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Three Parties and the Perfect Holiday Dress

WITH the Tories incessant Brexit belching and Corbyn's crawling after dinner speech, This Reporter would rather vote for the perfect holiday dress.

Welcome to this week's news and style round-up and it's going to be something of a three course banquet - so loosen your belts. For starters we come to the Tories and the news they have launched a "secret" investigation into whether there is a link between their austerity measures and the accelerated use of food banks.

When it comes to the conundrum of cause and effect, we are not in the obscure realms of flapping butterfly wings here, but rather (to select a name completely at random, you understand) more a, if George picks up a brick and throws it through a window, and it shatters, do we blame the window, the brick - or George?

Brexit news has cracked on apace. Indeed academics say they have cracked it, with the grand revelation areas of the UK most badly hit by Tory austerity measures were more likely to vote Leave.

Well glad we cleared that up, but what to do about it? Never fear, Prime Minister Theresa May is here, cutting her Italian lake's walk on water holiday short to dine with French President Emmanuel Macron, at his summer fortress. Mrs May marked the occasion with the adorning of a string of blue and white baubles.

As to the meeting - heaven knows, as footage was recorded with the sound muted. Intentionally. Apparently there was much nodding - whatever that could signify. Perhaps Macron was congratulating Mrs May on recovering her misplaced marbles.

Another week and another famous type jumping on the second referendum bandwagon and this time we have "The Thick of It" creator Armando Iannucci, who has defied those who suggest he write a Brexit-themed version of his satirical comedy.

Instead he is urging everyone to campaign for a People's Vote on the final Brexit deal. "That way", he says, "I hope we can make some sense out of the mess that has been belched up in front of us". Pardon.

Onto the main course and Labour continues to sink steadily into the stagnant swamp which is claims of anti-semitism - with a whole raft of alleged Jew-bashing coming to light via its members' back catalogue. No one meting out the bashing more so than Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn (apparently).

Corbyn however, appears to be throwing himself his own life line by offering to give after dinner talks - or some such notion - to the Jewish community. He is still left with more than a smear of strawberry jam down his shirt. The question is will a hefty scoop of Daz get it out?

Eyes peeled for Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell, loitering behind the hedge, armed with his manifesto promise of Universal Basic Income. What a spot of impeccable timing. But who else could be lurking there, because Jacob Rees-Mogg has had the decorators in - albeit of the unwanted kind - returning from his New York holiday to find his house daubed with spray paint, condoms and a dildo.

So to our final course and the political equivalent of the chunk of cheese lingering at the back of the fridge for eons, only to reassert its presence with a waft of stinky sock - This Reporter gives you UKIP.

The far-right party has enjoyed a 15 per cent "surge" in its membership over the past month, it is reported. And whilst no where near back to the popularity it enjoyed under Nigel Farage, new leader (what's his name?) Gerard Batten, is pushing his own agenda for Islam-hating to the fore. Including making outlandish comments comparing thuggish Tommy Robinson to Gandhi.

But This Reporter suggests Batten better watch his back as Mr Robinson, one-time leader of the English Defence League, is becoming something of a cult icon - whilst dodging his way in and out of prison.

Meanwhile, political haystack Boris Johnson has also been auditioning for UKIP leadership this week. With his future premiership of the Tory party looking a little shaky (despite being odds on favourite for next leader - inexplicably) he appears to be hedging his bets by decrying women who wear the burka look like "letterboxes".

Mr Johnson's comments have been branded Islamophobic and earned him the nickname "pound shop Trump". But Boris is rubbing his hands with glee, his plan for political domination is working (next week - nationalisation).

This Reporter meanwhile - in light of the shere lack of viable party - would rather cast her vote for the Erica dress by Lisa Marie Fernandez. Ideal for taking you from beach, via sight-seeing, then out for dinner, it ticks all the prerequisite boxes for the perfect holiday dress. (And it has better policies.)

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