Skip to main content

Backstop Rhino and the Lost Engagement Ring Saga

THERE is not a journalist worth their salt who hasn't questioned Prime Minister Theresa May over whether she intends to stand down, should her Brexit plan be defeated in Parliament. And this time it was the turn of Rochelle Humes of The Saturday's fame.
On the contrary, this does not herald an era in which any old, randomated celebrity gets a turn to give Mrs May a grilling - though that may be an idea for another day - but occurred during Rochelle's stint sitting in as guest presenter on ITV's This Morning.
In response to her most terrifying questioner to date, Mrs May declared: "I will still have a job in two weeks' time."
In follow up to yesterday's (Monday's) story regarding Mrs May's potentially contemptuous reluctance to reveal the full legal connotations of Brexit, we have been made party to a fairly solid reason why.
Namely, the full legal documentation notes we could potentially be locked into the "Backstop", forever. The Backstop - on the one hand an inane piece of disposable Brexit jargon - is on the other, a reference to the mechanism which will lock us into the customs union and prevent the UK making any trade deals with countries outside the EU. Something Mrs May denies.
This Reporter would like to take this moment to thank the young rhino, resident of Edinburgh Zoo, who was kind enough to act out being locked into the Backstop through a piece of street art, in way of explanation. This involved the rhino getting her head and front leg wedged in a car tyre for several hours. She obviously realised she had gone a metaphor too far when she was unable to disentangle herself from said tyre and thus the fire brigade had to be called to free her. This Reporter trusts the UK will not be extricated from the Backdrop in quite the same manner.
In other headlines, outrage has broken out after the first female winner of the prestigious Ballon d'Or footballing award, Ada Hegerberg, was asked to twerk live on stage, by way of celebration. Ms Hegerberg, who helped Lyon to win the French title and Champions League, turned down host DJ Martin Solveig's offer with a firm "no". Solveig has since apologised.
The head of MI6, Alex Younger, is to give a sensational speech warning Russia not to underestimate Britain's espionage capabilities. Mr Younger, or "C" as he is best known, plans to announce he and his compatriots are currently working on "fourth-generation" espionage for a "new and disturbing age".
The fact this speech will be addressed to students at Mr Younger's former university St Andrew's and not a room full of the UK's arch enemies is, to put it mildly, a bit of an anti-climax.
Meanwhile, much has been made of the story of the British couple who lost their engagement ring down a subway grate in New York, only for it to be triumphantly returned to them by the NYPD months later.
A story to warm the cockles is how this is being billed. Giddy boyfriend John Drennan proposing to his girlfriend Daniella Anthony in the Big Apple, only for the ring to slip through his trembling fingers and down the grate. Lost forever they assumed, until the police launched a Twitter-wide search to track them down.
There is an undertone dear readers, that This Reporter would be negligent not to point out. John snipes: "I want to clarify that I did not propose over a grate in Times Square - that's where we lost it", making clear he actually popped the question in the more sensible location of Central Park.
Daniella retorts the ring was too big for her finger. "I tried to tell John it was too big, but he insisted I wear it," with more than a note of accusation.
Don't you just love a happy ending?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

This Reporter's Weekly News Journal - Nudity, Tied Votes and Floods

Monday 1st April 2019 and news-based April Fools gags are indistinguishable from regular reportage. The British are knackered having lost an hours sleep due to the clocks springing forward. None are so "knackered" however as chief government whip Julian Smith who in interview with the BBC said the current Cabinet had shown the "worst example of ill-discipline in the history of British politics" at a time when the person responsible for political discipline, is him. "I'm knackered," he reiterated. "Dealing with colleagues 24/7, sitting around the Cabinet table trying to destabilise the Prime Minister." Elsewhere, Downing Street, the aforementioned PM Theresa May wakes up from a restless night, a single platitude in her head: "oh bother", as she remembers she still hasn't delivered Brexit. Latest from the DUP runs, should Mrs May bring her deal back a thousand times (likely), they will continue to vote against it every time. Me

Mail Bombs, Ross from Friends and the Dr Marten Boots

FROM the suspected bombs sent out to Trump's critics and Ross from Friends in the frame with Blackpool police, to the resurgence of picket line favourite - the Dr Marten boot, welcome to This Reporter's daily news and style round-up. In the words of many a newspaper columnist, "the rhetoric became real" yesterday (Wednesday) as it emerged suspected explosives had been sent to a host of prominent Donald Trump critics including former President Barack Obama and Democrat presidential nominee Hilary Clinton. The "bombs" were intercepted by the US Secret Service. On the same day the CNN studios in New York were evacuated after a "live explosive device" was found in its mail room. New York police commissioner James O-Neill said the targets may have been selected due to their opposition to Trump. And Trump's constant rhetoric of violence towards his opponents - including most recently praising the "slam-dunking" of a Guardian journalist