Skip to main content

Dancing Queen and the Balmain Metallic Jeans

THIS Reporter would firstly like to point out she urged Prime Minister Theresa May to wear a metallic outfit for her keynote conference speech yesterday (Wednesday). She even went to the effort of ripping the page out of Vogue magazine which stated metallics were "fashion protection from the state of the world" -  protection from the likes of Mrs May potentially, but this really isn't the time to quibble - and got it sent over tout suite by carrier pigeon to Birmingham.

Still Mrs May went with the black trouser suit. Readers if you have any sense, purchase the Balmain metallic high-rise straight leg jeans immediately. We're going to need them as we continue.

Of course, there has been much build up to this speech, following on as it does not only from Boris Johnson's leadership audition on Tuesday but also there being so much for Mrs May to rectify after last year's disaster. The hacking cough, the prankster waving the P45, the letters falling from the backdrop - the life imitating art possibility, courtesy of Bodyguard, that the moment she hits the stage she will be blown sky high.

As it goes - none of this happened. What did happen was Mrs May coming onto the stage dancing to ABBA's "Dancing Queen" - a ham-fisted nod to arguably the only faintly amusing thing she has ever done (and she knows it).

Mrs May's aides claim they were in the dark about it. It appears the Prime Minister plotted it all by herself, maybe as last minute as when she heard the tinkle tinkle of the opening bars waiting in the wings.

The song choice, if not the dancing, was planned to make Mrs May look more human, even if the dance moves, when released, were helplessly robotic. And if it wasn't a calculated move to distract us from the contents of the speech, it should have been, as Twitter became filled with comments from journalists that all they could think about through the duration, was would she dance again?

As to the political meat of the speech - for those who were able to digest it - there was the clarion call for her party to put aside the rift and together deliver Brexit. There were swipes at Boris Johnson, Jeremy Corbyn, anyone calling for a 'People's Vote'. The pledge to freeze fuel duty, to scrap council caps for borrowing to build new homes, a declaration that austerity would be over if we Brexited well.

She said she passionately believed that our "best days are ahead of us". If we doubted everything she said, there was of course still the dancing, which arguably saved her skin. But surely we don't want a constant groundhog day-style atonement. We want a Prime Minister getting things done?

Now if Mrs May had donned a metallic jumpsuit and acted out the whole thing through contemporary dance, that would have been quite different.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

BAFTAs, Alabama, "Four Ovens" and Jeremy Kyle

FROM "Killing Eve" cleaning up at the BAFTAs and the rise of Nigel Farage's half-baked Brexit Party, to the trash found at the depths of the ocean which, according to some reports has Jeremy Kyle living under it, to "Four Ovens" MP James Brokenshire, if this week was a grossly out-dated, misogynistic trope, it would be a domestic goddess. All complaints please back date to 1957, where you'll find the Senate of Alabama mulling over their next Gilead-inspired motion. Welcome to This Reporter's Weekly News Journal.

Monday 13th May andget your glad rags on - or not (we'll get to that in a moment) - because our first stop is the BAFTAs where "Killing Eve" cleaned up on the night like any good assassin would, scooping awards for best drama series, best actress and best supporting actress. This was despite chat over whether the programme should have been included in the awards night at all. Some bother about it being screened over in America first…

Spy Whales, Woodcocks and Gavin Williamson's Sacking

TAKE your seats aboard the Corrie (roller) Coaster which, as it dips and troughs throughout the week, will deliver spectacular views of spy whales, woodcocks and Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson's sacking but only rare glimpses of our Prime Minister Theresa May, who appears to be all but missing in action. Free vegetarian Percy Pigs to those who spot her. Welcome to This Reporter's Weekly News Journal.

Monday 29th April and we commence with the news Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt is off on a grand tour of Africa. In joint hopes of boosting his leadership credentials, as well as trade links post-Brexit. Mr Hunt will be accompanied by his Chinese wife Lucia Guo for the five-day, five-nation trip, who he has described at times as "a great diplomatic weapon for the UK", but at other times as Japanese (check out Mr Hunt's gaffe file, circa July 2018).
Labour has spittooned former Tory cabinet minister Damian Green's plans for a shake-up of social care funding as a…

This Reporter's Weekly News Journal - Nudity, Tied Votes and Floods

Monday 1st April 2019 and news-based April Fools gags are indistinguishable from regular reportage. The British are knackered having lost an hours sleep due to the clocks springing forward. None are so "knackered" however as chief government whip Julian Smith who in interview with the BBC said the current Cabinet had shown the "worst example of ill-discipline in the history of British politics" at a time when the person responsible for political discipline, is him. "I'm knackered," he reiterated. "Dealing with colleagues 24/7, sitting around the Cabinet table trying to destabilise the Prime Minister."
Elsewhere, Downing Street, the aforementioned PM Theresa May wakes up from a restless night, a single platitude in her head: "oh bother", as she remembers she still hasn't delivered Brexit. Latest from the DUP runs, should Mrs May bring her deal back a thousand times (likely), they will continue to vote against it every time.
Mean…

Line of Duty, Baby Sussex and Jess Phillip's Rape Threats

SACKED defence secretary Gavin Williamson has mind-powered himself into an episode of "Line of Duty" this week, convinced as he is there is a No.10 smear campaign against him. But there is much more than just this for us to investigate. From MP Jess Phillip's rape threats finally getting police attention and the suspiciously joyful arrival of Baby Sussex, to the flock of sheep enrolling at school, welcome to This Reporter's Weekly News Journal.

Monday 6th May and with the bank holiday allowing no rest for the wicked, the Tories and Labour have mulled over their great losses in the local elections and concluded this means the public just want to see Brexit done. They report they have upped their efforts to find that mecca state of marvellous accord.
Superstar Madonna has proved herself not immune to the tribulations of parenthood as, in an interview to mark the release of  her 183rd studio album, she bemoaned giving her children mobile phones too young. "It ended …

Brexit: Where's Barbara Cartland's magic acorn when you need it?

THERE are no words - quite the technical hitch when it comes to writing - to do justice to the single greatest political calamity of our generation. This Reporter considered instead using expressionist art or shadow puppetry. She would make a concerted effort at it for five minutes before setting fire to the whole damn lot - as symbolism.
As alternative, let's start with the bare-boned facts of the matter. Prime Minister Theresa May lost her second meaningful vote on her Brexit deal in Parliament on Tuesday night by a stonking 391 votes to 242. Not the complete annihilation of meaningless vote part numero one, but still an almost unprecedented disaster.
David Cameron, tracked down at his lair, said: "I don't understand why MPs who have always wanted Brexit keep voting against it". Well David, sometimes people do the most unfathomable of things don't they. But back to the facts.
Mrs May's promise of votes on No Deal and Article 50 extension are coming up next.…