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Political Vanity and the Topshop Rust Dress

"Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the best reporter of them all?"

"This Reporter is all right, but the best reporter by far is..."

Smash!

Hello and welcome to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up and this week there is a distinct whiff of vanity in the air. From portraits and balloons, to TV shows and Google listings, without further ado - let the egos swell. Just beware the rusty nail.

Readers, This Reporter begins with the sensational news there has been a reason to be proud to be British this week, namely the rendition of Aretha Franklin's "Respect" by the Royal Welsh Guards at Buckingham Palace. The brass band version of the classic hit came as a surprise to passers-by at the changing of the guard and marked the day of the legendary soul singer's funeral in the most eccentric of British ways.

Crashing back down to earth with a bump and Parliament is back this week, with all eyes set on ensuring we make the smoothest and most profitable of exits from the European Union or in actuality, an excuse to continue to inexplicably squabble like school children over the last blue painting apron.

Naturally, leadership hungry former minister Boris Johnson is leading the charge from the back benches, declaring Prime Minister Theresa May's Chequers plan is the equivalent of the lead tank going into battle fluttering a white flag - as it loses us, or more likely him, so many opportunities. Number 10 are unfazed however, stating Boris doesn't offer "serious leadership" and has no "new ideas".

Meanwhile Mrs May has declared on no account will there be a second referendum as it would be a "gross betrayal of British democracy". Which in light of the amount of British people now calling for one, has gone from an argument making little sense to absolutely no sense at all.

A bikini-clad blimp of London mayor Sadiq Khan has taken to the skies over Westminster in the most frankly odd protest of all time, against "rocketing" crime. An all-male body of anti-Khan Crowdfunders raised £58,182 towards the 29 foot-long balloon meant to be a nod to the 'Beach Body Ready" advert Khan banned in 2016 and following on from the Trump protest balloon back in July.

Khan responded (brilliantly-ish): "If people want to spend their Saturday looking at me in a yellow bikini they're welcome to do so. I don't really think yellow's my colour though."

Elsewhere, the man himself, Donald Trump is planning to take on Google after discovering the heavy-weight of all search engines only listed "bad" news stories about him. Trump has convinced himself this must be illegal and is looking at introducing government regulation.

The question is who will help him on this pointless mission, because apparently he is a little short staffed due to people no longer wanting to work for him, or getting banged up. His 'approval rating' is also looking a little shabby, with 49 per cent of Americans now in favour of his impeachment.

One of Trump's remaining fans, Nigel Farage, of former UKIP fame, is reportedly planning to throw his hat into the ring for London Mayor. However, not to suggest this is indicative of his popularity, but in a scenario - potentially indicative of his popularity - a £25,000 portrait of Farage has gone unsold at the Royal Academy's summer exhibition.

Over in the Labour camp, anti-Semitism theme month continued with veteran MP Frank Field resigning his Labour whip over it. The move was labelled a "wake up call" to a "culture of nastiness in the party" led by Jeremy Corbyn. A band of Labour MPs then responded by proposing a 'symbolic' vote of no confidence in their leader as a signal to the public they are as angry as we are.

In very latest on the matter, after what felt like 55 hours behind closed doors discussing it, the Labour party at last agreed to adopt the full international anti-Semitism definition into its code, but with free speech caveat. Will this be the end of the endless anti-Semitism row? Well....

Finally, Mrs May won't be tuning in to another episode of BBC1 drama 'Bodyguard'. Mrs May managed just 20 minutes of the show, which depicts the Home Secretary, as played by Keeley Hawes', burgeoning relationship with her bodyguard, before switching off.

This Reporter was thinking what a scintillating piece of PR this was for her, however Mrs May declares she likes to watch TV to unwind and the plot of Bodyguard was too close to home. An Isis terrorist has this week been jailed for life for attempting to assassinate Mrs May, but as to the rest of it, it's not for This Reporter to say. (!)

In the meanwhile, the fashion world has thrown us the curve ball which is the colour rust. The colour of autumn leaves and spiced pumpkin lattes, Vogue magazine declares. The colour of weather beaten fence nails and general rotting detritus, This Reporter counters.

And don't think it has escaped This Reporter's sartorial notice that this was the colour most 'en flique' in the 70s (the decade all but lost to joining the EU). This Reporter states rust will, as a form of retribution, be the colour of the regulation boiler suits we'll all find by our bedsides when we wake up from our slumbers on March 29th 2019 - to find the whole country's gone double truth, fake news, think speak, wrong.

This Reporter thinks she'll risk it with this embroidered rust dress from Topshop on basis of trust the fashion world isn't working on a metaphor, after all. But she'll be keeping her mirror handy to make sure an indelible citizen number doesn't appear across her forehead. One last question. Has anyone got any glue?

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