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Dancing Queen and the Balmain Metallic Jeans

THIS Reporter would firstly like to point out she urged Prime Minister Theresa May to wear a metallic outfit for her keynote conference speech yesterday (Wednesday). She even went to the effort of ripping the page out of Vogue magazine which stated metallics were "fashion protection from the state of the world" -  protection from the likes of Mrs May potentially, but this really isn't the time to quibble - and got it sent over tout suite by carrier pigeon to Birmingham.

Still Mrs May went with the black trouser suit. Readers if you have any sense, purchase the Balmain metallic high-rise straight leg jeans immediately. We're going to need them as we continue.

Of course, there has been much build up to this speech, following on as it does not only from Boris Johnson's leadership audition on Tuesday but also there being so much for Mrs May to rectify after last year's disaster. The hacking cough, the prankster waving the P45, the letters falling from the backdrop - the life imitating art possibility, courtesy of Bodyguard, that the moment she hits the stage she will be blown sky high.

As it goes - none of this happened. What did happen was Mrs May coming onto the stage dancing to ABBA's "Dancing Queen" - a ham-fisted nod to arguably the only faintly amusing thing she has ever done (and she knows it).

Mrs May's aides claim they were in the dark about it. It appears the Prime Minister plotted it all by herself, maybe as last minute as when she heard the tinkle tinkle of the opening bars waiting in the wings.

The song choice, if not the dancing, was planned to make Mrs May look more human, even if the dance moves, when released, were helplessly robotic. And if it wasn't a calculated move to distract us from the contents of the speech, it should have been, as Twitter became filled with comments from journalists that all they could think about through the duration, was would she dance again?

As to the political meat of the speech - for those who were able to digest it - there was the clarion call for her party to put aside the rift and together deliver Brexit. There were swipes at Boris Johnson, Jeremy Corbyn, anyone calling for a 'People's Vote'. The pledge to freeze fuel duty, to scrap council caps for borrowing to build new homes, a declaration that austerity would be over if we Brexited well.

She said she passionately believed that our "best days are ahead of us". If we doubted everything she said, there was of course still the dancing, which arguably saved her skin. But surely we don't want a constant groundhog day-style atonement. We want a Prime Minister getting things done?

Now if Mrs May had donned a metallic jumpsuit and acted out the whole thing through contemporary dance, that would have been quite different.

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