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I'm a Brexiteer, Get Me Out of Here and the Fiendishly Festive Musical Box

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn decried it "pages of waffle", a "vague menu of options...a leap in the dark".
Former Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab admitted, we would be better off staying in the EU.
Vince Cable, Lib Dem leader, commented it was "worryingly vague", an "agreement to have an agreement".
Bank of England gov'nor Mark Carney said financially speaking, we would have been better off voting remain.
Just a soupcon of the criticism. But a total, across the board, annihilation of a plan need not matter  - it appears - in face of a need to get the job done. In the words of Germany's Angela Merkel, to "put a lid on the pot".
All 27 EU countries signed off Prime Minister Theresa May's Brexit deal at a summit in Brussels on Sunday, outlining our future outside the EU through "broad aspirations" - so "impressively" vague, the future could amount to, absolutely anything.
Mrs May is adamant this deal is "the right one for the whole of the UK" and to reject it would be tantamount to taking us "back to square one". But suggesting a smidgen of doubt in the truth of her own words, perhaps, she wrote a grovelling letter directly to the public, urging them to support her deal or face what she considers to be worse - years of unprecedented uncertainty.
Donald Tusk, flourishing a signature, sobbed "we will remain friends until the end of days and one day longer", adding there was absolutely nothing for anyone to be happy about.
Next step -  to get this codswallop passed through Parliament.
But what's this? News just in - MPs want to stage a Brexit TV debate next weekend to eek out our misery. Mr Corbyn was first to throw down the gauntlet - an old gardening glove if rumours are right - saying he would "relish" taking on the Prime Minister live on the tele. Mrs May, stranger to any televisualised debating scenario -  has said she is "up for it".
Cue Boris Johnson bombastically flexing his attention-seeking muscle, insisting there must be a Brexiteer on the panel, to ensure "inclusivity". And whilst not explicitly nominating himself for the job, he manages to explicitly nominate himself.
Concern has arisen over how this will fit in with the scheduling of the "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" finale. If only there was some way of combining the two.  A one-off "I'm a Brexiteer, Get Me Out of Here" special, where MP's face a bush tucker challenge, is just one of the suggestions taken from the floor. First MP to crunch down on a kangaroo testicle gets to choose the Brexit plan.
This Reporter would like to suggest something a little swifter to the desired conclusion. Participating politicians are parachuted into the jungle - and left there, for an eternity.
Feel in need of a swift one? Well readers you are in luck, as Majestic Wine revealed it is stockpiling more than one million extra bottles of wine from France, Spain and Italy in case there is no Brexit deal and their supply is cut off.
Rowan Gormley, the Majestic chief executive, getting priorities absolutely right, said: "We feel highly confident that no one will miss their Sunday lunch tipple as a result of Brexit."
Post-apolcalyse, it goes without saying, the zombies will be heading to these wine warehouses as first port of call. Let the riots commence. A bottle of Rioja in exchange for a broken collar bone. "A shambles of a deal but I'm voting for it", a passing zombie was heard to slur. Will we never learn?
Now the world looks sufficiently half cock - whether from the excess of wine or incredulity, is up for debate - its time to address Royal Mail's festive musical boxes. In what is being billed a "surprise Christmas treat", the postal company has added cheery jingles to a number of its red letter boxes across the country, to be triggered off when an unsuspecting postee drops their Christmas cards or letters to Santa in.
Sleigh bells or a "jolly" message from the big man himself, St Nick are on offer, but This Reporter can't help fearing this is opening itself up to post box abuse. That or a heart attack waiting to happen.
People hurling any old rubbish through the slot to set off the jingle - sticks, stones, wheelbarrows, Mrs May's Brexit letter - which would trigger off what? A PM statuette rising out the top of the post box, dressed up in a tutu and pirouetting, over the charred remains of the EU Nutcracker. "Ho, ho, ho", cue fiendish laughter. Someone fetch the defibrillator.

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