Skip to main content

Impeachment, Scallop Wars and the School Blazer

Hello and welcome to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up. And isn't it curious how the fortunes of Britain and America appear to be in perfect accord, as the two greatest disasters in living memory - the election of Trump and the Brexit referendum - have reached an apocalyptic pinnacle this week. The question is, when will we have the time, or opportunity, to buy our new school blazer?

Because politicians are getting ready for a new school term at the exclusive, fee-paying establishment which is Westminster, and this is to be the equivalent of an exam - rather than a 'doss' - year. As a result they have been inflicted with an element of holiday homework, namely the reading up on the No Deal “information papers”, which the Government ummed and ahhed over releasing. For fear the nation would collectively wet itself.

This would have been quite the handy solution, but as to flooding the place, This Reporter has just one question – whether the Dealers or No Dealers have built the ark? Because if it's the No Dealers, This Reporter has no intention to embark, on basis No Deal is headed for catastrophe. (Scallop wars anyone?!)

The only silver lining appears to be for the lads of Britain who have been sanctioned "thinking time" in their bedrooms alone with a copy of Loaded mag - in name of Queen and country - due to a guaranteed shortage of Danish sperm imports.

Bar that (and the not insignificant matter of there still being enough sandwiches), panic over lengthy tailbacks at Dover, more expensive credit card transactions, medicine shortages, farmer's welfare, and workers rights appear to be more than justified, according to the papers released thus far.

A heavily perspiring Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab, assured there was nothing to panic about. We would simply leave the EU on Brexit day and move seamlessly on, as usual, establishing new arrangements with Europe, and the rest of the world, as we went along.

The only slight technical hitch with that though - hence the Raab sweat, which speaks a thousand words - is we will be at the mercy of Europe, and the rest of the world, to give us an easy ride. And amid all that, Theresa May, when not auditioning for Strictly, in Africa, wants us to beat the EU in a rocket race, to space. This Reporter suggests we may as well make that the basis of our Brexit arrangements. Winner takes all.

Across the pond, President of America, Donald Trump is looking distinctly nectarine. Or in real terms, one step removed from impeachment. Naturally, this is the most optimistic of outcomes to this next story, but let's consult the facts and see what could lead to this most joyous of conclusions.

The gist of it is, Trump appears to have been surrounding himself with a "workforce of criminals" as his long-term legal "fixer" Michael Cohen and his former campaign manager Paul Manafort both found themselves in the dock this week. Cohen for paying hush money to porn star Stormy Daniels and former Playboy model Karen McDougal, allegedly on the direction of the President. Manafort for tax evasion and bank fraud. The real question is just how involved has Trump been in these illegal misdealings.

Trump as bombastic as ever, has declared his impeachment would lead to the American markets crashing. Adding: "I don't know how you can impeach somebody who has done a great job".

Meanwhile, Jeremy Corbyn is also fighting, yet again, to clear his "good name" after even more accusations of anti-semitism have been unearthed by the media. This time a claim he accused English Zionists of having no sense of humour in 2013.

Interestingly - and not at all in a separate matter - this is the week Corbyn gave a speech declaring his plans to clean up the British media should he ever become Prime Minister, with calls for journalists to be given the power to elect their own editors to prevent "media barons" and for BBC staff to declare their social backgrounds.

Whilst this really is the week to kick the boot into the news gatherers, Trump-style (because obviously what's good for him...) as Labour MP Chuka Umunna has sought to 'scotch rumours' he hopes to use the People's Vote second referendum campaign as something of a Trojan horse to launch a new centrist party.

He spoke to the press saying: "The idea that the People's Vote campaign is a precursor to a new party is complete and utter bollocks. Frankly people need to stop spreading false news about this."

It appears here in the year 2018 we are now some distance removed from the joys of the Queen's English, where we would simply declare something unpleasant a "jolly bad thing". Whilst simultaneously it is being made clearly apparent, that the government has subtly shifted its scapegoating, for its own fallibilities, from the European Union to the British press, and just in the nick of time.

