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This Reporter Reports - on the Schnitzel Summit

IF Prime Minister Theresa May negotiated nearly as well as she dressed for each Brexiting occasion, we would not only have sealed a deal with the EU by now but would have been gifted a schnitzel TV dinner for every citizen, a lorry load of champers for the government to get leg-less on, in celebration - or commiseration - and received a cheery send off from the other side of the Channel by a Bavarian folk band - all in the name of good feeling.

Sadly, a pillar box red tailored jacket, with just the right amount of quirky flair, can only get you so far, and that distance can scientifically be measured by just how much of your body mass is sprawled over the tarmac once you've tripped out of the starting blocks and fallen on your nose.

In summary, Mrs May's "turn" at Salzburg was far less "the hills are alive" and more the crushing moment when Liesl finds out her treacherous postman boyfriend has dobbed her whole family into the Nazis.

To backtrack somewhat, This Reporter had better explain, she is referring to the Salzburg Summit - yet another of those "crunch talks" between Mrs May and all the EU leaders, which are arguably getting crunchier as the March 2019 deadline approaches, or chewier, in the case of calamari, but more on that later.

Back to Salzburg and our frankly dungeons of doom-esque backdrop, known as the Felsenreitschule Auditorium, where the final scenes of The Sound of Music were filmed, FYI, and Mrs May was left visibly shaken at the reception to her Chequer's Plan. With EU head-honcho Donald Tusk simply declaring it "would not work". Our Prime Minister was then ordered on her way, taking her cherry-less cakes in a doggy bag, only to come back in four weeks time if she had come up with something better.

Having slept on it, Mrs May, her mood nestled somewhere between nervous wreck and tentative bravado, announced she was going to make a special Brexit speech (cue rife speculation) in which she spat; the EU needed to show the UK some respect and explain exactly what was wrong, with her plan. Mrs May then added, in a moment of - ill-placed - confidence, if they really didn't like it, then it was No Deal, knob heads.

'Thunk'. That's the sound of the pound dropping. Well, makes a nice change from the scenery.

Whilst in other news, research has found giving octopuses ecstasy causes them to put aside their usual hostility towards each other and become playful and touchy-feely. Which makes This Reporter pause to consider, what if we substituted all MPs with octopuses instead?


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