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Impeachment, Scallop Wars and the School Blazer

Hello and welcome to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up. And isn't it curious how the fortunes of Britain and America appear to be in perfect accord, as the two greatest disasters in living memory - the election of Trump and the Brexit referendum - have reached an apocalyptic pinnacle this week. The question is, when will we have the time, or opportunity, to buy our new school blazer?

Because politicians are getting ready for a new school term at the exclusive, fee-paying establishment which is Westminster, and this is to be the equivalent of an exam - rather than a 'doss' - year. As a result they have been inflicted with an element of holiday homework, namely the reading up on the No Deal “information papers”, which the Government ummed and ahhed over releasing. For fear the nation would collectively wet itself.

This would have been quite the handy solution, but as to flooding the place, This Reporter has just one question – whether the Dealers or No Dealers have built the ark? Because if it's the No Dealers, This Reporter has no intention to embark, on basis No Deal is headed for catastrophe. (Scallop wars anyone?!)

The only silver lining appears to be for the lads of Britain who have been sanctioned "thinking time" in their bedrooms alone with a copy of Loaded mag - in name of Queen and country - due to a guaranteed shortage of Danish sperm imports.

Bar that (and the not insignificant matter of there still being enough sandwiches), panic over lengthy tailbacks at Dover, more expensive credit card transactions, medicine shortages, farmer's welfare, and workers rights appear to be more than justified, according to the papers released thus far.

A heavily perspiring Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab, assured there was nothing to panic about. We would simply leave the EU on Brexit day and move seamlessly on, as usual, establishing new arrangements with Europe, and the rest of the world, as we went along.

The only slight technical hitch with that though - hence the Raab sweat, which speaks a thousand words - is we will be at the mercy of Europe, and the rest of the world, to give us an easy ride. And amid all that, Theresa May, when not auditioning for Strictly, in Africa, wants us to beat the EU in a rocket race, to space. This Reporter suggests we may as well make that the basis of our Brexit arrangements. Winner takes all.

Across the pond, President of America, Donald Trump is looking distinctly nectarine. Or in real terms, one step removed from impeachment. Naturally, this is the most optimistic of outcomes to this next story, but let's consult the facts and see what could lead to this most joyous of conclusions.

The gist of it is, Trump appears to have been surrounding himself with a "workforce of criminals" as his long-term legal "fixer" Michael Cohen and his former campaign manager Paul Manafort both found themselves in the dock this week. Cohen for paying hush money to porn star Stormy Daniels and former Playboy model Karen McDougal, allegedly on the direction of the President. Manafort for tax evasion and bank fraud. The real question is just how involved has Trump been in these illegal misdealings.

Trump as bombastic as ever, has declared his impeachment would lead to the American markets crashing. Adding: "I don't know how you can impeach somebody who has done a great job".

Meanwhile, Jeremy Corbyn is also fighting, yet again, to clear his "good name" after even more accusations of anti-semitism have been unearthed by the media. This time a claim he accused English Zionists of having no sense of humour in 2013.

Interestingly - and not at all in a separate matter - this is the week Corbyn gave a speech declaring his plans to clean up the British media should he ever become Prime Minister, with calls for journalists to be given the power to elect their own editors to prevent "media barons" and for BBC staff to declare their social backgrounds.

Whilst this really is the week to kick the boot into the news gatherers, Trump-style (because obviously what's good for him...) as Labour MP Chuka Umunna has sought to 'scotch rumours' he hopes to use the People's Vote second referendum campaign as something of a Trojan horse to launch a new centrist party.

He spoke to the press saying: "The idea that the People's Vote campaign is a precursor to a new party is complete and utter bollocks. Frankly people need to stop spreading false news about this."

It appears here in the year 2018 we are now some distance removed from the joys of the Queen's English, where we would simply declare something unpleasant a "jolly bad thing". Whilst simultaneously it is being made clearly apparent, that the government has subtly shifted its scapegoating, for its own fallibilities, from the European Union to the British press, and just in the nick of time.

And all this while, we still haven't bought our new school blazer. This Reporter has got her eye on this green wool one from Gabriela Hearst. But with the very real threat, that very soon, clothes will be a luxury product hard to come by, added to the fact foraging hour is swiftly coming upon us and someone's got to stay behind to keep the night raiders from the door - This Reporter suggests a midnight dash for it.

Good luck Mes Amigos. This Reporter will meet you all back here, by this exclamation mark!

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