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Steal Boris Johnson's Style and the Prison Bake Off

IT'S not clear exactly which part of Boris Johnson's "How to Winston Churchill Yourself to Victory" self-help tape advised him the best path to success was through a wheat field, but This Reporter's been convinced the ribbon got stuck in the tape deck on that one some time ago anyway.

Regardless of the - dubious - motivation, the image of Mr Johnson jogging through what initially appears to be a field of wheat - but on closer inspection is actually dried grass - in mockery of Prime Minister Theresa May's now infamous comment the naughtiest thing she has ever done was run through a farmer's wheat field, has seen him plastered across the front page of many a newspaper and thus has turned the attention away from anything "serious" going on at the Tory conference.

So that's an air punch for Mr Johnson, or aeroplane arms, as it turned out. It was also noted, quite swiftly, that Mr Johnson "happened" to be wearing a very expensive pair of swimming trunks for his run. If you would like to 'steal Mr Johnson's style'  you too can get a pair for either running, or the more traditional swimming, here at Vilebrequin. This Reporter's rather taken by the pair decorated with turtles, if by "taken" you mean verging on cardiac arrest.

When Mr Johnson finally stopped faffing about in wheat fields, he resumed the usual business of politicians, that of faffing around with people's lives, by taking his turn at the lectern of the Tory Conference.

People queued around the block to see him - either fail or prosper it was not completely in evidence, but either way his speech was the main draw of the Conference, not perhaps for what he had to say but more for how he said it - how much he wants to be leader obstensively. Even his father Stanley was there to see it. What more can you say.

Elsewhere on the fringes, Jacob Rees-Mogg has given perhaps the most privileged biscuit anecdote of all time as he recounted his fond memory of visiting Chequer's (the mansion) as a three-year-old lad - with a monocle - when then Prime Minister Ted Heath gave him Garibaldi biscuits.

He said he thought highly of Mr Heath all his childhood long because of those Garibaldi biscuits but he would not support Chequer's today, he continued, no matter how many Garibaldis he was given - in reference of course to Mrs May's deeply unpopular Chequer's plan. Which he also, during his speech referred to as "the deadest of dead ducks in a thunderstorm". A less painful analogy, all things considered.

This Reporter feels it important to gauge occasionally, how sanity is faring in the real world outside of politics. And based on the news that serial killer Rose West has won first prize in a Bake Off-style cake competition at her prison for her Victoria sponge, This Reporter can conclude that in this the year of Our Lord 2018, it does not fare well. Garibaldi?

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