Skip to main content

Transparent trousers, the Trump baby balloon and a six-year-old burger

Donald Trump's visit to the UK is imminent but this reporter, as ever, has a cunning plan - involving transparent trousers, a six-year-old McDonald's burger and the giant Trump baby balloon.

She will explain.

You see, transparent trousers are being hailed a, somewhat sweaty, summer fashion trend. Made up of two legs of what pretends to be nothing short of plastic sheeting, the trousers are, in this reporter's opinion, more an excuse to show off your pants in a vaguely acceptable way than any true style statement.

However, this reporter is far more interested in their invisibility capabilities. In her mind, invisible trousers mean invisible legs. She plans to don these and paint her top half to resemble a fluffy white cloud and take flight by holding onto the string of the Trump baby balloon.

This six metre article, complete with giant white nappy and bright orange perma-tan, was originally banned from flying over London in protest of Trump's visit, but following a petition signed by around five million people and the royal sanction of London mayor Sadiq Khan, the balloon will now float gloriously over the city for when Trump arrives.

Which is a good job, as it will be ideal for burger delivery. The burger in question is a six-year-old McDonalds' one, complete with fries, which this reporter purchased off eBay from an American farmer who wished to show what a potent cocktail was to be found in McDonalds' fodder that it could stand the ravages of time - and according to him, whilst the bun is like a "hockey puck", the burger and fries still look like they were bought this afternoon.

A true ode to Trump from this reporter's heart to his. She'll let you sign the card - before she grabs hold of the Trump balloon string and ascends, waiting until the crucial moment when she is lined up with the Trump cavalcade. Then Christopher Robin can come along with his water pistol and shoot the balloon, and thus this reporter, down so she, in manner of the Milk Tray man, can make her delivery to Trump.

She'll see you after her release from prison in about 99 years time.

In other news, and back with two feet planted safely on the ground, are all 12 boys and their football coach who have been successfully rescued from a flooded cave in Thailand.

An incredibly skilled team of divers aided every single one of them to safety over a three day effort and whilst it is easy to label this event a 'miracle', it really demonstrates what can be achieved through dedication, ingenuity, self-sacrifice and a common goal.

Two more Tory MPs have resigned over Theresa May's Chequer's Brexit plan - Maria Caulfield and Ben Bradley. The two party vice-chairs follow in the footsteps of David Davis and Boris Johnson but as every newspaper appears to be pointing out, no one even knew they existed or even what jobs they had to resign from, which would be a little gutting to hear if you were either of them, this reporter reckons.

In what must be a parallel universe, EU negotiator Michel Barnier has declared that 80 per cent of a Brexit deal with the UK has been agreed and all looks set for full agreement before October's deadline. Whilst former UKIP leader, and current non-entity, Nigel Farage has said he will have no choice but to return as UKIP leader in March next year if the Brexit deal is not signed, sealed and delivered by then.

Donald Trump has said he expects to see a country in "turmoil" when he lands here tomorrow (Thursday), making his summit with Vladimir Putin in Helsinki seem "easy" in comparison. Newspapers have revealed however, that Mr Trump appears to be running scared from entering London city during his trip - planning to spend Thursday at Blenheim Palace in Oxfordshire, before meeting the Queen on Friday and then scarpering off to Scotland.

Finally, Starbucks has introduced a national "latte levy" of 5p on single-use paper coffee cups in a bid to reduce overuse and waste. It is hoped the levy, which has been trialed in London, will encourage customers to switch to reusable mugs and tumblers.

This reporter is concerned about the potential scenario which sees a customer refuse to pay the 5p levy or provide a reusable mug. That's surely going to brew up into a massive health and safety issue.

Talking of which here comes the Trump baby balloon. This reporter must fly.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Political Vanity and the Topshop Rust Dress

"Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the best reporter of them all?"

"This Reporter is all right, but the best reporter by far is..."

Smash!

Hello and welcome to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up and this week there is a distinct whiff of vanity in the air. From portraits and balloons, to TV shows and Google listings, without further ado - let the egos swell. Just beware the rusty nail.

