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All aboard the pizza ferry, headed for absolutely nowhere new

THIS Reporter wishes to express her fathomless thanks to the Westminster crew, none of whom decided to take upon themselves the tired old trope of making new year's resolutions - on off chance a better version of themselves existed - and instead continue in the exact same farcical way they blundered through 2018.
Because despite the fact ministers had, in theory, laid their dispatch boxes on beds of tinsel for the duration of Christmastide, there is still much for us to catch up with.
First, but by no means foremost, Sajid Javid, Home Secretary - who it has reached This Reporter via the rumour mill likes to call himself "The Saj" - perhaps short for Sergeant but more likely, Sajid - cut short his luxury £1,000-plus a night safari festive break in South Africa to rush back and deal with what he coined a "migrant crisis" but in reality was two brave souls casting out across the Channel in a rubber dinghy.
Nevertheless, Javid called for immediate clampdown on this migrant overload, managing along the way to stumble over a few misplaced words - claiming migrants were "illegal" and may not be "genuine". Thus embroiling himself in a vat of his own self-incrimination, when all he wanted to show us was what a great next Prime Minister he would be.
Meanwhile, actual Prime Minister Theresa May has to face facts that despite postponing Parliament's vote on her Brexit deal before the recess, in hope MPs feelings towards it would miraculously change, nothing has indeed altered ahead of the vote next week. If anything it has got worse. This is despite Mrs May's round-robin of festive phone calls to various EU leaders, as the results came in from a poll that a mammoth 76 per cent of Tory members would choose no deal over her plan.
She could of course take the advise of former Brexit Secretary David Davis, who upped his all-time input into the Brexit project a good 50 per cent by urging Mrs May to put off the meaningful vote yet again to force the EU to cave in. Despite the EU's dogged insistence, they were not for the caving.
As to the no deal scenario - ministers have us well and truly covered with just 81 days until Brexit time. One anonymous political source commentated that in the event of a cliff edge Brexit we would have no bananas or tomatoes but March was an ideal time to leave Europe due to the abundance of British produce coming into season.
In same vein, Transport Secretary Chris Grayling has awarded a contract to charter extra ferries, in event of a no deal, to Seaborne Freight who it transpired do not, yet, have any ferries. "Fret ye not" came back the official line. Grayling was doing his bit to support new British business.
But there was minimum wriggle room left when it transpired Seaborne Freight had copied and pasted its terms and conditions straight from a takeaway pizza business. Though whether this was simply laziness or Seaborne Freight actually intended to deliver pizzas, This Reporter can't quite decide.
It came as misnomer into This Reporter's political in-tray, the news of the Bird Box craze. A challenge burgeoned by the Netflix movie of same name starring Sandra Bullock, which sees her character living her life blindfold. Civilians have in turn taken it upon themselves to carry out everyday tasks such as crossing roads and driving cars (and let's hope never the twain shall meet) with blindfold on, leading Netflix to issue the warning, "do not hospitalise yourselves".
However, This Reporter would like to argue that this blindfolded approach to vital business has been the operatus morandi of politicans for many years with no signs of it abating, despite numerous public safety warnings. But quick, MPs are resuming their seats in Parliament...Let the bin show recommence. Happy (same old, same old) New Year.

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