Skip to main content

All aboard the pizza ferry, headed for absolutely nowhere new

THIS Reporter wishes to express her fathomless thanks to the Westminster crew, none of whom decided to take upon themselves the tired old trope of making new year's resolutions - on off chance a better version of themselves existed - and instead continue in the exact same farcical way they blundered through 2018.
Because despite the fact ministers had, in theory, laid their dispatch boxes on beds of tinsel for the duration of Christmastide, there is still much for us to catch up with.
First, but by no means foremost, Sajid Javid, Home Secretary - who it has reached This Reporter via the rumour mill likes to call himself "The Saj" - perhaps short for Sergeant but more likely, Sajid - cut short his luxury £1,000-plus a night safari festive break in South Africa to rush back and deal with what he coined a "migrant crisis" but in reality was two brave souls casting out across the Channel in a rubber dinghy.
Nevertheless, Javid called for immediate clampdown on this migrant overload, managing along the way to stumble over a few misplaced words - claiming migrants were "illegal" and may not be "genuine". Thus embroiling himself in a vat of his own self-incrimination, when all he wanted to show us was what a great next Prime Minister he would be.
Meanwhile, actual Prime Minister Theresa May has to face facts that despite postponing Parliament's vote on her Brexit deal before the recess, in hope MPs feelings towards it would miraculously change, nothing has indeed altered ahead of the vote next week. If anything it has got worse. This is despite Mrs May's round-robin of festive phone calls to various EU leaders, as the results came in from a poll that a mammoth 76 per cent of Tory members would choose no deal over her plan.
She could of course take the advise of former Brexit Secretary David Davis, who upped his all-time input into the Brexit project a good 50 per cent by urging Mrs May to put off the meaningful vote yet again to force the EU to cave in. Despite the EU's dogged insistence, they were not for the caving.
As to the no deal scenario - ministers have us well and truly covered with just 81 days until Brexit time. One anonymous political source commentated that in the event of a cliff edge Brexit we would have no bananas or tomatoes but March was an ideal time to leave Europe due to the abundance of British produce coming into season.
In same vein, Transport Secretary Chris Grayling has awarded a contract to charter extra ferries, in event of a no deal, to Seaborne Freight who it transpired do not, yet, have any ferries. "Fret ye not" came back the official line. Grayling was doing his bit to support new British business.
But there was minimum wriggle room left when it transpired Seaborne Freight had copied and pasted its terms and conditions straight from a takeaway pizza business. Though whether this was simply laziness or Seaborne Freight actually intended to deliver pizzas, This Reporter can't quite decide.
It came as misnomer into This Reporter's political in-tray, the news of the Bird Box craze. A challenge burgeoned by the Netflix movie of same name starring Sandra Bullock, which sees her character living her life blindfold. Civilians have in turn taken it upon themselves to carry out everyday tasks such as crossing roads and driving cars (and let's hope never the twain shall meet) with blindfold on, leading Netflix to issue the warning, "do not hospitalise yourselves".
However, This Reporter would like to argue that this blindfolded approach to vital business has been the operatus morandi of politicans for many years with no signs of it abating, despite numerous public safety warnings. But quick, MPs are resuming their seats in Parliament...Let the bin show recommence. Happy (same old, same old) New Year.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

Life on Mars, "gangster" Peppa Pig and the Loewe dinosaur trainers

So it turns out Button Moon was a lie. This reporter is of course referring to the 1980's children's TV show, which followed Mr Spoon and his family of fellow kitchen utensils, as they day-tripped off to Button Moon in a junk model space rocket. There the family would enjoy all manner of adventures before returning back to earth in time for tea. Mr Spoon made space travel look a sinch. It transpires space travel is not a sinch. NASA, alongside the European Space Agency, is planning to bring Martian rocks back to earth to see whether the planet is inhabited by aliens. However, this daring mission is not a simple matter of astronauts rocketing up to Mars, picking up a few rocks in their space buckets, and returning back to earth that same afternoon. As it turns out, the whole venture is going to be something of a palaver on the basis we are not, as yet, able to land a rocket on another planet and then take back off again. This means bringing the rocks home will take at le

A&E targets to be scrapped and the Brexit Celebration party

FROM government plans to scrap A&E targets, to Nigel Farage's for a Brexit Celebration party, This Reporter brings you the news headlines on Thursday 16th January 2020. Plans to scrap the four-hour A&E waiting target have sparked a furious backlash from medical staff, as well as anyone with half a brain. Government ministers led by Health Secretary Matt Hancock have revealed proposals, which would see patients treated in a, widely up-for-interpretation, "clinically appropriate" manner, rather than sticking to the current targets that aim to see 95 per cent of people arriving at A&E in England, treated within four hours. The plans follow the revelation in recent days that hospitals across the country fell woefully under the specified target over the festive period, to 63 per cent. So the question we have to ask ourselves when we get down to the brass tacks of the matter is, do we really believe the new proposals are in the "best interests of the patient