And all this while, we still haven't bought our new school blazer. This Reporter has got her eye on this green wool one from Gabriela Hearst. But with the very real threat, that very soon, clothes will be a luxury product hard to come by, added to the fact foraging hour is swiftly coming upon us and someone's got to stay behind to keep the night raiders from the door - This Reporter suggests a midnight dash for it.

Good luck Mes Amigos. This Reporter will meet you all back here, by this exclamation mark!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020.

The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up.
Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people.
A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions.
In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives This R…

Pig stalkers, BoJo's Jet and the Zara contrast print dress

Socks off.

Do you remember the childhood rhyme which runs: "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home..."? You do. Well this story is the remixed version.

A man in America called the police when a 'persistent pig' followed him home from a train station, it is reported.

He called the North Ridgeville Police Station in Ohio at 5.26am on Saturday claiming the pig was following him and, understandably, the officers thought he must be inebriated (the man that is, not the pig).

However, on arriving at the 'scene' they found a completely sober man who was indeed being followed by a piggy stalker. One of the officers managed to 'coerce' the pig into his police car (no jokes please) and brought the pig back to the station where he was locked in one of the dog kennels. The pig has since been reunited with his owner.

Time for some news headlines and today it has been announced Sweden has distributed a 'be prepared for war' leafle…

Pizza Express and Boris Johnson's 99 problems, but the ditch ain't one

THE MAJOR talking point of the week has been whether Pizza Express is set to go down the swanny. The pizza restaurant chain known, according to This Reporter's private lexicon, as "posh Pizza Hut" revealed it is currently battling £1.1billion worth of debt, which equates to a mammoth £1.6million per restaurant, and in turn, a heck of a lot of dough balls.
The plight of Pizza Express follows on from the news of Thomas Cook going under in the last few weeks and historically matches the tales of woe experienced by high street stalwarts BHS and Woolworths, which are alas no more but, especially in the case of Woolworths, still much bereaved.
Where else, This Reporter ponders could you buy a pick 'n' mix, a cassette tape of Ant and Dec's "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" and a toilet brush in one fell swoop?
Which leads to a serious piece of social commentary, which This Reporter has been keeping under her hat to be revealed at an appropriate time - deemed…

TV Presenter Phillip Schofield announces he is gay and a fox runs amok in Parliament

FROM TV presenter Phillip Schofield announcing he is gay, to the fox who ran amok through the Houses of Parliament, This Reporter brings you the news headlines on Friday 7th February 2020.
Phillip Schofield, the co-presenter of ITV's This Morning programme but who leapt to fame in the broom cupboard, has come out as gay. In a statement released on This Morning's Twitter account, the presenter, who has been married to his wife for almost 27 years, paid tribute to his family. He said: "With the strength and support of my wife and my daughters, I have been coming to terms with the fact that I am gay". He wrote about his "inner conflict" but at the same time talked of  "a world that has changed so much for the better." He added: “Every day on This Morning, I sit in awe of those who have been brave and open in confronting their truth - so now it's my turn to share mine". Schofield married Stephanie Lowe in 1993 and they have two adult daughters, Mo…

Cocktail rings, the sexist book prize and feel good children's literature

"Thundercats are on the move, Thundercats are loose..."

Hello and welcome to the past where suit-clad dinosaurs roam the earth, sexism reigns supreme and women are castigated for stating the bleedin' obvious. There is a silver lining, of sorts. We get to wear cocktail rings again.

So first to the good news, and as this reporter was saying, cocktail rings are making a comeback, big time. The fashion pack has declared an end to minimalist jewellery and instead the mantra is very much "go big or go home".

The rings, which usually feature a colourful gem like an emerald, have been given a mighty great boost in popularity again since the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, wore Princess Diana's Aquamarine cocktail ring to her evening wedding celebrations.

Try the Ophelia cocktail ring, available from Aspinal, for size. But whatever your choice, do ensure the gem is sufficiently gargantuan that its light shines as brightly as the ruby in the Thundercats' sword.…