Skip to main content

Carrot Fluff and the Leopard Print Evening Gown

PUBS have this week been told to stop serving "carrot fluff" to their customers and instead go back to good old-fashioned pub grub like bangers and mash. The hefty dollop of criticism came from "The Good Pub Guide" which decreed drinkers were being put off by baffling and pretentious menus.

"We don't want our dishes adorned with carrot fluff, edible sand or fish foam, leave that to the swanky restaurants", the Guide scolded. This Reporter reassures readers they won't find any carrot fluff in this week's news and style round-up. And yes she is using the food stuff as a metaphor. As always there will be plenty of those though, and a leopard print evening gown.

We kick off with the news two Russian military intelligence officers were behind the novichok poisonings in Salisbury -  with more than a suggestion the order of command came from top brass himself Vladimir Putin. Though he denies it, of course.

The "Perfume Poisoners" as This Reporter has taken to calling them, owing to the juicy detail the nerve agent was concealed in a bottle of Nina Ricci Premier Jour, have been named by British Police as Alexander Petrov and Ruslan Boshirov (but as in all good spy films - these are believed to be aliases).

This Reporter comments, who needs the telly, and yet, as ever, she has a theory - that the rumours the next James Bond film had been postponed were merely to throw us. Instead we are, as we speak, being treated to a new interactive James Bond experience. We are living - in manner of Truman Show - through it. Well we did all moan that the franchise needed to move with the times.

Showing next are the latest Brexit shenanigans and there appears to be a bit of a flap over a yellowhammer being spotted through the long lens of an eagle-eyed photographer. Sadly we are not talking about the small yellow bird of ornithology, but "Yellowhammer" the code name for the No Deal government economic strategy, carelessly toted around under the arm of a politician, who obviously hadn't heard of a FOOLScap folder.

As to the contents, well Chancellor Philip Hammond was more than morose to brief us, saying that in short a No Deal Brexit would have a dire effect on all government departments, leaving them scrabbling around for cash, which is more chicken than yellowhammer surely, but a good sight better than ostrich. Either way its got a suicide vest strapped to its feathery breast if you're foolish enough to consult Boris "serial philanderer" Johnson.

Though to be clear, "Mr" Johnson wasn't talking about strapping the explosive to one "insignificant" dicky bird. He was declaring if Prime Minister Theresa May went ahead with her Chequer's Brexit plan, it was - in metaphor land - the equivalent of strapping a suicide vest to the whole blasted country. K-Boom.

In terms of the current chances of securing a deal with the EU - well on basis a lot still hinges on sorting out the Irish border and the new Northern Ireland Secretary Karen Bradley has admitted what she knows about Irish politics could be written on a postage stamp, This Reporter would say those chances are looking decidedly slim.

Ireland's EU Commissioner Phil Hogan meanwhile has advised Mrs May, to ditch the "three stooges" aforementioned Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg and Nigel Farage, if she's ever going to make a success of Brexit. Looks like the letter must have got diverted in the post however and made its way to Boris' wife instead. In divvying up blame, This Reporter plants it squarely on Ms Bradley's badly annotated postage stamp.

If the Labour party was a food what would it be? That was the vital question posed to a group of "swing voters" who declared these days the party was far less Bingo, pint and a casserole and more quinoa and student protest. Lib Dem then, This Reporter muses in a puzzled manner.

Tony Blair - remember him - who if we take the food poll as red, was the purveyor of the pint and the Bingo card (there's something gone wrong here somewhere) has declared this week the Labour party could never be brought back from Jeremy Corbyn's leftist extremism and what was needed was a new centrist party to fill the void.

If only there was someone who could, successfully, spearhead this movement, and oh, This Reporter doesn't know for sure, but perhaps call it "New New Labour". You've got a rival though Tone, in the form of Chuka Ummuna who lashed out at his leader this week for attempting to cleanse his party of all MPs who oppose him.

Or, to direct quote him; "Call off your dogs, Corbo". Cue a week-long debate over whether uttering the phase was tantamount to calling people "dogs" and if in the affirmative, whether it was right for an upstanding Member of Parliament to do so. Readers, what will all this come to?

