Skip to main content

All aboard the pizza ferry, headed for absolutely nowhere new

THIS Reporter wishes to express her fathomless thanks to the Westminster crew, none of whom decided to take upon themselves the tired old trope of making new year's resolutions - on off chance a better version of themselves existed - and instead continue in the exact same farcical way they blundered through 2018.
Because despite the fact ministers had, in theory, laid their dispatch boxes on beds of tinsel for the duration of Christmastide, there is still much for us to catch up with.
First, but by no means foremost, Sajid Javid, Home Secretary - who it has reached This Reporter via the rumour mill likes to call himself "The Saj" - perhaps short for Sergeant but more likely, Sajid - cut short his luxury £1,000-plus a night safari festive break in South Africa to rush back and deal with what he coined a "migrant crisis" but in reality was two brave souls casting out across the Channel in a rubber dinghy.
Nevertheless, Javid called for immediate clampdown on this migrant overload, managing along the way to stumble over a few misplaced words - claiming migrants were "illegal" and may not be "genuine". Thus embroiling himself in a vat of his own self-incrimination, when all he wanted to show us was what a great next Prime Minister he would be.
Meanwhile, actual Prime Minister Theresa May has to face facts that despite postponing Parliament's vote on her Brexit deal before the recess, in hope MPs feelings towards it would miraculously change, nothing has indeed altered ahead of the vote next week. If anything it has got worse. This is despite Mrs May's round-robin of festive phone calls to various EU leaders, as the results came in from a poll that a mammoth 76 per cent of Tory members would choose no deal over her plan.
She could of course take the advise of former Brexit Secretary David Davis, who upped his all-time input into the Brexit project a good 50 per cent by urging Mrs May to put off the meaningful vote yet again to force the EU to cave in. Despite the EU's dogged insistence, they were not for the caving.
As to the no deal scenario - ministers have us well and truly covered with just 81 days until Brexit time. One anonymous political source commentated that in the event of a cliff edge Brexit we would have no bananas or tomatoes but March was an ideal time to leave Europe due to the abundance of British produce coming into season.
In same vein, Transport Secretary Chris Grayling has awarded a contract to charter extra ferries, in event of a no deal, to Seaborne Freight who it transpired do not, yet, have any ferries. "Fret ye not" came back the official line. Grayling was doing his bit to support new British business.
But there was minimum wriggle room left when it transpired Seaborne Freight had copied and pasted its terms and conditions straight from a takeaway pizza business. Though whether this was simply laziness or Seaborne Freight actually intended to deliver pizzas, This Reporter can't quite decide.
It came as misnomer into This Reporter's political in-tray, the news of the Bird Box craze. A challenge burgeoned by the Netflix movie of same name starring Sandra Bullock, which sees her character living her life blindfold. Civilians have in turn taken it upon themselves to carry out everyday tasks such as crossing roads and driving cars (and let's hope never the twain shall meet) with blindfold on, leading Netflix to issue the warning, "do not hospitalise yourselves".
However, This Reporter would like to argue that this blindfolded approach to vital business has been the operatus morandi of politicans for many years with no signs of it abating, despite numerous public safety warnings. But quick, MPs are resuming their seats in Parliament...Let the bin show recommence. Happy (same old, same old) New Year.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Laundrettes, Brexit Beano and the Valentino throw-back mini dress

"You spin me right round, baby right round like a record, baby round round round round." Oh hello there. I'll just turn the radio down. I'm at the laundrette, washing my clothes. Because we're all going to be doing this soon. Using laundrettes that is. They are popping back up everywhere. Perhaps not so much this side of the M25 but nevertheless, this is the future when it comes to washing, according to those in the fashion know. Not perhaps as we once knew it. Carrier bags full of dirty washing self-consciously flung into big bellied washers, Dot Cotton-esque laundry assistants greeting you with a box of cheap soap suds, fag hanging out of mouth. It's all gone just that little bit chicer. Hermes have launched a Hermesmatic laundrette service complete with bright orange, Instagrammable, machines specially to launder and service their Hermes silk scarves. Other brands are following suit, with the denim brand American Eagle opening a concept store and free

Cocktail rings, the sexist book prize and feel good children's literature

"Thundercats are on the move, Thundercats are loose..." Hello and welcome to the past where suit-clad dinosaurs roam the earth, sexism reigns supreme and women are castigated for stating the bleedin' obvious. There is a silver lining, of sorts. We get to wear cocktail rings again. So first to the good news, and as this reporter was saying, cocktail rings are making a comeback, big time. The fashion pack has declared an end to minimalist jewellery and instead the mantra is very much "go big or go home". The rings, which usually feature a colourful gem like an emerald, have been given a mighty great boost in popularity again since the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, wore Princess Diana's Aquamarine cocktail ring to her evening wedding celebrations. Try the Ophelia cocktail ring , available from Aspinal, for size. But whatever your choice, do ensure the gem is sufficiently gargantuan that its light shines as brightly as the ruby in the Thundercats'

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

Pig stalkers, BoJo's Jet and the Zara contrast print dress

Socks off. Do you remember the childhood rhyme which runs: "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home..."? You do. Well this story is the remixed version. A man in America called the police when a 'persistent pig' followed him home from a train station, it is reported. He called the North Ridgeville Police Station in Ohio at 5.26am on Saturday claiming the pig was following him and, understandably, the officers thought he must be inebriated (the man that is, not the pig). However, on arriving at the 'scene' they found a completely sober man who was indeed being followed by a piggy stalker. One of the officers managed to 'coerce' the pig into his police car (no jokes please) and brought the pig back to the station where he was locked in one of the dog kennels. The pig has since been reunited with his owner. Time for some news headlines and today it has been announced Sweden has distributed a 'be prepared for war