Skip to main content

Three Parties and the Perfect Holiday Dress

WITH the Tories incessant Brexit belching and Corbyn's crawling after dinner speech, This Reporter would rather vote for the perfect holiday dress.

Welcome to this week's news and style round-up and it's going to be something of a three course banquet - so loosen your belts. For starters we come to the Tories and the news they have launched a "secret" investigation into whether there is a link between their austerity measures and the accelerated use of food banks.

When it comes to the conundrum of cause and effect, we are not in the obscure realms of flapping butterfly wings here, but rather (to select a name completely at random, you understand) more a, if George picks up a brick and throws it through a window, and it shatters, do we blame the window, the brick - or George?

Brexit news has cracked on apace. Indeed academics say they have cracked it, with the grand revelation areas of the UK most badly hit by Tory austerity measures were more likely to vote Leave.

Well glad we cleared that up, but what to do about it? Never fear, Prime Minister Theresa May is here, cutting her Italian lake's walk on water holiday short to dine with French President Emmanuel Macron, at his summer fortress. Mrs May marked the occasion with the adorning of a string of blue and white baubles.

As to the meeting - heaven knows, as footage was recorded with the sound muted. Intentionally. Apparently there was much nodding - whatever that could signify. Perhaps Macron was congratulating Mrs May on recovering her misplaced marbles.

Another week and another famous type jumping on the second referendum bandwagon and this time we have "The Thick of It" creator Armando Iannucci, who has defied those who suggest he write a Brexit-themed version of his satirical comedy.

Instead he is urging everyone to campaign for a People's Vote on the final Brexit deal. "That way", he says, "I hope we can make some sense out of the mess that has been belched up in front of us". Pardon.

Onto the main course and Labour continues to sink steadily into the stagnant swamp which is claims of anti-semitism - with a whole raft of alleged Jew-bashing coming to light via its members' back catalogue. No one meting out the bashing more so than Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn (apparently).

Corbyn however, appears to be throwing himself his own life line by offering to give after dinner talks - or some such notion - to the Jewish community. He is still left with more than a smear of strawberry jam down his shirt. The question is will a hefty scoop of Daz get it out?

Eyes peeled for Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell, loitering behind the hedge, armed with his manifesto promise of Universal Basic Income. What a spot of impeccable timing. But who else could be lurking there, because Jacob Rees-Mogg has had the decorators in - albeit of the unwanted kind - returning from his New York holiday to find his house daubed with spray paint, condoms and a dildo.

So to our final course and the political equivalent of the chunk of cheese lingering at the back of the fridge for eons, only to reassert its presence with a waft of stinky sock - This Reporter gives you UKIP.

The far-right party has enjoyed a 15 per cent "surge" in its membership over the past month, it is reported. And whilst no where near back to the popularity it enjoyed under Nigel Farage, new leader (what's his name?) Gerard Batten, is pushing his own agenda for Islam-hating to the fore. Including making outlandish comments comparing thuggish Tommy Robinson to Gandhi.

But This Reporter suggests Batten better watch his back as Mr Robinson, one-time leader of the English Defence League, is becoming something of a cult icon - whilst dodging his way in and out of prison.

Meanwhile, political haystack Boris Johnson has also been auditioning for UKIP leadership this week. With his future premiership of the Tory party looking a little shaky (despite being odds on favourite for next leader - inexplicably) he appears to be hedging his bets by decrying women who wear the burka look like "letterboxes".

Mr Johnson's comments have been branded Islamophobic and earned him the nickname "pound shop Trump". But Boris is rubbing his hands with glee, his plan for political domination is working (next week - nationalisation).

This Reporter meanwhile - in light of the shere lack of viable party - would rather cast her vote for the Erica dress by Lisa Marie Fernandez. Ideal for taking you from beach, via sight-seeing, then out for dinner, it ticks all the prerequisite boxes for the perfect holiday dress. (And it has better policies.)

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Life on Mars, "gangster" Peppa Pig and the Loewe dinosaur trainers

So it turns out Button Moon was a lie. This reporter is of course referring to the 1980's children's TV show, which followed Mr Spoon and his family of fellow kitchen utensils, as they day-tripped off to Button Moon in a junk model space rocket. There the family would enjoy all manner of adventures before returning back to earth in time for tea. Mr Spoon made space travel look a sinch. It transpires space travel is not a sinch. NASA, alongside the European Space Agency, is planning to bring Martian rocks back to earth to see whether the planet is inhabited by aliens. However, this daring mission is not a simple matter of astronauts rocketing up to Mars, picking up a few rocks in their space buckets, and returning back to earth that same afternoon. As it turns out, the whole venture is going to be something of a palaver on the basis we are not, as yet, able to land a rocket on another planet and then take back off again. This means bringing the rocks home will take at le

Summer Riots, Eskimos and Camping It Up at the MET

THERE will be riots on the streets if the Government continues to roll out its controversial Universal Credit benefits system. That is the warning from former Prime Minister Gordon Brown who predicts a return to poll tax-style chaos and a summer of discontent if Theresa May does not call a halt to the scheme. The Universal Credit system combines six benefits in one and is set for a full national roll out next year, despite countless reports of claimants already on it being plunged into dire financial straits as a result. Mr Brown said: "Surely the greatest burning injustice of all is children having to go to school ill-clad and hungry. It is the poverty of the innocent - of children too young to know they are not to blame". This Reporter comments, it really must be a sign of the times, that Gordon Brown returning as Prime Minister seems a welcome idea. Moving on and President of America, Donald Trump has declared his daughter Ivanka would be "dynamite" as the