Skip to main content

Steal Boris Johnson's Style and the Prison Bake Off

IT'S not clear exactly which part of Boris Johnson's "How to Winston Churchill Yourself to Victory" self-help tape advised him the best path to success was through a wheat field, but This Reporter's been convinced the ribbon got stuck in the tape deck on that one some time ago anyway.

Regardless of the - dubious - motivation, the image of Mr Johnson jogging through what initially appears to be a field of wheat - but on closer inspection is actually dried grass - in mockery of Prime Minister Theresa May's now infamous comment the naughtiest thing she has ever done was run through a farmer's wheat field, has seen him plastered across the front page of many a newspaper and thus has turned the attention away from anything "serious" going on at the Tory conference.

So that's an air punch for Mr Johnson, or aeroplane arms, as it turned out. It was also noted, quite swiftly, that Mr Johnson "happened" to be wearing a very expensive pair of swimming trunks for his run. If you would like to 'steal Mr Johnson's style'  you too can get a pair for either running, or the more traditional swimming, here at Vilebrequin. This Reporter's rather taken by the pair decorated with turtles, if by "taken" you mean verging on cardiac arrest.

When Mr Johnson finally stopped faffing about in wheat fields, he resumed the usual business of politicians, that of faffing around with people's lives, by taking his turn at the lectern of the Tory Conference.

People queued around the block to see him - either fail or prosper it was not completely in evidence, but either way his speech was the main draw of the Conference, not perhaps for what he had to say but more for how he said it - how much he wants to be leader obstensively. Even his father Stanley was there to see it. What more can you say.

Elsewhere on the fringes, Jacob Rees-Mogg has given perhaps the most privileged biscuit anecdote of all time as he recounted his fond memory of visiting Chequer's (the mansion) as a three-year-old lad - with a monocle - when then Prime Minister Ted Heath gave him Garibaldi biscuits.

He said he thought highly of Mr Heath all his childhood long because of those Garibaldi biscuits but he would not support Chequer's today, he continued, no matter how many Garibaldis he was given - in reference of course to Mrs May's deeply unpopular Chequer's plan. Which he also, during his speech referred to as "the deadest of dead ducks in a thunderstorm". A less painful analogy, all things considered.

This Reporter feels it important to gauge occasionally, how sanity is faring in the real world outside of politics. And based on the news that serial killer Rose West has won first prize in a Bake Off-style cake competition at her prison for her Victoria sponge, This Reporter can conclude that in this the year of Our Lord 2018, it does not fare well. Garibaldi?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

Boris Johnson's baby joy and "Just call me Hugo"

FROM the "joyous" news the Prime Minister and his girlfriend Carrie Symonds are expecting a baby this summer, to the comedian-turned-consumer-watchdog who changed his name to Hugo Boss by deed poll, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Monday 2nd March 2020. Boris Johnson and his girlfriend Carrie Symonds have announced they are expecting a baby and that they have got engaged. In a blow to singleton's everywhere, this will be the PM's third marriage and - excuse This Reporter one moment while she fetches her calculator - fifth confirmed child. Due in the summer, the new baby will join the likes of Lara Lettuce and Theodore Apollo as part of the Johnson lineage, as well as a few others as yet unknown or unclaimed (allegedly). It will be the first child of 31-year-old Miss Symonds, an environmental campaigner and former Conservative party official, who made history by becoming the first unmarried prime ministerial partner to live in 10 Downing

Russell Brand's "World View" and the Continuous Brexit Loop and the Continuous Brexit Loop...

COMEDIAN Russell Brand's interview with the Sunday Times has got the country in a tailspin. The gist concerns Mr Brand's "world view" - as he puts it - of being a "sensitive, awake and aware man", clashing, quite considerably, with his responsibilities as a father. To the point, he shamelessly conceded, he'd barely looked after his own children alone in any given 24 hour period. To quote: "I'm very, very focused on the mythical connotations of Mabel's beauty and grace. Not so good on the nappies and making sure they eat food. When I looked after Mabel on her own, she dropped two social classes." Mr Brand appears to seek praise for his decision to opt out of parenthood's contractual obligations as though he is akin to a bad driver taking himself off the road (#PrincePhilip). But for those considerate people, there is the train.  For Mr Brand, there's ending up looking a berk. Sixty-four days to go until we leave the European U