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Transparent trousers, the Trump baby balloon and a six-year-old burger

Donald Trump's visit to the UK is imminent but this reporter, as ever, has a cunning plan - involving transparent trousers, a six-year-old McDonald's burger and the giant Trump baby balloon.

She will explain.

You see, transparent trousers are being hailed a, somewhat sweaty, summer fashion trend. Made up of two legs of what pretends to be nothing short of plastic sheeting, the trousers are, in this reporter's opinion, more an excuse to show off your pants in a vaguely acceptable way than any true style statement.

However, this reporter is far more interested in their invisibility capabilities. In her mind, invisible trousers mean invisible legs. She plans to don these and paint her top half to resemble a fluffy white cloud and take flight by holding onto the string of the Trump baby balloon.

This six metre article, complete with giant white nappy and bright orange perma-tan, was originally banned from flying over London in protest of Trump's visit, but following a petition signed by around five million people and the royal sanction of London mayor Sadiq Khan, the balloon will now float gloriously over the city for when Trump arrives.

Which is a good job, as it will be ideal for burger delivery. The burger in question is a six-year-old McDonalds' one, complete with fries, which this reporter purchased off eBay from an American farmer who wished to show what a potent cocktail was to be found in McDonalds' fodder that it could stand the ravages of time - and according to him, whilst the bun is like a "hockey puck", the burger and fries still look like they were bought this afternoon.

A true ode to Trump from this reporter's heart to his. She'll let you sign the card - before she grabs hold of the Trump balloon string and ascends, waiting until the crucial moment when she is lined up with the Trump cavalcade. Then Christopher Robin can come along with his water pistol and shoot the balloon, and thus this reporter, down so she, in manner of the Milk Tray man, can make her delivery to Trump.

She'll see you after her release from prison in about 99 years time.

In other news, and back with two feet planted safely on the ground, are all 12 boys and their football coach who have been successfully rescued from a flooded cave in Thailand.

An incredibly skilled team of divers aided every single one of them to safety over a three day effort and whilst it is easy to label this event a 'miracle', it really demonstrates what can be achieved through dedication, ingenuity, self-sacrifice and a common goal.

Two more Tory MPs have resigned over Theresa May's Chequer's Brexit plan - Maria Caulfield and Ben Bradley. The two party vice-chairs follow in the footsteps of David Davis and Boris Johnson but as every newspaper appears to be pointing out, no one even knew they existed or even what jobs they had to resign from, which would be a little gutting to hear if you were either of them, this reporter reckons.

In what must be a parallel universe, EU negotiator Michel Barnier has declared that 80 per cent of a Brexit deal with the UK has been agreed and all looks set for full agreement before October's deadline. Whilst former UKIP leader, and current non-entity, Nigel Farage has said he will have no choice but to return as UKIP leader in March next year if the Brexit deal is not signed, sealed and delivered by then.

Donald Trump has said he expects to see a country in "turmoil" when he lands here tomorrow (Thursday), making his summit with Vladimir Putin in Helsinki seem "easy" in comparison. Newspapers have revealed however, that Mr Trump appears to be running scared from entering London city during his trip - planning to spend Thursday at Blenheim Palace in Oxfordshire, before meeting the Queen on Friday and then scarpering off to Scotland.

Finally, Starbucks has introduced a national "latte levy" of 5p on single-use paper coffee cups in a bid to reduce overuse and waste. It is hoped the levy, which has been trialed in London, will encourage customers to switch to reusable mugs and tumblers.

This reporter is concerned about the potential scenario which sees a customer refuse to pay the 5p levy or provide a reusable mug. That's surely going to brew up into a massive health and safety issue.

Talking of which here comes the Trump baby balloon. This reporter must fly.

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