Skip to main content

Backstop Rhino and the Lost Engagement Ring Saga

THERE is not a journalist worth their salt who hasn't questioned Prime Minister Theresa May over whether she intends to stand down, should her Brexit plan be defeated in Parliament. And this time it was the turn of Rochelle Humes of The Saturday's fame.
On the contrary, this does not herald an era in which any old, randomated celebrity gets a turn to give Mrs May a grilling - though that may be an idea for another day - but occurred during Rochelle's stint sitting in as guest presenter on ITV's This Morning.
In response to her most terrifying questioner to date, Mrs May declared: "I will still have a job in two weeks' time."
In follow up to yesterday's (Monday's) story regarding Mrs May's potentially contemptuous reluctance to reveal the full legal connotations of Brexit, we have been made party to a fairly solid reason why.
Namely, the full legal documentation notes we could potentially be locked into the "Backstop", forever. The Backstop - on the one hand an inane piece of disposable Brexit jargon - is on the other, a reference to the mechanism which will lock us into the customs union and prevent the UK making any trade deals with countries outside the EU. Something Mrs May denies.
This Reporter would like to take this moment to thank the young rhino, resident of Edinburgh Zoo, who was kind enough to act out being locked into the Backstop through a piece of street art, in way of explanation. This involved the rhino getting her head and front leg wedged in a car tyre for several hours. She obviously realised she had gone a metaphor too far when she was unable to disentangle herself from said tyre and thus the fire brigade had to be called to free her. This Reporter trusts the UK will not be extricated from the Backdrop in quite the same manner.
In other headlines, outrage has broken out after the first female winner of the prestigious Ballon d'Or footballing award, Ada Hegerberg, was asked to twerk live on stage, by way of celebration. Ms Hegerberg, who helped Lyon to win the French title and Champions League, turned down host DJ Martin Solveig's offer with a firm "no". Solveig has since apologised.
The head of MI6, Alex Younger, is to give a sensational speech warning Russia not to underestimate Britain's espionage capabilities. Mr Younger, or "C" as he is best known, plans to announce he and his compatriots are currently working on "fourth-generation" espionage for a "new and disturbing age".
The fact this speech will be addressed to students at Mr Younger's former university St Andrew's and not a room full of the UK's arch enemies is, to put it mildly, a bit of an anti-climax.
Meanwhile, much has been made of the story of the British couple who lost their engagement ring down a subway grate in New York, only for it to be triumphantly returned to them by the NYPD months later.
A story to warm the cockles is how this is being billed. Giddy boyfriend John Drennan proposing to his girlfriend Daniella Anthony in the Big Apple, only for the ring to slip through his trembling fingers and down the grate. Lost forever they assumed, until the police launched a Twitter-wide search to track them down.
There is an undertone dear readers, that This Reporter would be negligent not to point out. John snipes: "I want to clarify that I did not propose over a grate in Times Square - that's where we lost it", making clear he actually popped the question in the more sensible location of Central Park.
Daniella retorts the ring was too big for her finger. "I tried to tell John it was too big, but he insisted I wear it," with more than a note of accusation.
Don't you just love a happy ending?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Ginormous Lego Orangutan and Johnson & Johnson's Minty Youth Shots

WELCOME to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up live from Brexit Island, where ginormous Lego orangutans rampage and we clamour for Johnson & Johnson's youth-giving minty shots. Not suitable for those of nervous disposition - there may be scenes of a sexual nature and episodes of political absurdity readers will find disturbing.

Soundbite from Prime Minister Theresa May live last night (Wednesday): "Thank Christ for that", as Cabinet agreed to the draft Brexit withdrawal agreement after a tempestuous five hour long meeting.
Yes, it has been quite the week on Brexit Island, as Britain is now officially called, with promises as tantalising as a Victorian peep show that Mrs May and the EU27 were going to draft up an agreement in time. As frequently we heard "there's no chance gov'nor" as the more upbeat, "stay tuned".
As is custom, Mrs May's relief was to be short-lived however, as she lost Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab to r…

Boycottian Revelations and Mogg the Calamitous Piano Flogger

REVELATORY is the word, as it emerged this week that Prime Minister Theresa May is no automaton, but actually Geoffrey Boycott. Whether the "legendary" cricketer has kidnapped the real-life Mrs May, locked her in a basement and donned highly-plausible prosthetics - or Mrs May is simply channelling his spirit, circa Yorkshire cricket captain 1977 - it is too early to say.
Regardless, for This Reporter, this explains everything. Hauled in front of her millionth press briefing in recent times, Mrs May was forced to justify why she would not be changing her Brexit plan, or stepping down as Prime Minister. And she likened her stubbornness to "see this through" to her idol Boycott, of whom she said: "The whole point was he stuck to it. He had a plan and he got on with it, and more often than not he delivered".
The fact Mr Boycott, famed for his dull play, has said the biggest mistake he ever made was to take on the Yorkshire captaincy - "I was not a good m…

Peanut Butter, Brexit D-Day and Question Time

THERESA May comfort eating peanut butter straight out the jar is unequivocally the most scintillating piece of information to come out of these Brexit shambles. It's the wheat field all over again but without quite such a pleasing visual.
Before we get to the meat of the matter - something about a make-or-break Commons vote on the Brexit deal tomorrow (Tuesday) - may This Reporter point the Prime Minister in the direction of an article by Guardian writer Stuart Heritage, who went on a self-less mission to see just how drunk it was possible to get on Christmas food. Several mince pies, Christmas puds and trifles later, Mr Heritage found himself pushing the alcoholic boundaries of the breathalyser.
Which leads This Reporter to the suggestion, maybe Mrs May would like to substitute her peanut butter for brandy butter as a festive alternative. A subtle way to alter the mind state for the week ahead.
On to the feeling on the ground as we head to Brexit D-Day - say it fast and in a jaun…

Cameron's Comeback, "The Grid" and a Passport to Chic

WITH the bad boys of Brexit back in town and no feasible escape from this rapidly sinking island, all hope clings to a leather dress. Welcome to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up.

Prime Minister Theresa May will be interrogated by children, we learnt, after signing up to appear on Sky Kids news programme 'FYI'. Mrs May is famed for shirking the TV interview - besides which, serious television journalists appear to have lost their (news) sense - so it looks like it falls to the youngest and let's face it, far more assiduous minds, to ask Mrs May how much more it will take to sack off Brexit?
And here's the very man we'll say arguably, but in all fairness we mean actually, got us into this mess in the first place. Namely David Cameron, letting slip to his friends he was bored witless putting his trotters up in his second shepherd's hut in Nice, and wanted to return to front line politics. His remorseless eyes set on the post of foreign secretary.…

Unlikely Lovebirds and Boris Books in Some Attention

PITY the Boris Johnson. He has barely had a shout out in the press this week amidst all the Brexit commotion. This Reporter envisions his fingers just itching to get to his typewriter keys to bosh out an extra scathing tome on proceedings, in time for The Telegraph's Sunday edition.
But what's this - joys springs eternal, as we hear that Mr Johnson has been hauled in front of Parliament to apologise for the hapless transgression, of taking "too long" to declare £53,000 in earnings from his books.
A damning report to the Commons Committee on Standards said Mr Johnson took an "over-casual attitude" to parliamentary rules and should apologise. The worst bit about this - the reminder Boris "writes" books.
Mr Johnson, basking in the spotlight, intoned the delay had been "unintentional" but offered the house a "full and unreserved apology" - and many thanks for giving him some much-needed attention.
A donkey and an emu who fell in lo…