Meanwhile, the fashion world is fair roaring with the leopard print trend - indeed all animal print appears to be acceptable - zebra and snake skin, crocodile - weasel. And This Reporter has found the most perfect leopard print dress, which she thought we could wear to pick up our best supporting actor award at the next BAFTA's ceremony, for simply bearing this crazy political side show, without corpsing.

Admittedly, this dress by Adriana Degreas is meant to be a beach cover-up/robe but This Reporter can't begin to imagine what sort of beach it would have to be for this to be fitting - no doubt one with carrot fluff and edible sand.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Political Vanity and the Topshop Rust Dress

"Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the best reporter of them all?"

"This Reporter is all right, but the best reporter by far is..."

Smash!

Hello and welcome to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up and this week there is a distinct whiff of vanity in the air. From portraits and balloons, to TV shows and Google listings, without further ado - let the egos swell. Just beware the rusty nail.

Readers, This Reporter begins with the sensational news there has been a reason to be proud to be British this week, namely the rendition of Aretha Franklin's "Respect" by the Royal Welsh Guards at Buckingham Palace. The brass band version of the classic hit came as a surprise to passers-by at the changing of the guard and marked the day of the legendary soul singer's funeral in the most eccentric of British ways.

Crashing back down to earth with a bump and Parliament is back this week, with all eyes set on ensuring we make the smoothest and most p…

Impeachment, Scallop Wars and the School Blazer

Hello and welcome to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up. And isn't it curious how the fortunes of Britain and America appear to be in perfect accord, as the two greatest disasters in living memory - the election of Trump and the Brexit referendum - have reached an apocalyptic pinnacle this week. The question is, when will we have the time, or opportunity, to buy our new school blazer?

Because politicians are getting ready for a new school term at the exclusive, fee-paying establishment which is Westminster, and this is to be the equivalent of an exam - rather than a 'doss' - year. As a result they have been inflicted with an element of holiday homework, namely the reading up on the No Deal “information papers”, which the Government ummed and ahhed over releasing. For fear the nation would collectively wet itself.
This would have been quite the handy solution, but as to flooding the place, This Reporter has just one question – whether the Dealers or No Deale…

Brexit Spoiler Alert and the Autumn Brogues

WE'RE going to be getting the political miles in this week so there's no other thing for it. Time to purchase our autumn brogues. Welcome to This Reporter's news and style round-up.

And we begin with the blast from the past which is Gordon Brown. Like Harold from Neighbours, we thought we were shot of him, until he showed up years later with a spot of amnesia. Though Mr Brown's brain cogs appear to be firing on all mathematical cylinders, as he warned us this week we were in danger of "sleepwalking" into another financial crisis - if world leaders did not work together in acting on the lessons of 2008.

The trouble is the former Labour chancellor (and lest we forget - Prime Minister) was unable to say what would trigger it. This Reporter wouldn't like to presume - Gordon's the 'money whizz' - but how about the small matter we have come to call Brexit, as suggested by the Bank of England's Mark Carney this week.

Talking of which, the Governm…

Brexit Titanic, Bond and the Balenciaga Sweater

THE sartorial equivalent of an exploding tin of Alphabetti spaghetti has hit the fashion world this week with the resurgence of the 90s trend for big shouty designer logos emblazoned all over clothes. And This Reporter can see this as no co-incidence of timing, as we witness a political front scant in truth-telling or plain-speaking but instead besmirched by skulduggery, twiddle-twoddle and bare-faced lies. You'll see. Welcome to your news and style round-up.

First up on the news podium is Jeremy Corbyn and listen..."speech, speech, speech, speech". That's the cacophonous call from multiple sides this week for the Labour leader to formally address claims of anti-semitism, both personally, and within his party.

One journalist, Gary Younge, a columnist for The Guardian, has gone so far as to write a speech for him. The gist of it runs that Corbyn must own his past mistakes, but issue the plea he has been more often than not on the right side of history.

Whether Corbyn&…