Skip to main content

Backstop Rhino and the Lost Engagement Ring Saga

THERE is not a journalist worth their salt who hasn't questioned Prime Minister Theresa May over whether she intends to stand down, should her Brexit plan be defeated in Parliament. And this time it was the turn of Rochelle Humes of The Saturday's fame.
On the contrary, this does not herald an era in which any old, randomated celebrity gets a turn to give Mrs May a grilling - though that may be an idea for another day - but occurred during Rochelle's stint sitting in as guest presenter on ITV's This Morning.
In response to her most terrifying questioner to date, Mrs May declared: "I will still have a job in two weeks' time."
In follow up to yesterday's (Monday's) story regarding Mrs May's potentially contemptuous reluctance to reveal the full legal connotations of Brexit, we have been made party to a fairly solid reason why.
Namely, the full legal documentation notes we could potentially be locked into the "Backstop", forever. The Backstop - on the one hand an inane piece of disposable Brexit jargon - is on the other, a reference to the mechanism which will lock us into the customs union and prevent the UK making any trade deals with countries outside the EU. Something Mrs May denies.
This Reporter would like to take this moment to thank the young rhino, resident of Edinburgh Zoo, who was kind enough to act out being locked into the Backstop through a piece of street art, in way of explanation. This involved the rhino getting her head and front leg wedged in a car tyre for several hours. She obviously realised she had gone a metaphor too far when she was unable to disentangle herself from said tyre and thus the fire brigade had to be called to free her. This Reporter trusts the UK will not be extricated from the Backdrop in quite the same manner.
In other headlines, outrage has broken out after the first female winner of the prestigious Ballon d'Or footballing award, Ada Hegerberg, was asked to twerk live on stage, by way of celebration. Ms Hegerberg, who helped Lyon to win the French title and Champions League, turned down host DJ Martin Solveig's offer with a firm "no". Solveig has since apologised.
The head of MI6, Alex Younger, is to give a sensational speech warning Russia not to underestimate Britain's espionage capabilities. Mr Younger, or "C" as he is best known, plans to announce he and his compatriots are currently working on "fourth-generation" espionage for a "new and disturbing age".
The fact this speech will be addressed to students at Mr Younger's former university St Andrew's and not a room full of the UK's arch enemies is, to put it mildly, a bit of an anti-climax.
Meanwhile, much has been made of the story of the British couple who lost their engagement ring down a subway grate in New York, only for it to be triumphantly returned to them by the NYPD months later.
A story to warm the cockles is how this is being billed. Giddy boyfriend John Drennan proposing to his girlfriend Daniella Anthony in the Big Apple, only for the ring to slip through his trembling fingers and down the grate. Lost forever they assumed, until the police launched a Twitter-wide search to track them down.
There is an undertone dear readers, that This Reporter would be negligent not to point out. John snipes: "I want to clarify that I did not propose over a grate in Times Square - that's where we lost it", making clear he actually popped the question in the more sensible location of Central Park.
Daniella retorts the ring was too big for her finger. "I tried to tell John it was too big, but he insisted I wear it," with more than a note of accusation.
Don't you just love a happy ending?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

BAFTAs, Alabama, "Four Ovens" and Jeremy Kyle

FROM "Killing Eve" cleaning up at the BAFTAs and the rise of Nigel Farage's half-baked Brexit Party, to the trash found at the depths of the ocean which, according to some reports has Jeremy Kyle living under it, to "Four Ovens" MP James Brokenshire, if this week was a grossly out-dated, misogynistic trope, it would be a domestic goddess. All complaints please back date to 1957, where you'll find the Senate of Alabama mulling over their next Gilead-inspired motion. Welcome to This Reporter's Weekly News Journal.

Monday 13th May andget your glad rags on - or not (we'll get to that in a moment) - because our first stop is the BAFTAs where "Killing Eve" cleaned up on the night like any good assassin would, scooping awards for best drama series, best actress and best supporting actress. This was despite chat over whether the programme should have been included in the awards night at all. Some bother about it being screened over in America first…

Spy Whales, Woodcocks and Gavin Williamson's Sacking

TAKE your seats aboard the Corrie (roller) Coaster which, as it dips and troughs throughout the week, will deliver spectacular views of spy whales, woodcocks and Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson's sacking but only rare glimpses of our Prime Minister Theresa May, who appears to be all but missing in action. Free vegetarian Percy Pigs to those who spot her. Welcome to This Reporter's Weekly News Journal.

Monday 29th April and we commence with the news Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt is off on a grand tour of Africa. In joint hopes of boosting his leadership credentials, as well as trade links post-Brexit. Mr Hunt will be accompanied by his Chinese wife Lucia Guo for the five-day, five-nation trip, who he has described at times as "a great diplomatic weapon for the UK", but at other times as Japanese (check out Mr Hunt's gaffe file, circa July 2018).
Labour has spittooned former Tory cabinet minister Damian Green's plans for a shake-up of social care funding as a…

This Reporter's Weekly News Journal - Nudity, Tied Votes and Floods

Monday 1st April 2019 and news-based April Fools gags are indistinguishable from regular reportage. The British are knackered having lost an hours sleep due to the clocks springing forward. None are so "knackered" however as chief government whip Julian Smith who in interview with the BBC said the current Cabinet had shown the "worst example of ill-discipline in the history of British politics" at a time when the person responsible for political discipline, is him. "I'm knackered," he reiterated. "Dealing with colleagues 24/7, sitting around the Cabinet table trying to destabilise the Prime Minister."
Elsewhere, Downing Street, the aforementioned PM Theresa May wakes up from a restless night, a single platitude in her head: "oh bother", as she remembers she still hasn't delivered Brexit. Latest from the DUP runs, should Mrs May bring her deal back a thousand times (likely), they will continue to vote against it every time.
Mean…

Line of Duty, Baby Sussex and Jess Phillip's Rape Threats

SACKED defence secretary Gavin Williamson has mind-powered himself into an episode of "Line of Duty" this week, convinced as he is there is a No.10 smear campaign against him. But there is much more than just this for us to investigate. From MP Jess Phillip's rape threats finally getting police attention and the suspiciously joyful arrival of Baby Sussex, to the flock of sheep enrolling at school, welcome to This Reporter's Weekly News Journal.

Monday 6th May and with the bank holiday allowing no rest for the wicked, the Tories and Labour have mulled over their great losses in the local elections and concluded this means the public just want to see Brexit done. They report they have upped their efforts to find that mecca state of marvellous accord.
Superstar Madonna has proved herself not immune to the tribulations of parenthood as, in an interview to mark the release of  her 183rd studio album, she bemoaned giving her children mobile phones too young. "It ended …

Brexit: Where's Barbara Cartland's magic acorn when you need it?

THERE are no words - quite the technical hitch when it comes to writing - to do justice to the single greatest political calamity of our generation. This Reporter considered instead using expressionist art or shadow puppetry. She would make a concerted effort at it for five minutes before setting fire to the whole damn lot - as symbolism.
As alternative, let's start with the bare-boned facts of the matter. Prime Minister Theresa May lost her second meaningful vote on her Brexit deal in Parliament on Tuesday night by a stonking 391 votes to 242. Not the complete annihilation of meaningless vote part numero one, but still an almost unprecedented disaster.
David Cameron, tracked down at his lair, said: "I don't understand why MPs who have always wanted Brexit keep voting against it". Well David, sometimes people do the most unfathomable of things don't they. But back to the facts.
Mrs May's promise of votes on No Deal and Article 50 extension are coming up next.…