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Stockpiling and the Last Surviving Pineapple Bag

FROM troops mobilised for Operation Blitz Brexit and Jacob Rees-Mogg's three piece suit on the sand, to the last surviving pineapple bag, This Reporter gives her weekly news and style round-up.


This Reporter greets you with the news that this week Brexit has well and truly spoked off its rocker. The army, they say, is to be drafted in following the inevitable No Deal conclusion, to distribute stockpiled food and medicine, and to deal with civil riots. Isn't that a "comfort".

Slightly more imminently, plans to hand out No Deal pamphlets to prepare us have been shelved, to prevent "panic" or, to quote an anonymous government source, to stop people "s***ing themselves". All This Reporter can say is, it quite clearly transpires voting for Brexit was no different to actively voting for conditions of war. The good news is we may finally deal with the obesity crisis. Perhaps that was the plan all along?

One unlikely individual not prepared to take this No Deal Brexit business lying down is Match of the Day presenter Gary Linekar who, it is reported, has 'thrown his weight behind' the campaign for a referendum on the final Brexit deal. The former England striker said the prospect of leaving the EU on bad terms was "more important than football" as he signed up for the People's Vote Campaign.

As the footballing world comes to terms with this grade one treachery, official stats tell us more people than not now support a second referendum on the deal. Looks like Gazza (not that one) is finally on the winning team.

At the lower end of the shock scale, registering somewhere alongside the inevitability of the rising sun, is the news Prime Minister Theresa May has finally reached her most unpopular ebb. A poll found only 30 per cent thought she was doing a good job. This Reporter can only state, pollsters what took you so long?

As for Chequer's Brexit - well Friday's Blood Moon didn't see it off, along with the rest of the world, so that's plan A off the table. But never fear and look to the skies - and This Reporter promises the clouds won't obscure it this time - as ministers drop their 'secret parachute' into the mix.

Following Michel Barnier rejecting Mrs May's proposed customs arrangements like a gone off voulevant, this new plan on the block involves looking to trade arrangements the EU has with other countries, and copying them. It all has a whiff of Tom Cruise's Mission Impossible about it, and not just because of the parachute.

Meanwhile This Reporter assumes all phone lines from France to Downing Street are down as the French have given out an offer tastier than coq au vin. Call the whole thing off, they say, and we'll all carry on like none of this Brexit stuff ever happened (a direct quote as you can tell - though delivered in a French accent). Um hello Mrs May, hello. Are you receiving this, hello...

Who knew the position of Foreign Secretary was the poisoned chalice of the government. But indeed it proves so via the revelation of what Boris Johnson, and latterly Jeremy Hunt, have been supping - "plonker punch". Known to make the drinker say the most ludicrous of things.

Mr Hunt had his first good gulp of it this week when he forgot his wife was Chinese, not Japanese as he announced, on a trade trip to China. The clue to his wife's origins was even in his location.

As for Boris, he's finally moved out of the Foreign Secretary's official residence after appearing to intend to declare squatter's rights, and one item which attracted onlooker's attentions was the carting out of a punch bag, with Jeremy Corbyn's face on it. The very man he has been lambasting in his Telegraph column for lacking "backbone" to deal with the anti-Semitism in his party. So says the man who has apparently been meeting with the far-right's Steve Bannon. Pots and kettles (chalices) and all that.

No doubt BoJo will now be jetting off on his holidays -  he never did get that brightly coloured aeroplane he so lusted after did he. Maybe he'd settle for a dingy. He can give Jacob Rees-Mogg a wave, as he lounges on the sands of the Costa del Bravado in his three-piece suit and monocle.

Only a whisker away in the style stakes is the Prime Minister, Mrs May, who has been keeping her dress staid and businesslike for the official paparazzi photographs of her hols in Italy. No doubt once the camera lens is away she will accessorise her dull grey slacks and crisp white shirt combo with a hula garland and sombrero.

She may also appreciate This Reporter's style pick of the week - the pineapple bag by the, to be, eternally celebrated Kate Spade - an eye-catching item to jazz up an otherwise pedestrian summer outfit. It can also be sold on for quite a mint as a museum piece post-Brexit, as the last surviving pineapple.

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