Skip to main content

The 7-year-old YouTube Millionaire and a Case of Stolen Brexit

SELFIE the scene if you will. The world has reached the equilibrium of a cruet set. Everything is in its perfect place. Hard-working, honest people rise to the top. Greedy, cheating, villainous mongrels sink without a trace.
Enter, crashing into the scene with his brand new monster truck, seven-year-old YouTube sensation Ryan, who has earned £17.3million in the last year for reviewing toys with his mum and dad. He unboxes a new toy every week and gets filmed playing with it under the guise of toy expert.
For his efforts he has become the world's highest earning YouTuber - with 17 million subscribers and his videos watched 25 billion times. Controversy warning...This child, dear readers, represents everything that is wrong with the world.
Brexit debating is rambling on a apace - though this choice of words suggests far more forward momentum - and This Reporter has endeavoured to deliver some choice snippets for your delectation. Please deposit discreetly into a napkin if you find this Brexit business unpalatable or alternatively scamper onto the end of this article where Sport Direct's Mike Ashley is currently denying he is Santa Claus, for anyone who was under the illusion.
To Brexit, and there was a distinct reek of desperation in the air as Prime Minister Theresa May clung onto the nonsensical in bid to get votes yesterday (Wednesday) declaring, she was offering a "Backstop Lock". A what? This Reporter's initial thoughts exactly.
This would see Parliament able to vote on the Backstop's implementation, before it was implemented. "Risible" was the conclusion from the majority of MPs on basis as we all know, the Backstop is essential to maintain peace in Ireland, and all this vote is doing is delaying the inevitable.
"They're trying to steal Brexit from the people", International Trade Secretary Liam Fox was heard to wail, as he voiced his concerns that MPs attempts to undermine the Brexit process over the past few days were an affront to democracy. "I think we have to leave the EU because we have been instructed to do so by the British people. Parliament did not give the British public consultation. We contracted out our sovereignty on that particular issue...We said you take the decision whether we stay in the EU or not."
So says the man who commented setting up trade deals after Brexit would be the easiest thing to do in history.
Suggesting Brexit was more about saving political face than benefiting Britain, (quite the overwhelming suspicion), Chancellor Philip Hammond said any attempt to go back on the Brexit vote was a "Brexit betrayal". He continued, the far reaching negative consequences for the social fabric of Britain would far out weigh the small economic cost of leaving the EU. And next week's vote would allow the country to "accept that, in a rather British way, we have made a compromise solution and moved on".
Finally, as promised, we come to Mike Ashley, self-professed saviour of the high street, who took time out from polishing his halo to address a select committee at the Houses of Parliament.
Evidently buoyed on by his philanthropic triumphs buying out ailing retail chains House of Fraser and Evan Cycles, Mr Ashley decided he was the one to help MPs rejuvenate the retail sector.
Quite the turn around for the man who showed immense reluctance to darken the door of the Commons when called there at an earlier date, to justify his actions paying his Sports Direct warehouse staff below the minimum wage.
A choice snap shot of quotes from Mr Ashley's "formal" address runs thus: "The high street is at the bottom of the swimming pool", "It requires electric shock treatment", "I'm not God", "I'm not Father Christmas", "It's not my fault".
Readers, This Reporter's not sure Mr Ashley is the right man for the job.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Ginormous Lego Orangutan and Johnson & Johnson's Minty Youth Shots

WELCOME to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up live from Brexit Island, where ginormous Lego orangutans rampage and we clamour for Johnson & Johnson's youth-giving minty shots. Not suitable for those of nervous disposition - there may be scenes of a sexual nature and episodes of political absurdity readers will find disturbing.