Readers, This Reporter begins with the sensational news there has been a reason to be proud to be British this week, namely the rendition of Aretha Franklin's "Respect" by the Royal Welsh Guards at Buckingham Palace. The brass band version of the classic hit came as a surprise to passers-by at the changing of the guard and marked the day of the legendary soul singer's funeral in the most eccentric of British ways.

Crashing back down to earth with a bump and Parliament is back this week, with all eyes set on ensuring we make the smoothest and most p…

Carrot Fluff and the Leopard Print Evening Gown

PUBS have this week been told to stop serving "carrot fluff" to their customers and instead go back to good old-fashioned pub grub like bangers and mash. The hefty dollop of criticism came from "The Good Pub Guide" which decreed drinkers were being put off by baffling and pretentious menus.

"We don't want our dishes adorned with carrot fluff, edible sand or fish foam, leave that to the swanky restaurants", the Guide scolded. This Reporter reassures readers they won't find any carrot fluff in this week's news and style round-up. And yes she is using the food stuff as a metaphor. As always there will be plenty of those though, and a leopard print evening gown.

We kick off with the news two Russian military intelligence officers were behind the novichok poisonings in Salisbury -  with more than a suggestion the order of command came from top brass himself Vladimir Putin. Though he denies it, of course.

The "Perfume Poisoners" as This Re…

Impeachment, Scallop Wars and the School Blazer

Hello and welcome to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up. And isn't it curious how the fortunes of Britain and America appear to be in perfect accord, as the two greatest disasters in living memory - the election of Trump and the Brexit referendum - have reached an apocalyptic pinnacle this week. The question is, when will we have the time, or opportunity, to buy our new school blazer?

Because politicians are getting ready for a new school term at the exclusive, fee-paying establishment which is Westminster, and this is to be the equivalent of an exam - rather than a 'doss' - year. As a result they have been inflicted with an element of holiday homework, namely the reading up on the No Deal “information papers”, which the Government ummed and ahhed over releasing. For fear the nation would collectively wet itself.
This would have been quite the handy solution, but as to flooding the place, This Reporter has just one question – whether the Dealers or No Deale…

Brexit Spoiler Alert and the Autumn Brogues

WE'RE going to be getting the political miles in this week so there's no other thing for it. Time to purchase our autumn brogues. Welcome to This Reporter's news and style round-up.

And we begin with the blast from the past which is Gordon Brown. Like Harold from Neighbours, we thought we were shot of him, until he showed up years later with a spot of amnesia. Though Mr Brown's brain cogs appear to be firing on all mathematical cylinders, as he warned us this week we were in danger of "sleepwalking" into another financial crisis - if world leaders did not work together in acting on the lessons of 2008.

The trouble is the former Labour chancellor (and lest we forget - Prime Minister) was unable to say what would trigger it. This Reporter wouldn't like to presume - Gordon's the 'money whizz' - but how about the small matter we have come to call Brexit, as suggested by the Bank of England's Mark Carney this week.

Talking of which, the Governm…

Brexit Titanic, Bond and the Balenciaga Sweater

THE sartorial equivalent of an exploding tin of Alphabetti spaghetti has hit the fashion world this week with the resurgence of the 90s trend for big shouty designer logos emblazoned all over clothes. And This Reporter can see this as no co-incidence of timing, as we witness a political front scant in truth-telling or plain-speaking but instead besmirched by skulduggery, twiddle-twoddle and bare-faced lies. You'll see. Welcome to your news and style round-up.

First up on the news podium is Jeremy Corbyn and listen..."speech, speech, speech, speech". That's the cacophonous call from multiple sides this week for the Labour leader to formally address claims of anti-semitism, both personally, and within his party.

One journalist, Gary Younge, a columnist for The Guardian, has gone so far as to write a speech for him. The gist of it runs that Corbyn must own his past mistakes, but issue the plea he has been more often than not on the right side of history.

Whether Corbyn&…