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Brexit Spoiler Alert and the Autumn Brogues

WE'RE going to be getting the political miles in this week so there's no other thing for it. Time to purchase our autumn brogues. Welcome to This Reporter's news and style round-up.

And we begin with the blast from the past which is Gordon Brown. Like Harold from Neighbours, we thought we were shot of him, until he showed up years later with a spot of amnesia. Though Mr Brown's brain cogs appear to be firing on all mathematical cylinders, as he warned us this week we were in danger of "sleepwalking" into another financial crisis - if world leaders did not work together in acting on the lessons of 2008.

The trouble is the former Labour chancellor (and lest we forget - Prime Minister) was unable to say what would trigger it. This Reporter wouldn't like to presume - Gordon's the 'money whizz' - but how about the small matter we have come to call Brexit, as suggested by the Bank of England's Mark Carney this week.

Talking of which, the Government has released some more cheery bedtime reading in the form of the latest batch of No Deal preparation papers. This time exploring the impact of crashing out of the EU on everyday domestic matters like phone bills, passports and driving licences. Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab still insists getting a deal with the EU is the most likely outcome.

However, further to the frankly "golden" story last week of the American woman who wrote the book "How to murder your husband", turning out to have, murdered her husband, This Reporter would like to propose something different - that the clue to our Brexit future is right there in black and white, already.

The No Deal preparation papers are not as MPs are telling us "precautionary measures" - digit and middle fingers raised in air quotation marks - but are actually a spoiler alert. The clue to the final verdict was in the title all along.

In perhaps the most risible, or faux-saintly, excuse for a crime, the two men identified as suspects in the poisoning of former Russian double agent Sergei Skripal in Salisbury, claimed the reason they were caught on the city's CCTV cameras was because they were there as tourists to see its cathedral.

The pair who gave their names as Ruslan Boshirov and Alexander Petrov - though who knows - said they had been urged by friends to see Salisbury cathedral and its legendary (hold a minute whilst Wikipedia loads) 123-foot spire and just so happened to stumble into the direct vicinity of Skripal's abode. It's fair to say the whole world smells a rat. The reason for that could be two-fold though, as you'll see in a few paragraphs...

Prime Minister Theresa May has this week been advised to "seal the deal" with Brexit and then stand down as PM, enabling a new generation of MPs to make decisions about the long-term relationship with the EU.

The remarks came from Mrs May's former adviser George Freeman, amid reports some Tory MPs are openly discussing how to topple her. Mr Freeman elaborated: "The PM has done an extraordinary job to make the best of an appalling legacy. She deserves the gratitude of a nation which was rudderless in June 2016".

He continues that Mrs May deserved the chance to honour her promise to deliver Brexit but the future should be forged by a new leader untainted by the "poisonous politics" of the referendum and the "shambles" that followed.

This Reporter is put in mind of the restaurant chain in China which was caught out this week for serving rat to diners after a couple fished a whole one out of their hot pot. The restaurant chain, Xiabuxiabu Catering Management, has been allowed to carry on running all but one of its restaurants. In other words, in terms of review of service, both Mrs May and the rat bunglers, have got off next to scot free.

Mrs May appeared oblivious to this latest furore over her leadership, as she settled down with cup of tea, paper work and The Chase in the background, in without doubt the most awkward photo shoot of all time.

Perhaps she wanted to brush up on her general knowledge but one question she appears to persistently want to give the same answer to, despite the cacophony of voices around her saying she has got the answer wrong, is that when it comes to Brexit the only option is her Chequer's plan. Sorry Mrs May but we know how this ends now. This can only be what comes of trying to do your homework in front of the TV.

John Lewis has been at loggerheads with Mr Raab (yes him again - it's almost as though he inhabits a role of pressing significance) over what is to blame for its massive 99 per cent nose dive in profits. The retailer finger pointed at the uncertainty caused by leaving the EU. But Mr Raab pointed back this was a "mistake", adding it was rather easy for a struggling business to blame Brexit and politicians rather than "take responsibility for their own situation".

And so, predicts This Reporter, we set the scene for the classic response to fallout to British businesses following Brexit. It's not me, it's you. Either way, it's going to take more than a dog on a trampoline to sort this one out.

Besides we need to put our shoes back on because we've got a long, vertical, journey ahead of us and This Reporter suggests we couldn't do any better than the Grenson Emily's with white wedge sole. Because if we're going to march over that Dover cliff edge, we may as well go over in "style" - digit and middle fingers raised...in quotation marks.

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