Skip to main content

Lost Whale, Chequer's MKII and the Buckingham Palace Taser

THE award for immediate and unquestioned action goes this week to the police force that swooped on Buckingham Palace following reports of a mad man trying to bust his way through the security gates with a taser.

There were scenes of frenzied panic as the man, thought to be a terrorist, was 'wrestled to the ground and liberated of his dangerous weapon' (please note, this may be slight embellishment) at the Palace's security scanners. On two counts, initial perceptions were found to be mistaken. The 'terrorist' turned out to be a Netherlands tourist and the dangerous weapon - a taser keyring, banned this side of the Herengracht, but even so.

This tale of daredevil, yet arguably, overblown action, can be juxtaposed in direct contrast with the sloth-like pace in which Jacob Rees-Mogg's clan of Tory Brexiteers have gone about finally producing a Brexit plan to counter Prime Minister Theresa May's Chequer's one.

Like a blood hound scenting the whiff of wounded fox - following the trouncing of Mrs May's Chequer's plan in Saltzberg - Rees-Mogg finally summoned the energy to request his butler call round to find the last remaining (sorry poor choice of word) man in Britain who still thought Brexit was a good enough idea to bother coming up with a withdrawal plan.

Enter Shanker Singham, of the free market Institute of Economic Affairs think tank (IEA), who declares we have been looking at Brexit from the "wrong side of the telescope" all this time. Instead of damage limitation to the UK we should have been looking at striking mutually beneficial trade deals with countries all over the world, behind the EU's back.

His plan has curious echoes of the Canada plus plus (recurring) model Mrs May dismissed out of hand before. The Brexiteers even 'charitably' offered to allow Mrs May to call it Chequer's MKII, to save face. But she was having none if it saying, on Tuesday, better no deal then Canada plus. And it had all been going so swimmingly.

Talking of which a Beluga whale has been spotted swimming along the River Thames near London. Wildlife experts exclaimed the whale was some 1,000 miles off its usual course and most definitely lost. Adding it appeared to be swimming strongly and feeding well so there was no real reason for concern, other than it really shouldn't be there.

This Reporter suspects there is no whale. This is another one of those Brexit metaphors.

Finishing with more blubber in the form of Donald Trump who on bragging over the fact, in his tiny mind, he had achieved more than any other American President ever, he was greeted with a roomful of mocking laughter at the UN General Assembly.

Trump, finally visibly shaken, rallied himself by saying: "I didn't expect that reaction, but that's OK". Readers the tide could be turning, on a bellyful of laughter. Good news for us, and the 'whale'.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

All aboard the pizza ferry, headed for absolutely nowhere new

THIS Reporter wishes to express her fathomless thanks to the Westminster crew, none of whom decided to take upon themselves the tired old trope of making new year's resolutions - on off chance a better version of themselves existed - and instead continue in the exact same farcical way they blundered through 2018. Because despite the fact ministers had, in theory, laid their dispatch boxes on beds of tinsel for the duration of Christmastide, there is still much for us to catch up with. First, but by no means foremost, Sajid Javid, Home Secretary - who it has reached This Reporter via the rumour mill likes to call himself "The Saj" - perhaps short for Sergeant but more likely, Sajid - cut short his luxury £1,000-plus a night safari festive break in South Africa to rush back and deal with what he coined a "migrant crisis" but in reality was two brave souls casting out across the Channel in a rubber dinghy. Nevertheless, Javid called for immediate clampdown on th

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Summer Riots, Eskimos and Camping It Up at the MET

THERE will be riots on the streets if the Government continues to roll out its controversial Universal Credit benefits system. That is the warning from former Prime Minister Gordon Brown who predicts a return to poll tax-style chaos and a summer of discontent if Theresa May does not call a halt to the scheme. The Universal Credit system combines six benefits in one and is set for a full national roll out next year, despite countless reports of claimants already on it being plunged into dire financial straits as a result. Mr Brown said: "Surely the greatest burning injustice of all is children having to go to school ill-clad and hungry. It is the poverty of the innocent - of children too young to know they are not to blame". This Reporter comments, it really must be a sign of the times, that Gordon Brown returning as Prime Minister seems a welcome idea. Moving on and President of America, Donald Trump has declared his daughter Ivanka would be "dynamite" as the

Neon, General Strike and BBC "Funky" Two

IN a world where the "people's voice" is being used more as a catchphrase than an actual signal of mass opinion, it is no wonder fashion types are reaching for neon. The traditional preserve of roadside workers and 90s rave fanatics, all garments in bold and brash, fluorescent hues are bang on trend for autumn. This obsession with a retina burning colour palate can only be down to our collective sense of being all but invisible, This Reporter muses. Though others would blame the trend setting power of neon-loving wallflower Kim Kardashian. Wherever you plan to pin the impetus, lime greens, shocking pinks and fluoro yellows are the only colours to be seen in this season (and boy will you be seen), whether hi vis evening wear, neon knits, colour-clash separates or standout accessories, being your chosen poison. This Reporter is, tentatively, opting for this over-sized neon pink turtleneck from Zara. If she hasn't the guts to wear it, she'll stick it on a flagpo