Skip to main content

I'm a Brexiteer, Get Me Out of Here and the Fiendishly Festive Musical Box

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn decried it "pages of waffle", a "vague menu of options...a leap in the dark".
Former Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab admitted, we would be better off staying in the EU.
Vince Cable, Lib Dem leader, commented it was "worryingly vague", an "agreement to have an agreement".
Bank of England gov'nor Mark Carney said financially speaking, we would have been better off voting remain.
Just a soupcon of the criticism. But a total, across the board, annihilation of a plan need not matter  - it appears - in face of a need to get the job done. In the words of Germany's Angela Merkel, to "put a lid on the pot".
All 27 EU countries signed off Prime Minister Theresa May's Brexit deal at a summit in Brussels on Sunday, outlining our future outside the EU through "broad aspirations" - so "impressively" vague, the future could amount to, absolutely anything.
Mrs May is adamant this deal is "the right one for the whole of the UK" and to reject it would be tantamount to taking us "back to square one". But suggesting a smidgen of doubt in the truth of her own words, perhaps, she wrote a grovelling letter directly to the public, urging them to support her deal or face what she considers to be worse - years of unprecedented uncertainty.
Donald Tusk, flourishing a signature, sobbed "we will remain friends until the end of days and one day longer", adding there was absolutely nothing for anyone to be happy about.
Next step -  to get this codswallop passed through Parliament.
But what's this? News just in - MPs want to stage a Brexit TV debate next weekend to eek out our misery. Mr Corbyn was first to throw down the gauntlet - an old gardening glove if rumours are right - saying he would "relish" taking on the Prime Minister live on the tele. Mrs May, stranger to any televisualised debating scenario -  has said she is "up for it".
Cue Boris Johnson bombastically flexing his attention-seeking muscle, insisting there must be a Brexiteer on the panel, to ensure "inclusivity". And whilst not explicitly nominating himself for the job, he manages to explicitly nominate himself.
Concern has arisen over how this will fit in with the scheduling of the "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" finale. If only there was some way of combining the two.  A one-off "I'm a Brexiteer, Get Me Out of Here" special, where MP's face a bush tucker challenge, is just one of the suggestions taken from the floor. First MP to crunch down on a kangaroo testicle gets to choose the Brexit plan.
This Reporter would like to suggest something a little swifter to the desired conclusion. Participating politicians are parachuted into the jungle - and left there, for an eternity.
Feel in need of a swift one? Well readers you are in luck, as Majestic Wine revealed it is stockpiling more than one million extra bottles of wine from France, Spain and Italy in case there is no Brexit deal and their supply is cut off.
Rowan Gormley, the Majestic chief executive, getting priorities absolutely right, said: "We feel highly confident that no one will miss their Sunday lunch tipple as a result of Brexit."
Post-apolcalyse, it goes without saying, the zombies will be heading to these wine warehouses as first port of call. Let the riots commence. A bottle of Rioja in exchange for a broken collar bone. "A shambles of a deal but I'm voting for it", a passing zombie was heard to slur. Will we never learn?
Now the world looks sufficiently half cock - whether from the excess of wine or incredulity, is up for debate - its time to address Royal Mail's festive musical boxes. In what is being billed a "surprise Christmas treat", the postal company has added cheery jingles to a number of its red letter boxes across the country, to be triggered off when an unsuspecting postee drops their Christmas cards or letters to Santa in.
Sleigh bells or a "jolly" message from the big man himself, St Nick are on offer, but This Reporter can't help fearing this is opening itself up to post box abuse. That or a heart attack waiting to happen.
People hurling any old rubbish through the slot to set off the jingle - sticks, stones, wheelbarrows, Mrs May's Brexit letter - which would trigger off what? A PM statuette rising out the top of the post box, dressed up in a tutu and pirouetting, over the charred remains of the EU Nutcracker. "Ho, ho, ho", cue fiendish laughter. Someone fetch the defibrillator.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Laundrettes, Brexit Beano and the Valentino throw-back mini dress

"You spin me right round, baby right round like a record, baby round round round round." Oh hello there. I'll just turn the radio down. I'm at the laundrette, washing my clothes. Because we're all going to be doing this soon. Using laundrettes that is. They are popping back up everywhere. Perhaps not so much this side of the M25 but nevertheless, this is the future when it comes to washing, according to those in the fashion know. Not perhaps as we once knew it. Carrier bags full of dirty washing self-consciously flung into big bellied washers, Dot Cotton-esque laundry assistants greeting you with a box of cheap soap suds, fag hanging out of mouth. It's all gone just that little bit chicer. Hermes have launched a Hermesmatic laundrette service complete with bright orange, Instagrammable, machines specially to launder and service their Hermes silk scarves. Other brands are following suit, with the denim brand American Eagle opening a concept store and free

Cocktail rings, the sexist book prize and feel good children's literature

"Thundercats are on the move, Thundercats are loose..." Hello and welcome to the past where suit-clad dinosaurs roam the earth, sexism reigns supreme and women are castigated for stating the bleedin' obvious. There is a silver lining, of sorts. We get to wear cocktail rings again. So first to the good news, and as this reporter was saying, cocktail rings are making a comeback, big time. The fashion pack has declared an end to minimalist jewellery and instead the mantra is very much "go big or go home". The rings, which usually feature a colourful gem like an emerald, have been given a mighty great boost in popularity again since the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, wore Princess Diana's Aquamarine cocktail ring to her evening wedding celebrations. Try the Ophelia cocktail ring , available from Aspinal, for size. But whatever your choice, do ensure the gem is sufficiently gargantuan that its light shines as brightly as the ruby in the Thundercats'

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

Pig stalkers, BoJo's Jet and the Zara contrast print dress

Socks off. Do you remember the childhood rhyme which runs: "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home..."? You do. Well this story is the remixed version. A man in America called the police when a 'persistent pig' followed him home from a train station, it is reported. He called the North Ridgeville Police Station in Ohio at 5.26am on Saturday claiming the pig was following him and, understandably, the officers thought he must be inebriated (the man that is, not the pig). However, on arriving at the 'scene' they found a completely sober man who was indeed being followed by a piggy stalker. One of the officers managed to 'coerce' the pig into his police car (no jokes please) and brought the pig back to the station where he was locked in one of the dog kennels. The pig has since been reunited with his owner. Time for some news headlines and today it has been announced Sweden has distributed a 'be prepared for war