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The Ginormous Lego Orangutan and Johnson & Johnson's Minty Youth Shots

WELCOME to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up live from Brexit Island, where ginormous Lego orangutans rampage and we clamour for Johnson & Johnson's youth-giving minty shots. Not suitable for those of nervous disposition - there may be scenes of a sexual nature and episodes of political absurdity readers will find disturbing.

Soundbite from Prime Minister Theresa May live last night (Wednesday): "Thank Christ for that", as Cabinet agreed to the draft Brexit withdrawal agreement after a tempestuous five hour long meeting.
Yes, it has been quite the week on Brexit Island, as Britain is now officially called, with promises as tantalising as a Victorian peep show that Mrs May and the EU27 were going to draft up an agreement in time. As frequently we heard "there's no chance gov'nor" as the more upbeat, "stay tuned".
As is custom, Mrs May's relief was to be short-lived however, as she lost Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab to resignation this morning (Thursday) saying he could not "in good conscience" support the terms of the deal, which - now here's a thing - he had just negotiated.
This Reporter supposes he is still reeling from discovering Britain is an island and is not quite in sound mind. The question is who will replace him? Someone with greater grasp of the channel, will not be too challenging. How about names in a hat? Alas no, more breaking news just in - someone's burnt the hat. This Reporter predicts the wheels are about to come off folks, but for now her 'live feed' must go down.
Let's check in with what else has been making the news this week. And it is unthinkable, usually, to have a favourite child, but if This Reporter had to select between the Johnson brothers, she would, in a heart beat, choose the lesser known Jo. Jo Johnson, the Transport Minister and younger brother of Boris, resigned - what seems a Brexit lifetime ago - stating Prime Minister Theresa May's plan had become a choice between "vassalage or chaos".
This makes him the second Johnson brother to resign from the Cabinet over Brexit but whilst Boris is all about a no deal in bid for land, hope and glory, remainer Jo, is calling for a second referendum to let the people decide.
What this does reveal, dear reader, is a new dichotomy by which to state your Brexit position has arrived. Remainer, leaver, are perhaps a little passe. Now we have the Jo or Boris Johnson.
Culture Secretary Jeremy Wright, quite the one for producing the news fodder - even if he doesn't read it - has revealed he has a ginormous...collection of Lego. He argued everyone needs something to help them unwind after a stressful day of work and Lego was "his thing".
"It's very large indeed (the Lego collection)", he told the radio. "My wife would say far too large", he added, unnecessarily.
Emile Ratelband, a 69-year-old Dutch "positivity guru", has popped so many positivity pills he is convinced he is 20 years younger. Mr Ratelband, who humbly describes himself as a "young god", is starting legal proceedings to officially be recognised as 49. He says his plight is akin to that of a transgender person stuck in the wrong body and if only the years could be shaved off his birth certificate he would be in a "luxurious position" with the women.
Iceland's TV Christmas ad has been banned for being too political. The supermarket of freezer cabinet fame, not the country as cold as one, had been hoping to run a short animated film featuring a homeless orangutan who has his rain forest habitat destroyed by palm oil growers (Happy Christmas), complete with voiceover by recently Damed Emma Thompson.
Iceland's founder, Malcolm Walker, is gutted, saying: "It would have blown the John Lewis ad out of the window. It was so emotional".
This Reporter can only say she is relieved, as on seeing the headline she had had visions of Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn shimmying around to Wham's "Last Christmas", draped in fairy lights and tinsel.
What of old Corbo? Surely this is his time to shine. With remainers and leavers across the board stumbling across the fact they're in agreement - that Mrs May's Brexit plan is the "biggest giveaway of sovereignty in modern times" (Justine Greening) and there's no way they're agreeing to it - surely, as Labour leader, Corbyn holds the key to putting a stop to it.
This Reporter tracked him down to his allotment where he was busy raking up leaves. "Can't stop now. These are p***ing them down" he says, gesturing to the nearby trees.
Mint, This Reporter can report, is the breakout star of the fashion colour wheel this season. Like an over-zealous slug of Colgate Extra on the toothbrush of a morning, the colour has been hailed the perfect invigorating jolt for your autumn/winter wardrobe. Ever the more "surprising" if paired with retro 70s shades of brown, brown and beige.
This Reporter, on basis of what has gone before (and inevitably is still to come), will take this mint coloured satin shirt by Acne Studios, and deliver it as a double shot, directly into the veins.

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