Skip to main content

I'm a Brexiteer, Get Me Out of Here and the Fiendishly Festive Musical Box

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn decried it "pages of waffle", a "vague menu of options...a leap in the dark".
Former Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab admitted, we would be better off staying in the EU.
Vince Cable, Lib Dem leader, commented it was "worryingly vague", an "agreement to have an agreement".
Bank of England gov'nor Mark Carney said financially speaking, we would have been better off voting remain.
Just a soupcon of the criticism. But a total, across the board, annihilation of a plan need not matter  - it appears - in face of a need to get the job done. In the words of Germany's Angela Merkel, to "put a lid on the pot".
All 27 EU countries signed off Prime Minister Theresa May's Brexit deal at a summit in Brussels on Sunday, outlining our future outside the EU through "broad aspirations" - so "impressively" vague, the future could amount to, absolutely anything.
Mrs May is adamant this deal is "the right one for the whole of the UK" and to reject it would be tantamount to taking us "back to square one". But suggesting a smidgen of doubt in the truth of her own words, perhaps, she wrote a grovelling letter directly to the public, urging them to support her deal or face what she considers to be worse - years of unprecedented uncertainty.
Donald Tusk, flourishing a signature, sobbed "we will remain friends until the end of days and one day longer", adding there was absolutely nothing for anyone to be happy about.
Next step -  to get this codswallop passed through Parliament.
But what's this? News just in - MPs want to stage a Brexit TV debate next weekend to eek out our misery. Mr Corbyn was first to throw down the gauntlet - an old gardening glove if rumours are right - saying he would "relish" taking on the Prime Minister live on the tele. Mrs May, stranger to any televisualised debating scenario -  has said she is "up for it".
Cue Boris Johnson bombastically flexing his attention-seeking muscle, insisting there must be a Brexiteer on the panel, to ensure "inclusivity". And whilst not explicitly nominating himself for the job, he manages to explicitly nominate himself.
Concern has arisen over how this will fit in with the scheduling of the "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" finale. If only there was some way of combining the two.  A one-off "I'm a Brexiteer, Get Me Out of Here" special, where MP's face a bush tucker challenge, is just one of the suggestions taken from the floor. First MP to crunch down on a kangaroo testicle gets to choose the Brexit plan.
This Reporter would like to suggest something a little swifter to the desired conclusion. Participating politicians are parachuted into the jungle - and left there, for an eternity.
Feel in need of a swift one? Well readers you are in luck, as Majestic Wine revealed it is stockpiling more than one million extra bottles of wine from France, Spain and Italy in case there is no Brexit deal and their supply is cut off.
Rowan Gormley, the Majestic chief executive, getting priorities absolutely right, said: "We feel highly confident that no one will miss their Sunday lunch tipple as a result of Brexit."
Post-apolcalyse, it goes without saying, the zombies will be heading to these wine warehouses as first port of call. Let the riots commence. A bottle of Rioja in exchange for a broken collar bone. "A shambles of a deal but I'm voting for it", a passing zombie was heard to slur. Will we never learn?
Now the world looks sufficiently half cock - whether from the excess of wine or incredulity, is up for debate - its time to address Royal Mail's festive musical boxes. In what is being billed a "surprise Christmas treat", the postal company has added cheery jingles to a number of its red letter boxes across the country, to be triggered off when an unsuspecting postee drops their Christmas cards or letters to Santa in.
Sleigh bells or a "jolly" message from the big man himself, St Nick are on offer, but This Reporter can't help fearing this is opening itself up to post box abuse. That or a heart attack waiting to happen.
People hurling any old rubbish through the slot to set off the jingle - sticks, stones, wheelbarrows, Mrs May's Brexit letter - which would trigger off what? A PM statuette rising out the top of the post box, dressed up in a tutu and pirouetting, over the charred remains of the EU Nutcracker. "Ho, ho, ho", cue fiendish laughter. Someone fetch the defibrillator.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

Boris Johnson's baby joy and "Just call me Hugo"

FROM the "joyous" news the Prime Minister and his girlfriend Carrie Symonds are expecting a baby this summer, to the comedian-turned-consumer-watchdog who changed his name to Hugo Boss by deed poll, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Monday 2nd March 2020. Boris Johnson and his girlfriend Carrie Symonds have announced they are expecting a baby and that they have got engaged. In a blow to singleton's everywhere, this will be the PM's third marriage and - excuse This Reporter one moment while she fetches her calculator - fifth confirmed child. Due in the summer, the new baby will join the likes of Lara Lettuce and Theodore Apollo as part of the Johnson lineage, as well as a few others as yet unknown or unclaimed (allegedly). It will be the first child of 31-year-old Miss Symonds, an environmental campaigner and former Conservative party official, who made history by becoming the first unmarried prime ministerial partner to live in 10 Downing

Russell Brand's "World View" and the Continuous Brexit Loop and the Continuous Brexit Loop...

COMEDIAN Russell Brand's interview with the Sunday Times has got the country in a tailspin. The gist concerns Mr Brand's "world view" - as he puts it - of being a "sensitive, awake and aware man", clashing, quite considerably, with his responsibilities as a father. To the point, he shamelessly conceded, he'd barely looked after his own children alone in any given 24 hour period. To quote: "I'm very, very focused on the mythical connotations of Mabel's beauty and grace. Not so good on the nappies and making sure they eat food. When I looked after Mabel on her own, she dropped two social classes." Mr Brand appears to seek praise for his decision to opt out of parenthood's contractual obligations as though he is akin to a bad driver taking himself off the road (#PrincePhilip). But for those considerate people, there is the train.  For Mr Brand, there's ending up looking a berk. Sixty-four days to go until we leave the European U