Soundbite from Prime Minister Theresa May live last night (Wednesday): "Thank Christ for that", as Cabinet agreed to the draft Brexit withdrawal agreement after a tempestuous five hour long meeting.
Yes, it has been quite the week on Brexit Island, as Britain is now officially called, with promises as tantalising as a Victorian peep show that Mrs May and the EU27 were going to draft up an agreement in time. As frequently we heard "there's no chance gov'nor" as the more upbeat, "stay tuned".
As is custom, Mrs May's relief was to be short-lived however, as she lost Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab to r…

Boycottian Revelations and Mogg the Calamitous Piano Flogger

REVELATORY is the word, as it emerged this week that Prime Minister Theresa May is no automaton, but actually Geoffrey Boycott. Whether the "legendary" cricketer has kidnapped the real-life Mrs May, locked her in a basement and donned highly-plausible prosthetics - or Mrs May is simply channelling his spirit, circa Yorkshire cricket captain 1977 - it is too early to say.
Regardless, for This Reporter, this explains everything. Hauled in front of her millionth press briefing in recent times, Mrs May was forced to justify why she would not be changing her Brexit plan, or stepping down as Prime Minister. And she likened her stubbornness to "see this through" to her idol Boycott, of whom she said: "The whole point was he stuck to it. He had a plan and he got on with it, and more often than not he delivered".
The fact Mr Boycott, famed for his dull play, has said the biggest mistake he ever made was to take on the Yorkshire captaincy - "I was not a good m…

Peanut Butter, Brexit D-Day and Question Time

THERESA May comfort eating peanut butter straight out the jar is unequivocally the most scintillating piece of information to come out of these Brexit shambles. It's the wheat field all over again but without quite such a pleasing visual.
Before we get to the meat of the matter - something about a make-or-break Commons vote on the Brexit deal tomorrow (Tuesday) - may This Reporter point the Prime Minister in the direction of an article by Guardian writer Stuart Heritage, who went on a self-less mission to see just how drunk it was possible to get on Christmas food. Several mince pies, Christmas puds and trifles later, Mr Heritage found himself pushing the alcoholic boundaries of the breathalyser.
Which leads This Reporter to the suggestion, maybe Mrs May would like to substitute her peanut butter for brandy butter as a festive alternative. A subtle way to alter the mind state for the week ahead.
On to the feeling on the ground as we head to Brexit D-Day - say it fast and in a jaun…

Cameron's Comeback, "The Grid" and a Passport to Chic

WITH the bad boys of Brexit back in town and no feasible escape from this rapidly sinking island, all hope clings to a leather dress. Welcome to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up.

Prime Minister Theresa May will be interrogated by children, we learnt, after signing up to appear on Sky Kids news programme 'FYI'. Mrs May is famed for shirking the TV interview - besides which, serious television journalists appear to have lost their (news) sense - so it looks like it falls to the youngest and let's face it, far more assiduous minds, to ask Mrs May how much more it will take to sack off Brexit?
And here's the very man we'll say arguably, but in all fairness we mean actually, got us into this mess in the first place. Namely David Cameron, letting slip to his friends he was bored witless putting his trotters up in his second shepherd's hut in Nice, and wanted to return to front line politics. His remorseless eyes set on the post of foreign secretary.…

Unlikely Lovebirds and Boris Books in Some Attention

PITY the Boris Johnson. He has barely had a shout out in the press this week amidst all the Brexit commotion. This Reporter envisions his fingers just itching to get to his typewriter keys to bosh out an extra scathing tome on proceedings, in time for The Telegraph's Sunday edition.
But what's this - joys springs eternal, as we hear that Mr Johnson has been hauled in front of Parliament to apologise for the hapless transgression, of taking "too long" to declare £53,000 in earnings from his books.
A damning report to the Commons Committee on Standards said Mr Johnson took an "over-casual attitude" to parliamentary rules and should apologise. The worst bit about this - the reminder Boris "writes" books.
Mr Johnson, basking in the spotlight, intoned the delay had been "unintentional" but offered the house a "full and unreserved apology" - and many thanks for giving him some much-needed attention.
A donkey and an emu who fell in lo…