Skip to main content

I'm a Brexiteer, Get Me Out of Here and the Fiendishly Festive Musical Box

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn decried it "pages of waffle", a "vague menu of options...a leap in the dark".
Former Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab admitted, we would be better off staying in the EU.
Vince Cable, Lib Dem leader, commented it was "worryingly vague", an "agreement to have an agreement".
Bank of England gov'nor Mark Carney said financially speaking, we would have been better off voting remain.
Just a soupcon of the criticism. But a total, across the board, annihilation of a plan need not matter  - it appears - in face of a need to get the job done. In the words of Germany's Angela Merkel, to "put a lid on the pot".
All 27 EU countries signed off Prime Minister Theresa May's Brexit deal at a summit in Brussels on Sunday, outlining our future outside the EU through "broad aspirations" - so "impressively" vague, the future could amount to, absolutely anything.
Mrs May is adamant this deal is "the right one for the whole of the UK" and to reject it would be tantamount to taking us "back to square one". But suggesting a smidgen of doubt in the truth of her own words, perhaps, she wrote a grovelling letter directly to the public, urging them to support her deal or face what she considers to be worse - years of unprecedented uncertainty.
Donald Tusk, flourishing a signature, sobbed "we will remain friends until the end of days and one day longer", adding there was absolutely nothing for anyone to be happy about.
Next step -  to get this codswallop passed through Parliament.
But what's this? News just in - MPs want to stage a Brexit TV debate next weekend to eek out our misery. Mr Corbyn was first to throw down the gauntlet - an old gardening glove if rumours are right - saying he would "relish" taking on the Prime Minister live on the tele. Mrs May, stranger to any televisualised debating scenario -  has said she is "up for it".
Cue Boris Johnson bombastically flexing his attention-seeking muscle, insisting there must be a Brexiteer on the panel, to ensure "inclusivity". And whilst not explicitly nominating himself for the job, he manages to explicitly nominate himself.
Concern has arisen over how this will fit in with the scheduling of the "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" finale. If only there was some way of combining the two.  A one-off "I'm a Brexiteer, Get Me Out of Here" special, where MP's face a bush tucker challenge, is just one of the suggestions taken from the floor. First MP to crunch down on a kangaroo testicle gets to choose the Brexit plan.
This Reporter would like to suggest something a little swifter to the desired conclusion. Participating politicians are parachuted into the jungle - and left there, for an eternity.
Feel in need of a swift one? Well readers you are in luck, as Majestic Wine revealed it is stockpiling more than one million extra bottles of wine from France, Spain and Italy in case there is no Brexit deal and their supply is cut off.
Rowan Gormley, the Majestic chief executive, getting priorities absolutely right, said: "We feel highly confident that no one will miss their Sunday lunch tipple as a result of Brexit."
Post-apolcalyse, it goes without saying, the zombies will be heading to these wine warehouses as first port of call. Let the riots commence. A bottle of Rioja in exchange for a broken collar bone. "A shambles of a deal but I'm voting for it", a passing zombie was heard to slur. Will we never learn?
Now the world looks sufficiently half cock - whether from the excess of wine or incredulity, is up for debate - its time to address Royal Mail's festive musical boxes. In what is being billed a "surprise Christmas treat", the postal company has added cheery jingles to a number of its red letter boxes across the country, to be triggered off when an unsuspecting postee drops their Christmas cards or letters to Santa in.
Sleigh bells or a "jolly" message from the big man himself, St Nick are on offer, but This Reporter can't help fearing this is opening itself up to post box abuse. That or a heart attack waiting to happen.
People hurling any old rubbish through the slot to set off the jingle - sticks, stones, wheelbarrows, Mrs May's Brexit letter - which would trigger off what? A PM statuette rising out the top of the post box, dressed up in a tutu and pirouetting, over the charred remains of the EU Nutcracker. "Ho, ho, ho", cue fiendish laughter. Someone fetch the defibrillator.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

All aboard the pizza ferry, headed for absolutely nowhere new

THIS Reporter wishes to express her fathomless thanks to the Westminster crew, none of whom decided to take upon themselves the tired old trope of making new year's resolutions - on off chance a better version of themselves existed - and instead continue in the exact same farcical way they blundered through 2018. Because despite the fact ministers had, in theory, laid their dispatch boxes on beds of tinsel for the duration of Christmastide, there is still much for us to catch up with. First, but by no means foremost, Sajid Javid, Home Secretary - who it has reached This Reporter via the rumour mill likes to call himself "The Saj" - perhaps short for Sergeant but more likely, Sajid - cut short his luxury £1,000-plus a night safari festive break in South Africa to rush back and deal with what he coined a "migrant crisis" but in reality was two brave souls casting out across the Channel in a rubber dinghy. Nevertheless, Javid called for immediate clampdown on th

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Summer Riots, Eskimos and Camping It Up at the MET

THERE will be riots on the streets if the Government continues to roll out its controversial Universal Credit benefits system. That is the warning from former Prime Minister Gordon Brown who predicts a return to poll tax-style chaos and a summer of discontent if Theresa May does not call a halt to the scheme. The Universal Credit system combines six benefits in one and is set for a full national roll out next year, despite countless reports of claimants already on it being plunged into dire financial straits as a result. Mr Brown said: "Surely the greatest burning injustice of all is children having to go to school ill-clad and hungry. It is the poverty of the innocent - of children too young to know they are not to blame". This Reporter comments, it really must be a sign of the times, that Gordon Brown returning as Prime Minister seems a welcome idea. Moving on and President of America, Donald Trump has declared his daughter Ivanka would be "dynamite" as the

Neon, General Strike and BBC "Funky" Two

IN a world where the "people's voice" is being used more as a catchphrase than an actual signal of mass opinion, it is no wonder fashion types are reaching for neon. The traditional preserve of roadside workers and 90s rave fanatics, all garments in bold and brash, fluorescent hues are bang on trend for autumn. This obsession with a retina burning colour palate can only be down to our collective sense of being all but invisible, This Reporter muses. Though others would blame the trend setting power of neon-loving wallflower Kim Kardashian. Wherever you plan to pin the impetus, lime greens, shocking pinks and fluoro yellows are the only colours to be seen in this season (and boy will you be seen), whether hi vis evening wear, neon knits, colour-clash separates or standout accessories, being your chosen poison. This Reporter is, tentatively, opting for this over-sized neon pink turtleneck from Zara. If she hasn't the guts to wear it, she'll stick it on a flagpo