafty guide to making your own tie-dye vest - complete with magical transformative powers. Let's get stuck in...

Purloin (by legal means) a plain white vest. Fill up a bucket with dye (your choice of colour - this reporter's gone for shocking pink). Take marbles and tie them, with string, into little marble pouches all over your vest. These will become the tie-dye 'splats' (official term).

With aid of a stick or other long and wieldy utensil, lower your vest into the bucket of dye. Leave to soak for as long as it takes this reporter to regale you with today's news headlines.

Here they are. And pray silence for the England team who were beaten by Croatia in the semi-finals of the World Cup, 2-1 in extra time. Meaning our dreams of 'football coming home' are well and truly dashed.

But take heart, cries this reporter, from a grafting and all-inclusive England team, who have proved a shiny beacon to the Eton club currently 'ballsing' up our country. Not to mention 90s penalty fluffer to waistcoat warrior, Gareth Southgate.

Talking of which, former Prime Minister David Cameron's tweet on the England match went down about as well as expected. "It wasn't to be this time, but you played like lions and made us all so proud", he wrote. "You don't get to join in", the internet declared.

No finger nails left after watching the match? There's a whole set going spare after the Guinness World Record holder for the longest finger nails chopped them off. Shridhar Chillal, an 82-year-old man from India, has been growing his nails since he was 14. They measured 29 foot 10.1 inches, about the same length as a London bus.

In London, Prime Minister Theresa May is bound to be making many toilet trips in anticipation of Donald Trump's trip to Blighty which kicks off today and is due to last four days. Mr Trump begins his visit deep in the countryside at a 'secret location' but he has sent Melania Trump ahead of him to the big city - no doubt to take the first blows - where she will meet with school children alongside her British 'counterpart' Mr Philip May. Let's hope they've checked the back of her jacket.

Meanwhile, following on from the excitement of the Osmonds turning up in the public gallery of Prime Minister's Questions yesterday, (it really does continue to get weirder) there is talk of the pro-Brexiteers led by (boo, hiss) Jacob Rees-Mogg coming up with their own White Paper, which they aim to push forward in place of Mrs May's Chequer's plan.

As to that, an anonymous source has said that ahead of its official pronouncement in Parliament today, the Chequer's plan is currently locked in a safe in Westminster and David Davis has walked away with the key. If a workman with welding equipment is spotted in the vicinity, then indeed we know it to be true.

And finally, Nigel Farage has upset more people. American band Rage Against the Machine to be exact, who are demanding the former UKIP leader changes the name of his podcast, which is currently called Farage Against the Machine. A cease and desist letter sent from the band states they do not wish to appear to be endorsing, or have any association with, his "abhorrent" policies.

Let's shimmy over to where our tie dye vest is slowly stewing and take a look a what's going on. Just about ready for serving this reporter reckons. Take your stick, or other wieldy member, and fish your vest out. And would you believe it, it's turned into Gareth Southgate's waistcoat.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Laundrettes, Brexit Beano and the Valentino throw-back mini dress

"You spin me right round, baby right round like a record, baby round round round round." Oh hello there. I'll just turn the radio down. I'm at the laundrette, washing my clothes. Because we're all going to be doing this soon. Using laundrettes that is. They are popping back up everywhere. Perhaps not so much this side of the M25 but nevertheless, this is the future when it comes to washing, according to those in the fashion know. Not perhaps as we once knew it. Carrier bags full of dirty washing self-consciously flung into big bellied washers, Dot Cotton-esque laundry assistants greeting you with a box of cheap soap suds, fag hanging out of mouth. It's all gone just that little bit chicer. Hermes have launched a Hermesmatic laundrette service complete with bright orange, Instagrammable, machines specially to launder and service their Hermes silk scarves. Other brands are following suit, with the denim brand American Eagle opening a concept store and free

Cocktail rings, the sexist book prize and feel good children's literature

"Thundercats are on the move, Thundercats are loose..." Hello and welcome to the past where suit-clad dinosaurs roam the earth, sexism reigns supreme and women are castigated for stating the bleedin' obvious. There is a silver lining, of sorts. We get to wear cocktail rings again. So first to the good news, and as this reporter was saying, cocktail rings are making a comeback, big time. The fashion pack has declared an end to minimalist jewellery and instead the mantra is very much "go big or go home". The rings, which usually feature a colourful gem like an emerald, have been given a mighty great boost in popularity again since the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, wore Princess Diana's Aquamarine cocktail ring to her evening wedding celebrations. Try the Ophelia cocktail ring , available from Aspinal, for size. But whatever your choice, do ensure the gem is sufficiently gargantuan that its light shines as brightly as the ruby in the Thundercats'

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

Pig stalkers, BoJo's Jet and the Zara contrast print dress

Socks off. Do you remember the childhood rhyme which runs: "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home..."? You do. Well this story is the remixed version. A man in America called the police when a 'persistent pig' followed him home from a train station, it is reported. He called the North Ridgeville Police Station in Ohio at 5.26am on Saturday claiming the pig was following him and, understandably, the officers thought he must be inebriated (the man that is, not the pig). However, on arriving at the 'scene' they found a completely sober man who was indeed being followed by a piggy stalker. One of the officers managed to 'coerce' the pig into his police car (no jokes please) and brought the pig back to the station where he was locked in one of the dog kennels. The pig has since been reunited with his owner. Time for some news headlines and today it has been announced Sweden has distributed a 'be prepared for war