Skip to main content

The satin maxi dress, Boris' wine fridge and God save the Queen

Well

Quite

Extraordinary

To mark the occasion, this reporter has got on her satin maxi dress from & Other Stories, as recommended by Vogue, who declare satin is a viable fabric for day wear now. This reporter has dressed it down with her scuffed lace-up brogues, as also insisted on by the fashion mag, and accessorised with a gold chain. Which just so happens to be the chain from an old bath plug - with said bath plug still attached. Fetching, this reporter is sure you'll agree.

So on with the 'deluge' of news and Boris Johnson has fluttered down from his perch as Foreign Minister with hopes of Phoenix-like rebirth as Prime Minister. "Fat chance Boris".

This reporter's favourite moment yesterday was when Boris went awol, again, for a bit. Several hours late for a meeting at camp Westminster, BBC reporters decided to recce over to Boris' house where they delivered "on the ground" reports of a removal-style van, either shipping Boris' stuff out or delivering a wine fridge. Ambiguous.

As it happened Boris was inside, the house, not the van - or indeed the fridge - writing his resignation letter, peppered with phrases no doubt extracted from his favourite Winston Churchill book, whilst a brass band played Land of Hope and Glory inside his head. So on the ball were the BBC they announced Boris' resignation before the ink had even dried.

This reporter was with 'our Theresa' last night letting off the celebratory fireworks and knocking back pints of gin. Of course we will still have to see Boris' mug around Parliament, the actual ceramic one he carries about with him emblazoned with "I heart Boris", as never was there a more self-serving Member, since the last one.

Jeremy Hunt will replace Boris as Foreign Secretary which, if nothing else could be the best 70th birthday present the NHS has had. Much better than the £2.99 Theresa previously promised, wrapped up alongside a swab stick and a roll of gauze.

Other changings in the Cabinet include pro-leaver Dominic Raab replacing David Davis as Brexit Secretary, Matt Hancock moving from culture to health and Geoffrey Cox becoming Attorney General. (Who, who and triple who).

Naturally there has been much talk of this hoo ha spelling the end of Mrs May, with rumours swirling yesterday that the required 48 letters had been handed in to trigger a vote of 'no confidence'. Entirely unfounded.

There is, in this reporter's opinion, no chance of ousting her. She is akin to the stoic matriarch of World War Two, out in her front garden, curlers in, digging up potatoes as German bomber planes circle overhead. Far from weak, her resolve is made of industrial strength steel. In fact, this reporter would use the phrase she's "not for turning" if it hadn't been used before.

There's so much more. Indeed, the world of news was so overloaded yesterday that the single word "out" was causing all manner of confusion, leading to the BBC news channel running at cross purposes for at least half an hour.

Its ticker tape under an interview with David Davis following his resignation ran: "eight people remain inside the cave" which, though a reference to Thai Cave Rescue (now just four remain inside and the coach), seemed to make a curious amount of sense when applied to Mr Davis.

Similarly, this reporter has stumbled across a more than sufficient explanation for the heat wave. It turns out mother nature also got the wrong end of the stick and delivered eternal hotness based on "the will of the people".

With incessant complainings that Britain is so short of sun she simply took our 'foolish' word as a binding contract. Of course we now have to convince her we were actually talking about Brexit and she can turn off the sun.

And readers, what's going on with the Queen? She did not turn up to Prince Loius' christening yesterday, (and as to that affair, all you need to know is Meghan Markle wore Ralph Lauren in green), claiming it had always been the plan for her not to attend.

The news insists this is nothing to do with ill health but does follow on from a cancelled engagement last week. This reporter presumes that either the Queen is about to kick the bucket, silver plated of course - and Queenie this really is not an appropriate time to go (with the country so busy) - or she is building up to pull the mammoth of sickies for Trump's visit on Friday.

This reporter is poised for further developments, whilst slowly marinating in satin and gin.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

All aboard the pizza ferry, headed for absolutely nowhere new

THIS Reporter wishes to express her fathomless thanks to the Westminster crew, none of whom decided to take upon themselves the tired old trope of making new year's resolutions - on off chance a better version of themselves existed - and instead continue in the exact same farcical way they blundered through 2018. Because despite the fact ministers had, in theory, laid their dispatch boxes on beds of tinsel for the duration of Christmastide, there is still much for us to catch up with. First, but by no means foremost, Sajid Javid, Home Secretary - who it has reached This Reporter via the rumour mill likes to call himself "The Saj" - perhaps short for Sergeant but more likely, Sajid - cut short his luxury £1,000-plus a night safari festive break in South Africa to rush back and deal with what he coined a "migrant crisis" but in reality was two brave souls casting out across the Channel in a rubber dinghy. Nevertheless, Javid called for immediate clampdown on th

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Summer Riots, Eskimos and Camping It Up at the MET

THERE will be riots on the streets if the Government continues to roll out its controversial Universal Credit benefits system. That is the warning from former Prime Minister Gordon Brown who predicts a return to poll tax-style chaos and a summer of discontent if Theresa May does not call a halt to the scheme. The Universal Credit system combines six benefits in one and is set for a full national roll out next year, despite countless reports of claimants already on it being plunged into dire financial straits as a result. Mr Brown said: "Surely the greatest burning injustice of all is children having to go to school ill-clad and hungry. It is the poverty of the innocent - of children too young to know they are not to blame". This Reporter comments, it really must be a sign of the times, that Gordon Brown returning as Prime Minister seems a welcome idea. Moving on and President of America, Donald Trump has declared his daughter Ivanka would be "dynamite" as the

Neon, General Strike and BBC "Funky" Two

IN a world where the "people's voice" is being used more as a catchphrase than an actual signal of mass opinion, it is no wonder fashion types are reaching for neon. The traditional preserve of roadside workers and 90s rave fanatics, all garments in bold and brash, fluorescent hues are bang on trend for autumn. This obsession with a retina burning colour palate can only be down to our collective sense of being all but invisible, This Reporter muses. Though others would blame the trend setting power of neon-loving wallflower Kim Kardashian. Wherever you plan to pin the impetus, lime greens, shocking pinks and fluoro yellows are the only colours to be seen in this season (and boy will you be seen), whether hi vis evening wear, neon knits, colour-clash separates or standout accessories, being your chosen poison. This Reporter is, tentatively, opting for this over-sized neon pink turtleneck from Zara. If she hasn't the guts to wear it, she'll stick it on a flagpo