Skip to main content

En Vacance, Weetabix Wars and Corbyn's Speech

THIS Reporter is sure we all agree, the fact we can escape these shores on holiday makes a No Deal Brexit that bit more palatable? In much the same way a life sentence in a maximum security prison is more bearable, with the comforting thought you have the starts of a tunnel behind the Pulp Fiction poster blue-tacked up on your cell wall.

Alas, dear readers, no. That avenue of freedom has been all but barred to us according to the latest, and thankfully, last batch release of No Deal preparation papers. There will be no jaunts over to balmier shores without much advance notice.

According to the paperwork, airlines will lose their automatic right to operate between the UK and the EU without seeking advance permission (some truth in the 'myth' aeroplanes would be grounded then). Pet owners will have to plan months in advance, with numerous vaccinations and blood tests for their cats and dogs before holidaying and UK car insurance will no longer be valid abroad.

And don't think it will be easier to get into this country either. Prime Minister Theresa May has revealed her new post-Brexit immigration policy - the moment the "gammons" have, let's be honest, been waiting for since the beginning of these shenanigans. Visas to immigrants will be based on a tiered system of skills and wealth, with no preferential access to the UK labour market for EU citizens.

In what This Reporter perceives to be a taste of things to come for the UK once we have Brexited, is the tale of Weetabix wars over in New Zealand. More than 100 boxes of British Weetabix are to be destroyed by order of the court after a speciality British grocer's store "A Little Taste of Britain" tried to stock the cereal alongside New Zealand's own version - Weet-Bix.

A judge declared it a "trademark infringement". This Reporter can see it now - supermarket shelves in the UK laid bare of food stuffs post-Brexit, whilst tons of contraband European-branded goods are burnt on gigantic bonfires up on the hills, by hooded Brexiteers in some kind of Satanic-style ritual.

Meanwhile, on planet Jeremy Corbyn, the Labour leader has used his pivotal conference speech to set out his stall for ending "greed-is-good" capitalism. Corbyn talked about a complete overhaul of Britain's economy with a "green jobs revolution" to rebuild and transform the country. This would involve a roll out of green technologies and, in turn, create over 400,000 skilled jobs.

Arguably the kind of fodder that got crowds chanting Corbyn's name pre-Action Corbyn Smear Campaign. However, not much use when the whole country's sailing down Dire-Straits Creek in an empty cereal bowl, because he still won't properly confront the elephant.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

All aboard the pizza ferry, headed for absolutely nowhere new

THIS Reporter wishes to express her fathomless thanks to the Westminster crew, none of whom decided to take upon themselves the tired old trope of making new year's resolutions - on off chance a better version of themselves existed - and instead continue in the exact same farcical way they blundered through 2018. Because despite the fact ministers had, in theory, laid their dispatch boxes on beds of tinsel for the duration of Christmastide, there is still much for us to catch up with. First, but by no means foremost, Sajid Javid, Home Secretary - who it has reached This Reporter via the rumour mill likes to call himself "The Saj" - perhaps short for Sergeant but more likely, Sajid - cut short his luxury £1,000-plus a night safari festive break in South Africa to rush back and deal with what he coined a "migrant crisis" but in reality was two brave souls casting out across the Channel in a rubber dinghy. Nevertheless, Javid called for immediate clampdown on th

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Netflix glances, America's first ladies united and the Burberry graffiti skirt

"Am I pointing it the right way?" will be the constant refrain at film studios now Netflix has introduced a 'five second rule' on set to stamp out sexual harassment post-#MeToo. In complete contravention of this new rule, let's take a closer look... Netflix, the streaming devise, has introduced a whole raft of anti-harassment measures in wake of the #MeToo social media uprising against the likes of film producer Harvey Weinstein. These include not looking at anyone for longer than five seconds, no lingering hugs, no flirting and no asking for a colleagues phone number. Also any 'unwanted' behaviour should be reported immediately. An on-set runner, speaking to the media, said: "It has sparked jokes with people looking at each other and counting to five, then diverting their eyes." There is of course the worry about how actors will ever 'get it together' and thus fill our gossip pages. But this reporter is first and foremost concern

BAFTAs, Alabama, "Four Ovens" and Jeremy Kyle

FROM "Killing Eve" cleaning up at the BAFTAs and the rise of Nigel Farage's half-baked Brexit Party, to the trash found at the depths of the ocean which, according to some reports has Jeremy Kyle living under it, to "Four Ovens" MP James Brokenshire, if this week was a grossly out-dated, misogynistic trope, it would be a domestic goddess. All complaints please back date to 1957, where you'll find the Senate of Alabama mulling over their next Gilead-inspired motion. Welcome to This Reporter's Weekly News Journal. Monday 13th May and   get your glad rags on - or not (we'll get to that in a moment) - because our first stop is the BAFTAs where "Killing Eve" cleaned up on the night like any good assassin would, scooping awards for best drama series, best actress and best supporting actress. This was despite chat over whether the programme should have been included in the awards night at all. Some bother about it being screened over in America